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Jokes
A young couple had been married for a couple of weeks, but the man was
always after his wife to quit smoking.
One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said, "You
really ought to quit."
She, getting tired of his nagging, said, "I really enjoy a good
cigarette after sex."
He replied, "But they stunt your growth."
She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he never had.
Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said, "So, what's your
excuse?"
Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on
the roof of their car which read,
"TWO PROSTITUTES... $150.00."
A policeman noticed the car, and quickly pulled them over.
He approached the ladies and told them they'd have to
remove the sign. Otherwise, they'd be arrested and taken
to jail. Just then, another car passed by with a sign which
read,
"JESUS SAVES."
The two ladies asked the policeman why he let the other
car drive by without pulling them over.
"Well, that's a little different since it pertains to religion."
The two ladies were furious, but nonetheless they
removed the sign and drove away.
The next day, the same policeman noticed the same two
ladies riding around town with a sign on the roof of their
car. He figured he had an easy bust, so he pulled them
over once again. As he approached the car, though, he
noticed a new sign which now read,
"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER... $150.00."
A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His
mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.
She asks, "Did anything special happen at school today?"
"Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!"
The mother is stunned. "You're going to talk about this with
your father when he gets home."
Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as
punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, "Son, I
hear you had sex with your English teacher."
"That's right, Dad."
"Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration.
Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've
been asking for."
"That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead?
My ass is killing me."
Once upon a time, there was a sperm named Stanley
who lived inside a famous movie actor. Stanley was a
very healthy sperm. He'd do push ups and somersaults
and limber himself up all the time, while the other
sperm just lazed around doing nothing.
One day, one of the sperm questioned Stanley and
asked why he exercised all day.
Stanley explained, "Look pal, only one sperm gets a
woman pregnant, and when the right time comes, I'm
gonna be that one sperm!"
A few days later, all the sperm could feel themselves
getting hotter and hotter. They knew the big swim was
imminent. Moments later, they were released abruptly
and, sure enough, Stanley was swimming far ahead of
all the others.
Suddenly, Stanley stopped in his tracks, turned
around, and began to swim back with all his might. "Go back!
Go back!" he hollered. "It's a blow job!"
A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan from his wife. The doctor suggests the man should go in again and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later with his face white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happen to which the man replies: "She choked."
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and
brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured
him out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the
ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance
money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving
remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes..."
Q: What do you call a Deadhead who breaks up with his girlfriend?
A: Homeless
This guy walks into a hash bar and sees a sign that says "Iron Man Competition-$10,000." So he asks the clerk, "So what do I have to do to get the money?"
The clerk says, "Well, see that biker at the end of the bar?" The guy looks and sees this 350 lb. redneck at the end of the bar, toking it up. "Yeah?," he replies. "Well," says the clerk, "You've got to knock him flat on his ass with one punch."
The guy lights up a jay, walks to the end of the bar, stands next to the biker and cold-cocks him. The biker is out cold.
"OK," says the guy, "Where's my dough?"
"Not so fast," says the clerk, "There are two more things you have to do. First, there is this mean pit-bull outside with a sore tooth. You've got to rip out his tooth with your bare hands. Then, there is an old horny grandma upstairs that hasn't had sex in a long time."
The guy finishes up his hooter and goes outside. From inside you can hear a lot of growling, barking, and yelling. After about thirty minutes, the guy walks in and says, "Now where's that old lady with the sore tooth?"
One day a stoner went to visit his brother from Iowa who owned a farm. Each morning the stoner's brother would milk the cows until one morning he broke his arm and the stoner had to milk the cows for him. His brother gave him directions on how to do it and soon the stoner was out in the farm working away.
About two hours later the stoner is exhausted and goes inside the house to smoke a blunt. As he is about to light up the blunt his brother walks up to him and asks him if he had any troubles.
"Not really" said the stoner. "But there was one thing that confused me, what were those buckets you gave me for?"
A stoner is walking down the street when he realizes he left his lighter at his friend's house. He goes back to get it and when he gets there, his friend isn't home. So he just keeps knocking on the door and his friend comes up from behind him and says, "Hello?" The other stoner yells through the door, "You still got my lighter man!" The friend behind the stoner said, "Hold on, let me get it." He reaches in his pocket, pulls out the lighter, walks inside, shuts the door, opens the door back up, and says, "Hello?"
Three stoners rob a 7-11.
They run out with the money.
The cops started to chase them.
They each jumped in a potato bag to try and hide.
The cops catch up and kicked the first potato bag.
"BARK!" says the first stoner.
The cops say, "Oh it's a dog, leave it alone."
They kicked the second potato bag.
"MEOW!" says the second stoner.
The cops say oh it's a cat leave it alone.
They then kicked the third potato bag.
They kicked it again.
And again.
And again.
The stoner could not think of something to say.
The cops kicked it again.
"POTATO!" said the stoner.