MINUTES
OF THE VICE MEETING SATURDAY 16TH FEBRUARY 2001
Ordinary Members
The
Chairman opened the meeting after the Wales V France match which the frogs
norrowly won by cheating.
He
began by thanking the members for attending but was rudely interrupted by the
Landlord who said he had been instructed to put some flowers on the table. He
then produced a packet of McDougals self raising and a packet of cornflour. The
Chairman thanked him for his kind gesture but subsequently removed the items as
someone suggested having a flour fight.
Apologies
were received from the Social Secretary ( but not his wife ) who explained he
had to go on a freebie to the match. It was agreed that he should spread the
freebies around a bit in future.
Someone
asked why the member without brain had not tendered his apologies. The Chairman
explained that he has been kicked out forever for bringing VICE into disrepute
and for not buying his round.
The
MLO suggested that the minutes of the last meeting bore no resemblance to the
issues discussed. This was agreed and the Secretary explained that he couldn’t
remember what went on having consumed copious amounts of Addlestone’s prior to
the meeting. To get himself off the hook he proposed that the minute be
re-written to read that “ the minutes are not a true record of the last
meeting “.
This
was seconded by the new member with a beard who wasn’t at the last meeting and
agreed by the executive.
It
was agreed that there could be no matters arising because if there were they
would have to be matters relating to minutes that were recorded as a true record
but the minutes had been agreed not to be a true record of the last meeting so
matters arising from those minutes would either be matters related to a true or
not true record of the meeting and since no-one could remember anything about
the last meeting then no-one could confirm them as being a true or not true
record.
At
this point there was a short recess because the Secretary had a headache and the
Chairman took opportunity to raise a matter of the utmost importance. He
explained that the Secretary of VICE had been officially recognised as a local
hero having helped to foil an armed robbery and apprehended one of the
perpetrators. The official recognition had come in the form of an award of some
£ 100 given to the member from public funds by the Judge handling the case. The
Chairman further explained that the Secretary had immediately donated the money
to the Vice charity fund. He then asked the members, in the normal manner, to
show their appreciation of this stupi kind gesture. At this point one member got
carried away and broke the zip on the Secretary’s trousers.
The
Chairman further suggested that VICE should award the Secretary an amount of £
50 from the funds in recognition of his gallant act. The Secretary refused to
accept the donation but said he would prefer it if members would agree to buy
his beer and allow him to sleep with their wives. This was agreed with a request
from the MLO that if the Secretary has sex with his wife he will tell the MLO
what it’s like.
It
was also noted that another member ( Rob Cole ) had attempted to involve himself
in the apprehension of the robbers and a local newspaper had reported that “
he ( Rob ) chased the little bastard but was too fat to catch him “.
We
feel this is grossly unfair because it has since come to our attention that Rob
himself was involved in a similar incident himself some time ago and proved to
be a hero himself. The report is shown in appendix 1.
4.1
Treasurer Report
The
Treasurer confirmed that we have a few more bob in the kitty. When asked for
more detailed accounts the Treasurer appeared to take exception and left the
meeting.
4.2
Raving Ambassador
See
previous minutes – Oct, Nov, Dec, Jan - “
things are progressing “
The
executive concluded that the word progress has a different interpretation
depending upon whether you are a Kiwi or a normal person.
4.3
Treasurer :- continued
The
Treasurer returned to the meeting with a piece of paper upon which was written
either £ 37.50 or £ 3.75.
4.4
Management Liaison Officer
The
MLO reading from the back of a dirty beer mat raised the following matters :-
1
Ventilation
Some
member has been whinging about the lack of ventilation in the bar. The MLO
explained that he was unable to confirm the member’s name because there was so
much smoke around he couldn’t see him. It was decided that smoke is good for
you and adds to the ambience of the place so the matter was dropped.
2
Beer
Some
other member has complained that the beer tastes like piss. It was decided to
instruct the member concerned to appear before the executive to explain how he
knows what piss tastes like.
3
Staff Complaint
The
MLO has received a complaint from some of the less appreciative members of
staff. They claim they are stressed because customers turn up in groups of 2 or
3 instead of one at a time which makes it difficult for them to remember what
people are ordering. They have requested that customers are more “ spaced out
“.
The
executive agreed on 3 initiatives to rectify this problem :-
1.
VICE will run classes entitled “ Improving your memory will raise your
IQ to 4 “
2.
Free cannabis will be issued to all VICE members to ensure they are
suitably spaced out.
3.
A ticket machine will be installed ( similar to the one on Tescoes meat
counter ) so that customers can take a ticket and wait their turn. It was
considered unreasonable however for VICE members to be inconvenienced in this
way so each member is to be issued with a roll of tickets all bearing the number
1.
The
rest of the pond scum can queue for their beer.
One
member ( who shall not be named ) has agreed to steal a machine for us.
4
Member complaint
The
MLO reported that one of the members ( J.L. )
had complained that “ Committee members are not taking ordinary members
seriously “.
The
executive regard this as a very contentious issue not just because of the
allegation against committee members but also because this member thinks that
VICE should be serious !!
The
following members were called before the executive to answer charges brought
against them :-
1. Mr
Jeff Bowen
Charge
: Failure to undertake official duties commensurate with his post
Mr
Bowen has occupied the post of Recruitment Officer for the past 3 months and
during that time has recruited no-one. On presenting himself to the executive Mr
Bowen physically attacked the Chairman accusing him of being a “ lying bastard
“. In his defence Mr Bowen claimed he had called at over 200 houses trying to
recruit members. Unfortunately none had agreed to join but he did sell 145
satellite dishes. The member then continued to insult the executive with
numerous pathetic excuses none of which were deemed acceptable.
It was
decided that Mr Bowen be given 30 minutes to recruit someone or he would be
immediately expelled.
2. Mr
David Evans
Charge
: Being too serious
Mr
Evans has been granted provisional membership only because he completed his
application form in a proper and serious manner. In his defence Mr Evans
explained that when presented with his application form he didn’t have his
glasses. He then proceeded to blame J.L. who he claimed filled it in for him.
After some discussion the executive concluded that the explanation had
considerable merit given that JL was already on a “ Being too serious “
charge. However,in order to convince the executive that he could be jovial Mr
Evans was instructed to tell a joke. Although the joke was both unfunny and
incomprehensible the executive decided to abandon the matter because at that
point an overly excited Mr Bowen interrupted the proceedings.
Mr Jeff
Bowen – continued
Mr
Bowen appeared brandishing a £1 coin and a potential recruit. It was pointed
out that as Recruitment Officer Mr Bowen should know that the annual fee is £1
for each ear i.e. £2 in total. Mr Bowen suggested cutting off one of the
potential recruit’s ears at which point the recruit became extremely
aggressive. The matter was resolved however when Mr Bowen agreed to cough up the
other quid.
The
potential recruit initially refused to sign his membership card claiming “ he
didn’t know what he was letting himself in for “. However when it was agreed
he could have the membership number 007 he agreed to comply with all the rules
and regulations especially the ones concerned with buying the committee lots of
beer. On this basis he was granted membership pending the completion of an
application form and from henceforth he will be known as Bond ( or maybe Norman
). It was further agreed that the Recruitment Officer should be put on a
probationary period to be reviewed in 2 months and that he should liase with the
Treasurer immediately in order to develop a membership list.
3 J.L.
Charges
:- Supporting the Bar Staff. Being
too serious
J.L.
had been overheard supporting the bar staff complaints ( see item 4.4 3 ) and
also criticising committee members ( see 4.4 4 )
When
asked to explain himself to the executive J.L. was clearly nervous and spoke in
a high pitched voice which resembled a juvenile who’s balls are about to drop.
The
executive took exception to this believing he was trying to take the piss and it
was decided that, in future , if any member hears him speaking in this
ridiculous voice he will be fined £1 for each occasion reported.
J.L.
did not attempt to defend himself against either of the charges preferring
instead to offer a compromise position. J.L. confirmed that if VICE agreed to
drop all charges then his wife would attend the next meeting with her breasts
fully exposed ( tits out ). He would further ensure that her nipples would be
fully erect at the time.
At this
point there was a short recess as seven members wanted to go to the toilet.
During
their absence the MLO explained that this kind gesture had been forthcoming
during the “ growing up night “ but that he believed it had now lapsed to
which J.L. replied “ no problem “.
A show
of hands was called for to which only 3 hands appeared ( we are not sure what
the other 21 hands were doing at the time ). However it was unanimously decided
to drop all charges against J.L. pending his wife’s appearance at the next
meeting.
ITEM 6 Bar Person of the month
The
Secretary reported that he believed he had identified a suitable recipient this
month and proposed that Elizabeth Barstock be given the award for February.
The
executive agreed for the following reasons ;-
1.
Elizabeth had displayed her knowledge of and commitment to the VICE
ideals having dealt with a member’s complaint promptly and courteously and
even asked to see his membership card to ascertain he was neither an impostor or
a designated nutter.
2.
She has a funny name
ITEM 7 Everbody’s business
1.
Growing up night
A great
time was had by everyone. The Secretary and Chairman were thanked for their
efforts. The Chairman confirmed that the results of the VICE True Love
Questionnaire were available.
2.
Future events
The
Chairman explained that we had come into possession of a dozen lethal mortar
bombs and were proposing to have a mid summer barbecue on Llanmadoc beach to let
them off. The proposed date would be announced shortly.
3.
New members
Welcome
to :-
Brian
Thickens ( made up name ).
George
Thomas ( stolen name ).
Martin
Jenkins ( alias Starvin Marvin )
Ron
Burgess ( alias Budgie the milkman )
Budgie
( alias Budgie the postman )
All these members are instructed to complete an application form and submit to the Secretary asap
Finally
the Chairman asked the MLO , on behalf of all of VICE and it’s members to
convey our best wishes to Rob Seaward and to wish him a speedy recovery. ( Rob
is off sick because he got too pissed in Ireland ).
The
meeting ended about the same time as the England game which nobody was watching.
DATE of
NEXT MEETING
2nd
March after Wales loose to Italy ( BE THERE IT SHOULD BE GOOD )