Weird Random Stuff

After the ceremony, they went to Jamaica on their honeymoon. Wendy was delighted with Jack's "special emblem of devotion." Their hotel had two beaches, one traditional and one nudist. After two days of the traditional beach, Wendy suggested visiting the clothing-optional beach.

As Wendy lay on her towel in the hot sun, she asked Jack if he'd bring her a cold drink. He walked across the sand to the little hut and asked the bartender, who was also naked, for two pina coladas. Jack tried not to stare, but he noticed that the bartender also had "Wy" tattooed on his penis.

"Hey," Jack said and smiled, "what a coincidence. Your girlfriend must also be named Wendy."

"Oh no, mon," the bartender said and laughed. "Mine say 'WELCOME TO JAMAICA. ENJOY YOUR STAY.'"

1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"
2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."
3. Cheer and clap loudly everytime somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."
5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh!!! My glass eye!!!"
6. Say "Damn, this water is cold."
7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantelope from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"
9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."
10.Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"
11. Say, "Interesting...more sinkers than floaters"
12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
13. Say, "C'mon Mr.Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!
14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"
15. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"
16. Play a well known song on your butt cheeks over and over again.
17.Before you unroll the toilet paper, conspicusly lay down a "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
18.Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"
19.Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

AN ARTICLE FROM THE LA TIMES*****

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil.” Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors at the Severe Burns unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew “KiKi” Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

“I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped in Raggot, our gerbil,” he explained. “As usual KiKi shouted out ‘Armageddon’, my cue that he’d had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot, but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered up the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next. “The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski’s hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil’s fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball.” Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

1. “I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum...” Ouch!
2. “So I peered into the tube.....” Aaahhh!! I’m sorry, but that’s like looking through a telescope into hell. I’d rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.
3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy’s ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel on the Rocky and Bullwinkle Show.
4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone’s ass. I’m just guessing, but I seriously doubt the said gerbil was “springtime fresh” after his little journey through KiKi’s “tunnel of love”.
5. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in their rectums.
6. People who do this type of thing and admit it when taken into the emergency room. I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving pyromaniac anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth.
7. First and second degree burns to the anus. Wouldn’t this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? How does one ever take a healthy dump after this? In addition, the smell of burning anus must be one of the top five most horrible smells on God’s green earth.
8. People named “KiKi”. It must be a Polynesian word for “Idiotic white man who inserts gerbils up his butt”.
9. What kind of hospital would hold a press conference on this?
10. This happened in Salt Lake City. What kind of people are those Mormons? I’m starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.