A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.
She wanted a
pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very
reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the
shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own
alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"
The
shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and
catch yourself a big one!"
Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching
herself an alligator.
Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home,
when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun
in hand.
Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly towards her.
She takes aim and shoots, killing the alligator and with a great deal of
effort, hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more
of the dead creatures.
The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the
alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out,
"Damn it, this one
isn't wearing shoes either!!
thanks for submission...topper...(blond joke from you?heheh)
A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New
York to California.
Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the
next gasoline station and fill up.
About 15 minutes later, he spots a
Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.
"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high
test," replies the driver.
While the attendant is filling up the tank,
he's looking the car up and down.
"What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I
never seen one like it before."
"Well," responds the driver, his chest
swelling up with pride,
"this, my boy is a 1998 Cadillac DeVille."
"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant.
"Well," says the driver,
"it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power
sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk
with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering,
disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and
best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."
"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!"
How much do I owe
you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the
attendant.
The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and
a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change.
Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little
wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when
I drive," says the driver.
"Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"
lol from topper
This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest,
"I had
an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "What do you mean
'almost'?"
The man says "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I
stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as
putting it in. You're not to go near that woman again. Now say five
Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves confessional, goes over and says his prayers, then walks over
to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts to leave.
The priest,
who was watching him, quickly runs over to him and says "I saw that, you
didn't put any money in the poor box!"
Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her
obstetrician's office.
When the exam was over, she shyly began,
"My husband wants me to ask you..."
"I know, I know." the doctor said,
placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time.
Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."
This fellow who had spent his whole life in the desert comes to visit a
friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on.
While standing in the middle of the RR tracks one day, he hears this
whistle
-- Whooee da Whoee! --
but doesn't know what it is.
Predictably, he's hit
-- but, only a glancing blow -- and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle,
to the side of the tracks, with some minor internal injuries, a few broken
bones, and some bruises.
After weeks in the hospital recovering, he's at his friend's house attending
a party, one evening.
While in the kitchen, he suddenly hears the tea kettle
whistling.
He grabs a baseball bat from the nearby closet and proceeds to
batter and bash the tea kettle into an unrecognizable lump of metal.
His friend, hearing the ruckus, rushes into the kitchen, sees what's happened
and asks the desert man:
"Why'd you ruin my good tea kettle?"
The desert man replies:
"Man, you gotta kill these things when they're
small."
While leading a party of girl scouts through the woods in silent Indian
fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple
was engaged in "69".
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader, "There's a very
dangerous beast out there!"
But it was too late, several of her charges had
more-or-less seen all. They asked their leader what was happening.
"Well, if you... er... must know, they were practicing a brand new form of
artificial respiration."
"WOW !" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I
know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."
All of our technicians are
currently busy helping people who are even less competent than you,
so please hold for the next available technician.
The waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.
In order to expedite your call,
please punch your 58-digit product
identification number on to your telephone,
followed by your product serial
number,
which can be found in a secret compartment inside your computer
where,
for security purposes,
it is printed in the smallest typeface possible
to prevent being seen.
Please note that you made need a size 11 3/4 torx
screwdriver which may only be available from your original equipment
manufaturer.
Do that NOW!
Thank you again for calling Technical Support.
We recommend that you sit
at your computer,
preferably turning it on at some point,
and have at hand
all your floppy disks,
CD-ROM disks,
computer manuals and original packing
materials in order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely event
that he ever gets to your call.
If you were an inconsiderate jerk
-- we mean forgetful customer --
and threw
away your original packing materials, please call the company that sent you
the computer and ask them to resend you the empty box with the plastic
bubbles, fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they recycle.
We will hold your place in line on the phone while you wait for your boxes
to be delivered.
(yeah right !)
...It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining
your problem to the technician.
Shouting obscene threats will cause you to
be immediately disconnected and blackballed from further communication with
Technical Support,
not only from ours but that of every other
electronics-related firm in the industrialized world.
(we all talk you know)...
Thank you once again for calling Technical Support.
In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to know more
about you and your equipment.
Have you called Technical Support before?
If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.
If not, press the numeral "two."
If you are not sure,
using the letters on
your touch pad,
spell out the phrase:
"I am confused and despondent and
quickly losing the will to live."
Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements to sell your
computer because by the time the technician takes your call,
it will be
obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway....
Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Unfortunately, all of our
technicians just went out for lunch.
This means that to the estimated waiting
time we gave you earlier,
you may now add at least another two hours.
Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Before talking to the technician
about your problem and risking the possibility that you may be wasting his
valuable time,
please ask yourself the following questions:
1. If my monitor screen is dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?
2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before utilizing
the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option?
3. Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support?
4. Have I consulted my manual?
5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on the floppy disk?
6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in under five minutes?
6. Have I given the central processing unit of my computer a good,
solid whack?
If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,
please get off the line immediately so that our overworked technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose suffering is so much
greater than yours.
You must be really be so bored that you have to call technical support just to have someone to speak to about geek stuff....
Thank you for calling Technical Support.
You may not be aware that this week we are featuring
a discount on a number of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase,
such as the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access erotic
material from the Internet twice as fast.
If you would like to hear all
26,000 titles read to you,shout
"Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now.
This will not cause you to lose your place in line for Technical Support;
in fact it may jump you ahead of several other callers....
Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Our System has been overloaded,
and unfortunately you have lost your place
in line.
Please push "one" if you would like to be connected again to
Technical Support
1. Thank you for calling Technical Support.
Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and
die from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydration
from lack of food and water.
Before doing so,
please take a moment to place
your telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer
so as not to wear down its internal battery.
As a non-living person,
you
will have no further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must
remove you from our list of registered product users.
Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve your
needs. Do not hesitate to have your heirs or beneficiaries contact
us should any further technical problems arise.
It's a beautiful, warm summer morning and a man and his wife are spending
the day at the zoo.
She's wearing a cute,loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.
The zoo is not very busy this morning. As they walk through the ape exhibit,
the ape sees the beautiful lady and the gorilla goes crazy.
He jumps up on
the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his
chest with his free hand.
He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the
wavy dress.
The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny.
He suggests that
his wife tease the poor fellow some more.
The husband suggests she pucker her
lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
Giggling, she does so, and
Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would surely wake the
dead.
Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall just a
little to show a bit more skin. She does, and Mr. Gorilla goes absolutely
ballistic and nearly tears the bars down.
"Now try lifting your dress up
your thighs and sort of fan it at him" the husband says, grunting
hysterically.
The gorilla has been driven to the point of sheer madness and now he's
doing flips. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door
to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question.
"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down
my hard-on."
"When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on."
"When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on."
"Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my
hard-on!"
"So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to
get?"
"I haven't sold one tractor all month", a tractor salesman tells
his friend.
"That's nothing compared to my problem", his buddy replies.
"I was milking my cow when it's tail whips around and hits me in the
forehead, so I grabbed some string and tied it's tail up to the rafters.
Then I go back to milk it and it kicks me in the head with it's right
hind leg, so I grab some rope and tie it's one leg up to the rafters.
I go back to try and milk it again when it kicks me in the head with
it's left hind leg, so I tie it's other leg up to the rafters.
Then my wife comes walking in and I'll tell ya,
if you can convince her that I was trying to milk that cow,
I'll buy a tractor off ya".
"No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with."
- Kirsten, age 10
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like
if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports,
and she should keep the chips and dip coming."
- Allan, age 10
2. What is the proper age to Get Married?
"Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person
FOREVER by then!"
- Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at....You got to be a fool to
get married!"
- Freddie, age 6
3. What Do You Think Your Mom and Dad Have in Common?
"Both don't want any more kids."
- Lori, age 8
4. What Do Most People Do on a Date?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them
to get to know each other. Even boys have something to
say if you listen long enough."
- Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and
that usually gets them interested enough to go or a second
date."
- Martin, age 10
5. What would you do on your first date if it was going poorly?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns."
-Craig, age 9
6. When is It OK to Kiss Someone?
"When they're rich!"
- Pam, age 7
"The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that."
- Curt, age 7
"The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should
marry them and have kids with them.... It's the right thing to
do."
A Ventriloquist cowboy walks into a town and sees an Indian sitting on
his porch. He figures he'll have a little fun...
Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?"Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian: (Total disbelief, didn't know man's best friend could talk.)
Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?"Dog: "Yep"Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and
takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian: (Still shocked, starting to feel bad over rubbing dog's nose
into floor potty incident last week.)
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"Horse: "Cool."
Indian: (Shocked look, he trusted steed talks!)Cowboy: "Is this your owner?"
Horse: "Yep"Cowboy: "How's he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me fromthe elements."
Indian: (Totally amazed.)
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet
became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person.
Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and
became quite thin and frail.
Furthermore, due to his diet, he wound up with very bad breath.
Therefore: he came to be known as a...
"Super calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis."
Blond from Louisiana