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Village Inn Customer Executive

Application for Membership

 

Please complete the questions below, fully and honestly. Please also attach a passport-type colour photograph. This will become the property of V.I.C.E., and may subsequently be used in "promotional" material. The Membership Committee of V.I.C.E. will give full and serious consideration to your application, before (probably) rejecting it without any reasonable explanation.

Personal Details:

Name: ...................................................         Any incriminating nicknames:  .....................................

Date of Birth:   ...................................... (don't imagine that we believe you!)

Tel. Home:  ..............................       Tel. Work:  ...........................            Tel. Mobile:  ...........................

Fax:  ........................    email:  .........................................  Web site:  ...................................................

Drinking capacity:  ............ pts./day    Shoe size:    ...............      Inside leg measurement:   ...............

 

Eligibility Criteria:

1. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of Village Inn staff/management?  Yes U  No U

2. Have you had carnal knowledge of a member of Village Inn staff/management?      Yes U  No U

3. Did you enjoy it?             Yes U  No U - - - - - - - - - - >  No, seriously!     Yes U  No  U

4. Who was it? #  ................................................................  (continue on separate sheet if necessary)

5. Do you fully support and pledge to promote the aims and objectives of V.I.C.E.#    Yes U  No U

6. Are you a Brownie? Yes U   No U

7. When did you last have (a) sex?   ......................... (b) sex with another person?            ............................

8. Has V.I.C.E. declared you a 'Designated Nutter'?             Yes  U  No  U

10. Do you drink in the Village Inn:    Twice a day  U;  Once a day  U;  Every few days  U; 
Once a week 
U;   Once a month  U;  Once a year (for the free Xmas drink) U 

 

11. If elected, how many pints do you propose to donate to the V.I.C.E. Committee's hardship fund?   At least ten: U, Five to ten: U, Withdraw my application: U

 

12. Are you prepared to provide an alibi for any member of V.I.C.E. who stays too long in
the pub? Yes
U  No U

 

13. "Occasional social incontinence is a valuable characteristic of a V.I.C.E. member" YesU NoU

Justify your response: ............................................................................................................................

................................................................................................................................................................

14. What was question 9?   ....................................................................................................................

................................................................................................................................................................

Detailed Assessment of Suitability:

1.  Why do you wish to join V.I.C.E. ?

 

 

 

2.  Why should V.I.C.E. deign to accept your application?

 

 

 

3. What most gets up your nose about the Village Inn? What changes would you propose, and why?

(continue on a separate sheet, or book, if necessary)

 

 

 

 

 

4.  Do you fancy any of the current bar staff? If so, with which one would you most like to have your evil way? Why, and in which position(s)?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5.  What incriminating facts (real or imaginary (but credible)) do you know about the management and/or staff of the Village Inn? (continue on a separate sheet, or book, if necessary)

 

 

 

 

 

 

6.  Explain how Einstein's Theory of Relativity applies to the fact that the more you drink, the faster time travels. Discuss why, conversely, the more you drink in the Village Inn, the longer it takes to get served.

 

 

 

 

 

7.  (TIE BREAKER) Complete the sentence:

"Christine is smiling because ................................................................................................................

.............................................................................................................................................................."

#1     Replies will be treated in strict confidence, and definitely not posted on the official V.I.C.E. Notice Board, for the amusement of members (honest!).

 

#  V.I.C.E. is dedicated to universal peace and harmony, for all races and creeds, except for the Management and Staff of the Village Inn, who will be wound up unmercifully at all available opportunities.