I heard that Danzig was originally supposed to play Wolverine in this crappy film. I would have went to the theater to see it if he actually was in it. Nothing good came from this, not one thing. A waste of eye time and my gullet made lots of gurgle sounds cause I was in fear of vomiting from the nasty bitch who played “Storm” (I fucking hate her!) This is AHS’s most hated film due to the fact that Danzig could have been in it but the butt fuckers that made it wouldn’t wait for him to get out of his tour. Even thought the dialog sucked monkey sack, Danzig would have been a saving quality.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig is buffer than everyone in this movie

Erin Brokavitch
AHS Title: PG&E All The Way

First off, I’ll quote Satans Girl, “Surprise, surprise, Julia Roberts plays a whore again…”. I can’t believe people thought this movie was good! A whore who can’t keep dick out of her ass cries to everyone possible in order to get a job. When did it become societies job to make sure the slutty bitches that don’t get educations and keep pumping out wastes of air get helped? Fuck that bitch and kill her children. Yeah, so she sued PG&E, big fucking deal, Danzig has a song called “How the gods kill”! Danzig wouldn’t make Erin B. a woman cause she’s too fucking retarded and it’s illegal to fuck 'tards.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig told me your mom can suck a bowling ball through a garden hose

Dude Where's My Car?
AHS Title: Dude Fuck Your Car

This movie just sucked ass. Shitty acting, shitty people, shitty plot, shitty to think people watch this garbage and laugh. I sat threw this piece of shit with my brother and had the worst fronks face ever, not one smile came from my face. I don’t think Danzig would like this movie. However, there are some chicks in tight black outfits that Danzig put his salivating salamander in before, so it’s nice to see what Danzig turns into women.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig made your mom's face look like a toaster struddle

Blade 2
AHS Title: Only Danzig Can Punch Pussy Ass Vampires

Over careful consideration, we decided that this movie could have been cool if only Danzig was in it. This movie wasn’t a total waste, but still made us think about how much better it would be if Danzig was Blade, and his name was Danzig instead of Blade. I would have rather not paid to see this, but I didn’t get pissed and fronks face the guy at the counter, so it had to be an “Alright” movie.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig gave this movie 3 forearms made of steel

Clock Stoppers
AHS Title: Cock Gobblers

It’s about time people decided to make this movie, cause I sure as fuck like making fun of it. I just kind of think that people should be shot for making movies like this… why does it happen? Who decides the public would be interested in shit like this? Fuck the people who made this movie, and fuck the ass goblins that though “Black Knight” and “A Knights Tale” were good ideas as well! Oh and, fuck Johnathan (cock sucker) Frakes… he is gay. Oh, and Danzig made some of the brods in this movie women.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig hates you

13 Ghosts
AHS Title: 13 Reasons why Danzig wants Hollywood burned

I can remember a time when scary movies were actually interesting and good. What ever happened to the 80’s horror films where you laughed so much that you spit your beer up? This movie made Danzig want to hit everyone in the theater, and I agree with him I had the same gut feeling. Fuck this shitty movie, and fuck the people who made it… Danzig is buff. BUT! I must stress that this poopy unbuff movie did have that hot bitch from American Pie and she gets cut up and shit… that was pretty buff.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danm, don’t you listen when I say Danzig is buff?!

Meet the Parents
AHS Title: Danzig And De Neiro

Personally this movie made me nearly shit my pants and fronks face every person who interrupted me while I was crying with laughter. I only have one pet peeve with this flick; Danzig should have played the role that Stiller played. I just think it would have been more interesting if Danzig and De Neiro got into a fight and De Neiro (as much as I like him) would get the shit smashed out of him due to Danzig being inhumanly buff. Then, with De Neiro out of the way, Danzig could make: the mom, the daughter, and sister all women at once while AHS members root and cheer him on in his woman making process. Can you begin to see why I liked this movie? This movie had a great start for what Danzig could turn into a gold mine.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig is super buff, don’t you ever forget it butt fucker

The Scorpion King
AHS Title: Danzig Says, ‘Rock rhymes with Cock, cause he sucks Cock’

This is the most despicable movie to hit the theaters since “Purple Rain”. I haven’t seen this awful film and would shoot myself before I was cursed with being force to view it. The Rock is a retarded overgrown midget that may have fallen victim to a priest’s pee-pee touching in the past. It would be very unbuff like to consider this movie anything but a waste of money, time, and though patterns. Danzig spits on “The Rock” and would throw rocks at the rock cause he has such a gay name. Fuck “The Rock” and fuck the overbearing homosexual tendencies of this movie… as for you “Rock”, Danzig is buffer than you and is fucking your mom, sister, and wife at the same time as you read this. However, I hear there’s a hot chick in it that Danzig made into a woman.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig thinks this movie sucks elephant dick

Girl Interrupted
AHS Title: Fuckin' A, I Hate Angelina Jolie!

Man, if I have to sit through one more shitty movie with that retarded bitch I’m gonna shoot up Columbine just cause it seems like the thing to do. Damn, she has the most Down syndrome like face I have ever seen, and you should all join “The Cult to Murder Angelina Jolie” with me so you can follow me to her house and brutally murder her fucked up lips. Did I mention, who cares about Tomb Raider but loser dorks that play too many shitty video games.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig would rather be curling a wheelchair

Black Knight
AHS Title: Shitty Shitty Bang Bang

Okay, okay, say what you want about Martin Lawrence, but no matter how you bake the bread, it’ll taste like cat shit. This plot eluded me so much… why was a black man in Medieval Europe? I thought they never saw colored folk back then, didn’t anyone find that odd? Besides lame jokes only appealing to simple minded high school drop outs and loser ass fucks who think Martin Lawrence can never make a shitty movie, I consider this a movie to push the depressed over the edge and finally put an end to their pitiful lives. I figure, if we can get all the dramatic depressed teens that shoot up their schools for attendence to watch this movie, they can kill themselves and then we can laugh at how stupid society is for letting this shit hit the silver screen.
Review by: Dynomite

Buffness Ranking: Danzig shit in your burrito, haha, then you ate it, haha, You ate a shit filled burrito that Danzig shit in, haha

Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones
AHS Title: Danzig Is Really Buff

No one from AHS has actually seen this film yet, however, Danzig has. Danzig told us that it was pretty buff in most respects only he wished Luke was in it and he should play Luke. Also, Danzig wants us to petition George Lucas to see if it’s possible for Luke to be taken out of the old films and digitally install Danzig instead. He was also saying that he wanted Han Solo’s role as well. I can’t argue with the buff one, so I shall begin the petition soon. Danzig even threw around concepts of Episode III being a one-man act portrayed by Danzig, while the female roles will all be done by Wynonna Rider. All of the light sabers will be gone, and Danzig will just sing songs from “666 Satan’s Child”, “Lucifuge”, and “How the Gods Kill”. Danzig spoke of possibly getting Chuck Biscuits to play the Emperor, but I don’t know how Chuck feels about it.
By: Dynomite