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The Theories Page

Welcome to the New and Improved Theory Site. Here lie the completely insane machinations of the minds of Vin, Bob, and many others who have nothing better to do with their time than to come up with ridiculous ideas having to do with absolutely nothing. I have recently added some new theories, as well as having revised some old ones and making the theories easier to read with spacing and such. Enjoy reading, and try not to hurt your head too much.


By the way, I want to give credit to those who contributed to the theories, and others who made them possible. Shouts out to my main man Bob, whom without, this page would have never been created. Also thanks to Glen, Shawn, Dan, Brian, Greg, Dave, Mike, Lloyd, Meredith, Laura, Tom, Chester, Ge, and of course, Wesley Willis.


6/20 - Ive written up #12 - The go-go gadget esophagus, and included the new #34 Jurassic park ride theory (yeah i know they are misnumbered and shit, i dont have time anymore!! BLARHGHH I HATE YOU ALL!!!! ESPECIALLY ERIC!!!)

7/23 - Yeah I'm lazy, i revised theories #1-16, dont bug me or ill rip out your anus with a rusty spork

7/24 - revised theories #17 on, ive got way too much free time on my hands...., ill get around to adding new theories shortly, not like anyone really cares or reads this page in the first place!! BLARGH

7/31 - Added FIVE new theories, including #16 and #36-39. Read em and weep fellas.



Theory #1
Stupid Basics Students
By Bob and Vin


Back in the old days of middle school, there was a thing called Basics class, a class that contained all the people too goddamn idiotic to be in a regents class. These stupid basics students can’t comprehend 1st grade mathematics or anything at all to be precise. They can’t seem to spell their last name, and sit there all period and go “bleeeaaaaaghhhhhh!!!” with their eyes glazed over, slack-jawed, and tongues hanging out. Basics class is also home to all the stupid, conceited sluts of the school, who are so used to chewing gum that they chew their own tongues off for no apparent reason until bleeding to death by the end of the period. The teacher gets so angry that he/she throws random objects such as toaster ovens, refrigerators, or perhaps a 20-foot statue of Stalin at the students who refuse to stop droning on.

When the students go to the hallways, their behavior changes immensely. They become violent, practice poorly-performed wrestling moves, stab each other with cheap dull knives or paper clips, and gang rape anything that is rapeable (including assorted animals or protozoic organisms). They also talk to inanimate objects, and insult honor students with vocabulary words such as “doorstop”, a word that they could never comprehend because it is more than one syllable in length. A typical basics student sentence would consist of "I’m go to work for DOLLAH BILL YOOOOOOOOOOO!!" (the veins in their heads contract profusely as they have difficulty pronouncing DOLLAH). Then they do the mutha-fuckah symbol ( ) cause they can’t actually say a word with 4 syllables. They all have about 20 beepers/cellphones, spend $9899.898.9.8 a week on service, and cut class to beep/call each other just so it seems like they aren’t throwing money down the crapper and for no other reason.

The class average is approximately –7,500, due to the fact that on multiple choice tests the students write essays that mainly comprise of 3 words in a sentence. Such was the case when in 1992, a student wrote a 9,000,000,000 word essay, comprised of the sentence “korn is good” repeated over and over. These essays show such a large concentration of mind-boggling stupidity that the teacher has to give a negative grade, then neatly and quietly execute the student in the back room.

Basic classes were seen as a relief to honor students because if basics and honors were mixed together, it would have catastrophic effects similar to matter and anti-matter combining…. Besides, honors students would destroy them with large assault rifles they constructed themselves with nothing more than toothpicks and wet Kleenex because they could no longer take the incessant droning of “BLLLEEEEAAAAAAAAARRRGGHHHHH!!”



Theory #2
Oglethorpe’s Packets
By Bob


James Oglethorpe (Oag-Lee-Thor-Pay) has to do the excruciatingly long U.S. History packets, even though he is dead. Every week we gotta dig him up and throw the packets in his coffin. The packets decompose and the decomposition forms grooves and valleys that look like someone wrote on the paper without ink (actually forming the correct answers). So when we dig him up we gotta force him at gunpoint to use a pen to go over the grooves, but he never seems to do it. It could be because he is dead and decomposed so badly that he can’t be reanimated, but we believe its just because he is stubborn and insubordinate.



Theory #3
Soviet Milk Commercials
By Bob


In Russia, every commercial is almost exactly the same in principle:

Soviet Milk Commercial – a man is in an armchair reading a newspaper (or the Communist Manifesto), he stops, grabs his chest, and violently throws himself to the floor and actually dies of a heart attack. Then, after 2 seconds, the text “Got Milk?” appears on the screen (in the long version, the man vomits milk after the text appears.)

Soviet Loan Commercial – same thing, except the text reads “When your bank says no, Champion says yes!” and then he vomits milk. (In the American translation, to make it more understandable, he vomits the old guy from the commercials).



Theory #4
Trix Rabbit Dying and Vomiting Lucky Charms
By Bob and Vin


The kids, understandably angered by the Trix Rabbit’s belligerent attempts to bogart their artificially sweetened corn puffs, form a gang and smoke the rabbit in the head with their gatts. The rabbit dies in typical cartoon fashion, going through a 5-hour death throe complete with flowers sprouting out of his arse. Then after he dies, he vomits Lucky Charms. (A unique attempt of American corporation trying to imitate the extremely successful commercial market of Russia.)



Theory #5
The Height of the Day
By Vin


Someone once claimed that they were taller than tall on a tall day, so the arses at NASA decided to figure out how to measure the height of the day. Using nothing but meter sticks in the old-fashioned hand-over-hand style, they continue on a project to measure the distance from NASA to the sun. So far the project cost is up to $989,998,899,999,888,999,888.99, considering that it costs $5 billion per superindestructible meter stick so it doesn’t melt in close proximity to the sun. However, when they drop one, they waste 95% of the national budget.



Theory #6
Disposable St. Louis Arches
By Bob and Vin


The St. Louis Arch is made of aluminum foil and isn’t fastened down good, so it blows away every 5 minutes and has to be rebuilt. All the arches are mysteriously deposited in an exact location in the Montana Badlands, where a merchant sells them for $3 each. Then the consumer fastens em down in his backyard, but the arch blows away instantaneously, and the dude is like “3 bucks for a national monument?!? What a rip-off!!”



Theory #7
Natural (Enlarged) Keyboard
By Bob


The natural keyboard is so oddly proportioned that the space bar alone is the size Kansas. You need arms that are hundreds of miles long just to type your name. It takes 2 years to stretch your arms out long enough to reach the midrow keys and yourarms need to be restretched every year (Or you could just take off your limbs and randomly throw them to hit a key, but you can only type 3-letter words, unless of course you can throw your arm with your teeth.)



Theory #8
Dead Inert Poisonous Gas Snake!!!
By Bob and Vin


Since there are already solid and liquid snake, it was necessary for a Gas Snake to come about. Gas Snake is composed of superdense (9898.99.898.9 g/ml) extremely poisonous substance, in fact so poisonous that after taking one breath of himself, he dies from his poison, rendering him Dead Inert Poisonous Gas Snake!! He moves along on his frictionless inertia that he established before his death, approximately 0.5 mph.

Currently, the German and Soviet armies are fighting, using Dead Gas Snake as their main weapon. They use 5000-foot diameter High Velocity Fans to try to blow him across the battlefield in order to kill the other soldiers. Even though he is dead, Gas Snake makes a droning “BLAARRRGGGG” similar to that of basics students. The entire war is not based on resource management, tactical maneuvers, or strategy, but rather who can build the largest fan.



Theory #9
Old Country Buffet
“A Portal To Homielot”
By Bob


The Old Country Buffet is built over the portal to Homielot, where homies can eat, recharge, and homiefy before going home. The buffet has everything, but the only thing that gets eaten is the fried chicken. In fact, the need is so large, that the resturant is controlled by 4 urban gangs that are highly armed, and each gang has its own territory within the resturant. Large-scale wars erupt for control of buffet items. Hundreds are killed. People surreptitiously steal food from there, even though it is encouraged out in the open by the management. There are even bags provided, labeled “Food Stealin’ Bags”, but people still shove biscuits in their arses.



Theory #10
E. Honda’s Electric Generation
By Bob and Vin
Koshy’s Note – E. Honda is Yummy!


In Street Fighter II for the SNES, sumo wrestler E. Honda had a special attack called the “Hundred Hand Slap”, in which he hits so fast it looks like he has multiple arms. Most of the time, using this move caused the framerate to drop dramatically and slow the game and system down. This is not because the SNES has .98998 of a hertz as a processor speed (the N64 has .0000000009 of a hertz), but instead, E. Honda is drawing electricity from the system and powering your neighborhood. Las Vegas recruited E. Honda in the Summer of 1995 to power the entire city. He stands in the middle of the desert with huge cables plugged into his arse and does the hundred hand slap 24-7. Also, the liquid flowing through Hoover Dam is not water, it’s the massive amount of sweat that E. Honda generates from all the activity.



Theory #11
External Viagra
By Bob and Vin


External Viagra is a variaton of the anti-impotency drug. Instead of being in pill form, it is now in cream form, and stiffens anything it is applied on. If you put it on your arm, it stiffens to the point where it breaks if you use it. It is used by cops to apply on their bullet-proof vests and makes them absolutely indestructible. It is also used in chemistry as a reverse-sublimation agent that turns gas into a solid, which is performed by putting it on a kinfe and waving it around within the gas that needs to be solidified.

There is also an anti-viagra called Argaiv, which makes it extremely difficult to obtain or maintain an erection. This is used for guys who are extremely horrible with women, or for married men who want to escape being forced to have sex with their horrendously disgusting wives. However, taking too much can have effects that are the reverse of overdosing on viagra. Taking too much Argaiv causes your penis to implode upon itself, burrowing itself deep inside your crotch and rendering you with a vagina.



Theory #12
Go-Go Gadget Esophagus
By Vin


Inspector Gadget has recently had an upgrade due to the more modern technology being used by criminals these days. His new arse-enal includes the go-go gadget asscheeks, go-go gadget erection, and even the extremely deadly go-go gadget highly acidic flaming projectile vomit. However, his most lethal enhancement is the innovative, sporty, and sexy Go-Go Gadget Esophagus. When used, Inspector Gadget’s titanium esophagus contracts and shoots out of his mouth, with an accompanied obnoxious BLEEARRRGHGHH sound, very similar to those of basics students. His esophagus then elongates to the required size and strangles the target relentlessly, or can also destroy brick walls, suffocate little children, or swallow entire useless cities like Austin, Texas. The go-go gadget esophagus can stretch to any possible size, and can kill a person in Los Angeles from Miami within 0.00989898999.989.999.88 seconds.

Although given countless job offers in the United States military service to swallow up enemy tanks and mangle pathetic French aircraft, Inspector Gadget chooses to spend his free time employed by the NYC Sanitation Dept, endlessly sucking up the garbage from Freshkills Landfill, which continues to grow at a rate somehow even faster than the amount of garbage produced by all of North America per day, completely covering all of Staten Island in toxic waste. Inspector Gadget’s next assignment will be to take care of those pesky mutants emerging from the wastelands that were once called homes of various Staten Island residents. The garbage overflow has also caused all of the water within a 45 mile radius to become completely congealed, therefore causing widespread havoc and providing for the invention of the new sport, super garbage glob figure skating.



Theory #13
The Tuvix 2-Sided Car!
By Vin


The 5-star fast-selling 2004 Tuvix 2-Sided car uses all sorts of new technological advances. First it is actually 2-sided, as in it has 2 front ends, two engines and two steering wheels, placed symetrically about the center width of the car. When the car begins to accelerate, it either goes nowhere or splits in two and drives just as it would if it has a back end, even though it doesn’t and grinds against the ground and the driver constantly falls out and spills into oncoming traffic.

The car is equipped with Bread-lock brakes (soviet bread is so hard (hardness scale of 89.8989.88.9) that it can be used to stop thousands of tons of pressure) and Vodka-matic transmission (gives your shifting a “drunken” feel, in other words you can be doing 80 down the highway, and suddenly your transmission shifts to 1st gear, and your car overheats and blows up). The newest feature of this car is its anti-hydrolics system. Instead of bouncing up and down, it bounces down and up, in other words, it smashes into the ground with 500000 pounds of force over and over again for no apparent reason. The driver has to repair the car after using the system for 5 seconds, but likes it anyway because its “Cool Yo! Dollah Bill Yo!” Ect.

The car is also equipped with an external air conditioner mounted on the roof of the car. Even though the cool air barely reaches into the car even if the windows are open, the cool air disperses throughout the street, and hardly does anything. People on the sidewalk will still benefit, most will experience 1/1000 of a second of exhilarating coolness. As another effect, the exhaust from the AC feeds directly into the car, while the windows become locked and indestructible, causing the passengers to vomit and die horrible suffocating painful deaths.



Theory #14
Y2Ge
By Bob, Glen and Vin


Brian Ge lives an alternative life as a wrestler. He is known as the notorious Y2Ge. He is Chinese. His mom sells her body for 5 cent a tap. People get all up in that. When he enters the ring, instead of fireworks, there are shredded napkins, flying ketchup, and noodles. When he gets heat from the crowd, he puts on a confused face, and gives the middle finger. Once he gets into the ring, he proceeds to do his breakdance number. Chyna is his valet, because he is from China, and SHE IS CHYNA, get it?!! HAHHH HAHA HA HAH HAHHA HAHA HA HA HHAHA HAA HAH AHAH HAAH HAAH A AHAHAH AH AHAHA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAH A HA HAAH AH AH HA, so anyway hes a bitch and he likes grits.



Theory #15
Lost in Levittown
By Bob and Vin


Levittown is a town with horrendously ambling streets. One road will switch back on itself 20,000 times over a distance of 12 feet. You could drive for 10 hours down one street and end up 17 feet away from your starting location without ever crossing back over your path. The only way to get anywhere in Levittown is to drive through people’s yards. The residents don’t mind this, and they have to rebuild their fences 12 times every 2 hours. In fact, Levittown’s population is entirely composed of people who get lost and fed up trying to escape the jaws of Levittown and settled there. They all have homes elsewhere and even if they live in Levittown for 30 years, they never learn the way out in order to return to their previous lives, even though they spend every waking moment of those 30 years dreaming of escaping the rancid bandlands of LEVITTOWN!!!! (GASP!!)



Theory #16
Homiemon – Gotta Cap ‘Em All!
By Bob and Vin


Fox’s latest attempt to hoard more of the child cartoon market lies in a new show called Homiemon: Gotta Cap Em’ All. The show is actually just a cheap Americanized version of Pokemon, featuring homie-style creatures that participate in such activities as gang wars, producing R + B music videos, robbing random KFC’s, and showing off their hoes in their brand new anti-hydraulic Tuvix 2-sided cars. However, in order to cut budget costs and reap profits, the show only features 10 Homiemon, whereas the other 140 or so were previously killed in gang wars.

These 10 Homiemon, with innovative names such as Bustacap, Bitchazor, Smackdahoe, and Friedchickenmon, run around with some lousy-ass trainers and fight each other. Instead of coming out of Pokeballs, the trainers store their Homiemon in used KFC buckets, where they pop out, covered in grease and ready to fight. The Homiemon do not have any interesting attacks or personalities, but rather all of the battles of the entire show rely on the size of each Homiemon’s gun. The trainers do not compete in organized tournaments of any sort; instead, they just fight for money, drugs, and sex. The entire show has no moral value whatsoever, but parents encourage their kids to watch it anyway. I mean really, its better than getting seizures from other Japanese cartoons, trying to take over the US with their hypnotic, cancer-causing, combustible, volatile, mind-bogglingly idiotic shows. Yeah I know this theory sucks, so FUCK OFF BITCH!!! I’ll pop a cap in yo bitch ass mothafucka!!!



Theory #17
Bob’s Cancer-Cancer-Causing Nestea
By Bob


Cool Nestea is made entirely out of random carcenogenic volatile chemicals, with only a molecule of tea leaves and water. These chemicals cause every kind of cancer in whoever or whatever drinks it. Bladder cancer, stomach cancer, throat cancer, and even the infamous cancer-cancer. Of course, the cancer is benign, since the cancer kills the cancer it is on, and the cancer that it killed dissolves. Drinking more causes more cancer, but the only cancer that is malignant is the cancer whose exponent is an odd number.

i.e. Cancer-5 or cancer-cancer-cancer-cancer-cancer is malignant.



Theory #18
Bob’s Horrendous Physical Unfitness
By Bob Obviously


Bob is in horrible physical shape. His stomach rolls have rolls on them. He needs a quadruple bypass if he intends to do anything physically strenuous. There is so much cholesterol in his veins that only one cc of blood can flow through per hour. It takes him 29 minutes to walk home, and a half hour to run home. He needs a cab to put something in his mailbox. If he ever got a blood transfusion, his blood type would be KFC+.



Theory #19
Greg is God
By Greg


There is no way about this, I Am God I can not be destroyed. I have had my head smashed in and drank liquor until my eyes were bleeding and I still live. I am the creator of all and the destroyer of small farm animals, especially sheep. Sheep are evil. They look at you with their beady eyes and try to rape you. People shave their hair off because sheep hair is the power of Satan’s bloody fist of fury. Goonies is a good movie. Chunk is fat. Yo Yo’s are fun. The government is corrupt. They have little monkeys that go to your house at night and have sex with your mother while singing the national anthem.



Theory #20
Jerry Seinfeld
Koshy’s Note – Hottest Man on Earth


He’s Jewish.

Jerry Seinfeld is the worst comedian and has the worst sitcom. The entire show is like this – Seinfeld materializes and says (its hard to emulate how obnoxious he sounds) “I mean whats the deal with Snapple??!!??! You open the can............... and you drink it!!! 6 minute laugh track, then camera cuts to Kramer walking down the street and he goes “Woah-oh!” 15 minute laugh track. The End. KILL HIM!!!

Oh, and he’s Jewish.



Theory #21
Poor Ass and Stupid Ass Kenyan Marathon Runners
By Brian


Kenyan people have nothing to do but to run from African to African country just for fun. Then someday they run to New York for the free pasta dinner cause they’re poor. After they run and win the marathon they fly an expensive jet back to their home country and crash it but somehow live and are left with 6 cents, and they do it over and over again till they get enough money to by a pair of roller-skates at a garage sale. Then an hour later, they crash, because they can only run, and die.



Theory #22
The Black Man Conspiracy
By Glen


I don’t know what it is….. but they be likin’ grits!!!



Theory #23
First E-mail
By Bob


In the infancy of electronic mail, someone came up with the idea to combine letters with telephone properties. But the problem was that there were no computers to send the correspondence. So the postmaster general and the guy that controls the roads and stuff had a baby and that baby immediately ordered construction of onramps to telephone lines for mail trucks, even at 3 minutes old.

So, people would save documents from Word to disk with their nonexistent computers and give them to their own private e-mail courier, the courier would drive into the nearest phone line and make the trip at an inch per minute towards their destination. Many times the lines clog and explode, and the trucks fall onto the street killing millions. A young Steve Case witnessed an event like this and it inspired him to create the chaos and stifling fascism that is AOL!!! ---dramatic music---



Theory #24
The Disgusting Anorexic Ally Mc Beal
AKA (Ally Mc Skinny Bitch)
By Bob and Vin


Other nicknames:
Ally Mc Breakable____Ally Mc Pain-killers
Ally Mc Regurgitate_______Ally Mc Repulsive
Ally Mc Bulimic_______Ally Mc Ounce
Ally Mc I’d-like-to-smash-her-face-in-with-a-huge-brick-Beal
Ally Mc Braile (Her body is too skinny to produce enough energy to power her optic nerve system)
Koshy’s Note – Ally Mc Donald that had a hay farm, Ally Mc Nugget, Ally Mc Mamma

Ally Mc Beal is the skinniest, most repulsive bitch that ever lived. You might think that skinny women would look somewhat attractive, but this hoe defies all laws of society. She is so skinny that when you throw food at her it will dissolve her skin, similar to the reaction of combination of matter and anti-matter. It only takes a non-diet cola and a bag of chips to cause her to wither up and die. She is so skinny that Bally Total Fitness centers have recruited her because her skinnyness sends vibes that cause others around her to lose weight at a rapid pace of 10 pounds per minute. That is why all the other pimps + hoes on the show are under 120 pounds, even if they are 6’5”.



Theory #25
The Dave Song
By Dave


Dave is Stupid.
(Sing to the tune of “Meow Mix”)



Theory #26
Ge’s Mutha
By Bob, Glen, and Vin


Ge’s mother is a grade A hoe. Selling her body to random sumo wrestlers (even though they are Japanese and she is Chinese), she eventually gained the tree-fitty to afford passage to the Land Of Opportunity. She took her bastard son, Brian with her. In the U.S. she struck it rich with her prostitute business, making over 50 times more money than she used to make in China, with her new average salary of $8.95 a month.

Ge’s mom became so popular in Hicksville, that all of the greasy Mexicans from NYC come to town and wait on line for her services. This line began to accumulate into the infamous “Ge’s Mutha Line”. Stretching over 190 miles in length, it wraps around every block in Hicksville just to accommodate such a huge number of customers. By now, she has become an international attraction. There is an airport in her backyard, huge flashing neon signs pointing towards her house, while many ingenious entrepreneurs have started businesses to sell products to people waiting on the line (mostly beer and condoms). Demand is so large that she now goes 24/7, even in her sleep (who says you have to be awake to “do business”?) Meanwhile Brian sits in his basement playing his computer, marketing his mother via internet. However, he still does not understand why he hears moans and high-pitched screams all day and night. He just ignores it and peruses his ambitious wrestling career.



Theory #27
Fox Special Get out of Hand


- When Masked Magicians Marry Multi-millionaires on Greed
- When the Elderly Attack
- When Rabid Super-cooled Refrigerators go on the World’s Scariest High-Speed Police Chases 9.8
- The For-Me-To-Poop-On Show
- When Chefs Attack (What Really Happens When You Send Your Food Back)
- When Violence Attacks
- When Yo Mutha Attacks
And of Course……
- When Alarm Clocks Explode With the Force of 98989898899899888.9 Hydrogen Bombs and Throw Flaming Corpses of Poodles Named Foofoo Through Twinkie Trucks Which Cause Them to Jackknife and Kill a Convoy of Mimes Who Surprisingly Scream Very Very Loudly Before They Die Horrible Painful Flaming Deaths



Theory #28
Superhero Vin AKA the Parenthesis Theory ( ) ( ) ( )
Finally – The Bob has returned to Theoeoeoeoeooeory writing!!
(Transcribed by Vin on his lunch break from Bob’s original crappy-ass paper)


Many would think Vin is a normal person who regularly beats Bob’s arse at RTS games, but Vin has an alter ego. It is none other than Lord Afro! Whenever there are hoes to recruit, or one of his current hoes is in distress, he switches outfits much like how the Sims get in their PJ’s (he spins 360 degrees and the clothes just appear on him, accompanied by a “whoosh” sound). The letters “LA” appear on his fur-trimmed trenchcoat, his afro grows 8 times its size and becomes metallic, and a chef hat appears on his head for some odd reason (titled to the side of course, and it never seems to fall off.) So anyway, grits….. Oh wait, the story, right.

Anyway he jumps into his minivan, the HoeMobile, and it backfires and the muffler scrapes along the ground as he screeches out of his driveway with no turn signal on (GASP!!!!). At this point, Vin doesn’t see out of his own eyes, instead he views his world from a series of cheesy-assed camera angles, like from a 70’s cop show like Starsky and Hutch. Each scene change is dictated by a spinning “LA” symbol accombanied by a vibrato trumpet ensemble (prounounced ahn-sam-bull for those of you who are wasted, don’t smoke compulsively, and hate Jerry Lewis.) The trumpet vibrato is performed by the re-animated corpse of Louis Armstrong, who is buckled into the back seat. His body is so decomposed that Vin had to create artifical arms (powered by steam for some reason), so now whenever he plays, a burst of steam erupts from the ball-and-socket joint in his shoulder and melts off half of his face. Because of this, he has to be reconstructed and maintained every Saturday, so on that day, the reanimated corpse of Dizzy Gillespie fills in for him. The downside of that when he plays the trumpet, his cheeks superinflate and completely take up the space inside the van. This obscures Vin’s view and causes him to crash into conveniently-placed utility poles, stacks of produce, or blue-haired old laides shambling home with 3 grocery bags filled with nothing but cat food for their 5 billion cats.

When Vin is on the job, he doesn’t carry normal weponary, he carries his patented breathmint arsenal. Nothing says “pimpadelic” like blastic some foo off a cliff with a Tic-Tac Mortar (the weapon actually says “pimpadelic” since Vin put in the voice chip from his commodore 64, and also you can play A.P.B. on an LED embedded on the weapon.) So anyway, Vin rushes to the scene of his hoes in distress. Normally they are captured so by the time he arrives on the scene, they have already escaped, captured the criminals, and averted the complete destruction of the universe and the sock deposits on the plant Zbleefnargenbargensligenhoemamacheesetangentbleem-9 (Hey, it was discovered by some fascist Nazi Commie German hoebag, he named it. Stop laughing at me, Dammit!!) using nothing more than popcorn, yarn, and a button that says “I Like Ike”, since they are super-intelligent-hoes, if you remember.

So Vin gets there, and his hoe and him stare blankly at each other, then bust out and do the Watusi, the Rock Lobster, the Ge Windmill, and the Hustle along with the criminals, even if they were killed by the popcorn kernels turned thermonuclear toasters that the hoes constructed. And Issac from the Love Boat keeps running in frame yelling “Outta Siiiiiiight!”


Part XLVIXL9021Hoe
The Getaway


Now Vin and his hoe must make their getaway. They jump into the Hoemobile through the windows, even if Vin forgot to roll them down ahead of time. So they peel out and make a break for Vin’s hi-zouse. Even though they aren’t being chased, they have to make the getaway more dramatic to increase ratings, which draws more sponsors, which gets them more money (even though they aren’t on TV anyway). So, Vin keeps slamming a button that forcefully ejects the hubcaps, even on the slightest of turns. When all four are ejected, he orders his hoe to drive so he can put on more hubcaps while the minivan is still speeding, just to fire em off again on the next 1 degree turn. And to make all of this even more daring, Bob is dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole jutting out of the top of the minivan (of course, he falls off ever time Vin hydraulically fires the hubcaps and dies every time but still materializes on the next getaway). Now if you’ll excuse me, I gotts to get some collard greens past these huge lips of mine.



Theory #29
The Upside-Down / Downside-Up Theory
By Brian


Unfortunately, most of this theory is written upside down and the rest rightside up, but I don’t know how to fix that on a comp, and the theory will make absolutely no sense written all on one side. So anyway it sucks for those of you who weren’t around when we actually wrote these. Ha



Theory #30
The Buttered-cat Theorem
By Bob


When a cat is dropped, it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands with the buttered side down....Therefore I propose to strap buttered toast to the back of a cat. The two will hover, spinning inches above the ground. With a giant buttered cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link New York with Chicago.



Theory #31
Vin’s Hoes
Continuation of the Getaway… Kinda
By Bob


First things first, Brian sucks a lot of ass. He had to write a damn theory in marker, didn’t he?!?! His damn theory on how he spanks it whenever he sees his beloved Braves bled through the page and is making this harder to read. Why didn’t you write this on the next page you ask? Well, that’s just what those goddamn fascists want me to do!! Bastards with their ass-high boots and swastika shurikens, cant let the little guy have any fun. Yeah, cuz we all know that my theories are enemies of the state, cuz my theories went up to the state and shoved it, then called it a bitch. Now the state is all like “I’m gonna get my 50 black capital friends to jump your ass after school”, then my theory goes to fight him and the state shows up with a rabbit and a guy in a wheelchair, so the theories kick their asses and [next page] ok that’s better.

Now to reiterate, Brian hoovers balls like its goin out of style in 10 minutes, oh and Jon Stewart is so much better than Kilborn, if you watch Kilborn’s new show, it sucks balls (on a lesser scale than Brain of course) and Jon Stewarts interviews are a billion times funnier, and Stewart doesn’t get pissed if his jokes don’t live up to the expectations like Kilborn does. Oh and Norm Macdonald is horrendous. Anyway, on to the theory...

Vin operates in the city pimping his Grade A hoes. He leans against the wall wearing his chef hat and apathetically conducting business while reading the New York Times. A person will rent a hoe for the night for such illicit activities as homework, studying, and tutoring (since as I explained in previous theory, they were ultra-intelligent) if the client gives the hoe 95% of every dollar and cent created or minted by the U.S. government, she will gyrate slightly for him, providing the man pumps up some booty-shaking beats like from Santana, Mark Anthony, or Color Me Badd. At that point, Vin jumps in thru the window out of nowhere like the Kool Aid man and says “Ohhh Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!”, which would surprise even the most established client like Shawn.

So anyway, after that, Vin does the Homie Hop and promptly jumps back out the window to exit, even if he is on the 83rd floor of some rundown building in the middle of Spanish Harlem where Shawn normally schedules his rendezvous. Sometimes Vin survives the fall but then 300 guys named Jose materialize and viciously mug and beat him to death, then they rip off all his clothes and put him up on cinderblocks for some reason. I’ve strayed from my initial subject of Vin’s hoes, in retrospect this is not one of my finest. I think I can make it up with this:
Here is supposed to be a picture of the front side of the wrapper of a Hostess Apple Fruit Pie. However, I must scan this image, but you could imagine how pointless and hilarious it must be. Well, not really. But hey, we tried.



Theory # 32
Friend House: The only Chinese restaurant owned and operated by Frankenstein Himself
By Vin and Tom


Just about anyone who lives in either NYC or on Long Island has been to at least one Chinese food restaurant in their life. Most of those restaurants have reasonable or genuine names, such as the Hunan Dynasty or Chinese Fooooooooood (well actually that is from a movie but you can go fucking cry about it). Others, especially in NYC, end with the word house, being prefixed by an adjective such as Red House or even the infamous or slightly ridiculous Yummy House. However, some random idiot decided to name one of these such restaurants with not an adjective, but a noun... One making absolutely no sense whatsoever as to the nature of the restaurant. However, there is a reason that the restaurant has been named so retardedly, being that it is run by none other than the infamous Frankenstein.

Frankenstein unfortunately has a very poor vocabulary, but he does not let that get in the way of his business. He named the restaurant after one of the words he could pronounce best, which is the word “Friend” (in his moaning voice as seen in the movie). In fact, that is the only word he is able to utter, but still manages to maintain steady business daily.

One might think that his blatant stupidity would hinder sales and discourage the customers of Friend House, but it actually performs just the opposite. People flock here just so they can be called “Friend” (as most of them are actually just homeless, losers with no friends, or washed up actors and band members such as the Backstreet Boys). The menu consists of the word “Friend” many times along a column, with another column of various prices directly on the right. Even though the customer will always order the “Friend” as an appetizer, main course, drink, and perhaps dessert, Frankenstein knows what to cook and will serve you random food of his choice.

Unfortunately, the customers are often dissatisfied due to the fact that they never get what they want, usually ending up getting the same exact plate with a slice of moldy bread and some semen on the side. However, they will usually not complain due to fear of such a large waiter who will crush the customer’s liver and send them into severe convulsions and aneurisms if he is offended. People continuously eat disgusting food and get their asses kicked, all for a rather lousy price, but always come back just because they are always called “Friend”.

Frankenstein does not have enough income to hire employees, so he works the entire restaurant by himself. He has to cook, serve tables, clean, answer phones, and do everything else simultaneously. This results in the average waiting time per customer to be around 37.6 hours, and for the most part loses Frankenstein whatever tip he were to get for his horrendous service in the first place. He also does deliveries, leaving his store open as he grumbles and slowly paces on foot to the destination. Every time he does this, the entire store is looted and plundered, and Frankenstein must start his business up again from the few extra dollars he made off the delivery, that is even if he made any money because the customer shoots him in the face with a sawed-off shotgun, not because he is 6 hours late and the food is freezing cold, but because he is a 7 foot freakish monster. There was one instance however that Frankenstein went on a 261-hour delivery to somewhere in West New Jersey, completely forgetting about those customers he locked inside the restaurant who died miserable grueling deaths due to starvation. If this seems ironic, remember that the only thing in Frankenstein’s inventory is moldy bread and a bucket of old recycled semen. Luckily, the customers did not locate Frankenstein’s closet of fortune cookies, which all contain either the fortune “You Friend??”, or sometimes a broken piece of glass, a bone, rock, syringe, or other random item. Although better than the moldy bread, customers still are very wary as to if they will live when forced to eat the cookie and its contents or face extreme brutal beating by Frankenstein.



Theory #33
Prof. Gelfman: The Undead Physics Professor
By Vin


Most members of the Cooper Union school board actually believe that Professor Gelfman is just another deaf, senile, decrepit professor who just refuses to retire. Little do they know that Gelfman is not just any ordinary senile professor…. He is the world’s only undead professor!

Gelfman began his teaching career when the Cooper Union was opened back in the later 1800’s. As a rather brilliant teacher and good friend of Peter Cooper, he made a great asset to the school. However, as he began to age, he reached a point of overwhelming senility, to the point where the only two words he could say were “what?” and “F sub I”. Some other ingenious teachers, rather than firing Gelfman, decided to develop a process of reanimation which would enable them to revive Gelfman daily for him to teach class. Saving the Cooper Union millions of dollars, Gelfman was placed in a special reanimating coffin after his death, placed deep in the bowels of the Cooper Union Engineering Building's 23rd basement floor. For over 75 years, random professors have had to go pick Gelfman out of his coffin and push him into the classroom and force him to teach. At the start he was quite reluctant, just wanting to rest in peace, but the professors forced him to teach at gunpoint while threatening to make him go back to college to learn physics again while going on a diet. Figuring that droning freshmen students to sleep was better than relearning all the physics that he had forgotten (which by upper-classmen quote is “more physics than you will ever learn in your entire life”), Gelfman has continued his teaching career and will until the end of time, even if there is nobody left to teach (by that time he will be completely blind and deaf so he wouldn’t notice anyway).

Being that Gelfman is undead, he does require weekly maintenance tune-ups to keep him in teaching condition. Every weekend, engineer alumni re-graft his decomposing skin, replace his hair with a brand-new gray-colored toupee, and make random adjustments to he cerebral cortex. The typical student might think that Gelfman is almost deaf and completely unaware of his surroundings due to his old age (or perhaps because of his reanimated state that few students actually know about), but these properties were actually engineered by the alumni so they could have a little fun with him. Getting disgruntled with dealing with a smelly, decomposing dead man every week, they do this so they can enjoy throwing random objects at him such as toasters or desks while verbally insulting him, getting a kick out of it in the process. Gelfman just thinks he is being commended for his hard work, so he goes about his business just the same.

Gelfman actually died on March 18, 1925, in the teacher’s lounge after 3 simultaneous and consecutive heart attacks and aneurisms while eating a 7-pound burrito, but to this day is legally missing according to the U.S. government and the rest of his family. His wife and children still to this day do not know of his whereabouts, and continue to harass the police daily, even though they are currently deceased (someone must have built telephones into their coffins by mistake)

In Gelfman’s minute amount of free time, he enjoys eating at Friend House, visiting the only other undead employee in NYC: Frankenstein. However, most visits there result in mortal damage to Gelfman’s body, being that he cannot hear Frankenstein when he mutters the word “Friend”, so he constantly asks “What?” until Frankenstein gets pissed and crushes his skull and drops him in front of a moving subway car.

Gelfman also has a second job on occasion, usually during the Halloween season where he receives countless offers to work at Halloween stores as an undead greeter for 40 cents an hour. Being completely oblivious, Gelfman usually takes one of these jobs and winds up scaring away all of his customers when half of the flesh from his face falls off and gets caught in an elderly woman’s hair, who beats him relentlessly with her purse. Afterwards he is shot, raped, and beaten brutally by the store’s owners and employees for driving the entire store out of business and forcing them all into poverty. All the while, oblivious Gelfman misperceives the situation, thinking that he is actually being commended for his excellent teaching and knowledge in the field of Physics. After getting a few limbs shot off, he is left in a gutter somewhere in the east side of Harlem for the other professors to fetch and reanimate him before class the next day while the entire time listening to the constant droning of Gelfman shouting “WHAT??”



Theory #34
The Jurassic Staten Island Ride
By Tom and Vin


In order to attract additional helpless insignificant customers, the evil conglomerate of Six Flags recently installed a new ride. An upgrade of its old Jurassic Park ancestor, which featured a horrendous movie in 3-D while your seat moves randomly moves up and down instead of with the movie, and your legs are crushed by the floor when the seat dips too low and widespread chaos ensues... well anyway the new ride boasts an even wilder and completely idiotic experience. This ride, entitled Jurassic Park 25.98898.999.8898.9: Death To Staten Island, includes the hoarding of thousands of unsuspecting people onto a scaled-down replica of Staten Island. The entire ride consists of the raising of the island 3 miles vertically, then at the peak, a cheesy dinosaur “roar” goes off, immediately followed by the freefall of the island. Being that there are no seats, people go flying off in all directions, and only about 2 or 3 people manage to survive. Rampant death ensues, especially when the landmass drops on the idiots waiting on line to ride “The Viper”, the worst roller coaster ever. Every 15 minutes the ride is rebuilt, and new employees are hired to usher the people onto the next ride. Although extremely deadly and utterly pointless, people still wait on 78 hour lines in the face of certain death (even with large signs stating that the ride is fatal) for the sole purpose of it being on yet another Jurassic Park ride.



Theory #35
Loaf Windu
By Vin and Tom


Coming sooner or later....



Theory #36
The 4th Dimension
By Mike and Vin


The 4th dimension does not exist. If professors or anyone in particular even mention the word around Vin, his head will instantly explode. There is absolutely no way he will ever be able to comprehend it, even if he spends the rest of his life reading Advanced Calculus textbooks. Vin was once introduced to a 4-D Rubik cube on a website. 0.0009989898.99.8 seconds after the website finished loading, Vin spontaneously combusted with the force of 9898988.99.889.989.9 pounds of dynamite, destroying all of Cooper Union and the surrounding area of Manhattan.

Mathematicians claim there are 5th, 6th, 7th, and even 8th and 9th dimensions. If any of these dimensions are spoken about within a 5-mile radius of Vin, the Universe will instantaneously come to an end. Next semsester, Vin has to learn about the 4th dimension in Vector Calculus. Vin must drink 75 bottles of everclear before each class so he can avert the complete destruction of Manhattan. In fact, by writing this theory, Vin demolished 98.98989.9% of Hicksville, and continues to explode 999999.88.998.9 times simultaneously and consecutively.



Theory #37
The Orgasmic Mana Sorceress
By Laura and Vin


In the bastard conglomerate Blizzard’s Diablo 2, the popular Sorceress character was designed with an annoying voice that whines that she needs mana when she runs out, and never shuts the fuck up, stupid bitch, I’m gonna slit her fucking throat and rape her in the ass and... oh sorry, ranting again. So anyway, Blizzard put out a recent expansion update featuring 5 brand new characters, including the Mime, the White-man-do Barbarian, Birdman (the guy who kicked Wesley Willis’s ass), Mike Chester (who attacks with deadly rhetorical questions), and the highly raved-about Orgasmic Mana Sorceress.

This new character, added in response to 98999989.989.9 complaints (mainly filed by me and Laura), does not use mana potions or regenerate her mana. Instead, she uses her staff or wand or stave or whatever she is holding to masturbate violently and profusely, resulting in massive orgasms that produce huge amounts of magical cum that can be used by the Sorceress directly as a source of super-powerful mana. Even though this new method is horribly disgusting and inappropriate, and besides the fact that millions of young perverted children are buying Diablo 2 just to watch this disturbing site, Blizzard retorts, simply stating “Well, you don’t have to listen to the annoying bitch whine anymore, so shut the fuck up asshole!”



Theory #38
Dolphin Discovery Del Muerte
By Vin, Mike, and Lloyd


Even worse than the Jurassic Park: Death to Staten Island ride, Six Flags features an attraction called Dolphin Discovery, a pointless spectacle of beached dolphins in the middle of a room being brutally beaten by angry underpaid employees or disgruntled customers who were crippled by the Viper. These dolphins have no place being in New Jersey, and therefore have to be imported yearly from Florida via minivan (Ford Windstar preferably) or Tuvix 2-sided car. Nobody in New Jersey cares about dolphins, because they have absolutely no purpose in being so far up north. Therefore, the Dolphin Discovery attraction draws about seven customers daily, 3 of whom die of severe boredom poisoning, 3 more poor bastards who come to steal the fish that the dolphins eat, and one sick bastard who visits every day to rape dolphins in the back room.

The name for Dolphin Discovery is based on the fact that if a customer discovers the dolphin rapist in the back room (he resides in there 28.9898.9 hours per day, continuing his raping until the dolphin dies, when he lugs a new one to the back room and employees wonder why they always gotta import 58 more dolphins every day, completely devastating the attraction’s budget and making it completely non-profitable... anyway, back to the theory), the customer will instantly spontaneously combust from the gruesome sight. These pieces of bodies from the dead customers are scavenged up by random employees and used not to feed dolphins, as one would think, but used in the Jurassic Park ride by sticking random legs and small intestines in the mouths of dinosaurs next to the line for the exhibit. They are also used by being dropped on people during the ride form the ceiling, even though it has nothing to do with the ride. Occasionally the dolphin rapist is blessed with a new functional penis from an exploding corpse to replace his current worn-out, flaccid, bleeding piece-of-shit he was using in the first place.

So when the park closes for the winter, the dolphins obviously die from the cold weather because they are just left to die when the employees leave. When the park re-opens in the Spring, the employees return to decomposing dolphins and piles of feces, accompanied by the sick bastard rapist who is still going at it, even though he hasn’t eaten in 5 months. So the employees gotta lug the dolphins out in big garbage bags and throw them in the dumpster out in the parking lot. Usually they are lazy and do it sometime in June, after customers begin to complain of rotten dolphin corpses sitting in the middle of the arena… not because of the horrid smell or poor entertainment value, but because it’s a pain in the ass when your baseball bat gets stuck in the rotting arse of the decomposing dolphin and it takes you 15 minutes to wrench it loose. It takes about 10 employees to lug each dolphin out, which always fall out of the bag because it’s a shitty hefty plastic garbage bag that breaks at the application of 0.9898.99 grams of pressure per square foot, so the dolphin spews out all over the main gate and scares away millions of customers and scars 3 year-old girls for life. Sometimes the employees get lazy and bury the corpses next to the DDR machine in the arcade, where people accidentally make bad dance steps off the pad and fall into a poorly-dug hole of 5 year-old dolphin guts and bones, which is another reason the ride is named “Dolphin Discovery”.

Apparently Six Flags is poised to release several new similar attractions, some of which include Panda Discovery, elephant Discovery, Flesh-Eating Bacteria Discovery, and the highly controversial Huge-Pile-of-Vomit Discovery. Even though the park will lose billions on these horrible rides and attractions, the entire deficit is made up with the sale of one ridiculously overpriced soda at the concession stand. If someone miraculously busy a cheeseburger, the park makes a 989899.998.8% profit and invests in 7 more rides and attractions... but this only happens once every 10 years.



Theory #39
Turkish Names
By Brian and Vin


Turkish people always have the strangest names possible, from Kenan to Tenkien to Ergen to Oghazun to Shazbot (well actually I made up the last one). This is because the Turkish have no traditional names, and no name is ever used twice. Every time a baby is born, the family eat a bowl of Alphabet Soup, and whatever jumble of letters come about is what the child is named. Sometimes if the family is poor, lazy, or just bored of the usual naming process, they go out on a limb and buy a box of Alpha-Bits cereal instead, which is a terrible idea because the company is extremely cheap and only provides the letters least-commonly used in the English language… including the letters x, z, q, j, v, and k. This results in kids with names like Zjvkvvvx, or Jkkzjvqz. This also creates a stereotype of poor Turks with vowel-less names.



Theory #40
Dracula
By Tom and Vin


Dracula is a giant bear who eats bees out of the air and sleeps in a gigantic bear coffin. He lives in a quasar with his best unliving (not undead) friend, the guy from Weekend at Bernie’s. Dracula’s favorite mode of transportation is a land shark, fully equipped with headlights for night driving, a GPS system in the rear seat, and a sidecar which is actually a rolling chair on which Frankenstein rides and moans stoically.
Dracula is also a master luge champion, as he is almost always stuck in that position and can be thrown feetfirst or headfirst into the luge with maximum efficiency of momentum (hes a gigantic freakin bear). Dracula’s major talents include mamboing, driving Ms. Daisy to keg parties, and arranging classical overtures for string quartets (four pieces of string lying on the floor with Bernie randomly stepping on them). One of his favorite battle skills is to forcefully eject all of his hair directly at his opponent, completely covering them while extremely aggravated allergies ensue. His primary weakness is planinum-tipped high velocity snow cones being shot into his pelvis, causing him to require prosthetic surgery and lose his mansion to pay the medical bills.
Of course Dracula loves to suck blood from humans. He not only drains the victim dry, but proceeds to squeeze the dry corpse with his bear hug, causing the victim’s head to go flying upward at 988988.989.9998.8 miles per second. However, if the head reaches the sun, a crazy chemical reaction occurs which shoots a single beam of light at Dracula, giving him instant testicular cancer. However, due to Dracula’s immortality, he never dies of the cancer but rather his genitals grow larger and larger until they must be drained and sold as an exquisite dessert to the British royal family.
Dracula generates his own electricity by violently revolving in his coffin at relativistic speeds induced not by the quasar he lives in, but due to the immeasurable uncomfortablilty of his coffin, and is always trying to shift his position with constantly increasing effort. This leaves him very tired when not in his coffin, so during battles, Frankenstein uses Dracula as a blunt weapon to strike down his enemies. While being swung, Dracula does not move his arms from his side but only makes cheesy lightsaber sounds and occasionally vomits from vertigo. Most commonfolk become bewildered and succumb to instant defeat, not because they are being attacked by a huge oaf wielding a 40-foot bear, but because they are too intimidated by what they perceive to be a lightsaber. Dracula’s Arch-nemesis is none other than Flavor-Flav, the washed up early 90’s rap artist that nobody really knows anything about. So little is known about him that Dracula’s only motive for conflict is to see how Flavor-Flav tastes, cause all hes ever had to eat his entire goddamn life is bees.
Lately the US government has offered Dracula a job as a wildlife refuge animal blood donor awareness representative. Reluctantly taking the position, Dracula stars in mind-numbing commercials urging exotic pet owners to offer their pets for blood donations, of course performed solely by Dracula and his trusty blood bucket.



Some Random Ideas, not really theories


1) If a stock broker had a mental breakdown, he would be a broken broker!
2) If you took the oat out of oatmeal, would it be called Meal?
3) If I had a dollar for ever dollar I spent, id have all my money back.
4) If there were no such thing as a hoe, what would we call Vin?
5) Does light beer weigh less than regular Beer?Then is there heavy beer such as Bud Heavy? Or what about dry beer, such as Bud Dry? Is there also Bud Wet? Is there absolutely any difference at all?
6) Could you have dandruff if you were bald? If you could, what the hell would it look like?
7) They call you claustrophobic if you fear closed places. So what if you prefer closed places over open places. Then are you anticlaustrophobic?
8) If George of the Jungle was abandoned in a bathroom instead of a Jungle, would he be George of the Bathroom?
9) If the Flintstones lived in a Gallbladder instead of Bedrock, would they be the Gallstones? Or better yet, if they lived in the kidneys, would they be the Kidneystones?



The Top 20 TV Shows of All Time
Rated by Vin, Shawn, Glen, Brian, and Bob
Rated R


1) The Simpsons
2) Upright Citizens Brigade
3) Tom Green (well not anymore, its 2001 and hes terrible)
4) The Critic
5) The Family Guy
6) Kids in the Hall
7) The A-Team
8) The State
9) Monty Python’s Flying Circus
10) Bugs Bunny Cartoons
11) Ren + Stimpy
12) The Drew Carrey Show
13) The Daily Show (better with Kregors)
14) Celebrity Deathmatch
15) The Tick
16) The Howard Stern Show
17) Who’s Line Is It Anyway? (Never version, or old without British guys)
18) Married With Children
19) Who Wants To Be a Millionare (fun to see them lose on the first question)
20) Dragonball Z (so goddamn ridiculous its hilarious)
1000000000) Seinfeld



Some Cool Ideas for Band Names


1) Turbo-Anus
2) CrotchLobster
3) Ass-47
4) High-Maintainance Nipples






Thats about it for now, check in some other time if you want to lose a few IQ points off the top of your filthy head.

By the way, if anything is offensive to you, please dont sue me.... i have no money.

Nestacos
3-D PONG!
Homestar Runner