now I aint one to GOSSIP.........
HEAVENLY ALE
The Miller Brewing company has bowed to pressure from a New
Jersey minister and pulled a TV commercial depicting angels
drinking beer. Miller issued a corporate statement Tuesday that
said the ad was being pulled because the company is
"sensitive to the concerns of our communities." The Reverend
Edward B. Smart had complained that the ad was blasphemous for
implying that angels were alcoholics and that there was beer
in heaven.
Die Hard
40-year-old Michael McGilbra of Las Vegas decided he
would silently leave our happy world of the living and kill
himself in his apartment building. So he turned on the gas in his
oven and tried to die by inhalin- the fumes. But instead of
killing him, the gas only made him go to sleep. When he woke
up, the wl-lole apartment was filled with gas, and he still
wanted to die. So, he got out a cigarette and lit it so that it
would blow him up. Well, the spark created a huge explosion,
ripping the roof off the building and destroying several
apartments... but McGilbra SURVIVED!!! In fact, nobody died,
or was even seriously injured. McGilbra now faces felony
charges for the explosion which caused $500,000 in damage.
And he probably REALLY wants to die when he thinks about
his future... as a prison-bitch.
Just Sad
38-year-old Kathleen Tyson of Eugene, Oregon tested
positive for HIV last year, but when she brought baby Felix
into this world 8 weeks ago, tests showed that the newborn
didn't have the AIDS virus. Doctors recommended giving the
boy AZT treatments, just in case he's carrying the virus... but
the parents REFUSED. They actually believe that HIV does
NOT cause AIDS... and that AZT is not only ineffective but
TOXIC!!! In addition... they're insisting that Kathleen be
allowed to breast-feed the child. . . even though she will very
likely pass the disease to him that way. Insane husband David
Tyson says, "Breast-feeding is simply better. It enhances the
immune system, even if the mom is HIV positive." The state of
Oregon realizes that crack don't smoke itself.. so they took
custody of the baby and ordered that the boy receive 6 weeks of
AZT treatment and not be breast-fed. Baby Felix still lives at
home but the state is making sure the family is following
orders. Hearings are currently scheduled for the case... which
could go on for a while.
Turn the Other Cheek
Your tax dollars at work this morning... David Alan Scott is a
churchgoing husband and father of two kids... and also an
accountant in charge of running Indiana's child support system.
But it seems that Scott was diverting funds intended for poor,
abandoned children... and spending the cash on SIDE
ACTION!!! The married man was powerless over the porn... he
embezzled some $680,000 for TWO seductive whores. He
bought breast implants for a stripper he met through an escort
service, and bought another lover a fur coat and a car. The
horn-ball accountant got busted when he told the stripper he
wouldn't give her any more cash... then she turned him in. Scott
now faces 9 criminal charges.
BITE ME
A 38-year-old man in Jenkins Township, PA recently visited
a friend to see his new pet snake. He reached into the tank of a
cobra, picked it up, and was bitten. His friend insisted on taking
him to the hospital but he refused?saying, "I'm a man, I can
handle it." Instead of seeking medical help, he cruised to a bar,
had a few drinks, and bragged that he had just been bitten by a
snake. An hour later HE DIED.
Ester vs. Rodman
boogidy boogidy, there he goes....
A man in San Francisco used to be a Vietnamese gang
member. He's still Vietnamese, but he gave up gangbanging
after he got paralyzed in a shooting. Now the guy has moved on
to robbing people at gunpoint... IN HIS WHEELCHAIR!!!
Apparently, he stops people walking, down the street in
Chinatown, busts out his semi-automatic handgun and
demands their money. After the victims give him their cash, the
Vietnamese mugger speeds away... in his rice-rocket
motorized wheelchair! Can't anybody unleash a can
o'whoop-ass on this paralyzed robber??? He can't run!!!!
Dial-a-Cop
People who live in L.A. are big fans of the televised
high-speed police chases. They go on for hours, they always
end the same way and they're on all the time, but the idiot
flakes in L.A. just can't get enough. So one LA police officer
has decided to profit on the police-chase cravings... Sergeant
Ken Kuwahara has started PursuitWatch, a pager service that
beeps its customers every time a highspeed chase comes on
TV!!! The service only costs 99 cents a year... and he's already
got 200 subscribers.
Nazi Blunt
46-year-old Brynn Garrett Downey of Laguna Beach,
California will spend the next 2-and-a-half years in federal
prison for selling pot... but it sounds like he might have been
smoking the giggle weed himself. Downey moved over 9 TONS
of bud over the years... and instead of buying a whole bunch of
g-rides with his drug money, he spent $2 MILLION on Nazi
memorabilia!!! The crazy spleef seller bought Field Marshal
Hermann Goerines Luftwaffe coat and personal wedding sword
among other valuable (???) Nazi items. While the Nazi a-hole
is in the poke, it's up to Janet Reno to figure out what to do
with Downey's collection.
Out of touch
The Illinois state government is considering a proposal that
would make gang members ineligible for ANY state aid...
including welfare and education grants. State Rep. Louis Lang
thinks the plan would make homeboys think twice about joining
a gang, but social service and law enforcement workers think
Lang is out of touch.
Buried Alive
Geoff Smith, the insane-o British man who decided to break
the record for consecutive days BURIED ALIVE has finally
emerged from his coffin... after 147 days!!! When he returned to
our world, Geoff was given a bill... totaling over $1 1,000!!! He
doesn't actually have to pay it, but the bill showed the costs of
keeping him alive... 2,942 cups of tea, 822 packets of crackers
and 56 "loo rolls". By the way, the Human Mole will NOT go
down in the Guinness Book of Records for his "achievement". . .
Guinness says it's too dangerous a stunt and they don't want
to encourage others to do it. Smith, who beat the record by 6
days, says, "It is a big disappointment to all the people who
have supported me. There are far more dangerous things in the
book, like a record for the number of razor blades swallowed."
a really stupid story that charles wrote
Doctor Irais Leon of Johnson City, New York was enjoying a
short getaway to Elk Mountain Ski Resort in Pennsylvania
where he was shredding the slopes. While Dr. Leon was on the
hill, a Special Olympics skier was riding the lift up the
mountain, yelling to friends below, calling them "Bubba."
Apparently, the doctor heard this... and thought the retarded kid
was calling him names!!! So when he got to the bottom of the
hill, he waited for the Special Olympian to catch up. And when
the kid got there, the good doctor took off his skis and opened
up a can o'whoop-ass on the boy!!! The a-hole gave the
Special Olympian a black-eye after beating the boy about the
face and neck!!! Dr. Leon now faces assault charges,harassment,
stalking, and disorderly conduct.
...............So You Aint Heard that from ME
