Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, "What is wrong with you?" Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed." Adam asked God, "What will a woman like this cost?" God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "What can I get for just a rib?" the rest is history.
Q: What did one cannibal say to another cannibal while eating a clown?
A: Does this taste funny to you?
Football Players Exam
COLLEGE ENTRANCE EXAM - FOOTBALL PLAYERS' VERSION
1. What language is spoken in France?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions -OR- give the first name of Pierre Trudeau.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to:
(a) build a bridge
(b) sail the ocean
(c) lead an army or
(d) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope?
(a) Jewish
(b) Catholic
(c) Hindu
(d) Polish
(e) Agnostic (check only one)
5. Metric conversion: How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 5?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far north called?
(a) Westerners
(b) Southerners
(c) Northerners
9. Spell: Bush, Carter, and Clinton
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
(a) Macy's
(b) 7-11
(c) Canada
(d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
(a) yes
(b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS.
16. Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
(a) New York
(b) Florida
(c) Canada
(d) Wisconsin
18. Advanced math. If you have three apples how many apples do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
(a) B.C.
(b) A.D.
(c) still waiting
21. The first President of the U.S. was:
(a) Bill Clinton
(b) Julius Caesar
(c) Hillary Clinton
(d) George Washington
(e) all of the above
Label Instructions
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap.
On a child's superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use.
On a Korean kitchen knife: Warning keep out of children.
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On a Swedish chain saw: Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery.
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness.
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body.
On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts.
On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping.
On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: Defrost.
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert: Do not turn upside down. (printed on bottom of the box)
Driving Under the Influence
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving-under- the-influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then the man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. By this time everyone had left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. However, the police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. With a smile on his face, the driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy!"
Gods Vacation
God decides it's time he has a vacation. So he asks St. Peter for his assistance. St. Peter says, "Why don't you go to Mercury?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 25,000 years ago and got the worst sunburn of my life." St. Peter says, "How about Pluto?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 10,000 years ago, broke my leg skiing." St. Peter says, " How about earth?" "Oh no!" says God, "I went there 2,000 years ago knocked up some Jewish chick and I've been hearing about it ever since".
Personal Ads
Excerpted from the book "A Collection of Personal Ads From Alternative Newspapers," by Skippy Williams and Zohre Crumpton, 1996, Simon and Schuster:
Bitter, unsuccessful middle aged loser wallowing in an unending sea of inert, drooping loneliness looking for 24 year old needy leech-like hanger-on to abuse with dull stories, tired sex and Herb Alpert albums.
Me--trying to sleep on the bus station bench, pleading with you to give me a cigarette; you--choking on my odor, tripping over your purse trying to get away; at the last moment, our eyes meeting. Yours were blue. Can I have a dollar?
Imp and angel. Disembodied head in jar, 24, seeks pixie goddess to fiddle with while Rome burns. You bring marshmallows. No. I make joke. You like laugh? I like comebacks and confessions. Send photo of someone else.
I am spitting kitty. Ftt Fttttttt. I am angry bear. Grrrrr. I am large watermelon seed stuck in your nose. Zermmmmmmmmmm. I am small biting spider in your underwear. Yub yub yub. No mimes.
Three toed mango peeler searching for wicked lesbian infielder. Like screaming and marking territory with urine? Let's make banana enchiladas together in my bathtub. You bring the salsa.
Mongoloid spastic underwear model with extra limb (you guess where?) in search of bottlenosed dolphin and extra prickly cactus juice. Soup is good food.
Angry, simple-minded, balding, partially blind ex-circus flipper boy with a passion for covering lovers in sour cream and gravy seeks exotic, heavily tattooed piercing fanatic, preferably hairy, either sex, for whippings, bizarre sex and fashion consulting. No freaks.
I like eating mayonnaise and peanut butter sandwiches in the rain, watching Barney Miller reruns, peeing on birds in the park and licking strangers on the subway; you eat beets raw, have climbed Kilimanjaro, and sweat freely and often. Must wear size five shoes.
Timber! Falling downward is the lumber of my love. You grind your axe of passion into my endangered headlands. Don't make me into a bureau. I want to be lots and lots of toothpicks.
Small lumpy squid monkey seeks healthy woman with no identifying scars, any age. Must have all limbs. Recommend appreciation of high-pitched, screeching noises. Must like being bored and lonely. Must not touch the squids, EVER.
Mmmm Pez! Rabid Wonder Woman fan looking for someone in satin tights, fighting for our rights and the old red, white 'n blue. You look like Linda Carter? Big plus. Know all words to theme song? Marry me.
Remember that summer you spent with your parents in Hawaii and how mad you were that they made you go? And how you were hopelessly bored until you saw the most gorgeous man you'd ever encountered strolling down the beach looking at you, skillfully removing your skimpy bikini with his piercing eyes? And how you spent the last month imagining him taking you in every possible way, masturbating feverishly day and night, wishing he would reappear, but he never did because you were 15 and he would have gone to jail? That was me, and you just turned 18.
The Confession
Eddie visits his church to confess. He sits down in the confessional and says, "Forgive me father for I have sinned. I have used foul language, and took the Lord's name in vain." The priest says, "It's OK son. Tell me what happened." Eddie says, "Well father, I was golfing with my buddy. We're very competitive. It was the 18th hole and we were tied. His tee shot went straight down the fairway and my tee shot went into the rough."
The priest says, "Oh I see, you were angry with your shot and cursed." "No father, I didn't curse at that time. My buddy's next shot reached the green, my next shot went into the sand." The father chuckles and says, "Well, one can see why you were angry then. Is this when you took the Lord's name in vain?" "Not then father. My shot from the sand landed 2 inches from the cup. So close!"
The priest says, "Oh my. I see why you were so angry. So that's when you started cursing?" "No, father, not then." There was a moment of silence, then the priest says, "You mean you missed that motherfucker?"
Bedroom Golf
THE RULES FOR BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club & two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For the most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to measure the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the course, with special attention to the well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled. Particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume that the course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More experienced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; However, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
16. Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.