Things Your Beserker Would Never Say
Signs You've Just Met the Main Bad Guy
- If this wasn't such a nice inn, I'd kick your ass.
- Do these boots go with this tunic?
- Sometimes, I just want to be held.
- Couldn't we just talk this over? Violence never solved anything.
- Swords and alcohol don't mix.
- Gee, I'd like to help you guys hunt down that rogue dragon, but Lance and I are going shopping for curtains this weekend.
- Thank you (as well as "please", "excuse me", and "so sorry, I appear to have stabbed you in the stomach with my broad sword").
- I think mages are the coolest.
- Wait a minute guys. Maybe we should think this over first.
- Ewwwww! Blood!
Signs You've Pissed Off the Villagers
- Your assassin henchman just wet his pants.
- The ancient red dragon you had just been fighting says "S**t, I'm out of here!" and flies away.
- The bad guy just laughed evilly, and seven birds fell dead out of the sky.
- The DM chuckles, and says "I spent seven hours rolling this guy up".
- The bad guy burps, and a human toe flies out of his mouth.
- The DM plays a tape of scary organ music, and starts talking like Boris Karloff.
- The bad guy is dressed all in black, but has one of those little yellow smiley face buttons (DMs can be sooo sarcastic).
- You point your wand of fire at him, and it melts.
- The bad guy keeps Elminster in a cage, and occasionally pokes him with a fork.
- After the battle, the only Player Character to survive is the one that stayed back in town with the flu.
Spells That Never Made It
- The "interesting new stew" you've been served at the inn smells suspiciously like sewage.
- One ripe apple at the market place costs more than your last spellbook.
- They're building a gallows outside of your room at the inn. They try to tell you that it's "modern art".
- One of them asks you for a donation for the "Hire Some Thugs to Kill the Adventurers" fund.
- Someone glued a spike to your saddle.
- At bed time, your goose-down pillow explodes. The innkeeper says that the pillow was made from the feathers of very angry geese.
- People keep providing you with gifts of horses, and maps out of town.
- The mayor declares a special "Murder of Foreigners is No Longer Illegal" day, in your honour.
- Arrows keep appearing in the dirt at your feet. Local villagers shake their head, and claim that they are fast-growing weeds.
- The villagers hire a band of trolls to rid their town of adventurers.
Signs Your DM is Too Easy
- Berman's Death-to-the-Caster
- Power word, fart
- Gelatinous Shell (immediately surrounds the caster in a gelatinous cube)
- Safe Fall (like feather fall, but makes you weigh as much as a 12 ton bank vault)
- Polymorph Udder (a highly specialized spell which only affects female cattle)
- Stinking Klaus (summons a fat, smelly German business man, who chases your enemies while eating an Oktoberfest sausage and belching)
- Magnetskin (a variation of stoneskin - makes the caster's skin magnetic, giving all metallic weapons a +10 bonus to hit)
- Meatier Swarm (large chunks of ground chuck rain to the ground)
- Polymorph any Omelet
- Fireballs (sets the target's testicles on fire - very effective, but a bit too kinky for TSR)
Signs Your DM is Too Hard
- The red dragon suddenly develops a chest cold, and cannot use it's breath weapon.
- Your party sneaks into the lich's secret dungeons. Luckily for them, the lich has been born-again, and sent all his undead minions off to do charity work for the poor.
- The phrase "Oh geez, what do I need with another +5 vorpal longsword" is used during game play.
- Your cleric is on a first name basis with his god, because of all the times the god has had to pop in to save the cleric's butt.
- Any major city has at least one "Ressurect-a-matic" on every street corner.
- All the city's guards are first level, and are easily spooked by the flamefinger cantrip.
- Bubba the Mighty, the most powerful and evil mage in the world, has a soft spot for fast-talking halflings. Instead of casting meteor swarm and annihilating the party, he decides to teleport away.
- The party is dividing treasure. The fighter says "Ok, who wants the staff of the magi? Anybody? Anyone at all? Ok, we leave it leaning against a tree stump."
- The DM uses a four sider to roll monster attacks.
- The gods in your campaign worship the player characters.
- You've been playing for 3 weeks, and have 76 dead characters.
- You're playing in Darksun, but still only use 3d6 in fixed order to roll characters.
- Your fighter gets a bit tipsy, and piches the barmaid's bottom. The barmaid pulls out her bow and her arrow of fighter slaying.
- Your 15th level thief just had the snot kicked out of him by an eight year old girl.
- There are lethal traps on every latrine door.
- Most peasants have 20 hit dice, and many know Power Word, Kill.
- Somehow you've done it. Your party has slain Emberburn, the most fearsome and powerful Red Dragon the DM has ever created. The DM stares at you in shock, still staring down at the "1" he rolled on the dragon's last attack. After poking him in the arm for five minutes, chanting "horde....horde.....horde...." over and over, he looks up at you. The look of surprise fades, and an evil grin replaces it. "As it happens," the DM says with glee, "the dragon had cast project image just before the party entered the cavern...".
- Your mage has an argument with a local spice merchant. Finally, annoyed to the breaking point, he casts charm on the merchant. Sadly, the merchant is a retired 22nd level elven mage. Shaking your head, you reach for the stat rolling dice once again...
- Trees can, and often do, explode in huge, 20d6 hit die fireballs. No explanation is ever offered.
- Regular rabbits are gone. They have been replaced by the killer-rabbit from "Monty Python and the Holy Grail".
Back to Comedy