the latest and always possibly last entry here...
I already proved to myself logs are for those who are weak…
howevere i always have that itch 2 exercise my wording etc
and I guess still want 2 give that slice or chip of life
to site.
EVEN THOUGH NOONE CARES.
To kill the sad music go 2 the bottom...
i wanted 2 put it up here but it kills everything...
i have no idea how 2 fix it...code stolen from ken...
[11:16PM 18th June Saturday 2005]
-Recent Thoughts-
“Hardworking failure"
"Either deal with it or suicide is your only option"
(can be my way of the ninja)
Current: Jims house, he is studying 4 a phys exam…
Weather: it was cold...thats all i remember
Mo0d – bleah, blah..
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Well this is going 2 be a really LONG log cause of all the stuff I hav 2 say
a lot, yep longer than mu usual.
Ill start with the recent stuff….
Well news is my grandfather from my mothers side is dying,
I guess u can say this entry goes out to him, even tho he cant read eng, somehow it would get 2 him.
He has been in hospital for more than a week now and word is his lungs are futile.
Most likely due to his heavy smoking habits, I’m sure he started at a young age.
2 of my uncles were also smokers, one quit as soon as his daughter was born,
lisa one of my cousins (its good 2 see a young innocent and pure being defeat such a powerful bad habit),
I think she is 2 or 3 now… and another uncle quit a few months ago when he went 2 hospital
and got a scare from some thing. My grandfather on the other hand had a simular scare
and he stoped for a short period and then continued, Ironic really but that was years ago,
however he has lived a long life, fulfilling perhaps, he is 76 or so now and he has had the
luxury of living in Sydney in his last years and seeing many grandchildren grow up,
not sure if he would have wanted 2 see Vietnam and rest there or something,
that place ….what can I say is a dump but I can enjoy a simple life there,
I guess if I was granpa id want 2 go back there…what he did for a living was push a
trolley in the streets of Vietnam and sell some sort of perishable…. Atleast this is what my mom used 2 tell me.
Maybe its only Asians but it would be that there is little time for family because
of the parents working and the making a living, the family relationship is different,
it maybe more quiet and don’t know any thing about each other.
Maybe it’s an even better kind of family, as we can care for each other without showing it, something like ninjas.
Thing is I never knew my grandfather very well, probably cause of the language barriers,
I know enough Cantonese to only communicate generally everyday stuff,
I guess It was enough to really get to know my grandfather but by the time I grew more
confident I was at the age I don’t think about age* the stage where one thinks…
old people are old and they have experience and that’s about it,
he became a permanent resident somehow around 13 years ago or something,
I was young at the time, and most of the time I spent with him was when he
would walk me 2 primary school n back home. I probably talked 2 him but I don’t remember much.
That was back in the oldskool 80s days when I can come home and watch transformers on channel ten….
anyway I remember some trip to school was during those
“free local area council junk collecting days” u know when there are piles of junk in front of houses,
so he walks me to Lidcombe infant school, and we walked pass this one pile
n there was old stickers the ppl were throwing away so he got some 4 me,
they were mild quality stickers u can say, reflective and foil laminated, they were all xmas themed
and it was probably march or something at the time…
It’s a wild guess but I know it was one of those warm mornings.
I don’t care much about stickers and they were out of season but if it’s free anything is kool.
I’m sure I was happy at the time, I stuck them on some old drawers ( I still have them).
The next day or so maybe a few, we wen back and picked up more.
Another time I remember spending with my grandfather is when he walks me home from school.
He would buy candy for me, I think I liked this one which had a fizzy centre,
a slightly larger than your average ball lollypop with a wrapping which has that twist at the top,
coming in pink, orange and green colours and flavours ..most likely artificially flavoured.
I remember there was a day he didn’t buy any for me n I had a sort of grudge
at him for it that afternoon (hey I was a kid).
Another memory I have is when he wanted 2 watch tv n he told me 2 turn it on…
the channel last watched came on and it was that hip hop song
with the break dancing battle saying ”its like that, and that’s the way it is”
.. my grandpa said don’t watch this it will make u a bad person …
well at the time I just thought he was stupid n I wouldn’t mind being a hip cool break dancer not that I’m in2 that,
but ehh now that I think of it, it is a potentially druggy scene…
this was several years ago when that song was mildly new,
basically whenever my grandfather visits or anyone else does or when ever at all,
for the past several years…I’m occupied on the computer,
this is very unfortunate, after turning on the tv 4 grandpa I went back to the PC.
Other memories of my grandfather include my first bike he got me.
I remember meeting this bike in a Burwood house where we used 2 all
live and at the time one of my uncles lived. It was a small bmx,
pearly purple with green and blue reflective stickers…well something like that…
it was my first bike and possibly my first 2 wheel bike and it costed like $8-12 from the flea market,
where it is now is anyone’s guess. Another thing I got from my grandpa was my first yo-yo,
also from the flea market I thin. I was a pioneer of the yo-yo fad craze in yr 4?5?,
of the mid90s. the yo-yo I remember was white with clear caps and a gold metal axel,
a fine yo-yo at that. In the clear cap cells were the Cronulla sharks football team cartoon mascot,
so it was a promotional thing.
Where that is…I don’t know but I last saw it when I traded it with Michael lolesi*
he was your typical primary school bad boy mild bully, I was an unfortunate friend of his…like Milhouse*
I don’t even remember what I traded it for, but I think it was some better yo-yo..
That was stupid, I was seduced buy some new yoyo technology.
Because this is so0 long and I reminisce as I go ill continue 2 morro
Sunday 3:11 PM
I went home when my parents called me last night and played shantae till 3 am
cause my bro was in the world of war craft, I then went 2 sleep while he played for sometime longer.
I’m back at jims now to continue the log,
I just came back from visiting my grandpa in hospital,
I sorta regret not visiting him earlier cause yeh he has been in hospital 4 1 week.
Anyway they only allowed 2ppl at a time 2 visit in the intensive care section.
After my dad and uncle DI* (grandpas son), me, my brother and uncle GaiK*
(a younger son of my grandpa the ex-smoker who stoped after the daughter)
went in disregarding their 2 only rule.
It was a rather grim scene, some leb family was crying and sobbing loudly
in some foreign arab language in the waiting room before we entered.
The intensive care room was much more sombre, every patient was in bed
with several tubes and a mask on them and most if not all were asleep,
there was an air of possible but well lived death.
We found my grandpa asleep and he was almost unrecognisable
with all the plastic and apparatus on his face.
He also had several pipes through his mouth, held in place with binding slings
and sponges 2 rest against, it was quite horrible.
My uncle spoke to him..”can u hear me” etc in chew jow* .
All grandpa did was lay there and breathe with his eyes closed,
my uncle perhaps said that grandpa may look asleep but can still hear us,
this can possible I guess, his hands were plump and cold, this was because of those bags
of water things being pumped in him I heard*.
after awhile a nurse said they strictly allow only 2 ppl,
I looked at my bro n said maybe we should leave uncle alone.
We left and went back to the waiting room corridor where the Arab family continued to distress,
there I asked my dad…
do u know grandpa that well? “He says pretty much…
there is only so much u can talk about really I guess” …
My dad’s father died (when my dad was very young, around 5 in Vietnam (don’t know why yet)
and the only memory of my dad had of his father
is how he used 2 take him to a café in Vietnam and drink coffee,
must have ordered milk and told my father about the world before he could understand…)
I responded.. “yeh but you know Europeans and those,
they get very close to grandparents 2 learn about their experience and all (hey its in movies),
I have regret having only spent a mild amount of time with grandpa,
and although I don’t know him well I respect his elder experience.
This a barely comprehensible bond that I know Asians have that gives a sense of care and bond just by faith,
not shown nor spoken. Im sure this was generally what my father meant,
and that alone satisfies me for family.
Shortly my uncle came out while leaving I asked him…
“if grandpa was to die would you shed tears?”
he responded…. I’m old now, men shed what tears,
I was glad he feels this strong, im sure grandpa would have not wanted anyone to grieve with tears.
We all left for lunch or breakfast for me…
at some pho place nearby at Asian Bankstown.
I have been sick of eating pho 4 a month or 2 now.
The restaurant was a nice homage to Vietnam interior…
Right down to the narrow stairs up 2 the toilets and their window view of the corrugated metal roofs.
It was all shabby and crappily painted, im sure that is not on purpose but I don’t mind it…
being poor and simple is cosy, After we ate we went back 2 the hospital for an update on my grandpa’s
condition, he had little chance… we then left.
[11:00am 5th May Thursday 2005]
-Recent Thoughts-
“Honesty is the demand to be exploited” (from screen media tute)
"Sarcasm will gets you Everywhere" (Craig my supervisor)
Current: just sitting in front of comp with the curtains up
Bottle of new grape Fanta sitting right from my mouse. its alright
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I don’t like this so ill make it quick…
Im supposed 2 be finishing or almost finishing my
Screen media film critical analysis
Or some MADWOMAN’s documentary if u call it that
Which is due next Tuesday…also research and start
My Media law research essay, which I decided 2 do on
Internet and copyrights…since I’m such a pirate…
I start pleading innocent over my train incident
this Friday…which is tomorrow.
Its just a intro meeting with me and some solicitor I get 4 free?
And then we set a later date where everyone, that is prosecution
And witnesses can attend ….also I have jerk or work after that
Whatever u want 2 call it at Wanklins…
And after that its my 19th birthday ….
best weekend combination END OF STORY….
Now for the past few days on discovery
of my new passion 4 literature..(thanks a lot UNI T_T )
I composed a poem (I think it qualifies even though it is inconsistent in techniques)
On the influence of a silent hill song…
And yes its for myself… now who ever cares can read it…
A letter to my future self…(Suggest you turn off musics n read it in silence or other)
Letter to my future self...
Am I still mildly happy here?
Have I matured more handsome?
Is what matters somewhere deep inside?
Will your memory still defeat you?
Can time still make me a fool?
Can you write any better?
Have I resharpened my maths?
Am I still friends with the pencil?
Does paper still listen to you?
Hello to my future self…
You may not know me that well . . .
Does someone walk beside you?
Or i still wander this desert alone?
Has SHATE shown you mercy?
Or does still No One Care…
for me?
Can I still escape reality?
Do you still eat fantasy?
Through my Guilty…
Innocent eyes?
I'm sure I’m still laughing,
taking nothing seriously.
One thing’ to my Future self…
If it gets hard to fake a smile…
I have this to tell you…
Remember it once in awhile...
still eight-teen your past self, Searched for your happiness...
Please don't…
Lose hope.
Ask not of these too much, to your little self…
I’m not testing you every day you live…
You've made the right decisions…
I know the best of me is all you have to give
rest in peace whilst the sun is done.
I still respect the person you've become.
We were put here on this earth. . Put here to feel pain.
We were put here at this place. . Put here to feel shame.
We were put in this world. . Put in to play this game.
We don’t have time for tears…
We weren’t put here to suffer thus…
Heavily modified from….
From: Silent Hill 3 Original Soundtracks (KOLA-038)
Music by: Akira Yamaoka
Arranged by: Akira Yamaoka
Lyrics by: Hiroyuki Owaku (Translation by: Nora Stevens Heath)
Performed by: Mary Elizabeth McGlynn
And some others…
well thats it for now...or ever
