Moshing can be described as the transformation of otherwise normal young Australians into a seething froth of long-haired devotees, who, enlightened and energised by music, vigorously pulsate in a manner that resembles a pagan ritual. The process begins when an initial few begin the frantic bobbing movement that heralds the commencement of the mosh, hereafter referred to as 'moshing'. From that point onwards a new set of rules apply, ignore them at your peril.
Hair maintained long and straggly. Washing optional, though not recommended.
Colorist dressing a no-no. Super grunge is the only outstanding element in this spectrum.
Practise at home with mirrors. A clever ploy is to ensure superior and maximum upward height technique.
Fast food rituals a must to maintain energy to mosh - In other words, 'Eat shit and mosh on'.
If you're under 4 foot, stay at home.
Music knowledge unnecessary - mimicking acceptable.
Closeness to front of stage proportional to cool status, but also terminal side effects. Head gear not an option. Beware, nose and nipple rings may get caught.
Stamina viciously important - quitters are losers.
Other life-threatening motions (stage diving a la Daniel Johns and non-mosh dance manoevres) generally not recommended unless you're the Queen and in a Pepsi commercial.
Act like it's the last night of your life despite nausea, beer-drenched KORN t-shirt, lack of oxygen, broken left toe and loss of your moshing companions.
Bouncers can be tricky - they have a tendency to drag people out by their eyelids. Avoid them at all costs, even if it includes standing close to a naked Pavarotti lookalike.
The resulting slimy, hot, drunken humanoids should slowly slink back to their holes, retreat and recover, with the mosh anthem still ringing in the ears - KILL THE MOSH AND THE MUSIC DIES......
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