1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of
the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the
salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and
helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store
whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that
makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell
people that they're 'astronaut food'.
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while
reading aloud from 'Dianetics.'
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular tv is
labeled black and white and insist that it's a
color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange
look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?'
13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool
department of Sears.
14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose
as a fashion dummy in clothes departments,
occasionally screaming without warning.
15. Test mattresses in your pajamas.
16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full
17. If you're patient, stare intently into a
surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from
side to side.
18. Sprint up the down escalator.
19. Stare at static on a display tv and challenge
other shoppers whether they, too, can see the
20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any tvs
that play only in Spanish.
21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda.
22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department
how well a particular saw cuts through bone.
23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk
discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much
meat on them.
24. Hula dance by the demonstration air
25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist.
26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter
and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de
27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the
candy store, insisting that you lost a contact
28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of
panties matches the color of your beard.
29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong
voice, 'I see London, I see France...'
30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new
pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking
31. Play the tuba for change.
32. Record belches on electronic sampling
keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle
Bells for admiring onlookers.
33. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which
leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked
34. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether
they have 'any giant stuff made out of straw'.
35. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the
fake fireplace display.
36. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand
them out as religious tracts.
37. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and
someone to push you around in it.
38. Change every tv in the electronics department
to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant
the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if
anyone tries to switch channels on one of the
39. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furrniture department wearing a Navy uniform.
Occasionally run around in circles yelling
'scratch one flattop!'
40. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing
room attendant and scornfully announce that none
of them are 'leakproof'.
41. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the
arcade. Make lots of explosion noises.
42. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing
your head up and down.
43. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar
bills to provoke arguments over whether they're
44. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit
on *your* lap.
45. Answer any unattended service phones that ring
in department stores and say 'Domino's.'
46. Try on flea collars at the pet store while
occasionally pausing to scratch yourself.
47. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your
48. Show people your driver's license and demand
to know 'whether they've seen this man.'
49. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return
fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth,
and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet.