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V.I.C.E. Press Release, 24th February 2002

Administratium: Ad

    Staff in Swansea University's new School of Engineering, including

V.I.C.E.'s Honorary Life Member, have discovered the heaviest element yet

known to science. This startling new discovery has been tentatively named

Administratium; chemical symbol Ad.

    The new element has no protons or electrons, thus having an atomic number

of zero. It does, however, have one neutron, 125 assistant neutrons, 75 vice-neutrons,

and 111 assistant vice-neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

    These 312 particles are held together by a force called morons. Since it has

no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be detected, as it

impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.

    According to the scientists and engineers involved in the study, a minute

amount of Administratium can cause a reaction to take over two weeks to

complete, when it would normally happen in less than ten seconds.

    Administratium does not decay, but instead undergoes a

reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons,

vice-neutrons, and assistant vice-neutrons exchange places. In fact, an

Administratium sample’s mass will actually increase over time, since with

each reorganisation some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming

new isotopes.

   This characteristic of "moron promotion" has caused some of the scientists

to speculate that Administratium is spontaneously formed whenever morons

reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is

referred to as the Critical Morass.

  Unfortunately, the above discoveries have so far gone unreported. An attempt

to prepare a paper describing the new element was thwarted when the

scientist concerned discovered that he did not have a pen. Upon requesting

one, he was advised to fill in a requisition form, available from the 2nd floor.

However, not having a pen, he was unable to complete the form!                                 BACK