Poetry Page

7/30/03 - "The Light or The Paint"

Barely a light shines through a blackened sky
Squint hard to see it
Is it really there?
A light through the clouds
A light through the mist
Does it shine for you?
Does it shine at all?
A marker of paint on the wall above
Can you see it's form?
Do you know it's meaning?
Was it just a stroke that made that sign?
Was it just a burst that made that light?
Are you blind to what is there?
Or are you afraid to believe what could have been?
Do you see the streak?
The streak of light that was meant for your eyes
Or do you turn away?
Turn to the stroke of paint that you think you know is there
Stroke your hand over the stone that's been painted
Feel the scrapes of the concrete on your hand
Which one is real?
Which one do you want to be real?
Look to the sky and there you will see
A burst of light within the haze
Look down in disbelief
No one is there for you to see
No one is left to make you believe
Only you can choose between

7/20/03

I support you
I follow you
I am there for your every need
I show you the result of my efforts
Efforts I worked so hard for
You've had a bad night
You throw those feelings
You throw them at me
I am always there to help
I always care
I sacrifice so much
I sacrifice my happiness
My time
My solace
Why would you raise your voice to me?
Why would you make my eyes well with tears?
You saw the tears
You knew I hurt
You did nothing
You didn't acknowledge
I support you
I help you
I encourage your dreams
I make your dreams a reality
Why did you hurt me?
Why don't you see what you've done?
You need to realize
Realize what you've done
It's not all about you
Nor is it all about me
But, see how others feel
See what others do
Do to help you
Don't spit in the face
The face of someone who cares
The face of someone that gives
If you do not ask
I'm afraid I will not forgive

6/15/03

Why do I regret?
At the time it seemed right
I shunned you
Maybe I used you
Was I wrong?
I know I loved you
But, the time was not right
Now I regret the time
I regret the meaning
Now I feel I've lost you
Is this true?
Will I ever have you again?
Will you ever see me in the same light?
Do you see me the same way?
Do you still want to save me?
You saved me once
I wish I could do the same
I have not forgotten
The love you showed to me
How you put yourself out
How you showed your honesty
How you cared for me
Will you ever remember?
The time we had
Will you remember?
What I once was to you
I will give everything
To make you remember
I look in the mirror
I see what once could have been
What once was
Maybe I made a mistake
Maybe I should have been better
Maybe I should have shown you more
I thank you for your care
Please take over me
Please find your way back
I miss your words
I miss your defense
I hurt you then
And for that I regret
I didn't know then
What I know now
Please forgive me
You are part of my world
You always will be
Please don't forget
The time we had
I never will
Hello, I am in your mind
Just let me in

"Boo" 3/7/03

My warmth
My comfort
My companion
You were all these things
I just wish I didn't have to let you go
It was the best for you
I hope you understand
You loved me more than anything could
I loved you that much and more
I hope you knew that
I know you knew that
In my darkest hours
You were always there
I hope I did right by you
By letting you go
I wish you could come back
Just one last day
One last night
So I can hold you
Just one last time

"My Angel" 3/07/03

A wound that won't heal
A space that won't fill
A place I've never been
A hurt I've never felt
This lump in my chest
This pain in my throat
It can never be expressed
This pain I can feel
I hurt all over
I can't get it out
I want to scream
But, the words won't come out
I know you're inside me
But, I just want to see
Your beautiful spirit
That's now inside of me
I have no home
I have no way
There is no where without you
That I can be me
I hope you are running
And happy and free
Chasing the insects
And climbing the trees
Chasing the birds
And living more than I ever saw you be
But, without you there's an ache
An ache in my chest
No way out
I hope you understand
The desicion I made
To let you be free
From the hurt and the pain
To let you cross
That bridge all alone
Without my help
For the first time on your own
I know somewhere in my heart
That you're in the best place
With green grass and lakes
I hope that you know that I did all I could
To make you feel loved
Sheltered and safe
Please don't forget me
Or ever leave my heart
I'll think of you always
In your new home
With your insects and your birds
And all the great lakes
Please know I loved you, more than my heart could ever replace

6/19/03 "Finally"

An offering
A proposal
A spoken word of good will
I felt this
I had this
I made this happen
Will I recreate the moment?
Will I have this feeling again?
Will they show their truth?
Will they express it to me?
Was it real?
Why do I have to ask?
Is there a way?
Is there a light?
To open my eyes and believe what they say?
I hope that it's real
I hope I can trust
You have given me hope
You have sent me happiness
I will believe you
Because I need too
This is my chance
This is my fate
It's finally here
I just have to grasp
Hold onto the feeling
Never forget
The moment that changed me
The moment that lit my eyes
A chance that was given
A place I'd never imagined
I will find it again
I just need the will
Please give me this chance
I've waited so long
I will not let this pass
I will pursue at all cost
I just needed the push
I received it from you
I am forever grateful
I will not let you down
Watch me soar
I am finally on my way
On my way to my dream
Let it never fade away

6/15/03

Let me tell you what I've done for you
I can think of nothing
I am sorry, my friend
The place I was in, didn't allow me
Didn't allow me to feel
You were feeling all the while
And I did not comply
I feel now
I hope you can see that
I hope you can feel that
Tell me what I can do to make you feel it
I am in a better place now
I am not going under
I was underground
Under a bridge
Under a stone
Under the water
I couldn't give you what you needed
I made you cry
I made you hurt
I made you worry
Please look in my eyes
Find that they can see now
I was blind
I had no soul
I have woken up inside
I just wish you could see
I am without you
I did that to myself
Let me bring you back
Let me make you see
I have been saved
I want to make it right
I want to give you my feelings
I want you to know I see
I want you to know I care
I want you back in my life
I want to make what I did right
I was sleeping in those years
I will make it right to you
Just give me the chance
I promise to make it right

6/15/03

Why try to fix something that is not broken
Because you are never sure if it is really intact
Would you call it self doubt?
Every time I feel you
I feel that something is broken
But, is that all in my head?
My sight is blurred
I am holding my breath
I can't see what is there
I can't see what is real
I want our minds to be mended
Calm and warming
Our minds are at odds
You are not sure
I can't seem to change your thoughts
Please believe in me again
Please see that I have put it together
I am safe inside here
It has all ended
You were just not here to see it
Give me the chance
Send me a sign
Let me change your mind
You are so scared
You are so distant
Please let me back in
Trust me again
Trust what is new
I'll not make things hard on you
I can stop the pain
You can stop my pain
Remember the chain
Remember the joint
It will always be there
Please be with me
There is so much more to come
Stop hiding behind the scars

5/14/03

Objective views can sometimes hurt you
Strive for what you want too
But, it doesn't come out
The confidence is not there
That's the most important part
Get back up and try again
You've sat down so many times
You just watched from the background
They were fearless to you
But, now you are the one to be fearless too
You are you're only obstacle
The only thing in your way
It doesn't have to stop your day
But there's always doubt
That obstacle that drowns you
Get out of the water and show what really makes you
It really can't be that hard
So many have come before you
Showed them what they had
No matter how they'd judge you
Stop being afraid
Afraid of what they'll think
They'll form their opinion
Before you even speak

2/26/03

I am betraying you
I am wrong
But the deck has dealt me an unusual hand
You need to walk a mile
Before you can judge
You need to see the ditch and think of the drop
Before you can know the thoughts of the jumper

5/14/03

I wish I could say I've slept a thousand years
Wake in a new time
Maybe one that can believe
There's something waiting for me
Waiting on the other side
I cry to be with her
But, can't until it's my time
If I went to sleep right now
Didn't wake til all was right
That would be the easy way out
But, still I dream of the day
I'll be with them
The content noises
The quiet time
The love around me
The acceptance of me
They love me up there
They wait for me
They know who I am
For now, I will see you in my dreams
Don't leave me behind
For I will be there someday
Needless and free

5/19/04 - "Superfical"

Words of encouragement
Words of strength
Are they lies?
Or just feelings of the moment?
Written in stone they are now
But, forever changing
I have sometimes an optomistic view
But, then the wall crashes
Are you afraid to be fulfilled?
Or are you afraid of what they will think if you're not?
It's called superficial.
Most of those things that make you think you are special
You don't believe it yourself
So why write it down
For others to see
To make you feel complete
They can all see right through you
At least I can
Until you mean it
You'll always be transparent

3/3/03

Do you stare at the sun just for fun?
Or do you sit in the dark fighting the light?
Do you burn your eyes with the amber glow?
Or do you blacken your sight with the windows closed?
Sit in the room and never come out
They all hate you
That is what you believe
Or could that all be in your confused head?
I am not one to disagree
I think they hate you
Hate you in your own mind
But go through the motions and make it true
You know everyone is not like you
Go ahead and make them hate you
It's what you really want inside
Or is that a lie you tell yourself?
You want adoration, but this is the easy way out
No more reason to sit in the dark?
No, we could not have that
Would that make you content?
Or do you live for your dwelling in hell?
I don't think you'll ever be able to tell

5/19/03

There's a monster calling my name
A monster that is sure to catch up to me
I'm the only one with the power to make him go away
But, I don't because I'm too afraid
I'd rather him kill me, then to fight him
Maybe someone else will stand up
Maybe they will help fight him for me
Not likely, it's my battle
There's only numbered time to kill the monster
It could kill me soon enough
There's no one else
He's mine to face
He's bigger than me
He's fiecer than me
He's more powerful than me
Why can't I run from him?
Is he faster than me?
Yes, He is indeed
Maybe I'll die and maybe I'll live
It's out there to see
For once I want to live
So some how I must kill the monster
The monster that lives and breeds inside of me

11/10/02 "A Letter"

God, I love you
I always have
It just took me too long to see it
So long that it was too late
You did everything for me
You made everything all better
I could always count on you
and in a way, I took that for granted
I didn't realize until too late
Now, it's just a beautiful memory
I know that somewhere in your heart, you share that time
You remember all the time, the vast time
The time that we spent just connecting
It's my fault that it ended
A friendship people would die to find
I ruined that
I left, when you begged me to stay
You weren't being selfish
You just wanted the best for me
I wish I would have been able to see it then
Things would be so different
You could have saved me from so much pain
But, I guess these things happen for a reason
I am better for the things I went through without you
But, after all that's happened, I still love you
Not a love where I'm wanting you, just a love that I care for you
It may sound stupid to you, but you'll never know that knowlege you instilled in me
I did listen to you, I listened to every word
I was just young and didn't know what was really good for me
I left you and I took a chance
But, I'm back where I started
Just wanting your friendship, your guidance
Did I distroy that forever?
Is it in the past?
Or can we be there for each other like we were before?
So many circumstances have changed
So many obstacles to overcome
But, how hard can it be to be friends?
I know you don't see it, but you meant a lot to me
I just realized it so so late
Thank you for everthing you did for me in our past
I still hear the things you said to me, to guide me, the things that saved me
I just wish it could be the same
Maybe someday...
I miss you, I've missed you for so long
Come what may, but I'll never have a friendship like that
So honest
I can only wish that it comes back.... someday
Thank you

9/21/02

I'm cold...
They can't see
They can't see what they have
This hurts, that hurts
Do you know what hurt is?
That isn't good enough
I deserve better
I'm spoiled, I've never had to go this low
I'll give it up entirely if it's not to my standards
Or is that just what I know
Did you ever think there is someone dying right next to you?
Someone that has taken worse than that and made it okay
Maybe they didn't know any better
You can't imagine that because you did know better You don't know any worse
I'm embarrased
Embarrased because I feel
Embarrased because I care
Emabarrased because I care what people think of me
You have to be "cool", be no bother
Or maybe I just think that
Maybe I'm wrong
Why do I see past all the rest of you
Why can I do this and still care what you think?
Why am I ashamed of myself?
Why am I worthless?
If you're not the norm, you mean nothing
You are strange to them or they act like they like you because they are suppose to
It makes them feel good to take in the less fortunate
They've done their good deed
You see that he can't walk, therefore he is the best
Mine's on the inside
You can't see if, so it's not there
I try to hide it, maybe you think it's not real
If I were hideously disfigured, would you love me more?
Or would you just be doing a good deed, by saying you like me?
Would you help me because it felt good, because it made you a better person?
Should I disfigure my outside, so you can see the pain on the inside?
Would that make it better?
Would I even get what I wanted from that?
What is it that I want anyway?
I really don't even know
I just want to feel that energy
To want to do something for no reason
To take a walk in the woods, just to feel the spider webs
I can't
I'm afraid I won't make it
I'll make it into the woods, but not back out
I'll get too tired, I'll be in pain
I will struggle to get out and I'll let you all down
Who wants to wait up for the slow one?
Especially if you can't see what is wrong
Is she doing this for attention?
Is this all an act?
You think it is, because you can't see it
Nothing is real if you can't see it
She is in pain
She doesn't want to be around you
But, wait. She does
She wants your acceptance
She wants your help
She's too proud to ask
She's too proud to admit that she needs it
Because maybe you won't understand
Maybe you will think that it isn't worth the added effort
When you're having fun in the woods, who wants to go back and get the slow one?

2/26/03

People fear what they don't understand
If you're not understood, would you change?
Do you scare people?
Do you like it?
Or do you conform to gain their acceptance?
Does that make you happy?
Does that make you whole?
Be waht you are, and don't be ashamed
Life is too short for conformity games

3/14/03

My blood runs red
I know because I've seen it
What color is yours?
Or have you never taken the time to notice
Does it scare you to bleed?
Or does it make you feel alive?
Sometimes I need to see it
Do you?
I met a person
A person who thinks I live
A person who thinks I'm alive
Living more than the people you see
I bet she bleeds red
Has she made it so?
Did she need to prove?
Did she cut the flesh?
I did
I bare the scars
Forever a reminder
Of the hurt that used to be
I see them sometimes
I see them a lot
Do others see?
The pain that was in me

Sometime in 1997...

It's a beatiful night, nearly over I'm sure. The sn will be hear soon like it comes every day. There is a faerie hiding in a tree above my head. She doesn't know, but I know she is there. She woops down trying to startle me just for fun. I played as if I was surprised to make her smile. she said she'd been with me for a very long time. Her tiny hand grabbed my pinky finger and slapped my hand as if I'd been bad. I laughted at her because it was cute. Ths stern beautiful faierie repromanding me. She said I was special, different fromall the rest. She said I know you have been hurt, a little more than the rest. But that was a gift because now you know more than most ever will. She told me to use my knowledge to save the ones who were willing. She said I have a gift, a very special gift. She said I'd never hate no matter what is done. I'll have love in my heart for all. She said sometimes it would make me sad because others do not know the things that I do yet, but she said I'd find someone just like me, just as special. i would lift this girl to where they should be and it would fill me full of joy. Tears of happiness would fall, all would be okay. This girl you will find has the sam gift as you, you wil help her find it. So this gift will be passed never ending , never dying, never ceasing to end the tears.

3/1/03

There's a darkness in the light
Not to be mistaken with the light inside the dark
What does it mean when you rarely see the light?
When you never laugh and you always cry?
Yo're afraid to sleep because it hurts
Isn't that where most find peace?
To feel the light is odd for me
To laugh out loud is ever so infrequent
To cry for me is ever too much
But it feels so good to feel the tears
The tears that have been trapped inside
It's like blood running from the wound rushing the impurities away
Are you one that crys in the dark, looking for the light?
or are you the one laughing out loud oblivious to the dark?

9/21/02

I am not me
Who the hell am I?
The world brought me pain
I burried it inside
I numbed the pain the best that I could
Now I can't stop
I don't know what it's like to feel what I need
Would I die if I let all that in?
Or would it set me free from the prison that I'm in?
Someone change my life
No, I need to change my life
Give me a day to feel what I need
If I can't take it, I don't deserve to be here
Could this be meant to be?
Maybe in some strange way I'm different
Maybe this was written in the stars
Maybe I see these things because I was meant too
Only the good die young
I truly beleive that
If I am that good, I will pass
But, there is something that I need to do
I don't know what it is, but it's there somewhere
I can feel it
I know that I must be here for some reason
I'm a suicidal failure
You're suppose to laugh there
I don't laugh, but I'm good at crying
I've always been good at that
I love to cry
I have been thinking lately, that I will join the rest
The rest that couldn't deal without that happy cloud
I hate my cloud, but I can't make it go away
Only myself can make that go away
I don't have the strength in this life to overcome it
Maybe that's why I always look to the otherside

2/26/03

Down Down Down
That's where I dwell
I think the world hates me
Even despises
My favorite descriptive word is raw
Raw is my personality
Raw is my being
Simple is me
Honest am I
I see the honesty in others
The honesty in all
Am I a saint?
Am I different?
I see the good in the evil
I help the bad to make them see
That there is someone who will listen
Who will care
Will they change?
Do I touch them?
Have I touched anyone?
Can anyone change the world?
Where is my place?
Where to I belong?
Do I just heal the sick and change the water to wine?

2/26/03

Okay now, let's disappear
I scared you away?
No, you scared yourself
You are blaming me
Although, I did nothing wrong
But, it's easier to blame another
You know what?
It's called denial
you were the initiator
I just went along
Can't say I didn't like it
But, never knew it would destroy you
What are you so afraid of?
It's called paranoia
Let it go, let it be
You'are pushing away what is best for you
Why can't you see?

3/14/03

You were there in front of me
That block that's there in front of me
I have so much want for what I do
I try so hard, but never come through
Is my time passed or has it just begun
Has an age been put on me?
But what if he's willing
To let me sing in front of the world
To let me find the little spot within the swirl
The one that spins me into never
The one that spins me into ever
will I die before I wake?
Will my soul be crushed and shaked?
Is there an opening within the block?
A place in my heart, that has not been locked
Let me out and let me sing
Let me hear that bell for me
The bell from my past that forever rings

9/21/02

I have a savior that does not know
Somewhere he does, but he doesn't let it show
He hides it and doesn't want to think that it's true
The girl that he loves has never been true
She never has lied, but her vision is shelled
Sometimes she see's outside, but quickly retreats
Would he love her, if he really knew?
I really think that he would, because it couldn't be worse
Would it be better to know the real me
Is there a better person inside of me?
I numb myself everyday
I've been numb for so long
I no longer know what is real
I can't give him the life that he truly desires
But yet he comes home everyday, and his love never suffers
Will he realize someday, that he doesn't really know me
Will he realize someday, that there's something in the way?
Will he grab me and smack me and throw me to the floor?
Wake me up from this dream that is my everday world
Will he love the person that walks from the cloud?
Who is that person who lives underground?
I hope she is good, caring and sweet
The person he thinks is there
I know deep inside he see's that girl
The girl behind the cloud who wants to be his world
I know I can love, I know that I care
I just don't care for myself, because I'm scared
I want out of this mess, but I don't know where to start
I want to know what is really in my heart
I can't find anyone to help, I know what I need
But, there seems to be no one that can understand me
But still he waits, and loves everyday
He thinks I'm a princess, is that what's really inside?
Does he see something I don't?
Can he see past the cloud?
Give me life, give me pain
That line just scared me
I don't live in a real life, I don't live with normal pain
I live in a shadow of pain, that I've numbed for so long
But, still he is here seeing something unknown

9/21/02

Am I special?
Right now I'd say no
Am I pure in my heart?
I hope so
I'm just not sure right now
Do I do things that are wrong?
Yes, all the time
So, how can I fix this?
I want to be good
I want to be whole
I want you to like me
I want the world to love me
A lot of people love me
But why?
They think that I'm special, but I have my doubts
I'm not like the others
The othes that float
I don't deal with the outside
Is that really good?
I want what is best, but don't do the best for myself
Do, I think I don't deserve it?
No, that's not it
I just can't do it
I can't live with the reality
I don't want to face the day
I just want to be here
Here, in my world
But, when I face the outside
It hurts
Maybe I'm selfish to sit in here
In my world
My world is a blur
My world is not real
It's a chemical feeling, that I cannot heal
What would I do, if I really had to feel
I don't think that I could
Everything's fake, it's not who I am
Just facats of something that might be in here
I'm scared to feel, what's really in there
I don't think I'll ever know, what I really feel like It's always been clouded
The cloud that is killing me
When I wake in the next world, will I feel what is really there?

2/26/03

All wind does is mess your hair up
All rain does is get you wet
All thunder does is scare your cat
All lightening does is light up the sky
All make-up does is cover your flaws

All people do is make you self concious
All your thought do are make you doubt
Almost everyone will betray you
It's very possible that no one really loves you
If you are lonely, get a pet

All trust is made to be broken
All words could be lies
All people are selfish
The person sitting next to you is thinking of someone else

6/22/03

Once again a reach
A reach towards me
Many in a night
To many to fathom
How could this happen?
I ask to myself
An unreal feeling
An accepting reach
Towards me
Towards what I've dreamed
Could this be real?
Could this be true?
Intestested in me
And what did I do?
I've never felt this
A feeling of acceptance
But it's here
And I must see it
It's so clear
But, so unreal
A star that came tonight
A transient state
A manic phase
Once done
Once through
I'll hold on to this
I will not turn away
I'll walk through the shadow
I'll give it a glace
They gave it to me
For once it may be real
I just have to accept
That it's me they want
No ne else
It's hard to believe
But for once I must
Walk through the shadow
Let it be

5/14/03

My blood always runs hot
The outside influence I wish it not
But, it's part of me
Will this always be?
When it's past
It all will be
A different life
For me to see
Could I change it
Look and see
The life that is all around me
Scared I am
Painfull it seems
To live for real
Without the reams
I'll stay safe
Behind my cloud
In the seams
Safe and sound
Until I'm strong and all comes through
Then I'll really see me and you
But, scared I am, and safe I'll stay
Until there's something to clean the stain

2/26/03

You think too much
But, the thoughts run off your tongue
The pawns don't get it
But, see something special
Although they have questions
Questions they wan to ask
But, are afraid
Maybe one day his thoughts will find an answer
The goodness is apparent
Everyone sees
He's lucky that way
To make them understand
He doesn't have to try
It's all shows right through his eyes

5/19/03

I'm still left here on my own
You passed me, and left me alone
I think of you always
I have to stop the thoughts
You are gone now and I can not relive the past
I can't even remember the good
The wonderful, the beautiful
You made it all better for me
What did I do for you?
I can not remember
Because it hurts to much to think it
My stomach hurts when I think of pleasant
That's not right
Did I do something so wrong
That I can't have you in my head
Even to remember all the years we spent?

2/26/03

There is a person that's not like the same
Even though he lives his own thoughts
Not many judge him because of his heart
In his head the thoughts are deep
he'll tell you what they are without a doubt
There's not a black bone within the body he lives
And that is why his love can not be bound
You'd think the norm would be afraid
But, the warmth of his heart always shinds through
Not many can be different and still be loved
He doesn 't even try because it's plain to see
That even in difference, there can be beauty
Eveone can see past the shell
You'll never have to be afraid to not know the truth
Because it bleeds from his veins
Look no further for honesty inside
He'll never let you down
There's always a smile all around
You'll never be let down by a painful frown

Sometime in January 2003

You have me in stitches
You have me so tied
Please just come and get me
You think I don't want that
But, you are so very wrong
Just come get me and all would be right
I promise on my life
Stop being scared
Stop being tied
Take what you want and all will be yours
Which in turn would make it all mine

5/19/03 "Inspirational Crap"

No one's there
Don't be afraid
It's all in your head
A bend in your mind
A hold on your head
Hold your breathe
Then let it out
It's all gone now
You may not believe me
And you may go on the same
But, I've been there
And I quit
Being in this place all your life
Is not the way to climb
Sore everyday
Let it go
Stop climbing
Just be
You're driving yourself into madness
No one else
Just yourself
Don't close your eyes
Keep them open all the time
Let it roll off
It can't hold you anymore
It's what they told you
It's what they made your believe
Make it go away
Do it yourself
Only you can make it all go away

5/14/03

How could I do this?
Maybe I should just forget
Shove it down where no one can see
Not even me
I betrayed you on the highest level
I don't know how to put it into words
You opened the door
I walked through
I never wanted to be in that place
But, you pushed me through
Where do I go from here?
Do I wait for it to come back to me?
Or will it hide deep inside of me
Never spoken
Never thought
Never happened

Sometime in April 2003

So you've sent me an angel
I know this in my heart
Though my heart could never replace
The gift you were to me
I am afraid you'll be angry
Angry that something could take your place
But I know you want me to live on
Therefore, did you send me this angel?
To take away the pain?
I need to know
So, I can always honor your name
Are you taking care of me from above?
Is this little angel your gift of love?
I'll never forget what you were to me
You have my heart forever
I will cherish this angel
Because that's what you want of me
She will help fill some gaps
But, she'll never be you
Thank you for watching over me
I know the light is watching over you

May 2003

Sorrow and sadness Anger and madness
Stop looking at me that way
Do you really see me in that light?
Think back and find the time
The time you knew me
Saw into my mind
You were there too
In the same place
You think you've moved on
Left me behind
Am I just a reminder of the person
You didn't want to be
Do I scare you to remember that seem
The seem you mended
Are you afraid it will unwind?

May 2003

Is it me?
Is it them?
Do I cause the conflict?
Or do they rip the purpose?
I'm always left with the blame
The soul that did wrong
The one who made the mistake
What if I looked the other way?
Would I be wrong?
Would they give play?
Could I be right all the time?
Could they be wrong and sing the same song?
Am I looking from the left side?
Or am I being too hard on my best side?

May 2003

A Flash, A Fire
A little something to confuse
A mile to walk
A long time to think
A thought that hurts
A mistake made
Fighting for their attention
Who are they?
Persons like you
Looking for their place
Why look to them
They can't see
They are looking to you
For the same

May 2003

A dagger in my gut
The once love lost
You hide yourself
Or am I the one hiding?
You wanted to hurt me
But, then you changed your stance
You saw inside my eyes
Eyes that gave you a chance
Will it burn tomorrow
Upon the sun you wake
To remember the look
Of all my soul to take

8/06/03

I tried to help
I didn't even know you
I saw in your eyes
Eyes that bleed pain
You pretended to listen
You hung on my every word
You fooled me
Not many do
But, I thought you were listening
I told you that you didn't deserve to be hurt
I told you how to make it stop
I gave you my truth
I didn't have too
I never have too
I just wanted to make you see
See that things could change
I beleived you
Only for minutes
I thought you heard
But, I turned my back
Behind my back you laughed
You didn't think I heard
But, I did and it hurt
Hurt to think that I showed you my heart
Gave you my time
Gave you my knowlege
Only to have you pretend
Only for minutes
You pretended to hear
You should have shunned me
Shunned me from the beginning
But, you are a coward
You were afraid to show me to my face
It's your loss
Never mine
I hurt for a time
But, realize that you'll still live in the same place
I tried to show you a better place
But, I'm sure you forgot
A second after I turned away
The second that you laughed
You had nothing to say when I confronted your laughter
You are a coward
You will live in your hell
You should have listened
But, who am I to say
Who am I to judge
You certainly judged
Or was that a show?
A show for the persons around you
I left with what I know
You left thinking of a confrontation
A confrontation you didn't expect
A coward doesn't like to be shown
A coward doesn't like the truth
Especially when the person is brave enough
Brave enough to tell you to your face

05/15/04

Nervousness
Shaking in corners
Where to let it out?
No where
No where you think
No where that they say
Panic always in the back of your mind
Thoughts racing
Words stuttering
Calm no where
Understand me please
I'm reaching out to you
Pick me up
Wrap around me
I need some solace
Inside my head
I need to share my worries
Find my place

05/15/04

Solace you've found tonight
Solace you've found in me
I don't know how I take you there
Maybe it's not to be known
It comforts me to make you calm
I just don't understand
What you see before you
That makes it go away
A sight
A feeling
A spiritual viewing
Tell me what you see
Maybe I can bring it
Maybe I can give it
Just let me in
I'll calm you from within

05/15/04

The hurt was too real
I'm crushed inside
I can't rebuild
I can't feel again
I try so hard
People reach
Someone is reaching
I turn away
Why be afraid
All are different
But if the hurt comes back
The cuts will show through
No more let downs
I've built a wall
Asked to break it
How can this be
Letting someone
Read what's inside of me

05/15/04

Breaking the silence
It's broken
Never to be glued back together
The damage has been done
The words have already been heard
I trusted your ears
I trusted you to hear
To take inside you
The truth I was letting
Now you turn
With the knowlege of me
Into a life, I may never see
But, you'll always know
The secrets of me
Take them with you
Sometimes think of me

05/15/04

Deep under ground lies the truth
I dig and can't get under ground
What surfaces is a mask
A mask of pain
A mask of drama
The untruth believed
Me left to fix it
If I sit still for a million years
Will it surface on it's on?
Will people remember
The spirit that was mine?
Not what you told them
Not all the lies
The bright spirit I had
And the passion that rised

05/15/04

Worry worry stop
You've stopped by me
Something I can not grasp
A feeling I've never given
It seems to be positive
A gift I've never given
A feeling of calmness
And all that is right
Maybe by accident
But evident it's become
I've laid down the carpet
And across you have come
Stop the worry
Stop the racing
No need with me
I won't judge pace
Fall asleep soundly at night
Knowing I think nothing
That you wouldn't think was right

10/25/03

I crossed the line
It felt real this time
Like I took a leap across a bridge
Will I change my mind?
Not to think
Not to care
I am myself
There's nothing else
Have I moved?
Have I grown?
Was this the start?
To find stars unknown

11/15/03

I don't think I like you
I am using you for false joy
Fun in the dark
Lust in the night
I don't even know you
I can barely see you
We don't know each other at all
But, I'll meet with you
Out in the cold, out in the dark
Press myself against you
I know it's not right
I know you're not it
But, you get me through
The hopeless hours
You get me through the night

11/23/03

I am so full
Full of feeling
There's a lump in my throat
A knot in my stomach
The tension unbearable
The torment of everyday
My life out of control
The restriction that holds me inside
Being misunderstood all the time
Why can't they see
What's really inside?
I just want to roam
To be free from it's grip
But, I'm stuck in the vice
You'll never know the true feelings inside
I try to explain
But, you won't change your mind
Please set me free
Let me find what I need
Let me discover myself
You don't trust who I am
You have no faith in me
What did I do to make you think this way?
I need you more than ever before
But, you stand above me
Looking down

6/15/03

I'm not afraid
As long as my heart still beats
Sometimes, I'm afraid it will stop
Without a warning
But, that will be meant to be
I am afraid it will be too soon
Before my time
A death caused by my self
A mistake in judgment
Will I die before I wake Or will I wake before I die
Either way, it's all a mystery
A fate set in stone
Watch me be who I am
You may not see it again
Will I be the person you expect?
Or will I be a failure in the eyes of man?
No one knows the answers to my questions
I've never found the one
Will I see another day
Or will the end come to play
Either way, it's fate's direction
I just have to trust
That the wisdom will come to me
I will play the game
I will be the pawn
I have no choice
But, to be
Life's a game
We all must play
If I die before I wake
I wish I lived my life
To the light it was meant to take

5/19/03

What do you really think of me?
When do you think of me?
Is it often?
Is it never?
Your name is finally starting to pass
How did you get inside me?
Did you mean to do that?
Do you like it there?
Or are you fleeing now?
In my thoughts you are running
Hiding from the complication
Hiding from what you really feel
I think you'll try one last time
I can feel it
Then will it be gone?
It's the mysery that intices you
It's the betrayal that pushes you
What will you do with your new found freedom?
Come to me like I don't feel?
Come to me like I can't see?
You've never taken me into consideration
You've never thought how this tears me
Will we ever have what we had?
You've pushed it away
I hope it drives you mad

6/15/03

I saw you
But, you didn't see me
You are afraid
Of what used to be
A love lost
A companionship closed
You won't open it up
You won't let me in
I miss your thoughts
I miss your touch
I miss your words
We slept in peace
It was long ago
It was a needed space
It was longing of love
You are afraid of me
You forgot who I am
You are afraid to reach me now
You are afraid to let me in
You are afraid the past will repeat
But, I know it isn't so
It has changed now
We need each other
We are bound
Bound by a moment
Bound by a meaning
Will you come back to me?
Will you remember the meaning?
The past is real
The past is infinite
It will never change
It will always be
It's just you and me
That made this be
Come back to me
Please don't retreat
You know the meaning
But, have been away for too long
You will remember in time
I am sure
The wound we shared will never heal
Please come back
Please remember
Come back to me
Stop fighting the feeling
It hasn't changed as much as you think
Visit me
Relate with me
Talk to me
Be with me
I love you always
We share a common bond
It will never go away
Share it with me
Remember it with me
Heal it with me