Jokes

These jokes are dirty so be warned! but then again you'll probably love them! Theres only 3 for now but dont worry im on the look out for more!

Baking a cake (sick dirty joke)

One day a little girl was watching cartoons when a porno came through. The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?" The girls mom said "baking a cake."

Then the next day they were walking in the park and there were these people making out and the girl said "look mommy they are baking a cake!"

The next day the girl says "mommy you and daddy were baking a cake last night."

Her mom replied "how did you know?" The girl said "because I licked the icing off the sofa!"

Facts of Life (and Death)

Little Lucy went out into the garden and saw her cat Piddles lying on the ground with its eyes shut and its legs in the air. She fetched her Dad to look at Piddles, and on seeing the cat he said, as gently as he could, 'I'm afraid Piddles is dead, Lucy.'

'So why are his legs sticking up in the air like that, Daddy?' asked Lucy as she fought back the tears.
At a loss for something to say the father replied, 'Piddles' legs are pointing straight up in the air so that it will be easier for Jesus to float down from heaven above and grab a leg and lift Piddles up to heaven. '

Little Lucy seemed to take her Piddles' death quite well. However, two days later when her father came home from work, Lucy had tears in her eyes and said: 'Mommy almost died this morning.'
Fearing something terrible had happened the father shook the girl and shouted, 'How do you mean Lucy? Tell Daddy!'

'Well', mumbled Lucy, 'soon after you left for work this morning I saw mommy lying on the floor with her legs in the air and she was shouting, 'Oh Jesus!!! I'm coming, I'm coming!!!' and if it hadn't been for the milkman holding her down she would definitely have gone, Daddy'.

Bob at the nudist Colony (X)

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and he immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''

Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
She says: ''You must be new here; let me explain. It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me.'' Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts. Within a few moments a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him. The Huge Man says: ''Sir, did you call for me?''
Bob replies ''No, what do you mean?''
''You must be new here, it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me.'' The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and sodomizes him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: ''May I help you?''. Bob says: ''Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee.''
''But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities...''

Bob replies: ''Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on about once a month, but I fart 15 times a day. No thanks!''

PUSSY VS. BEER

A beer is always wet.
A pussy needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.

A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A pussy tastes better served hot.
Advantage: Pussy.

Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold pussy makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.

If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: Pussy

24 beers come in a box.
A pussy is a box you can come in.
Advantage: Pussy.

Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.

If you come home smelling like beer, your wife may get mad.
If you come home smelling like pussy, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.

6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: Pussy

Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much pussy and you will get poor.
Advantage: Pussy

It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football
game.
You are a legend if you have a pussy in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: Pussy

If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells pussy on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: Pussy

With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.

Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.

Pussy can make you see God. Beer can make you see the porcelain god.
Advantage: Pussy

If you think all day about the next pussy you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: Pussy

Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of pussy is more fun.
Advantage: Pussy.

If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a pussy at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Pussy

If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a pussy, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.

If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.

The best pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Pussy.

The worst pussy you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.

The government taxes beer.
Advantage: Pussy.

It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: Pussy.

Quick Jokes

Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: What's the difference between sin and shame?
A: It is a sin to put it in, but it's a shame to pull it out.

Q: What's the speed limit of sex?
A: 68; at 69 you have to turn around.

Q: What's the ultimate rejection?
A: When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.

Q: Why did Barbi get thrown out of the toy box?
A: Because she kept sitting on Pinocchio's face, and moaning, "Lie to me!"

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?
A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."

Q: What did the potato chip say to the battery?
A: If you're Eveready, I'm Frito Lay.

Q: Why did Frosty the Snowman pull down his pants?
A: He heard the snow blower coming.

Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.

Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.

Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.

Q: What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common?
A: If the rubber breaks, they're both in deep shit!

Q: Why did The Lord give women nipples?
A: To make suckers out of men.

Q: What are the two greatest lies?
A: "The check is in the mail," and "I promise I won't cum in your mouth."

Q: How do you tell if you are in a gay church?
A: Only half the congregation is kneeling.

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potatoe?
A: A DickTater!

Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."

Q: Did you hear about the generic form of Viagra?
A: It’s name is: "mycoxafloppin".

Q: How do you know when you are getting old?
A: When you start having dry dreams and wet farts.

Q: Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ?
A: Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins !

Q: What do Disney World & Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two minute ride.

Q: What's the definition of trust?
A: Two cannibals giving each other a blowjob.

Q: Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
A: When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.

Q: Why don't women blink during foreplay ?
A: They don't have time.

Q: Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize 1 egg ?
A: They don't stop for directions.

Q:whats the difference between a rooster and a hooker?
A:a rooster says cocka-doodle-doo a hooker says any cock will do.

Q: Why did the former porn actor get fired from his job as a gas station attendant?
A: Right before the tanks were full, he would pull out the nozzle and spray gas all over the car.

Q: What is the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
A: One says ribbit ribbit, the other one says rub-it, rub-it!

Q: What do a pizza delivery man and a gynecologist have in common?
A: They can both smell it but they can't eat it.

Q: What is the difference between a drug pusher and a prostitute?
A: A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q: Why did the condom cross the road?
A: Because it was pissed off.

Q: What does KFC and a woman have in common?
A: Once you're done with the breasts and the thighs, there's still a greasy box to put your bone in.

Q: What did the egg say to the boiling water?
A: "It might take me a while to get hard I just got layed last night."

Q: What happens if you put the Energizer Bunny's batteries in backwards?
A: He keeps coming and coming and coming...

Q: How did Dairy Queen get pregnant?
A: Burger King didn't cover his Whopper.

Q: Why are electric trains like a mother's breasts?
A: They were both designed for the kids, but it's the fathers who are always playing with them.

Q: If you get malaria from mosquitoes and lime disease from ticks, what do you get AIDS from?
A: grASS-HOPPERS.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?
A: "I don't know why you're shaking...she's gonna EAT me!"

Q: Why did The Lord create alcohol?
A: So ugly people have a chance to have sex.

Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.

Q: What did Adam say to Eve?
A: Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets!

Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Hold unto your nuts-This is no ordinary Blow Job!

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: Incase men miss!

Q: Why do women have two holes so close together?
A: So you can carry them home like a six-pack!

Q: How do you get 4 queers on a bar stool?
A: Turn it upside down!

Q: Where is an elephant's sex organ?
A: Under it's feet-if it steps on you, you're fucked!

Q: What's organic dental floss?
A: Pubic hair!

Q: What's long, hard, and has semen in it?
A: A submarine!

Q: What's so bad about being a dick?
A: Your closest mates are 2 nuts and an ass hole, your master covers you in a plastic bag, And every time you get excited you spew.

Q: What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?
A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!

Q: Why did the pervert cross the road?
A: Because his dick was stuck up the chicken's ass.

Q: Why do men masturbate?
A: It's sex with someone they love.

Q: Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A: So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Q: How many men does it take to put the toilet seat down?
A: Nobody knows, it hasn't happened yet.

Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a jar of peanut butter?
A: A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth!

Q: What's the similarity between brussel sprouts and pubic hair?
A: You push them aside and keep on eating!

Q: What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
A: Say, "Nice dick."

Q: How do you know you're leading a sad life?
A: When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends."

Q: Are birth control pills deductible?
A: Only if they don't work.

Q: What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
A: If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts.

Q: Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
A: Because they have cotton balls.

Q: What do you get when you cross an Owl and a Rooster?
A: A cock that stays up all night.

A young girl had a mum, a grandma and a great grandma. She said to her mum "Mum, how much did you charge for a blowjob in your day?" her mum said "£15, why?" "Oh, just wondered." She asked her grandma the same thing and she said "£10." She then asked her great grandma who said, "well, because it was the war, we didn't charge anything, as we were greatful for a warm drink!!!!"

******

How can you make five pounds of glistening, wobbily fat look appealing?

Stick a nipple on the top.

******

A man walks into a bar, and behind the bar he sees a huge pegboard with hundreds of 100 dollar bills attached to it. He walks up to the bartender and says, "Gee, that must be a helluva lot of money. Why is it there?" "Well, that's our jackpot," the bartender replies. "But so far nobody has managed to win it." "What do I have to do?" "Well, first you have to pay 100 bucks. Then you have to brave three challenges." "And what might they be?" "Okay, see that seven-foot muscle man at the door? First you have to knock him out. Then go behind the building. There you'll find a pit bull terrier with a bad tooth. Pull out the tooth! Then come back and go upstairs. First door on the left. There's a 350-pound woman in there. She's very old and very ugly. Shag her and you win the jackpot." "Okay, I'll give it a shot," says the man. So he walks over to the muscle man at the front door and says, "Hey, since when did you guys start showing porno flicks on the ceiling?" The muscle man looks up, and the man beans him with a beer bottle. Knocks him out. "Not bad, the bartender says. And now the dog." The man walks out the door. All of a sudden there's barking, shouts, garbage containers cracking. Twenty minutes later the man comes back, covered all over with blood, his shirt ragged, his pants down. "Alright, now where is this woman with the bad tooth?"

******

One day a milkman was delivering milk to houses that weren't on his route. He just happened to walk up to a house where a lonely beautiful woman lived. He decided to try to find out why she was crying. He asked the lady what was wrong and she told him that her husband was gone at war, that she felt lonely and that she needed sex badly. So the milkman offered himself to her and she accepted. They were going at it for a couple hours when a car pulled up in the driveway. The lady jumped up off of the man and ran to the window to see who it was. When she saw who it was her eyes opened in shock. The milkman got scared and asked what she saw. She said her husband just pulled up in the driveway with a pack of flowers and candy. The milkman said "oh no how do I get out of here, where do I go." The lady told him to hide in the closet and she'll stall her husband so he can excape. When the milkman got in the closet the lady;s period came so she grabbed two tampoons wiped up her stuff and threw them in the closet. Her husband came in picked her up and took her to their room. They shagged for two weeks straight then her husband went back to war. When he left the lady started to cry again because she felt lonely once again. She started to clean up the house because it was what she liked to do while she was depressed. When she opened the closet door she saw a sleeping milkman and screamed. The milkman woke up and said its about time. The lady said are you ok. The milkman told her yeah, but if it wasn't for those two jelly doughnuts you threw in here I probably would have died.

******

What is green and smells of bacon?

Kermet the frogs finger.

******

What is the difference between the pub and a clitoris?

Ask any bloke, and he'll tell you where the pub is!

******

There was a married man who lived with his wife. The man was sure she was having a good time with the milk man. He wanted to record what went on in the house while he was out at work. He couldn't buy a tape recorder or a video camera because that would be to obvious. So he went to the pet shop to get himself a parrot. In the shop there was only one parrot who spoke english. Unfortunatly the parrot that spoke english had no feet, nor did he have any legs. So as you can imagine he has to sit on his perch somehow! So he holds on with his dick. He brought his parrot home and placed it in the most obvious place (beside the front door). The man went to work but told the parrot to record everything that his wife said. The parrot was perfectly capable of doing this and did so. When the man came home he asked the parrot what happened. The parrot said "Well your wife let the milk man in" "yes" "then they went upstairs and...." "what what," said the husband "I could hear rustling and groaning!" "Then what happened tell me quick" said the husband "well I don't know" "why not" said the husband."I had an erection and fell of my perch"

******

What's the difference between a penis and a bonus?

Your wife will always blow your bonus.

Submitted by nick, chris and edger

******

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool, chops, etc... After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn’t have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down in the grass and roll around when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, shags them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try did not take and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying in the grass.

"No," she says. "They’re all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

******

A middle manager was in a quandary. He had to downsize one of his staff members. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a difficult decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in early that morning, hugely hung over after partying all night and getting no sleep. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin. The manager approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I have a terrible headache."

******

A man with no arms or legs is on a beach, when three beautiful women come up to him. The first one say's "Have you ever been hugged?" He say's no and the woman hugs him. The second say's "Have you ever been kissed?" He say's no and the woman kisses him. The third say's "Have you ever been f****d?" He say's no and she say's "Well you are now the tides coming in!!!!"

******

A woman pregnant with triplets was on holiday when she got shot 3 times in the stomach, luckily her and all of her children survived and she gave birth to 3 healthy children, 2 girls and a boy.

As time went on she often thought about the bullets and where they could have gone. After a few years one of her little girls came running down the stairs shouting, "Mummy come look at this!" The girl led her to the bathroom where she had done a tiddle and a bullet had come out. Feeling quite relieved the woman went back downstairs. The years carried on and after a while her second daughter came running down shouting "Mummy come look at this!", and her daughter had been to the loo and tiddled a bullet. The woman wondered when her son would do the same. Again the years rolled by. One day her son came running down shouting "Mum come look at this!" "Let me guess", she replied, "you've been to the loo and tiddled a bullet", "No" he exclaimed, "I was having a shuffle and I shot the dog!!"

******

Maria is a devout Catholic: She gets married and has 17 children, then her husband dies. She remarries a few weeks later, and has another 22 children with her second husband. Maria dies. At her wake, the priest looks tenderly at Maria as she lies in her coffin, looks up to the heavens and says, "At least, they're finally together."

A man standing next to the priest asks, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean Maria and her first husband, or Maria and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

******

An old man went to live in an old peoples home. His son went to visit him the next day. "Well dad, how are you getting on here?" the concerned son asks. "Oh well, you'll never believe it, but when the nurse bathed me she got hold of my gear and asked if I would like to be relieved!" replied the dad.

A week later the son goes to visit his dad again. This time the dad is very sad. "What's the matter?" the son asks. "Well I fell in the corridor and a male nurse came up behind me and gave me one" said the old man. "You have to take the good with the bad," replied the son, "at least the nurse looks after you when you're in the bath," "yes," replied the dad.