1. Sharp as a marble.
2. The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
3. A few clowns short of a circus.
4. A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
5. An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
6. A few beers short of a six-pack.
7. Dumber than a box of hair.
8. A few peas short of a casserole.
9. Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
10. One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
11. One taco short of a combination plate.
12. A few feathers short of a whole duck.
13. All foam, no beer.
14. The cheese slid off his cracker.
15. Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel.
16. Has an IQ of 2, and it takes 3 to grunt.
17. Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
18. Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
19. He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
20. An intellect rivaled only by that of garden tools. 21. As smart as bait.
22. Chimney's clogged.
23. Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
24. Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
25. Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor.
26. Forgot to pay his brain bill.
27. Her sewing machine is out of thread.
28. His antenna doesn't pickup all the channels.
29. His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
30. If he had another brain, it would be lonely.
31. Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
32. No grain in the silo.
33. Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
34. Receiver is off the hook.
35. Several nuts short of a full pouch.
36. Skylight leaks a little.
37. Slinky is kinked.
38. Surfing in Nebraska.
39. Strong, like a bear...Smart, like a tractor.
THE POOPIE LIST
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your ass 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!
THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE UGLY
Good: Your wife is pregnant
Bad: It's triplets
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: /b> Your son is finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross-dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Good: Your son is dating someone new
Bad: It's another man
Ugly: He's your best friend
Good: Your daughter got a new job
Bad: As a hooker
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do
NATURAL HIGHS -
1. Falling in Love
2. Laughing so hard your face hurts
3. A hot shower
4. No lines at the Super Target
5. The presence of God
6. Lying in bed listening to the rain outside.
7. A chocolate milkshake
8. A care package
9. The beach
10. Finding a $20 bill in your coat from last winter.
11 Laughing at yourself.
12. Laughing for no reason at all.
13. Having someone tell you that your beautiful
14. Inside jokes
15. Accidentally overhearing someone say something nice about you
16. Waking up and realizing you still have a few hours to sleep.
17. Late night talks with your roommate that keep you from sleeping.
18. Having someone play with your hair
19. Swinging on swings
20. Forehead kisses
21. A spontaneous hug from a kid
22. Realizing for the first time you love someone no matter how they
feel towards you
23. When you finally realize what you want
24. Making people SMILE
25. Having that part on your back that you can't reach scratched
26. Taking a midnight swim in the summertime
27. A crush
28. Having a group of friends around that you can have just a good
time with sitting at home playing a heated game of trivial pursuit as
opposedto a big night on the town.
29. Coloring
30. Life
31. Realizing that you mean just as much to someone else as they mean
to you
32. Having someone special, unexpectedly, waiting for you at the airport
after a long trip.
33. The smell of fresh cut grass
34. Reuniting with friends after a long time apart.
35. Meeting someone new, and knowing instantly that they will be a friend.
36. Making eye contact with a stranger, smiling and having the smile
returned.
37. Lying on your back with your cat lying on your stomach on his back.
38. Doing great in a sport, and having your whole family up in the stands
acting as your personal fan club
39. Having the house to yourself once in a while
40. Spending time with the special people in your life
41. Cuddling with someone you really like
42. Roasting marshmallows over a scented candle with a friend just so
you can have a s'more
43. Laying outside in your backyard watching the stars
44. Being crazy and suddenly realize that there's hope for you.
45. When you and your boyfriend are lying on the beach watching the
waves and the big white moon
46. When you finally realize that you have forgiven someone who hurt you
47. Looking into your child's eyes for the first time
48. Dusk, especially in the summertime
49 Knowing you've done your best
50 Picking up your child from daycare/school and having them fly right
into your arms with a great big hug and kiss.
51 Realizing after 10+ years of marriage that you are still totally in
love with your spouse and wouldn't change a thing.
52 Sleeping under a big fluffy down comforter and waking up to the first
snow of the year.
53. Playing in the snow with your children.
54. Discovering that the "baggage" you've been carrying around all your
life is unforgiveness towards others and FINALLY being able to forgive
from the heart, one by one.
55. Eating chocolate on Valentine's Day and not even feeling guilty.
56. Spending a whole day doing nothing with someone you love and having
the feeling that you did everything.
57. Being Loved by somebody.
ok.. dis is a spooky chain letter... redY??? Like... this chain letter started in 1997... after some basketball dude died... soo ... if you don't send it to 400 peepz within the next 3 minutes... something bad will happen...
FOR EXAMPLE:
Dis kid named Herpes was walkin down the street, after ignoring dis chain letter... and alll of
a sudden... a basketball flew out of his ass!!! and he was like... "OOHH!!!! A BASKETBALL
FLEW OUT OF MY ASS!!!" ...
And then... there's this kid named PUTZ ... and he only sent it to 399 peepz... so like... all of a sudden... 399 MINI BASKETBALLS FLEW OUT OF HIS ASS !!! LIKE A MACHINE GUN!!! And thenn... a nearby victim (named atirahS) was hit by two-hundred and ninety of these 399 basketballs... and like... she died... yah... so the lesson is .... if you don't send this chainletter to 400 ppl ... you'll have basketballs flying out of yur ass... and then you'll kill yur frenz.... yea.... ok ....
SEND IT NOW!!!! WOWSERS!! I'M SO DAMN SERIOUS ABOUT THIS!!! YOUR ASS WILL HURT A LOT IF YOU DON'T SEND THIS DAMN CHAIN LETTER!!! soo.... SEND IT DAMMIT!!!!!