Village Inn Customer
Executive
Application for Membership
Please
complete the questions below, fully and honestly. Please also attach a
passport-type colour photograph. This will become the property of V.I.C.E.,
and may subsequently be used in "promotional" material. The
Membership Committee of V.I.C.E. will give full and serious consideration to
your application, before (probably) rejecting it without any reasonable
explanation.
Personal Details:
Name: ................................................... Any incriminating nicknames: .....................................
Date of Birth: ......................................
(don't imagine that we believe you!)
Tel. Home:
..............................
Tel. Work:
........................... Tel. Mobile: ...........................
Fax:
........................
email:
......................................... Web site:
...................................................
Drinking capacity: ............ pts./day
Shoe size:
............... Inside leg
measurement: ...............
Eligibility Criteria:
1. Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of Village Inn
staff/management? Yes U
No U
2. Have you had carnal knowledge of a member of Village Inn
staff/management? Yes U
No U
3. Did you enjoy it? Yes U
No U - - - - - - - - - - > No, seriously! Yes U
No U
4. Who was it? #
................................................................ (continue on separate sheet if necessary)
5. Do you fully support and pledge to promote the aims and objectives of V.I.C.E.# Yes U
No U
6. Are you a Brownie? Yes U No U
7. When did you last have (a) sex? ......................... (b) sex with another
person? ............................
8. Has V.I.C.E. declared you a 'Designated Nutter'? Yes
U No U
10. Do you drink in the Village
Inn: Twice a day U; Once
a day U;
Every few days U;
Once a week U;
Once a month U;
Once a year (for the free Xmas drink) U
11. If elected, how many pints do you
propose to donate to the V.I.C.E. Committee's hardship fund? At least ten: U, Five to ten: U, Withdraw my application: U
12. Are you prepared to provide an
alibi for any member of V.I.C.E. who stays too long in
the pub? Yes U No U
13. "Occasional social incontinence is a
valuable characteristic of a V.I.C.E. member" YesU NoU
Justify your response:
............................................................................................................................
................................................................................................................................................................
14. What was question 9? ....................................................................................................................
................................................................................................................................................................
Detailed Assessment
of Suitability:
1. Why do you wish to join V.I.C.E.
?
2. Why should V.I.C.E.
deign to accept your application?
3.
What most gets up
your nose about the Village Inn? What changes would you propose, and why?
(continue
on a separate sheet, or book, if necessary)
4.
Do you fancy any of the current bar staff? If so, with which one would
you most like to have your evil way? Why, and in which position(s)?
5.
What incriminating facts (real or imaginary (but credible)) do
you know about the management and/or staff of the Village Inn? (continue on a
separate sheet, or book, if necessary)
6.
Explain how Einstein's Theory of Relativity applies to the fact that the
more you drink, the faster time travels. Discuss why, conversely, the more you
drink in the Village Inn, the longer it takes to get served.
7. (TIE BREAKER) Complete
the sentence:
"Christine is smiling because
................................................................................................................
.............................................................................................................................................................."
#1 Replies
will be treated in strict confidence, and definitely not posted on the official
V.I.C.E. Notice Board, for the amusement of members (honest!).
# V.I.C.E.
is dedicated to universal peace and harmony, for all races and creeds, except
for the Management and Staff of the Village Inn, who will be wound up
unmercifully at all available opportunities.