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MINUTES OF THE VICE MEETING SATURDAY 16TH FEBRUARY 2001

 

 

Present :     Executive Officers

               Ordinary Members  

 

 

The Chairman opened the meeting after the Wales V France match which the frogs norrowly won by cheating.

 

He began by thanking the members for attending but was rudely interrupted by the Landlord who said he had been instructed to put some flowers on the table. He then produced a packet of McDougals self raising and a packet of cornflour. The Chairman thanked him for his kind gesture but subsequently removed the items as someone suggested having a flour fight.

 

 

ITEM 1 Apologies for absence

 

Apologies were received from the Social Secretary ( but not his wife ) who explained he had to go on a freebie to the match. It was agreed that he should spread the freebies around a bit in future.

 

Someone asked why the member without brain had not tendered his apologies. The Chairman explained that he has been kicked out forever for bringing VICE into disrepute and for not buying his round.

 

ITEM 2 Minutes of last meeting

 

The MLO suggested that the minutes of the last meeting bore no resemblance to the issues discussed. This was agreed and the Secretary explained that he couldn’t remember what went on having consumed copious amounts of Addlestone’s prior to the meeting. To get himself off the hook he proposed that the minute be re-written to read that “ the minutes are not a true record of the last meeting “.

This was seconded by the new member with a beard who wasn’t at the last meeting and agreed by the executive.

 

ITEM 3 Matters arising

 

It was agreed that there could be no matters arising because if there were they would have to be matters relating to minutes that were recorded as a true record but the minutes had been agreed not to be a true record of the last meeting so matters arising from those minutes would either be matters related to a true or not true record of the meeting and since no-one could remember anything about the last meeting then no-one could confirm them as being a true or not true record.

 

At this point there was a short recess because the Secretary had a headache and the Chairman took opportunity to raise a matter of the utmost importance. He explained that the Secretary of VICE had been officially recognised as a local hero having helped to foil an armed robbery and apprehended one of the perpetrators. The official recognition had come in the form of an award of some £ 100 given to the member from public funds by the Judge handling the case. The Chairman further explained that the Secretary had immediately donated the money to the Vice charity fund. He then asked the members, in the normal manner, to show their appreciation of this stupi kind gesture. At this point one member got carried away and broke the zip on the Secretary’s trousers.

 

The Chairman further suggested that VICE should award the Secretary an amount of £ 50 from the funds in recognition of his gallant act. The Secretary refused to accept the donation but said he would prefer it if members would agree to buy his beer and allow him to sleep with their wives. This was agreed with a request from the MLO that if the Secretary has sex with his wife he will tell the MLO what it’s like.

 

It was also noted that another member ( Rob Cole ) had attempted to involve himself in the apprehension of the robbers and a local newspaper had reported that “ he ( Rob ) chased the little bastard but was too fat to catch him “.

 

We feel this is grossly unfair because it has since come to our attention that Rob himself was involved in a similar incident himself some time ago and proved to be a hero himself. The report is shown in appendix 1. click here to read

 

 

 

ITEM 4. Executive Officer Reports

 

 

4.1 Treasurer Report

 

The Treasurer confirmed that we have a few more bob in the kitty. When asked for more detailed accounts the Treasurer appeared to take exception and left the meeting.

 

4.2 Raving Ambassador

 

See previous minutes – Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan -  “ things are progressing “

 

The executive concluded that the word progress has a different interpretation depending upon whether you are a Kiwi or a normal person.

 

4.3 Treasurer :- continued

 

The Treasurer returned to the meeting with a piece of paper upon which was written either £ 37.50 or £ 3.75.

 

4.4 Management Liaison Officer

 

The MLO reading from the back of a dirty beer mat raised the following matters :-

 

1 Ventilation

 

Some member has been whinging about the lack of ventilation in the bar. The MLO explained that he was unable to confirm the member’s name because there was so much smoke around he couldn’t see him. It was decided that smoke is good for you and adds to the ambience of the place so the matter was dropped.

 

 

 

 

 

2 Beer

 

Some other member has complained that the beer tastes like piss. It was decided to instruct the member concerned to appear before the executive to explain how he knows what piss tastes like.

 

3 Staff Complaint

 

The MLO has received a complaint from some of the less appreciative members of staff. They claim they are stressed because customers turn up in groups of 2 or 3 instead of one at a time which makes it difficult for them to remember what people are ordering. They have requested that customers are more “ spaced out “.

 

The executive agreed on 3 initiatives to rectify this problem :-

 

1.       VICE will run classes entitled “ Improving your memory will raise your IQ to 4 “

 

2.     Free cannabis will be issued to all VICE members to ensure they are suitably spaced out.

 

3.     A ticket machine will be installed ( similar to the one on Tescoes meat counter ) so that customers can take a ticket and wait their turn. It was considered unreasonable however for VICE members to be inconvenienced in this way so each member is to be issued with a roll of tickets all bearing the number 1.

The rest of the pond scum can queue for their beer.

 

One member ( who shall not be named ) has agreed to steal a machine for us.

 

 

4 Member complaint

 

The MLO reported that one of the members ( J.L. )  had complained that “ Committee members are not taking ordinary members seriously “.

 

The executive regard this as a very contentious issue not just because of the allegation against committee members but also because this member thinks that VICE should be serious !!

 

 

 

The Chairman explained that J.L. would be presenting himself to the executive on an unrelated charge later and that the two matters should be taken together and furthermore the member should be severely punished after he has had a fair trial. This was agreed.
 
 
ITEM 5. Charges

 

The following members were called before the executive to answer charges brought against them :-

 

1. Mr Jeff Bowen     

 

 Charge : Failure to undertake official duties commensurate with his post

 

Mr Bowen has occupied the post of Recruitment Officer for the past 3 months and during that time has recruited no-one. On presenting himself to the executive Mr Bowen physically attacked the Chairman accusing him of being a “ lying bastard “. In his defence Mr Bowen claimed he had called at over 200 houses trying to recruit members. Unfortunately none had agreed to join but he did sell 145 satellite dishes. The member then continued to insult the executive with numerous pathetic excuses none of which were deemed acceptable.

 

It was decided that Mr Bowen be given 30 minutes to recruit someone or he would be immediately expelled.

 

2. Mr David Evans

 

Charge : Being too serious

 

Mr Evans has been granted provisional membership only because he completed his application form in a proper and serious manner. In his defence Mr Evans explained that when presented with his application form he didn’t have his glasses. He then proceeded to blame J.L. who he claimed filled it in for him. After some discussion the executive concluded that the explanation had considerable merit given that JL was already on a “ Being too serious “ charge. However,in order to convince the executive that he could be jovial Mr Evans was instructed to tell a joke. Although the joke was both unfunny and incomprehensible the executive decided to abandon the matter because at that point an overly excited Mr Bowen interrupted the proceedings.

 

Mr Jeff Bowen – continued

 

Mr Bowen appeared brandishing a £1 coin and a potential recruit. It was pointed out that as Recruitment Officer Mr Bowen should know that the annual fee is £1 for each ear i.e. £2 in total. Mr Bowen suggested cutting off one of the potential recruit’s ears at which point the recruit became extremely aggressive. The matter was resolved however when Mr Bowen agreed to cough up the other quid.

 

The potential recruit initially refused to sign his membership card claiming “ he didn’t know what he was letting himself in for “. However when it was agreed he could have the membership number 007 he agreed to comply with all the rules and regulations especially the ones concerned with buying the committee lots of beer. On this basis he was granted membership pending the completion of an application form and from henceforth he will be known as Bond ( or maybe Norman ). It was further agreed that the Recruitment Officer should be put on a probationary period to be reviewed in 2 months and that he should liase with the Treasurer immediately in order to develop a membership list.

 

3 J.L.

 

Charges :-  Supporting the Bar Staff. Being too serious

 

J.L. had been overheard supporting the bar staff complaints ( see item 4.4 3 ) and also criticising committee members ( see 4.4 4 )

 

When asked to explain himself to the executive J.L. was clearly nervous and spoke in a high pitched voice which resembled a juvenile who’s balls are about to drop.

The executive took exception to this believing he was trying to take the piss and it was decided that, in future , if any member hears him speaking in this ridiculous voice he will be fined £1 for each occasion reported.

 

J.L. did not attempt to defend himself against either of the charges preferring instead to offer a compromise position. J.L. confirmed that if VICE agreed to drop all charges then his wife would attend the next meeting with her breasts fully exposed ( tits out ). He would further ensure that her nipples would be fully erect at the time.

 

At this point there was a short recess as seven members wanted to go to the toilet.

 

During their absence the MLO explained that this kind gesture had been forthcoming during the “ growing up night “ but that he believed it had now lapsed to which J.L. replied “ no problem “.

 

A show of hands was called for to which only 3 hands appeared ( we are not sure what the other 21 hands were doing at the time ). However it was unanimously decided to drop all charges against J.L. pending his wife’s appearance at the next meeting.

 

ITEM 6 Bar Person of the month 

 

The Secretary reported that he believed he had identified a suitable recipient this month and proposed that Elizabeth Barstock be given the award for February.

The executive agreed for the following reasons ;-

 

1.       Elizabeth had displayed her knowledge of and commitment to the VICE ideals having dealt with a member’s complaint promptly and courteously and even asked to see his membership card to ascertain he was neither an impostor or a designated nutter.

2.     She has a funny name 

ITEM 7 Everbody’s business

 

1.       Growing up night

 

A great time was had by everyone. The Secretary and Chairman were thanked for their efforts. The Chairman confirmed that the results of the VICE True Love Questionnaire were available.

 

2.     Future events

 

The Chairman explained that we had come into possession of a dozen lethal mortar bombs and were proposing to have a mid summer barbecue on Llanmadoc beach to let them off. The proposed date would be announced shortly.

 

3.     New members

 

Welcome to :-

 

Brian Thickens ( made up name ).

 

George Thomas ( stolen name ).

 

Martin Jenkins ( alias Starvin Marvin )

 

Ron Burgess ( alias Budgie the milkman )

 

Budgie ( alias Budgie the postman )

 

All these members are instructed to complete an application form and submit to the Secretary asap

 

Finally the Chairman asked the MLO , on behalf of all of VICE and it’s members to convey our best wishes to Rob Seaward and to wish him a speedy recovery. ( Rob is off sick because he got too pissed in Ireland ).

 

The meeting ended about the same time as the England game which nobody was watching.

 

DATE of NEXT MEETING

 

2nd March after Wales loose to Italy ( BE THERE IT SHOULD BE GOOD )