Everyone needs a little humor (and lots of caffeine) to enjoy Calculus to the fullest. Here are some really cheesy Calculus jokes (some are good) to tickle you pink!

Here's an optimization-ish short story:

One day a farmer called up an engineer and a mathematician and asked them to fence off the largest possible area with the least amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The mathematician just laughed at him. She built a tiny fence around herself and said "I declare myself to be on the outside."

I find this one particularly funny:

A guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" And the other guy says: "No, I am not scared, I am ex."

This is good for Calculus students to remember:

Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math. The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed. She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral of x squared?'. The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'!

And that moral of that story is: Don't forget your constants! Those red +C's and -1 on your test/quiz really are not attractive.

Here are the corny ones:

Why do lumberjacks make good musicians?

....because of their natural log-a-rithms!

Mathematics is made of 50 percent formulas, 50 percent proofs and 50 percent imagination.

Calculus students are sometimes clueless. They think that General Calculus was a war hero. If he did actually exist he probably knew how to "integrate" his troops and "differentiate" between his allies and his enemies.

Q: What is the first derivative of a cow?
A: Prime Rib!

This is a good one:

Top ln(e10) reasons why e is better than π:

10) e is easier to spell than π.

9) π = 3.14 while e = 2.718281828459045.

8) The character for e can be found on a keyboard, but π sure can't.

7) Everybody fights for their piece of the pie.

6) ln(pi1) is a really nasty number, but ln(e1) = 1.

5) e is used in calculus while π is used in baby geometry.

4) 'e' is the most commonly picked vowel in Wheel of Fortune.

3) e stands for Euler's Number, π doesn't stand for squat.

2) You don't need to know Greek to be able to use e.

1) You can't confuse e with a food product.

Don't you just hate when this happens...:

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please, rotate your phone by 90° and try again..."

AHA! Finally! We can understand the rudiments of mathamatic-ese:

The Dictionary: what mathematics professors say and what they mean by it

Clearly: I don't want to write down all the "in-between" steps.

Trivial: If I have to show you how to do this, you're in the wrong class.

It can easily be shown: No more than four hours are needed to prove it.

Check for yourself: This is the boring part of the proof, so you can do it on your own time.

Hint: The hardest of several possible ways to do a proof.

Brute force: Four special cases, three counting arguments and two long inductions.

Elegant proof: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject matter and is less than ten lines long.

Similarly: At least one line of the proof of this case is the same as before.

Two line proof: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em.

Briefly: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write and talk faster.

Proceed formally: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any hint of their true meaning.

Proof omitted: Trust me, It's true.