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| "News. As I break it." Miami Harold, Editor |
Volume 1, Issue 15 November 21, 2002 |
| H O M E-------D I S C L A I M E R-------A R C H I V E S------S E N D - A - L E T T E R |
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KABUL, Afghanistan --Treasury Secretary Paul O'Neill, during a news conference at the Finance Ministry in Kabul, explains to the Afghan press how to squirt water through his hands in a swimming pool .
NEW YORK, New York --Tensions flared as event organizers realized that they had scheduled a run-way show for beautiful, elegant women with time on their hands on the same day as a previously scheduled run-way show for ugly, angry, flat-chested women with societal issues.
ANN ARBOR, Michigan -- "No man...I'm looking at the sideline monitor right now and I'm telling you, your ass is not as big as an Easter ham."
CAP-HAITIEN, Haiti --Haitian protestors took to the street this week as a way to get the government to change the name of the country, which they feel is misleading to people living there that actually LIKE tea...or are just ambivalent about tea.
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TALLAHASSEE, Florida -- A group of South Floridians formed an organization last year to help unite chronic masturbators in their struggle to control themselves. However, the group, on celebrating their one year anniversary, went into simultaneous relapse. The resulting pandemonium from that relapse is now being described as the single most dramatic circle jerk in the history of the United States (there is apparently a documented circle jerk occasion in England by a bunch of druids which lead to massive flooding in Liverpool).
The very relaxed, but guilty, leader of the group still has high hopes for the future and says
that he "sees a real place for masturbation support groups"...though he recognizes his year long dry spell made him more aggressive, his eyesight did improve and more people were willing to shake his hand.
CORAL GABLES, Florida -- In an unprecedented move of solidarity, all of the cities and townships that collectively make up the South Florida coastline to east issued a loud and much anticipated warning this week...all the beaches on the east side of South Florida are to be considered "very dangerous" due to the influx of giant man titties. Says one official, "Hairy man tits are everywhere on this beach! The local hospitals and medical clinics are getting hundreds of visitors coming in for emergency lasek surgery, eye patches, mind erasures...it's out of control!" Since issuing the collective warning, all cities and townships are now considering the population warned, and see no issues of liability. Large signs can be seen along the beaches now that warn NOT to use this beach unless:
TOKYO, Japan -- The official Japanese Michael Jackson Fan Club met this week to shame themselves and wish they had never heard the word "Thriller". This self repulsion comes days after crazy Jacko held his kid over the ledge of a hotel window. In Japan, where Jackson has always been right up there with Moo Goo Guy Pan, people have had enough. "I love Mike, but he is crazier than a geisha with terets," says Zhin Chou, President of the JMJFC, "For years I walk around with shiny glove and surgical mask on face...you know what?...my one hand have critical frostbite...the other perfectly fine...I'm so ashamed." The meeting ended with everyone purging their inner demons and making a strong testimony to stop sticking up for Jackson's odd interludes. To punctuate this, they all watched his 30th Anniversary Special again and gave, for once, the honest opinions that whole thing made freaky people say, "that's freaky".