|H O M E|
I’m really glad you’ve decided to spend some special time with me. It really helps me to feel better.
That’s right, kids, lately I’ve been feeling bad…like when you dig too deep into your navel trying to pull out lint…or when you are flipping back and forth between the final episodes of Joe Millionare and the Bachelorette, it’s a mix of nausea, fascination, and self-hatred. Can you say SELF-HATRED? I knew you could.
When you’re feeling bad, it’s a good idea to do something nice. Something that in a small way makes up for the bad thing you did. You know what I usually call that?…required community service. And you know what?…it does take the pain away, especially if you were caught on videotape with 2 male prostitutes.
Just the other day I did a nice thing. I helped an old lady with her groceries. I put them in her car. Then I followed her home, and quickly got out of my car to help her get her groceries up an icy flight of steps going up to her apartment. It was a good thing I was there, because she suddenly had a heart attack!!! It seemed to happen just I jumped out to help her. So I called 911, and made sure she got on the ambulance. I kept her purse so no one would take it while she was unconscious too.
Even though that supernice thing that I did was totally unrelated to my bad thing, it still made me feel good…especially when I ate all of her perishables…there’s nothing worse than going on a trip and coming home to rotten food in your kitchen. Yuck-O! Old-lady-at-the-store-who-had-a-heart-attack, if you’re out there I know what you’re thinking…and you know what?…you are welcome!
Do you know another super-important thing to do when you’re feeling bad? Hmmm? Do you?
That’s right. You say I’m sorry. You apologize. Apologizing has made even the worst of human offenses OK.
So…just for you kids…I’m going to apologize for a bad thing your old pal Roger did many years ago. I’m doing this because I’m what you call a role model…not a fashion model…no, no…I’m not even remotely similar to those skinny bitches.
OK, here goes…I want to apologize to the people of Vietnam. That’s right. Every damn one of you. For fear of severe punishment from dark government forces that move within our democratic system, I can’t explain the specific reasons for why I did what I did, but I do know, after all these years, that I was wrong. If you happen to have Red Clearance Access Level 17b, and you’ve been to the antechamber within the Pentagon’s Hall of Records on sublevel 6, you’ll know that I never said “I’m sorry”…I said “frag ‘em” quite a bit, and was known to sing Aqualung. Well now I’m here to say I’m sorry. I’m also here to say that, despite popular opinion, Jethro Tull did in fact kick Metallica’s ass and deserved to win Best Heavy Metal Performance when that award was first given out at the Grammys.
Alright kids. That’s all the time I have. Give yourselves a biiiiiig hug, because I love you.