A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says "Ok, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says "You can't handle all these chickens....look at what it did to me!"
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."
The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man, so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."
They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM! he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes his head and says "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"
Dear Mom and Dad...
It has been months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don't read any further unless you are sitting down ... OK? Good.
I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught fire, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three headaches a day.
Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory, and my jump, were witnessed by an attendant at a nearby gas station. He was able to call the Fire Department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital, and since I had nowhere to live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to in vite me to share his apartment with him.
It's really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married. We haven't set the exact date yet, but I'm sure it will be before I start to show.
Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child.
The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection, which prevents us from passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up, thanks to my daily penicillin injections. I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms.
He is kind, and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Also, he is of a different race and religion than ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won't mind. I am sure you will love him as I do.
His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important gun-runner for a well known political faction in his native town, though I am not sure if he is a Democrat or Republican -- but I promise to check.
I guess that's it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know...
There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.
However, I am getting a "D" in History and an "F" in Science, and I wanted you to see these marks in their proper perspective.
Your loving daughter.
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor,"Doctor,I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.
The lines of those entering heaven were becoming inappropriately long, so it was decided to allow those people who'd really had a bad day on the day they died, to get in a special line. Three men immediately moved into this line. St. Peter said to the first man, "so tell me about your 'bad day' on the day you died".
One day in Ireland a man is playing when he hits the ball into the trees. He went looking for it, found a little guy with a bump on his head and a golf ball next to him.
In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, an English woman was planning a trip to Germany. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC. In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for water closet. She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring into the location of the nearest WC.
An illness killed all the boar hogs at Zeek's pig farm, leaving only females. So he went looking for someone near by that had at least on boar left.
Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent.
the 100 year old man was having a big birthday party at his nursing home. A TV crew was there to interview the man on this special day.
An elderly widow and widower were dating for about five years, man finally decided to ask her to marry. She immediately said "yes". There must have been automobiles in Biblical times, since the three wise men used a Honda, the bible reads, "They all arrived in one accord".
I wanted to get closer to the stage, noticed the closest seat was next to an older lady, so I sat down. I asked her why she thought this seat was vacate.
Actual bumper stickers found on actual cars:
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than
an ambulance...
A photographic memory, with the lens cover glued on...
It was Saturday morning as Clem, an avid hunter, woke up ready to go bag the first deer of the season. He walks down to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, and to his surprise he finds his wife, Alice, sitting there, fully dressed in camouflage.
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last Oklahoman family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and pullled the chain. We haven't seen them since. The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother. Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had himcremated, he burned for three days. Three of your friends went off a bridge i a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
"My wife and I have the secret to make a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little wine, some good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it
said "concentrate"
The Cleveland Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there is a long passage - about 20 minutes -during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around that whole time looking stupid, some bass players decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!",he said. A Redneck buys a ticket and wins the lottery. He goes to Austin to claim it and the man verifies his ticket number. The Redneck says, "I want my $20 million." You're getting older when:
Veteran Pillsbury Spokes model, Pop-N-Fresh, died yesterday at the age of 72 of a severe yeast infection. Fresh was buried in one of the largest ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
When I'm an old Man, I'll live with each kid, This page and connecting pages: Copyright © 1996-2005 by Jack Leroy Bryson. All rights reserved. This site may be freely linked to but not duplicated in any fashion without my consent.
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep
doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
She replies, "Vegetable stew, for the fourth time".
(ok, not to deep)
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!
If FEDEX and UPS were to merge, would they call it FED UP?
If they arrest the Energizer Bunny, would they charge it with battery?
Everyone has a photographic memory; it's just that some of don't have film.
I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
If a tin whistle is made out of tin, then what is a fog horn made of?
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, why do they say, "Quit while you're ahead"?
What do they call a coffee break at the Lipton Tea Company?
What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Why is the word abbreviation so long?
Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES'S ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.........
The man said, "oh it was awful. I was sure that my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out on the balcony- - - we live on the 25th floor-and found him hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got my hammer, and started hitting his fingers. He fell but landed in some bushes. So I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died".
St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about his day.
"Well sir, it was awful", said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my hands with a hammer. I landed on some bushes, but then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me".
St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died" he said to the third man in line.
"OK, picture this. I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator.....
"Oh! Iam so sorry", the man said. The little guy looked at him and said, "OK, you cought me, Iam a Leprechaun so you can have any three wishes.
Quickly the man said, "Oh! no, Iam just glad you are ok", picked up his ball and walked off.
The Leprechaun thought for a moment and said to himself,
"he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things that I would want". "I'll give him unlimited money, great golf game, and a great sex life."
Well, a year goes past & the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up & hits one into the same woods & goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy &
asks how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, might I ask how
your golf game is?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun. "And might I ask
how your money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a hundred dollar bill" he replied.
The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your sex life is?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says,
"Oh, maybe once or twice a week."
Floored, the leprechaun stammers,"Once or twice a week?"
The golfer looks at him sheepishly & says, "Well, that's not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."
The school master, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a "Wayside Chapel" near the house . . . a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:
Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time!
I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even
the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster
Sure enough 4 miles away was Elmer, a pig farmer with one boar left, so Zeek loaded all his females into his pick up truck and went to see if he and Elmer could make a deal, which they did and all the females were bred.
Knowing that if the female pigs were pregnant, the following morning they would be out in the field eating grass, Zeek went out and saw not one pig eating grass, so he loaded them all up in the pick up and returned to Elmer's place and had them bred again.
Zeek did this for three days in a row and not once did the females eat grass the following morning. On the fourth morning, Zeek asked his wife to go see if the females were eating grass
She came back to bed and said, "Nope, not one is eating grass, they are all in the back of the pick up, except one, she is honking the horn".
From my purchase this chap took off ten percent.
I asked for the cause of a lesser amount;
He answered, "Because of the Seniors Discount."
I went to McDonald's for a burger and fries;
And there, once again, got quite a surprise.
The clerk poured some coffee which he handed to me.
He said, "For you, Seniors, the coffee is free."
Understand---I'm not old---I'm merely mature;
But some things are changing, temporarily, I'm sure.
The newspaper print gets smaller each day,
people speak softer---can't hear what they say.
My teeth are my own (I have the receipt),
my glasses identify people I meet.
I've slowed down a bit...not a lot, I am sure.
You see, I'm not old...I'm only mature.
The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun.
You should see the damage chlorine has done.
Washing my hair has turned it all
Don't call it gray...saying "blonde" is just right.
My car is all paid for...not a nickel is owed.
Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer...get off the road!"
My car has no scratches...not even a dent.
Still I get guff from a punk who's "Hell bent."
My friends all get older...much faster than me.
They seem more wrinkled, from what I can see.
I've got "character lines," not wrinkles...for sure,
But don't call me old...just call me mature.
The steps in the houses they're building today
Are so high they take...your breath away;
And the streets are much steeper than ten years ago.
That should explain why my walking is slow.
I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new,
I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo.
I'm still in the running...in this I'm secure,
I'm not really old...I'm only mature.
Reporter:" Please tell our audience how you managed to live so long".
Old Man: "I don't ever drink, I never smoked, and I stayed away
from wild women".
Just then there was a loud shriek in the hall. the crew turned to
see a nurse run by, followed by an agile looking older man with a foul smelling cigar in one hand, spilling what smelled like whisky from the glass in his other hand. He pauses for a moment, looks at the crowd and lets out a hardy "He, he, HE!" and continues the pursuit.
Reporter:" What was that all about?"
Old Man: "My father gets out of control sometimes".
The next morning when he awoke, he couldn't remember what her answer was! "Was she happy? I think so, wait, no, she looked at me funny..." After about an hour of trying to remember to no avail, he got on the telephone and gave her a call. Embarrassed, he admitted that he didn't remember her answer to the marriage proposal.
"Oh", she said, "I'm so glad you called. I remembered saying 'yes' to someone, but I couldn't remember who it was."
"Oh! she replied, that was my husband's seat for the last ten years, but he died"
"Well why didn't you give the ticket to a friend", I asked.
"Oh!", she said, "they are all at the funeral".
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.
All generalizations are false.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
I brake for no apparent reason.
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart?
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
Forget the Jones', I keep up with the Simpsons.
Born free...Taxed to death.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Rehab is for quitters.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let him sleep.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt--in case heaven is like the IRS..
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
No radio - Already stolen.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Real women don't have hot flashes, they have power surges.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?
Few women admit their age; Fewer men act it.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.
Tell me to 'stuff it' - I'm a taxidermist.
IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Reality? Is that where the pizza delivery guy comes from?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Very funny Scotty, now beam up my clothes.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
I souport publik edekashun.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?
Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
Keep honking...I'm reloading.
Caution: I drive like you do.
"ANT"
There once was a friend, you see,
challenged by an ant colony.
Rembering last year
still had no fear,
filled their stomaches with gluttony.
She scrubbed, not a crumb to be found,
yet at 2AM heard the sound,
a little nuisance ant,
eating just a scant
of food, about 50 lbs.
My friend got a new pet, to eat her.
was no longer going to feed her.
Fast as could be,
Ant Annie could see,
the new pet was a large ant eater.
This little nusence ant named Annie,
grew such a large fannie,
when she ran for the door,
she fell on the floor
busting her now huge cannie.
3 April 1998
There once was a man from Nantucket,
who could eat corn by the bucket.
A mile down a row,
this man would go,
right into his mouth he would shuck it.
25 July 1998
After enjoying original limmericks from another's web site I wrote:
A trip to your site
was greeted with delight.
You write limmericks,
without a gimmick,
a pleasure for my sight.
-BRYSON-
13 Aug 1998
Funny Page
There now is this page on the net,
no tears, saddness or regret.
They are replaced by miles,
of many broad smiles.
Bookmark it now, least you forget.
BRYSON
4 Sep 1998
A flea and a fly in a flue
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, "let us flee!"
"Let us fly!" said the flea.
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.
Dirty Room
Evangelist
Evil's Agent
Desperation
A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code
Here Come Dots
Slot Machines
Cash Lost in 'em
Snooze Alarms
Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness
Genuine Class
The Public Art Galleries
Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point
I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes
That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two
Twelve plus one
Contradiction
Accord not in it
Acorn Computers
Consumer captor
Bill Gates
Glib tales
Zimmer frame club
Maze firm crumble
"To be or not to be: that is the question, whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous Fortune..."
"In one of the Bard's best-thought-of tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on two fronts about how life turns rotten."
Politics
George Bush
He bugs Gore
Ronald Wilson Reagan
A long-insane Warlord
Ronald Reagan
A darn long era
Margaret Thatcher
That great charmer
The Conservative Party
Teacher in vast poverty
Liberal Democrats
Ballot dims career
Labour Party
Rub a tory pal
Green Party
Grey parent
President Bill Clinton
In blond cretin split
"That's one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind." Neil A. Armstrong
A thin man ran; left planet, makes a large stride, pins flag on moon! On to Mars!
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front
of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a
large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then
chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of
dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in
boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen
calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call
from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and
buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe
the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and
"tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...
(and others)
A prime candidate for natural deselection...
Bright as Alaska in December...
One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests...
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it...
Fell out of the family tree...
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming...
Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it...
He's so dense light bends around him...
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate...
If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week...
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change...
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean...
It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm...
One neuron short of a synapse...
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled...
Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 minutes...
Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby...
Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead...
Clem asks her: "What are you up to?"
Alice smiles: "I'm going hunting with you!"
Clem, though he had many reservations about this, reluctantly decides to take her along. Later they arrive at the hunting site. Clem sets his wife safely up in the tree stand and tells her: "If you see a deer, take careful aim on it and I'll come running back as soon as I hear the shot".
Clem walks away with a smile on his face knowing that Alice couldn't bag an elephant--much less a deer. Not 10 minutes pass when he is startled as he hears an array of gunshots.
Quickly, Clem starts running back. As he gets closer to her stand, he hears Alice screaming: "Get away from my deer!"
Confused, Clem races faster towards his screaming wife. And again he hears her yell: "Get away from my deer!" followed by another volley of gunfire.
Now within sight of where he had left his wife, Clem is surprised to see a cowboy, with his hands high in the air.
The cowboy, obviously distraught, says: "Okay, lady, okay!!!! You can have your deer!!! Just let me get my saddle off it!"
"Look, it's not the same hat, Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything,it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another. After a week the parrot finally said: "OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"
Your Favorite Aunt,
We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida and mine is in New York
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
B
She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said, "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric Chair.
My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake".
My wife is on a new diet. Coconut and Bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb trees.
She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in".
Remember....Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
Statistically, 100% of all divorces started with marriage.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on TV?" ...I said, "Dust!".
In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.
Why do men die before their wives? Cause they want to."
:
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind
she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"
she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order
she sat on the TV and watched the couch
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
she tried to drown a fish
she thought a quarterback was a refund
she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death
if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back
they had to close down the school to get her out of third grade
under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On
Phonics"
she tripped over a cordless phone
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept
at the bottom of the application, where it says "sign here," she
put "Sagittarius"
she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store
it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless
she studied for a blood test - and failed
she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center
she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train
she sold her car for gas money
when she saw the "Under 17 not admitted" sign on the front of the
movie theater, she went home and got 16 friends
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
moved
she thinks that Taco Bell is a phone company
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead
when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport
Left" she turned around and went home
"No need to panic," said a fellow bass player, "I thought we
might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string, it'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled."
A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.
"Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the basses are loaded".
The man replied, "No, sir. It doesn't work that way. We give you a million today and then you'll get the rest spread out for the next 19 years."
The Redneck said, "Oh, no. I want all my money right now! I won
it and I want it."
Again, the man explain that he would only get a million that day and the rest during the next 19 years.
The Redneck, furious with the man, screams out, "Look, I want my money! If you're not going to give me my $20 million right now,then I want my dollar back!"
You no longer get winded running long distance; you get winded just DIALING long distance.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids?
If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?. "I'm four and a half!" You're never 36 and a half. You're four and a half... going on five! That's the key! You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 13, but hey, you're *gonna* be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life happens... you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony; ~~* YOU BECOME 21 *~~ YYYYYYES!!! But then you turn 30. Ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. "He TURNED, we had to throw him out." There's no fun now, you're just a sourpuss.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then
you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the breaks, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50... and your dreams are gone. But wait, you MAKE IT to 60. You didn't think you'd would!!!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50, and MAKE IT to 60. You've build up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that, it's a day by day thing; you HIT Wednesday. You get into your 80's, and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30. You REACH bedtime. (My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. It's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.)
And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's you start going backwards; "I was JUST 92." Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again; "I'm 100 and a half!!!"
Jerry Seinfield's book
The gravesite was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima gave the eulogy.
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of..... Black November;
"Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you'll get six meals instead of just three.
"And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin,
and you'll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
In'll burst the farmer's wife, and hack off your head;
"Then she'll pluck out all your feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin' in the sink;
"And then comes the worst part" he said not bluffing,
"She'll spread your cheeks and pack your rear with stuffing."
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap;
I haven't a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said "Christmas is coming..."
bringing much happiness, just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided.
Returning each deed. They'll be so excited!
I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets, Oh, how they'll shout!
When they're on the phone, just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers, then shake their head.
When that is done I'll hide under the bed!
When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run ... if I'm able!
I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click.
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks, throw one away,
play in the mud 'til the end of the day.
Later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer, and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down, with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan "He's so sweet ..... when he's sleeping!"
just click on the Angel.
She will carry your message to me.
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