National health officials warned Monday that the West Nile Virus is “a nasty motherfucker!” They claimed it is here to stay and that we’re all going to die. After a gasp from the audience, the health officials just laughed and laughed, admitting that simple prevention efforts, such as wearing insect repellent, are the best way to manage the epidemic. CDC director Dr. Julie Gerberding told reporters that they’ve known how to prevent West Nile the whole time but that “the press conference wouldn’t of been as funny” if they had just cured it quickly.

The Miami-Dade County school district is launching an ambitious multi-million dollar plan to improve scores in the 16 inner-city schools that failed or nearly failed the Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test because of illiteracy at the schools. This plan, already being implemented to all relatives of Governor Bush’s family, requires teachers to read the questions on the FCAT very slowly for the students. For those students who still cannot answer the questions, the teachers are to, as quoted in the new plan, "select the right answer for them".

The Securities and Exchange Commission has launched a formal inquiry into AOL Time/Warner’s disclosure last week that it overstated some assets and liabilities in its 2001 financial statements. Under President Bush’s new plan to reform business, a formal inquiry now involves the use of proctological examinations. One white house aide suggested that Bush thought it really drove home the idea of a “crackdown” on substandard business ethics. The new policy states, "When companies report accounting issues, formal inquiries from the SEC usually follow, which include a day of intense ass probing."

Stevie Wonder visited Atlanta, Georgia last week to celebrate "GET LAID BLIND" (Get Literacy And Independence for the Deaf and Blind). Part of that celebration included the unveiling of the first-ever braille phone book. Wonder immediately dove into the book, where he shockingly discovered that there are 176 different listings under "Wonder". This flew in the face of his previous assumptions on the Wonder lineage, which he thought was limited to seven. "People have always told me there are only seven wonders in the world. The Discovery Channel did a special on it for cryin' out loud!" Pete Wonder, an Atlanta resident, called Stevie Wonder "a fuckin' moron".