Sunday, June 15, 2003 3:19AM Eastern
Yeah, you guessed it. Somethin' happened to me right after I made my recent post. What? The hell do you care? Haha.. Anyway.. I usually listen to this piano melody I found online a long time ago, at night before I fall asleep. It doesn't have a name or anything. It was like background music to a friend's site. Well whatever it is, it's like a sound soother. Sorta slows things down for me. One thing I noticed about myself tonight was that every person I've come across online has lied to me at least once. I forgive, forget. Don't care. But all things aside, not once did I lie to anyone out there. Or if I did, I was quick to open up to my lie. Makes me wonder why I'm not so honest with my own family. My family's the only people I really lie to. It's horrible, I know. But I don't care. So shut up and stop callin' me a bad son. I already know I am. Anyway.. It's cold. Still cold. Maybe I should take my friends advice and close my window..? Nah.. Why not? Because if I catch a cold, I'll have a real reason to feel vunerable. Haha.. I'm just kidding. I like to sleep in a cold climate. Makes it harder to wake up. Anyway.. Just wanted to let everyone who reads this to know, I'm here for you. Whatever, whoever. I'll be here if you need someone to talk to. Anytime, anywhere. Just don't be a jackass about it.. Hah, just messin'.. Alright, I'm gonna try to sleep. G'nite.
Sunday, June 15, 2003 2:46AM Eastern
I feel stranded, in time in a sense. Everyone I know, older and younger, are moving ahead with their lives.. Where I'm not standing still, moving forward or moving backward. I'm just straying off whatever path was available to me. It's like the path I chose was parallel to everyone's crossing path.. But that's sorta impossible.. If two paths are to cross, not one third path could be parallel to both.. But that's how I feel at least. I don't know what I'm doing, or what I'm going to do. I don't do what I'm told. I just sorta do what I want, within boundaries of what I'm allowed to do though.. Or at least what I can let myself get away with. It's pathetic in a sense. I'm just another kid having fun, but I've no direction. So in a sense, it's pathetic. I'm pathetic, no.. My life is. I'm well, I'm a waste of any form of intelligence. I'm looking for a handout, as usual. Worst part, I can admit yet I still don't change my ways... Depressed, that's what I am.. Don't pity me, I pity myself. You wanted me to post..? So that's what I did...End.
Thursday, June 12, 2003 11:39PM Eastern
So.. Here I am... There you are..Well technically, here I was... Got my first reaction.. Funny shit, hm? Haha.. I guess so..But I was bein' serious..:\ Thanks a bunch Faizah.. Haha..It's rainin'.. The rains nice..I think that's all I got for tonight.. Check back tomorrow! :D
Thursday, June 12, 2003 1:00AM Eastern
What makes you think I'm still alive? It's possible that I died, or am dying, from the course of time between now, and whenever now is for you're reading this. I'm sure that when people die, that their family or friends aren't thinking, "maybe I should turn off their computer and sign them off AIM?" It's quite spectacular. I could be left online for days or even weeks. Eventually I'll be signed off. But isn't it amazing.. You're reading this, and it's highly likely that I'm no longer alive. "Highly likely..?" Yes, highly likely. Haven't you been reading the last couple of entries? I have a very weak and fragile heart. As cold as it may be, one touch may cause it to shatter...
Wednesday, June 11, 2003 1:43AM Eastern
I feel the most hollow inside after I've gone through a period of hate. As long as the fire of hate burns, I don't feel any remorse. But once that fire disappears into thin air, it seems as if that fire took the oxygen with it. Can't breath.. I feel horrible, "how could have I acted in such a hateful manner? Why is it that something that seems so trivial can push me to the edge?" I want to apologize, but I have no one to apologize to, but myself. And I cannot forgive myself. It's not the first time, but I'm sure you've figured that out. It takes time for me to come to my senses. Although I feel depressed, sad, and angry at myself. I also tend to make much more sense out of my surroundings.. Such as descriptions. Such a warm night, but a cold heart conquers all physical feelings. I sleep with the window that is beside me, slightly open. I also pull the shade up just enough as for wind to pass through. But also to make sure the morning sun wakes me up. Ironic, it is that I regret ever leaving it open a bit, but I continue to do so every night. It's late, I should sleep. My body is somewhat worn out, but I continue to jot down my thoughts. Damn spacebar.. Ain't what it used to be. Anyway.. I wish not to ask for forgiveness, but I wish for all the pain felt to go away. My existence may not be as important to you, as yours is to me. But I can't seem to let go. I live in pain, sorrow, and regret. Yet I can manage to laugh, smile, and love. This is a side of me that many do not encounter. I act the older, mature yet still likes to have fun kinda guy. But deep down, I'm just another depressed and stressed out college student.. If that. I was usually afraid to show all my sides, but now I figure I shouldn't be so afraid. Because if whom I hold close to me cannot accept this side of me, then why should they be allowed to accept my other side. No one deserves to be locked away in their own corner. I'm sure, or at least I hope, that many of you that come across this have that side. That hidden desire to just let it all out. Whether it be love, hate, or just plain carelessness. I hope to get some sort of reaction. I'd rather feel awkward not to, because then it just feels as no one's reading. Or if they are, their just creeped out. Haha.. Don't be, I'm still the same guy you know. I'm just letting you get to know me better. Anyway.. (2nd time, right? Heh..) I'm hurting inside. Sounds pathetic, but I'm sure many of you are also. I'm just allowing you to be aware of it. Am I looking for sympathy? Pity? No, I'm just looking for someone to confide in. But I already have, and that's this empty shell of an HTML page. Considerably, myself. I can keep going, it's kinda awkward. How I can continue to write about nothing, but when it comes to an essay my mind runs blank, haha.. I'm sure you're the same. I was always good with writing, not as good with others. I always took longer with my papers, and essays. Or at least took longer with the ones I actually did. But I would bet money that my writings had more depth and feeling than the majority of the rest. As hollow as I may be, or may not seem. I have much to tell, like a story. Maybe I should write a book? No, maybe I should just publish a journal of sort? Nah, those are horrible ideas. I should just stick to what I'm good at.... Wait, what am I good at..? (I mean really..)Once it was giving out advice, now it's like I should be taking my own. Technology? Computers? There are thousands of people who are better at it than me. I'm just a mediocre. I'm alone. I may be surrounded by friends and family, but I'm alone. Aren't we all, alone? Isolation is something that everyone wants at one time or another. But I'm sure we're all alone deep down. Just looking for someone to be alone with us. I believe saying, "I love you", is another way of saying, "I want you to be alone, with me." I probably seem eccentric to you by now. But do me a favor and keep reading. Thanks. Why is it that we must rely on eachother? "It's in human nature." Well, obviously. But can we not overcome human nature? There are certain aspects of life we just cannot simply ignore, such as eating. We must eat to live, therefore we cannot stop eating. But can we not eat by ourselves? What is it we must rely on someone else for? Being human, means being different. But as different as one can be, everyone can do whatever another person does. So cannot a human be self sufficient? But relying on others is human. But isn't relying on others mean you're not alone? And doesn't being alone cause self sufficiency? But relying on others is.. Human. Wow, tied in a nice and neat knot..Is it not? As complex as a person can be, they are also very simple. Call it a generalization, or whatever. It's still simple. Just because something can be made general, does not mean it isn't complex. Everything can be broken down, causing complexity, but everything can also be generalized, causing simplicity. Alright well, I just noticed I jumped around from topic to topic. Started out at how sorry I am. And ended up talking about useless information. I don't feel like reading through to figure out how, so feel free to do so yourself. This is where I head out..Goodnight..For now.
Tuesday, June 10, 2003 10:24PM Eastern
When you get down to it, every human being has an innermost hatred for all existence. Sounds horribly unrealistic, doesn't it? But just listen for sec, before you start calling names. Consider everyone you have ever known, or know currently. Even consider people you don't know. I'm sure there's not one person whom you can say is entirely "good". I'm also sure you can name at least one thing you don't like about everyone you know. Now take that one thing, and apply to just how many people you are aware of. It accumulates to drastic proportions. I know, you're probably thinking, "but what about the good things? don't they out-weigh the bad?" You're not entirely wrong. But think about the fact that one bad trait outweighs numerous good traits. Now back to business, drastic proportions. (This is where the Info ended, and I began using the webpage) Sorry, about cutting you off. The Info space only allows you 1024 characters. Including HTML and such.What a drag, huh? Well anyway... Accumulating in one's heart, mind, and soul. Now just take a look at yourself, deep down. You looking deep down..? Ok, this is the interesting part... Haha, just messing, it's all interesting. Anyway, all of these feelings accumulated, undoubtedly out-weigh all the "good" in one's body and mind. Want me to prove it,hmm? You sure? Cuz' after I do, you're gonna feel pret-ty bad... Well, I warned ya. Take the best thing about your life.. Your wife or husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, or even both, family, best friend, just whatever. Whatever means the most to you in your life. Now take it away in the most demeaning manner possible.. Your girlfriend/boyfriend cheated on you, and spat in your face about it. Someone horribly murdered your spouse, just for pleasure. Your family turned you away because you have shamed them. Hopefully, you've got my point by now. Now, in that type of situation. You either want to die, want everyone else to die, or want everything back the way it was. Now for a couple scenarios, you're probably saying, "No, I just want the murderer dead." Nuh uh, cuz' with his/her death, you probably want to kill whomever else was involved. Or so on. Scary.. Ain't it? And if you aren't scared, I'm sure you're just another complex minded fool such as myself. Oh and no, I'm not done yet. But I am getting tired :\. Let me just plug my old friend Meg. Haven't talked to you in years, but I'll have to say. I owe all my mental maturity to you. Hope you're living. Anyway, back to the matter at hand. Yes, we are all evil deep down. I'm sure this has been pointed out in numerous ways. But I'm sure no one takes it as seriously as you should. And I figured I might be the friend that points it out. Oh, and I'm sure you didn't see it comin' from the love struck, confused as hell, broke, homeless Sheraz M. Syed. Ok, so I'm not homeless, I am broke.. although I may look rich. Lookin' good just doesn't pay as it used to.. Sigh.. Anyway....Wow, that's the 4th time I said that word. (I counted :D) Gotta dive into a dictionary for synonyms... Or not. ANYWAY, (Haha.. 5!) I think I've made this my personal journal. Or so it seems. Well, whenever I feel a wise and exploring insight, I'll hit the keyboard... A lot more than once at that. Ok, I'm gone for now. If you're looking to chat, feel free.