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In the beginning there was a handsome Spanish lad - well, drop-dead gorgeous and achingly sexy is more like it. On a chilly day in late January, 1968, this meltingly handsome slab of swarthy, pulsating masculinity came into the world, son of the then Prince and Princess of Spain. As the youngest of three beautiful children AND the only son, this angelic-looking, blue- eyed darling's destiny was already decided for him. He was to inherit the throne of Spain. And some kick-ass jewels as well. Not a bad bargain if you ask me. Naturally, the years passed by, as they are wont to do and this sweet little prince grew into a tall, throbbing, gorgeous man who probably smells fantastic. Like the rest of us, his attention turned to the opposite sex as he grew older; a reasonable happenstance when hormones start doing their merry little jig and the boys and girls who possessed cooties scant months before start looking pretty damn good. And, judging by the list we are about to analyse, this prince not only discovered the opposite sex with a vengeance but that some members are better looking than others. Yes, yes, I know some of us beg to differ when it comes to certain ladies but as they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. And though I suspect some of us feel as though the beholder in question is in need of bi-focals I shall forge ahead and list the names and circumstances of the many loves, factual and fictitious, of our prince.

I begin the list with Prince Felipe's first ladylove, Isabel Sartorious. Now, if I remember rightly, these two kiddies met around 1989. Isa is the daughter of Vicente Sartorius, a nobleman whose title escapes me at the moment. Blue blood. Not a bad way to start, eh? According to reports, Felipe fell hard and fast and adored this girl, who, according to other reports shat on him in a most ignominious fashion. But, loyal and loving, Felipe stuck by her for a few years until circumstances forced their break-up. Isa then buggered off to London whilst Felipe hit American shores to attend Georgetown University. Despite the break-up the press still found the time to gleefully report that Isa was expecting a baby and that the child was the fruit of Felipe's loins. This is where it gets dicey. Upon discovery of the pregnancy, Isa's stepmother, Nora of Liechtenstein, supposedly got on the horn to Zarzuela and chewed the fat with Sofia. Sofia was reported to have told Nora that Isa's pregnancy was their problem, not that of the Borbon family. And if that wasn't interesting enough, in the meantime Isabel supposedly married Javier Soto, a friend of her and Felipe's, in London. The tabs have said that noone ever found proof of the marriage: no marriage certificate, nothing. (But according to someone in the know, there is actually proof that they were married in a civil ceremony in London and that the records office is open to the public.) Isabel returned to Madrid and gave birth to her beautiful daughter, Mencia, on July 27, 1997 - in the Zarzuela Clinic. (Hmmmmmm…..) Two days after Mencia's birth, Javier and Isabel "split up". Now, if the circumstances surrounding Javier and Isa's marriage weren't considered strange enough, Isa failed to report Mencia's birth to some court or tribunal or whatever, for MONTHS and MONTHS. Because of her failure to do so, it was as if the baby didn't exist in the eyes of the law until her birth was recorded. Some wonder if this was due to the doubts concerning Mencia's paternity. Noone knew for certain if she was Javier or Felipe's baby, plus she was the spitting image of Isabel to boot. There is still speculation though the frenzy has died down. It is said that Felipe and Isa are no longer friends but it is evident that she and Javier have remained close. Close enough, in fact, to have gotten reengaged though their December, 2001, wedding has been postponed due to serious illness in Isabel's family. Since Mencia's birth, Isa appears to have undergone a transformation. She looks wonderful and happy and I want to borrow that green dress that she wore to some dinner earlier this year.

Giselle“Gigi” Howard. The lovely Miss Howard, a Georgia Peach, hailed from the Statesborough area and was in New York City studying Child Psychology, not a field for lightweights, if you ask me. As a chum of the former Marie-Chantal Miller (now Marie-Chantal of Greece), she was introduced to Felipe in, like, 1992 or '93. Something like that. Gigi and Felipe appeared to get along fairly well and ended up vacationing (and being photographed playing in the drink) in St. Maarten in 1995. Naturally, this caused the proverbial shit to hit the fan over in Espana, especially when photographs of Miss Howard's former modeling days hit the tabloids and all of the Iberian Peninsula got a glimpse of what she looked like in a leopard print swimsuit. Some say Felipe's mother was the force behind these photos making it into the tabs but only Her Majesty knows for sure. (Her Majesty is also alleged to have taken a secret trip to New York to inform Miss Howard that she hadn't a snowball's chance in hell of marrying Felipe.) And if this wasn't bad enough, a Spanish photographer was discovered to have placed a wiretap on Miss Howard's telephone. More shit in the fan. A criminal investigation and court case ensued and Miss Howard conducted herself in a rather irreproachable fashion. Out of the goodness of her heart she pleaded with the court not to send the photographer to the pokey. Unfortunately for our shutterbug, her pleas were ignored and he spent some time making license plates on Rikers Island. Sucks. Gentle reader, it is this author's humble opinion that Miss Howard was one of the prettiest and classiest candidates for future Queen of Spain. She kept her mouth shut, kept her family quiet and behaved in a terribly discreet manner. She may have done some swimsuit modelling but her ta-ta's remained in her shirt. It's been nearly 7 years and she still hasn't blabbed. Epoca treated her like crap. She got a raw deal. I hope she wins the lottery.

After the court case, (before which Felipe buggered off to Spain) Miss Howard disappeared from the greasy world of the tabs, into which she was literally thrown. Things seemed to get quiet except for the occasional girl thrown into the sticky position of "possible fiancée" by the tabs. These were usually noblewomen, of whom I will speak in a few moments. After about a year of relative tranquillity, a new candidate slithered into the picture……..

1997 proved to be a year unlike any other. It started out in as common a fashion as previous years but with the tragic death of Diana, Princess of Wales on August 31, shock and sorrow made it painfully memorable. It was in the fall of this year, on October 9, that Felipe schlepped on over to some Mexican restaurant to get some grub and have a laugh with a few friends. Can you guess who was also there getting her din-din? Yep. It was none other than Eva Sannum, Norwegian model and burr under the saddle of all Felipe-loving women everywhere. They say the attraction between these two was instant and white-hot. It must have been because they managed to stay joined at the hip for over 4 years. Few people outside their charmed circle had any bloody idea what was going on with them. Some said that they were close to entering into the wedded state while other swore up and down that they were just doing the Mattress Mambo. But Zarzuela (i.e. Juan Carlos) wasn’t happy. Staunch royalists weren’t happy. Scores of Spanish citizens were nauseated. The tabloids were happier than pigs in shit however because they finally something to do. Anyway, every few weeks or months, the tabs got quiet and declared that they had broken up but then they would go on vacation and everything would turn into the proverbial powder keg once again. In four years time, we have seen the photo collections of their happy jaunts to places like India (1999), St. Moritz (Feb. 2001), Paris (May 2001…ON MY BIRTHDAY, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!), as well as the romantic afternoon they spent in that cheap-ass motel in Oslo in October of 1999. And we were well aware of the explosion created on August 25, 2001 when Eva turned up at Haakon and Mette-Maritt's wedding in that "dress". It had been said that Juan Carlos was about to relent and allow them to marry until he saw her wearing that bright blue cocktail napkin and a shit-eating grin. Some press sources labelled it “El Escote del Fin”(which I personally found hysterically funny; “the neckline that ended it” I believe is the translation…funny stuff!) and it all went downhill from there. In the following months the press got wind that the relationship might be cooling off. They hadn’t been seen in one another’s presence since the Norwegian Royal Wedding and this led to the speculation that the affair was on its last legs. Finally, on December 14, 2001, Felipe himself confirmed that they were through. A number of legitimate and respected journalists were at Zarzuela attending an annual Christmas press reception at the invitation of Juan Carlos. In the midst of the festivities, Felipe entered the room, seated himself and began conversing with those assembled. After answering questions about his new home he announced that his relationship with Eva Sannum had petered out. By mutual agreement, they parted amicably, deciding to go their separate ways. Felipe declared that they would remain friends and that he would always care about her. It was at that moment that millions of women in every corner of the world took off their tops and broke out the bubbly in a Jerry Springer/“Girls Gone Wild” bacchanalia. I know I did. As hangovers dissipated, details began to emerge in the press. It seems that until October 2001, Felipe was still planning on marrying Eva. Rumours had her contacting designers like Lagerfeld for her wedding dress, taking lessons in Roman Catholicism and learning the histories of Spain and the Borbon dynasty. However, a number of factors dissuaded him; mainly pressure from his father, from the Spanish president, Jose Maria Aznar and royalists. It also came out that world events at the time were a factor - namely the aftermath of what 20 sons of bitches did in New York, Washington D.C. and Pennsylvania on September 11, 2001. Life around the world was unstable, Americans were out for blood and everyone knew it. After approximately one week of headlines and gossip things calmed down remarkably. Eva was still hounded a bit in Oslo despite the fact that she was out of the running. Many people were indignant when she lost her temper and called a pack of Spanish tabloid reporters “idiots” (she was merely confirming a well-known fact.). After about a month of relative peace, Eva made tabloid headlines again when it was rumoured that she was dating rock star Christian Ingebrigsten of the band A1. HOLA experienced momentary incontinence and put her on their cover with “Christian” when she visited Barcelona in late January. However, it was made evident that her alleged boyfriend was her boss; Eva and some co-workers were in BCN on assignment for their PR firm. Nothing more. Since then, the tabs have been a relatively Sannum-free zone but I’m sure the minute she sneezes we’ll hear about it.

And now we come to the list of Candidates who were made so by the press and who didn't even come close to the doorway of the Palacio del Oriente, which is odious considering the fact that, the majority of these ladies are either nobility or royalty. I shall begin with the lovely and elegant Archduchess Catharina of Austria. She was a direct descendent of one of the Austrian emperors for God's sake. She was accomplished. She was discreet. She was distinguished and hardworking. "Cati" and Felipe were good friends but that was it. She eventually ended up marrying some cute Italian, Conte Massimiliano Secco d'Aragona in '99 and they now have a child, Constantino and Catharina is expecting another baby in January or February 2002.

Another lady was the lovely Princess Tatjana von und zu Liechtenstein who was in Madrid studying. She and Felipe met but nothing happened. She is on record as having said that she didn't like him. Some declare this to be sour grapes. At any rate, in 1999 she married one Philip von Lattdorf and they are now the proud parents of a small son.

Then there was Felipe's cousin, the pretty Princess Victoria of Bourbon-Two Sicilies. But Felipe is on record as having said that they're more like brother and sister. I think it is safe to say that they will never marry. In one way that's good because, come on! They're cousins! This isn't Hee-Haw! But on the other hand she would make an excellent queen because she knows the ropes and other than the fact that she is supposed to have a vocabulary that would make a trucker blush with shame, I'm sure she has a good sense of propriety in public and would know how to get the job done.

And who could forget Countess Caroline von Waldburg-Wolfegg-Waldsee, a German countess, who was studying Journalism in Madrid back in '97. She and Felipe are reported to be damn good friends but naturally, the tabs had a hemmy and declared that she was going to be his wife. Poor girl had a few bad months and then she went back to Germany where she later got engaged and married some dude whose name I do not know. Felipe went to the wedding.

Princess Adelaide d'Orléans was another candidate. God knows when the tabloids put her through hell but put through she was. She works for Christian Dior, which must be wonderful and she is on record as having alluded to the fact that she wouldn't be averse to marrying Felipe, which probably contributed to the hassle she got at the hands of the press. She too is lovely, discreet, elegant, hardworking, blue-blooded, and like the others, Felipe hasn't dated her. Too bad because she would look great on his arm at the Teatro Real.

Yet another cousin of Felipe's is on the list and she is Nataly Princess of Prussia. I have no idea about her. They say he has never even considered her. She too is pretty and athletic but I shall say nothing more because I know even less.

Finally, we come to the others. Princess Carolina de Bourbon de Parme was made miserable by none other than Karmele Marchante in late July 2000. Supposedly she and Felipe were pretty close to making an announcement but of course it was all bullshit. For weeks, we all waited for the juicy photo spread that was supposed to come out in Pronto but that never happened. I guess you can't have a juicy spread when you don't have the pictures to go in it. Lady Gabriella Windsor, was mentioned briefly as was the stunning Princess Madeleine of Sweden. Now, that would be a good match and I'm KNOW that there are people who dream of that at night. In fact, the well-respected (ha!) writers of the tabs have already been dreaming about this. In the latest issue of Lecturas, young Madeleine has already been designated as Felipe’s next real girlfriend/fiancée. It’s nice to see that etiquette hasn’t died altogether and that they’re waiting a respectful 3 minutes for the poor man to get over his 4-year relationship with La Sannum. 2:59…2:58….2:57….2:56….. Gabriela de Sebastian de Erice received honourable mention back in June of '99. She is the daughter of the Spanish ambassador to Germany but as usual, nothing happened. It was during this same time in '99 that some blonde model named Bianca was photographed leaving a Madrid restaurant with Felipe. The tabs peed themselves and thought at first that she was Gabs de Erice but it was not. Things calmed down until Alice, the Czech waitress hoved into view in either July or August of that same year. They were reported to have whooped it up aboard the Bribon in Mallorca with Luis Alfonso de Borbon and after that nothing more was heard of this pretty girl.

Lest I forget, I feel the need to make mention of Fleur de Wurttemburg. I believe that her mother may have come from the Orleans line but don't quote me on that. Fleur was pushed into the limelight in the mid-90's and, according to some sources, was not happy about it. I recall reading an interview in a January '98 edition of either Semana or Lecturas wherein her mother refuted the gossip and said that she and Juan Carlos (who, evidently is a pal) have joked that when Felipe produces a viable fiancée she and JC would down an entire bottle of champagne to celebrate. A genius I know once said that Fleur bore a striking resemblance to Roseanne but I think that there is little chance of any of us seeing her screech a national anthem at a sporting event and then grab her nether regions and spit. Thank God.

I also must touch upon two Bavarian ladies who were suggested as candidates a couple of years ago. I regret to inform you all that my knowledge of them is scanty at best but I believe they are princesses, sisters and one is named Helena. They're awfully pretty (when have the tabs ever put forth a homely lady?) and come from une trés bonne famille but man, were they YOUNG! I think at the time the eldest must have been in her early 20's. That's young to become engaged. If one possesses the requisite maturity to handle marriage at that young an age, no problem - but you must understand that this is from the viewpoint of someone who still acts as though she is three years old and can barely handle tying her own shoes much less tolerate a fiancé.

Martha-Louise, Princess of Norway and elder sister of Crown Prince Haakon was considered viable. She was (and still is) very pretty and sporty and fun. All she had to do was convert to Roman Catholicism and bob's your uncle, Felipe would have had himself a wifey-poo. Didn't happen. Probably won't. She recently became engaged to Norwegian writer, Ari Behn. She has had a bit of scandal in her background as well. Evidently, she was named as the other party in some guy's divorce and this Ari character is supposed to have been seen smoking a “J” on videotape or some sort of nefarious deed. But, again, don't quote me on that.

Sometime earlier in 2001 an unknown scheister reported to Diez Minutos and Que Me Dices (two prime examples of excellent toilet paper) that Eva Sannum was just a smokescreen for some blonde model from Sevilla. Damned if I can recall her name just now but her grandfather is titled and so is she. She's cute and model-like: tall and really thin. But it was all b.s. Her mother was not a happy camper and vociferously denied the rumours. Go mom!

Let us not forget Sol Bohorquez, a model and big rumour, and a few others whose names also escape me, much to my eternal shame. One was a Mexican heiress and quite lovely but alas, married another man. For a time, the press touched upon his distant cousins, Pilar de Orleans and Esmeralda Macciotti, the latter hailing from Italy. Sophie Ullens de Schooten, a Belgian aristocrat and cousin of King Harald of Norway also enjoyed a short candidacy during and shortly after the "Love Boat" cruise put on during the joint 60th birthday party of Herald and Sonia of Norway in June of 1997. The newest lady to ascend to the lofty rank of Candidate is Flor Valera de Perez-Jimenez. She is (surprise!) another bleach blonde but is astonishingly un-bimbo like. She was pushed out into no man’s land about a month ago as an ex-dictator’s granddaughter with whom Felipe had been seen out on the town several times. Flor is 25, a psychologist and rather chic. Discreet too. She and Felipe apparently met on Mallorca in the summer of 2001. The fact that they were hanging out at the same time in a group of mutual friends made the press wet the bed. Unfortunately for Felipe, this elegant creature took the bull by the horns and wrote a no-nonsense letter to El Mundo unequivocally stating that she and Felipe are NOT dating. Her letter could help explain the resurgence of the Maria-Carolina gossip. One thing we can say for the tabloids is that they bring some variety to Felipe's love life. From Isa to Gigi to 4 years of Eva, it’s been an interesting ride. God knows to whom he'll end up married. I know that many of you want a combination of Rania of Jordan (who kicks ass) and Mathilde of Belgium (who also rules). It would be wonderful to see a lovely, elegant, classy, intelligent, decent, loving and hardworking woman on the throne next to Felipe; someone with as many good qualities as the ever groovy, ever radiant Queen Sofia and her gorgeous daughters, the Infantas Elena and Cristina, who, by the way, looks dynamite these days. Hopefully, he'll be happy, whatever his choice and that everyone concerned will also be satisfied.

Written by Annie S.