There was this elderly couple, and the next day was their 75th wedding anniversary. So the wife decided to do something special for it.
The next morning, the wife came down completely naked and sat down at the breakfast table.
Then she says "Honey, after 75 years you still make me hot."
And he says "That's because one's in the coffee and the other's in the oatmeal."
A guy is stranded on a desert island all alone for ten
years. One day he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks
to himself, "It's not a ship." The speck gets a little
closer and he thinks, "It's not a boat." The speck gets
even closer and he thinks, "It's not a raft." Then,
out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman wearing
a wet suit and scuba gear.
She comes up to the guy and she says, "How long has
it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years!", he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her
left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says,
"Man, oh man! Is that good!"
Then she asked, "How long has it been since you've had
a drink of whiskey?"
He replies, "Ten years!" She reaches over, unzips her
waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and
gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, "Wow!
That's fantastic!"
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs
down the front of her wet suit and she says to him,
"And how long has it been since you've had some REAL
fun?"
And the man replies, "My God! Don't tell me you've got
a computer in there?"
Leroy is an 18 year old ninth grader who is becoming
increasingly disillusioned with the public school system...
One day Leroy got an easy homework assignment. All
he had to do was put each of the following words in
a sentence. This is the work Leroy accomplished.
1. HOTEL - I gave my girlfriend da crabs and the HOTEL
everybody.
2. RECTUM - I had two Cadillacs, but my ol' lady RECTUM
both.
3. DISAPPOINTMENT - My parole officer tol me if I miss
DISAPPOINTMENT they gonna send me back to the big house.
4. FORECLOSE - If I pay alimony dis month, I'll have
no money FORECLOSE.
5. CATACOMB - Don King was at the fight the other night,
Man, somebody give that CATACOMB.
6. PENIS - I went to the doctor and he handed me a cup
and said PENIS.
7. ISRAEL - Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said
Man, that looks fake. He said, No, ISRAEL.
8. UNDERMINE - There is a fine lookin' hoe livin' in
the apartment UNDERMINE.
9. STAIN - My mother-in-law axed if I was STAIN for
dinner again.
10. SELDOM - My cousin gave me two tickets to the Knicks
game, so I SELDOM.
11. ODYSSEY - I told my bro, you ODYSSEY the tits on
this hoe.
12. HORDE - My sister got in trouble cause she HORDE
around in school.
13. INCOME - I just got in bed wit tis hoe and INCOME
my ol' lady.
14. FORTIFY - I axed da hoe how much? And she said FORTIFY.
15. ACOUSTIC - When I was 11, my uncle bought me ACOUSTIC
and then he took me to da pool hall.
16. IRAQ - When we gots to the pool hall, I tol' my
uncle, IRAQ you break.
17. HONOR - At our rape trial, the judge axed my buddy
who be HONOR first.
18. TRIPOLI - My 'ol lady wants a bra for her birthday,
but I couldn't find no 44 TRIPOLI.
LEROY got an "A" for his work.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received
on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's
driving school
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing
the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
--------------------------
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach
a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper
sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
--------------------------
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
--------------------------
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested
for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
--------------------------
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you
could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
--------------------------
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or
being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
--------------------------
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic
light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
--------------------------
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
--------------------------
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
A man who went to Church with his wife always fell asleep
during the sermon. The wife decided to do something
about this and one Sunday took a long hat pin along
to poke him with it every time he would doze off. As
the preacher got to a part in the sermon where he shouted
out "... and who created all there is in 6 days and
rested on the 7th?" she poked her husband, who came
flying out of the pew and screamed "Good God all mighty".
The minister said "That's right, that's right" and went
on with his sermon. The man sat back down, muttering
under his breath, and later began to doze off again
when the minister got to "... and who died on the cross
to save us from our sins?" the wife hit him again and
he jumped up and shouted "Jesus Christ". The Minister
said, "That's right, that's Right" and went on with
his sermon.
The man sat back down and began to watch his wife and
when the minister got to, "...and what did Eve say to
Adam after the birth of their second child?", the wife
started to poke the husband but he jumped up and said,
"If you stick that damn thing in me again I'll break
it".
One year, at Duke, there were these two guys who were
taking Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the
quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going
into the final they had a solid A. These two friends
were so confident going into the final that the weekend
before finals week (even though the Chemistry final
was on Monday), they decided to go up to UVirginia and
party with some friends up there. So they did this
and had a great time.
However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept
all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until
early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final
then, what they did was to find Professor Bonk after
the final and explain to him why they missed the final.
They told him that they went up to UV for the weekend,
and had planned to come back in time to study, but that
they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have
a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so
were late getting back to campus.
Bonk thought this over and then agreed that they could
make up the final on the following day. The two guys
were elated and relieved.
So, they studied that night and went in the next day
at the time that Bonk had told them. He placed them
in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet
and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem,
which was something simple about molarity and solutions
and was worth 5 points.
"Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They
did that problem and then turned the page. They were
unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
It said:
(95 points) Which tire?