PROFILE


My Statement: i do what i want
Now playing on the jambox: Dream Theater, The Mars Volta, Head Automatica, The Strokes
Now playing on my small screen: Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
Freestyle Raps: yankees suck, you stupid fucks, arrogant fans, named joey pots n pans, write fat checks for someone who can pitch, this year you can eat my shit, jeter is gay, a-rod takes it up the A, look out for posada's ears, maybe next year, shef thinks the sox don't know how to win, make sure you wash that syringe, you juiced up cow, the curse ends now, worst ever playoff beating, get down to tampa asap for an emergency meating
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i'm not afraid of heights; i'm afraid of widths.
curiousity killed the cat, but for a while i was in questioning.
i talk to myself a lot. it bothers people though cuz i use a megaphone.
every once and a while i like stick my head out my window, look up at the sky, and smile for a satellite picture.
i have a map of the united states. it's actual size. it says one mile equals one mile. people ask me where i live and i say E5.
my friend sent me a postcard with a picture of the earth on it. on the back is said, "wish you were here?"
i keep my phone in a shoebox under my bed. sometimes i take it out and see if anyone calls. one time i dropped the box on the floor and the phone wouldn't stop ringing, so i had to disconnect it. i went to get a new phone, but i didn't have much money, so i had to get an irregular phone. it had no 5 on it. i ran into a good friend of mine and he said, "why don't you ever call me anymore?" i said, "i can't just call whoever i want anymore. my phone has no 5." he said, "whoa, that's weird. how long have you had it?" i said, "i dunno, my calendar doesn't have any 7's."
i like to fill up the tub and turn the shower on and pretend i'm in a submarine that's been hit.
i saw this really beautiful girl in a bar, so i went over and said, "do you live around here often?" she said, "you know you're wearing two different colored socks?" i said, "ya but they're not different to me cuz i go by thickness. she said, "how do you feel?" and i said, "you know that feeling where you tip back in a chair too far and almost fall but at the last second you catch yourself? i feel like that all the time."
one time i couldn't find my socks, so i called information. the operator picked up and i said, "hello operator, i can't find my socks." the operator said, "they're behind the couch." and there they were...
it was my birthday recently. for my birthday i got a humidifier and a dehumidifier. i put them in the same room and let them fight it out. then i filled my humidifier with wax. now my room is all shiny.
i went to a museum where they had all the heads and arms of the statues that are in all the other museums.
i was going to canada once. i crossed the border and border patrol asked me if i had any firearms. i said "whaddaya need?"
years ago i worked in a natural organic health food store in seattle, washington, and one day a man walked in and he said, "if i melt dry ice can i swim without getting wet?" i said, "i dunno, let me ask tony." two days later i was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight bosco on the job. so i figured i'd leave the area, cuz i had no ties there anyway, except for this girl i was seeing. we had conflicting attitudes. i really wasn't into meditation, she really wasn't into being alive. i told her i knew when i was gonna die cuz my birth certificate has an expiration date on it. i decided to leave and go to california. so i packed up my salvador dali print of two blindfolded dental hygenists trying to make a circle on an etch-a-sketch. i headed for the highway and began hitching. within three minutes i got picked up by one of those huge trailor trucks carrying twenty brand-new cars. i climbed up the side of the cab and i opened the door and the guy said, "i don't have much room in here. why don't you get in one of the cars in back." so i did. he was really into picking up people cuz he picked up nineteen more. we all had our own cars. then he went ninety miles per hour and we all got speeding tickets.
i once got home so late it was the next night. i accidentally put my car keys in the door and started up the building. so i drove it around for a while. i parked in the middle of the freeway and told all the other cars to get the hell outta my driveway. no one in my building realized the building had moved cuz everyone in my building is completely insane. the guy above me tried to rob a department store with a pricing gun. the lady next to me makes synthetic furballs for cats. my building is great though cuz everyone has pets. i have a pony. i like to ride it into my kitchen. sometimes it slips on the tiles. a couple years ago it was involved in a weird electrolysis accident. it lost all of it's hair except for it's tail. now i rent him out to Hary Krishna family reunions.
my friend george is a radio announcer. whenever he walks under a bridge you can't hear him. george is great thought. both his parents were midgets, but he's not a midget. he's a midget dwarf. he poses for trophies.
i once saw a man with wooden legs and real feet.
i once saw a man with sideburns behind his ears.
i got arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli. i sold a #3 for 28 bucks.
why is it a penny for your thoughts but you have to put your two cents in? someone's making a penny.
i won this great deal for a ski trip. it was 2 weeks in england, then 1 night in connecticut, then 2 weeks in england. so i was on the ski lift and this guy sitting next to me says "i haven't skiied in a long time" and i said "how come?" and he says "i was in prison" and i asked "why?" and he said that he'd pushed a man off a ferris wheel and i said "hey! i remember you!"
i like to tease my plants when i water them. i water them with ice cubes.
i bought some powdered water but i don't know what to add.
i put instant coffee into a microwave oven and almost went back in time..
you can't have everything. where would you put it?
instead of a night light i got a search light. it goes back and forth. now i have to try to go to the bathroom without getting caught.
the other day i got on this elevator and this old guy got on with me. i was over near the buttons, i pushed number four, and i said, "where you goin?" and he said, "phoenix." so i pushed phoenix. doors open, two tumbleweeds blow in. we stepped off. we were in downtown phoenix. i said, "ya know, you're the kinda guy i'd really like to hang around with." he said, "well, i'm goin out to the desert, you wanna go?" i said, "sure." so we hopped in his car and started driving out for the desert. he told me he spent most of his life working on a research project for the government trying to find out who financed the pyramids. he worked on it thirty years and they paid him an incredible amount of money. he told me he was pretty sure it was a guy named eddie. we got out to his house, five hundred miles in the middle of the desert, the phone rings, and he says, "you get it." so i went over and i picked it up, and a man says, "steven wright?" i said, "yes." he said,"this is mr. haynes, your student loan director from your bank." i said, "yeah?" he said, "you're sixty-two bank payments behind. the file we obtained from the institute you attended said they recieved none of the $17,000 we loaned you. we'd really like to know what you did with it. i said, "well, mr. haynes, i'm not gonna lie to you. i gave the money to my friend jigs casey, and he built a nuclear weapon with it. i'd really appreciate it if you wouldn't call me anymore."
and i'm getting really sick of guys named todd. it's just a goofy fuckin name. "hi what's your name?" "TODDDDDDDDD! and this is blake and blair and blain and brent" where are all these goofy fuckin boys names coming from?! taylor, tyler, jordan, flynn?! these are not real names! wanna hear a real name? eddie. eddie is a real name, what ever happened to eddie, he was here a minute ago?! joey and jackie and johnny and phil, bobby and tommy and danny and bill, what happened? TODDDDDDDD! and cody and dylan and cameron and tucker. "HI TUCKER! I'M TODD!" "HI TODD, I'M TUCKER!" fuck tucker, tucker sucks. and fuck tucker's friend kyle. there's another soft name for a boy: kyle. soft names make soft people. i'll bet you anything that ten times outta ten nicky, vinny, and tony will beat the shit outta todd, kyle, and tucker.