~"Country Style Humor"~

Site hosted by Angelfire.com: Build your free website today!

"Country Style Humor"creative dancing, fun, enjoyable, music<title>https://www.angelfire.com/dc/bryson/country.html” I'm sorry, but I have no control over the above banner or it’s contents. ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Country Style Humor"

"THE OUTHOUSE POEM"

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.

No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.

"Where is the ladies restroom, sir?"
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.

With quickened step she entered there
But only stayed a minute,
Until she screamed, just like a snake
Or spider might be in it.

With startled look and beet red face
She bounded through the door,
And headed quickly for the car
Just like three gals before.

She missed the foot log - jumped the stream
The owner gave a shout,
As her silk stockings, down at her knees
Caught on a sassafras sprout.

She tripped and fell - got up, and then
In obvious disgust,
Ran to the car, stepped on the gas,
And faded in the dust.

Of course we all desired to know
What made the gals all do
The things they did, and then we found
The whittling owner knew.

A speaking system he'd devised
To make the thing complete,
He tied a speaker on the wall
Beneath the toilet seat.

He'd wait until the gals got set
And then the devilish tike,
Would stop his whittling long enough,
To speak into the mike.

And as she sat, a voice below
Struck terror, fright and fear,
"Will you please use the other hole,
We're painting under here!"

"Keep on farming"

After bringing in the barley crop and sitting back to enjoy the seasons harvest, my Grandad was asked, 'What would you do if you had a million dollars?'
He replied, 'Oh, I suppose I'd just keep on farmin' til it's all gone'.

"Potato Planting"

An old man living alone in, whose only son was in prison, didn't have anyone to dig his garden for his potatoes. So he wrote to his son about his predicament.

The son sent the reply, "For HEAVENS SAKE, don't dig the garden up, that's where I buried all the money!!!!!". At 3 AM the next morning, a dozen goverment men and deputies turned up and dug the garden for 3 hours, but didn't find any money.

Confused, the man wrote to his son telling him what had happened, asking him what he should do now?

The son sent the reply; "NOW plant the potatoes!'"'.

"Loose Chickens"

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

'Pa, the chickens got loose,' the boy confessed sadly, 'but I managed to find all twelve of them.'

'Well, you did real good, son,' the farmer beamed. 'You left with seven.' !'"'.

"The Cow Salesman"

The local farmer had been thoroughly bilked many times by a certain car dealer in town. Then one day the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming around to buy a cow. The farmer attached the following price information to the cow; Basic Cow 500.00, Two tone exterior 45.00, Extra Stomach 75.00, Product-storing equipment 60.00, Straw chopper 40.00, Four spigots @ 30.00 each 120.00, Cowhide upholstery 125.00, Duel horns 15.00, Automatic flyswatter 38.00, Fertilizer attachment 185.00 -- Total 1203.00

"The Mud Hole"

A motorist, after getting his car stuck in a big mud hole, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, 'At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day.'

'Can't,' replied the farmer. 'At night I haul water for the mud hole.'

"Done Got Me Some Red Neck Jokes"

Did you hear about the Kentucky red neck who passed away and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?The only catch is that she can't touch it until she's 14.

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?When you call the front desk and say, "I've got a leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40 and says to the driver, "Got any ID?"The driver says, "'Bout what?'

Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, watch cha got in th' bag?'
"Jes' some chickens."
"If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
"Shoot, if ya guesses right, I' give you both of 'em!"
Okay......Ummmmmmm ...five?"

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door,telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here muh house is on fahr!"
"Okay," replied the fireman. "How do we get there?"
" Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"

Zeke and Ezra were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. Zeke turns to Ezra and says, "I bet you $50 the man is going to jump."

Ezra, "Okay you're on." Sure enough, the man jumps, and Ezra gives Zeke $50.

Zeke says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then."

"No, you have to take it," says Ezra "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

Billy Bob and Lester were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Lester, "Ya know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your suggestions as to where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Sue got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to Bahamas, and Betty Sue got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Sue didn't get pregnant again."
Lester asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"
Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Betty Sue WITH me."

What do they call reruns of "Hee Haw" in Mississippi?......................Documentaries.

A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane in Florida have in common? Either way, somebody's fixin' to lose a trailer.

Redneck Medical Terms

Artery......................The study of paintings.
Benign......................What you be after you be eight.
Barium......................What doctors do when patients die.
Cesarean Section............A neighborhood in Rome.
Cat Scan.....................Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize...................Made eye contact with her.
Coma........................A punctuation mark.
Dilate......................To live long.
Enema.......................Not a friend.
Fester......................Quicker than someone else.
Fibula......................A small lie.
Hangnail....................What you hang your coat on.
Impotent....................Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain..................Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff...............A Doctor's cane.
Morbid......................A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates....................Cheaper than day rates.
Node........................I knew it.
Pelvis......................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative..............A letter carrier.
Rectum......................Darn near killed him.
Seizure.....................Roman emperor.
Tablet......................A small table.
Tumor.......................More than one.
Urine.......................Opposite of you're out
Varicose....................Near by

This Redneck site owned by "Country Humor".

If you would like to send me e-mail,
just click on the Angel.
She will carry your message to me.

View My Guestbook
Sign My Guestbook