naked

1 This guy comes into the bar and orders a drink. He pulls out a 100 dollar bill and says to the bartender "Keep the change". Suddenly this little guy jumps out of his shirt pocket and runs down the counter and spills everyones drinks and hops back in his pocket. The guy pulls out a couple more 100 dollar bills to pay for the damage. The bartender is in awe. The guy orders another drink and pays for it and suddenly this little guy jumps out of his pocket and does the same thing again. The bartender says enough is enough and he asks the man what in the hell is going on. The man replies "I was walking on the beach the other day and I came upon a lamp in the sand I rubbed it and a genie came out and said hed grant me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I would never run out of money and that came true. My second wish was that I could have sex with any women whenever I want and I came back to my apartment and there was a buch of supermodels waiting for me". "What about the third wish". said the bartender. The man replied "I wished for a six inch prick and this is the little fucker I got". ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 2 Three guys, a Canadian, an Iraqi and an Israeli are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes total," says the Genie. The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada." With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'FOOM' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming. The Iraqi was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Iraq, so that no infidels and Jews can come into our precious state." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Iraq. Izzy Goldberg, the Israeli asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out." Izzy says, "Fill it up with water." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 3 Bob was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge at about 90mph. Wouldn't you know, a cop jumped out and clocked him with radar. Bob pulled over like a good citizen; recalling Rodney King and recent illegal alien incidents. The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, BOY?" Bob thought for a second and asked, "Uhh, over 55?" "93mph son! 93mph in a 55 zone!" "But if you already knew, officer" replied Bob, "Why did you ask me?" Ignoring Bob, the officer continued, in his normal charming fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!" The cop took a good look at Bob and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!" Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well paying job!" The cop leaned in the window, and with the smell of day old donuts on his breath, said, "What kind of a job would a bum like you have?" "I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob. "What you say, BOY?" asked the patrolman. "I'm a rectum stretcher!" Of course the cop asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?" Bob explained, " People call me up and say they want to be stretched, so I go over there and start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, and then one whole hand, then two. Then I pull them farther and farther apart until it's six feet across." The cop, absorbed with the images in his mind, let down his guard and asked, "What the hell do you do with a six foot asshole?" Bob nonchalantly commented, "You give it a radar detector and stick it at the end of a bridge!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 4 A man is on a ship that capsizes in a storm, and after drifting for many days, he finally awakes to find himself on an island. To his delight, he finds that there is a group of fifteen other men, also shipwrecked, who have been on the island for some time. They give him food and water and invite him to stay with them until they're all rescued. The man is happy that he is able to survive on the island, thanks to his new friends, but he starts to miss having sex, as everyone on the island is male. After a couple weeks, the need becomes overwhelming, and he finally approaches one of his fellow castaways. "Not to be crude," he says, "but what do you guys do for sex around here?" "Well," the second man responds, "none of us are gay, so... we had to be creative." Then the second man leads the first to a barrel with a hole in it. "OK, go for it." He says. So the man puts his dick in the hole, and finds that its warm, smooth and wet inside. He fucks the barrel until he comes, and then puts his pants back on. "Wow, that was great!" He says. "I'm going to come here every day!" "Every day but Thursday." The second man says. "Why not Thursday?" "Because Thursday is your day in the barrel." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 5 Theres this woman and her and her husband's sex life wasn't doing that great. So she went to the doctor and the doctor gave her a bottle of pills and ordered her to put one pill into her husbands coffee every morning. So the first morning she does as the doctor said and that night the sex was great, so the next day she decides to put two pills in and instantly the husband is horny. Finally, on the thrid day she puts the whole bottle in and it's CRAZY, all day they just had sex. A couple of days later the doctor called to see how everything was going and a little boy answered the phone. The doctor asked, "How's your daddy been?" The boy answered, "Well, let's put it this way, my mom's dead, my sister's preganent, my ass hurts, and my dad's on the front porch saying Here Kitty Kitty Kitty"!!! ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ 6 An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel in Florida, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. Her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW. P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE