Saturday, 19 March, 2005
We all love those people who just talk and talk don't we? The ones who show up at our doors at ask us, "Have you invited Jesus into your home and life?". Got a news flash for all you bible thumpers, he's been dead for a mother fucking long time! The chance of Jesus knocking on my door are very slim. But, I'm willing to allow him an opputunity. If he ever feels the need to come to my door, and knock, I'll invite him in for a beer. Hell, I can just give him a glass of water, after all he can turn water into wine can he not?
I always wondered how Jesus felt as a kid. Such high expectations for him, save mankind! But can you imagine on those scorching days out in the desert? All the other kids out there playing in the water, swimming, playing marco polo or what have you and Jesus standing there right besides them, but also just above the water. How do you think he felt? All the other kids pionting at him and laughing. "Jesus can't get wet, jesus has to burn! Nanananana!" And Jesus just standing there and going. What the fuck...Picture it, people swimming around him and Jesus jumping up and down throwing a fit...
And imagine if they had public school back in that day? Imagine being compared to Jesus all the time. Why can't you be more like Mary's boy?! He's out founding his own religion and healing the sick! And all you do all day is learn to read! You can't even work wood like Jesus! Heh....work wood. I wonder who invented masterbation? Imagine the royalty checks he must get....
When in doubt, double wrap it.
Saturday, 26 March, 2005
Things that make me feel good.
Being the center of attention.
Picking my nose in public and flinging it at people.
Taking a long stinky and sticky dump and not flushing.
Fucking that new intern.
Finishing jerking off just before someone walks by you.
Kicking people in the face.
"Cuffing" people upside the head when they say something stupid.
The first cigeratte after fucking the new intern.
Being undefeated in the exciting game of Crazy Eights.
Manipulating someones joke on me into a vicious and brutal knockdown.
Peeing on dogs.
Firing the new Intern home after my cigeratte.
Monday, 28 March, 2005
I have come to a brillant conclusion on how to solve that age old agrument between man and women. The dreaded "Tiolet seat up" agruement. After a lovely little disagreement with my girl I sat in the dark drinking my vodka and reflecting on it. Actually it was more of me sitting there doing shots till I couldn't see staight and cursing under my breathe, but somewhere in my drunkingness I came to the conclusion. My girl is a fucking retard. She was complaing that someday she might just fall into the tiolet! Woah, I thought. I never thought that could happen. I always look to see if the seats down or up before I go to take a shit. You can't help but look. BUT NO! For some reason women seem to have this day on day off thing with the tiolet. I can just hear her now, "Oh I know, today is tuesday, so I'll close my eyes whenever I go into the washroom and hope I hit the tiolet!" Stupid broad.
Guys on the other hand ALWAYS look at the tiolet. We do it before we take a dump, and we do it right after we take one too. Just to make sure it looks as good as it felt. Long live the snake dumps.
But heres the beauty. I have figured out the one rule that both sides will live by. Who ever has the majority of sexes, ie' more males then females. Will be the dominant tiolet lord. 1 guy living with 2 girls. Seat always goes down. 2 guys living with 1 girl, seat always goes up. Simple. The majority rules. 'Cept if I live there, because I rule more.
Ever had a cigerette that tasted like a carrot?
Ever notice when your stoned everything seems so significant?
I once had a dump that looked like Jesus.
If your finger is up your nose, your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass....your my kinda person!
Sunday, 03 April, 2005
You know the one smell i can't stand. The hotel room smell. Its like a mixture of shit, piss, sex, booze and dirty laundry smell. Its like all this smell hovers around the front door so when you come in...BAM! It hits you square in the nose! Your rolling around the floor, trying to crawl out of the room but the doorknob is just out of reach. You reach the doorknob and suddenly your flung across the room by another whaft of evil blowing from the heater that just came on. Then you pass out, can't take the smell and just black out. No sooner has that happened, KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK HOUSEKEEPING!
Don't....seem....to have....stength....to rise....middle....finger.....
What if Kenny Rogers mated with a Gorrilla?
Saturday, 09 April, 2005
The whore indenial. I love those bitches. The ones who claim to love you and won't fuck anyone else. Seems I know alot of them. For instance this one whore, who shall remain nameless, only cuz she still fucks great and I still wanna get laid more then twice a week. Insists that she loves me but goes on talking about the guy she isn't/is dating, it changes every 30 mins. She claims she's pregnant then starts talking about just going to the docter ysterday and him saying she ain't. Then in the morning she tell me again she thinks she's pregnant and its mine. Sorry to tell you, if I think your a whore I DOUBLE WRAP IT! Therefor leaving next to no chance of me getting you pregnant. You can always tell if someones a whore if they have "Short" terms for unplanned pregancy. They call it "Prego".
Thursday, 14 April, 2005
I wonder why Nuns wear those silly robes? I think it has something to do with midget mexican border jumpers. Cuz under those robes nuns have three to five harnesses. So you strap a few mexicans on and head home to the covent. Make a few bucks for the church, and you know at least one of those mexicans is giving them head the whole time. Seeing as how they can't fuck anyone...no rule about getting licked!
I have verbal diarreha.
How do you blow your nose if you have a nose ring?
Technicolor cartoons give me the chills.
Ever notice that the "dirty dreams" are only messy when you wake up?
Anytime I'm in the public restrooms I like to cheer loud bowel movements.
Wednesday, 28 September, 2005
Seems theres alot of whiny people around now. I remember a few years ago I didn't hear or see alot of them. Now they're everywhere! Be it on the bus (cuz I'm poor) to the public restrooms, to at work, or even when i'm just going to the beer store. No matter what I run into a least 5 - 20 people crying about everything! SUCK IT UP PEOPLE! From now on if I hear any of this "My boyfriend dumped me" or "My grandmother's dying" Or "The guy didn't even give me a courtesy spit, just shoved his dick up there!" Im'ma gonna walk over to you, and whack you in the knee cap with my cane! Fuck you sissies!
I enjoy urinating.