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"Genealogical Humor"
"I Want"
By Barbara A. Brown *

Yep -- I want ancestors with names like Rudimentary Montagnard or Melchizedick von Steubenhoffmannschild or Spetznatz Gianfortoni, not William Brown or John Hunter or Mary Abbott.

I want ancestors who could read and write, had their children baptized in recognized houses of worship, went to school, purchased land, left detailed wills (naming a huge extended family as legatees), had their photographs taken once a year -- subsequently putting said pictures in elaborate isinglass frames annotated with calligraphic inscriptions, and carved voluble and informative inscriptions in their headstones.

I want relatives who managed to bury their predecessors in established, still-extant (and indexed)cemeteries.

I want family members who wrote memoirs, who enlisted in the military as officers and who served in strategically important and well documented)skirmishes.

I want relatives who served as councilmen, schoolteachers, county clerks and town historians. I want relatives who 'religiously' wrote in the family Bible, journaling every little event and detailing the familial relationship of every visitor.

In the case of immigrant progenitors, I want them to have arrived only in those years wherein passenger lists were indexed by National Archives, and I want them to have applied for citizenship, and to have done so only in those jurisdictions which have since established indices.

I want relatives who were patriotic and clubby, who joined every patrimonial society they could find, who kept diaries, and listed all their addresses, who had paintings made of their horses, and who dated every piece of paper they touched.

I want forebears who were wealthy enough to afford, and to keep for generations, the tribal homestead, and who left all the aforementioned pictures and diaries and journals intact in the library.

But most of all, I want relatives I can find!!!

* Ms. Brown's "I Want" article was originally posted in 1994 to the National Genealogical Conference, FIDO bulletin board forum.

"THE CENSUS"

It was the first day of census, all through the land
each pollster was ready, a black book in hand.
He mounted his horse for a long dusty ride,
his book and some quills tucked close by his side.
A long winding ride down a road barely there,
toward the smell of fresh bread wafting, through the air.

The woman was tired, with lines on her face,
wisps of brown hair she tucked back into place.
She gave him some water as they sat at the table
she answered his questions, the best she was able.
He asked her of children. Yes, she had quite a few,
the oldest was twenty, the youngest not two.

She held up a toddler with cheeks round and red,
his sister, she whispered, was napping in bed.
She noted each person who lived there with pride,
she felt the faint stirrings of the wee one inside.
He noted the sex, the color, the age.
The marks from the quill soon filled up the page.

At the number of children, she nodded her head,
saw her lips quiver for the three that were dead.
The places of birth she "never forgot"
was it Kansas? or Utah? or Oregon, or not?
They came from Scotland, of that she was clear,
but she wasn't quite sure just how long they'd been here.

They spoke of employment, of schooling and such,
they could read some, write some, though really not much.
When the questions were answered, his job there was done
so he mounted his horse and he rode toward the sun.
We can almost imagine his voice loud and clear,
"May God bless you all for another ten years."

Now picture a time warp, its' now you and me
as we search for the people on our family tree.
We squint at the census and scroll down so slow
as we search for that entry from long, long ago.
Could they only imagine on that long ago day
that the entries they made would effect us this way?

If they knew would they wonder at the yearning we feel,
the searching that makes them so increasingly real.
We can hear if we listen the words they impart
through their blood in our veins, their voice in our heart.

"Family History"

The Smith's were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower. Their line had included soldiers, Senators and Wall Street wizards.

Now they decided to compile a family history, a legacy for the children. They hired a fine author.

Only one problem arose----how to handle that great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair. The author said he could handle that chapter of history tactfully.

The book appeared. It said that "Great-uncle George occupied a chair of applied electronics at an important government institution, was attached to his position by the strongest of ties and his death came as a real shock."

[Genealogy joke submitted by Lois Guffy]

"If I Could Meet My Ancestors"

If I could meet my ancestors,
all standing in a row,
would I be proud of them
or do I really know?
Strange discoveries are made
in climbing family trees.
Some of them, you know
don't particularly please.

If I could meet my ancestors,
all standing in a row,
there might be some of them, perhaps,
I wouldn't care to know.
But here's another question,
which requires a different plea...
If I could meet my ancestors
would they be proud of me?

BRYSON
11 Nov 1998

"All of genealogy is relative"
BRYSON
23 Nov 1998

"It is a Revered thing to see an ancient Castle not in decay, But how much more it is to behold an ancient Family which Has stood against the waves and weathers of Time."

-Francis Bacon-

HUMOR. Christine Horn (chorn@mail.powr.net) writes: "At the Family History Center at the LDS Church where I am the director, we get mail sometimes that brings a smile and often a chuckle. Thought I would share it with all of you."

To the FHC, enclosed, please find my grandmother. I have worked on her for 50 years without success. Now see what you can do.

I've looked for grandpa for over 20 years. Do you have him in your library?

I am sorry we do not have complete families. The trouble here is extracting the children from the minister.

Our grandfather was found dead, crossing the plains in the library.

For Sale: We have an antique desk just right for genealogy work and a lady, with thick legs, and large drawers.

SPENDING YOUR DASH?

I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to dates on her tombstone
From the beginning to the end.
He noted that first came date of birth,
speaking the last date with tears,
he said, "what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years". (1930 - 1998)

That dash represents all the time
She spent alive on earth....
Only those who loved her know
what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own,
the cars...the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live, love,
and how we spend our dash.

So think about this long and hard...
Are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
that can still be rearranged.
If we could just slow down enough
To consider what's true and real,
always trying to understand
The way other people feel.

Be less quick to anger,
Show appreciation more.
Love the people in our lives,
like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect,
more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.

So, when your eulogy's being read,
with your life's action's to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say
about how you spent your dash?

My family coat of arms ties at the back....is that normal?
My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated
My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE??
I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap..
I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged.
I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me?
If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...
Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more!
It's 1999... Do you know where your grandparents are?
A family reunion is an effective form of birth control.
A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots.
A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away.
After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted.
Am I the only person up my tree... sure seems like it.
Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples.
Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it.
Genealogists are time unravelers.
Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... I seek!
Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people.
"Crazy" is a relative term in my family.
A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor.
I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand.
I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days.
No wonder I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower
Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress.
Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality.
Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening nor a thief.
Many a family tree needs pruning.
Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm hunting forebears.
Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes.
Genealogists live in the past lane.
Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree.
Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
Always willing to share my ignorance.
Documentation...The hardest part of genealogy.
Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
Genealogy...will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards.
I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist!
SO MANY ANCESTORS,..SO LITTLE TIME!

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