I was wrong
Today I go in to work. Like every other day since the break up, my head really isn't into this place. Still have a slight pain from a insect sting not too long ago. My mind is also on some personal projects I'd like to complete soon.

I'm not one to see advice, but I reveal what's happened to explain why I'm not focused. Funny how co-workers are like the friends you never knew you had. First thing I was told to do was send flowers. I've sent flowers before and shoot the idea down. I'm told I should call and suggest counseling. Again an idea I don't agree with.

"How did everything happen exactly?"

I explained that she was returning my call inviting them to come over. I was in a silly mood and she wasn't. After a few silly jokes about come, don't come, she asks, "how do you feel about us?"

I explain to my co-worker that after I answer, she starts talking about how I've been updating a profile, and listing myself as single and pointing out how I've celebrated a birthday recently. He responds, see that's where you messed up, those things are timed stamped. I reply that if she'd looked at the time stamp, she'd see the last change was done a few weeks ago.

I also say that Idon't change/look at the thing everyday and didn't even know what she was talking about for a while. At the time I couldn't even remember what I changed last, but it certainly wasn't because I was advertising myself.

He told me, that she had a legitmate concern. Doesn't matter that the page hadn't been changed in a while. The last change was still fairly recent.

Basically I was in the wrong. I can accept that, really doesn't matter whether I do or don't anyway. I'm not going after her, and she's not looking for me.

If this was our first fight, I'd go after her. If it was our first disagreement, I'd send flowers. However, this has happened too many times. Maybe when I made the original change to the page, I was seeking new opportunities. I know I certainly was not seeking them as things came to an end.

The profile page is closed now. Won't bring her back, altho I wish it would. Sooner or later I'll try again. Hopefully with better results.

Hopefully I'll be leaving work soon. I'm ready to go work on one of my projects.

8/11/03

Week two AG
It's been about a week since my girlfriend left me. Today is actually the 6th day, last tuesday was the day it happened. We'd broken up many times, but this one seemed for good. So far it seems that is indeed the case.

Everything started off so well. She definitely caught my eye the 1st time I saw her. Had maybe a month that could almost be described as perfect. Then due to my decision to help a friend we broke up. We reconciled and had a year of ups and downs before we finally decided to call it quits last week. Sometimes I think things might've been better if we'd ended last July.

I sit here and think maybe if I said or did something, we could get back together. However, I don't think I will do anything. At the end I believe I really was committed, but I had doubts. Not in what I wanted to do. I really did want to marry her. We'd both taken blood tests, and despite an argument or two things seemed ok.

I suggested we not live together til after the wedding, but we spent a great deal of time at each others homes. The phone call that ended it all, was her responding to a msg for her and the kids to come over after work. I was in a silly mood, thinking everything was fine and cool when I was hit with a question.

"How do you feel about us?"

Me being in a silly mood and certainly not on the same wavelength as her, I answer that I'm still committed to the reason we took the blood test. She tells me that I've been advertising myself thru a profile page and that I'm not serious. At first I don't know what she's talking about. When I realize what she's referring to, I don't even have the energy to correct her. So I just say, "ok."

6 days later and here I am.

8/10/03