Here comes the windy chill. Sneaking up on you and making you ill. When all is silent in the night and you just don't feel right, you know its time. Strap yourselves in for another hit of the acid truth I bring. The SiC one, it is in. He brings it all down, with the violent JeRk. bitch I'm the only white boy who makes it work! Bitch I'm GANGSTER!
So, where do we start today. Do we talk about more tiolet humour. How about the story where I was puking and shitting at the same time? No? Didn't think so. Ah, I know just what you all wanna hear today. Lets talk about my recent roadkill discover. Downtown Hamilton to be exact. Just out back of Jackson Square by the farmers market. Wasn't no cat, wasn't no dog, wasn't even a pigeon. God be fucked if it wasn't a damn pig. Either that the nastiest piece of hooker ass I've ever seen. The hookers here ain't nothing to look at, cept the few that I have experienced! DAMN! Back to the pig.
It's just before 6 am, I having been drunk most of the night on at least 4 separate "mickies" of vodka and pretty fucked up from my acid trip decided to pick up some munchies, only problem was most of the stores weren't open yet. Motherfuckers should know when I'm coming around! So I'm coming along the back, past the Federal building (which I worked at by the way), past Copps (Home of the Hamilton Bulldogs. Hate to be the guy to clean up their mess! Pretty shitty!) around a bunch of urine smelling douchbag bums, and finally past Farmers Market. Being as totally fucked up as I am and was, I actually walked past it the first time. After trying the door and finding it locked, I let off a few curses that even made the human waste that I walked past earlier look up, then I noticed it. Not more then a foot from the sidewalk. A pig. A fat one split in half by someone careless bike driving. Come on, how do you not know you hit a pig!. I nudged it with my boot a few times, had a alittle fun. Thought about picking it up and taking it home actually. Nothing like freshly cut bacon with a side order of sausage to really get you up in the morning ya know? But in the end I said fuck it. Besides, theres this guy down my hall who's being really pissing me off as late. Might leave it in front of his door!
I reach in my duffell bag, which I always have with me and pull out a couple trashbags. I wrap the two halves of the pig into one of them and then double wrap it again. I put it in my bag, give it alittle spray from my axe "essence" to keep it smelling good and start walking off. The two urine motherfuckers give me a digusted look so I shot them the finger and throw them a twoonie. Everyone has their soft spot. Usually found right between the eyes, gotta hit it with a sharp rock however! Out of nowhere suddenly i get this idea...a great idea, an obsolutly brillant idea. Much better then leaving it on someone doorstep. Two words. GO STATION!
So I start sprinting up towards it, not easy with a duffell bag with a pig in it! Not to mention the countless other pieces of rubbish I got in it. Of course, I get tired and have to take a few smoke breaks along the way, about 6 I think. So I get there and duck into the door under the tunnell way there and head to the bathroom. I get stopped halfway there and asked what I'm doing. well, no need to lie so i tell they guy I'm gonna sacriface a pig in the washroom. Well, that didn't go over too good but he said and I quote "Well as long as it ain't no goat or cow. Go ahead." I gave him my trademark smirk and go on my way. So I finally get in there and I hunker in there "semi private" stall. Hell, when I lower my pants people can see my nut hair from outside! Thats why they're only called "semi privates!" I keep my pants on this time tho' don't be getting any ideas about me fucking a pig! it only has happened once...and in my defence I was on an acid trip and she said her name was Michelle.
I get the pig from the bags and try to settle it into the tiolet. I manage to get the upper body and head in, having them stick out with its head resting on the bowl. I then step back, admire my handy work and head over to the tiolet stall to the left. I do the same with the lower half, this time sticking its rear end (The juiciest meat) sticking out. I take off my gloves, wash up and throw the two bags in the trash. On my way out I run into the security gaurd that stopped me perviously. He gives me alittle nod and asked if i had any trouble. I smirk, tell him just a little bit couldn't fit the cow or the goat on the little bitty counter space they give ya, but I managed. He gives me the little "what the fuck look" and I walk out. But not before shooting him the finger and throwing a twoonie!
Moral of story - Don't leave good food to spoil.