| Top 8 Reasons Flight is Better Than Superspeed | The Top 8 Reasons Superspeed is Better Than Flight |The Top 9 Superhero Fashion Tips | The Top 9 Problems With Having a Kid Sidekick | The Top 7 Drawbacks of Being a Kid Sidekick | The Top 9 Least Useful Super Powers | The Top 9 Signs You've Become a Second String Character | The Top 9 Reasons NYC is Where All the Superheroes Hang Out | Top 7 Things You Don't Want to Hear from your Partner in Battle | The Top 9 Signs Your Secret Identity Isn't a Secret Anymore |

The Top 8 Reasons Flight is Better Than Superspeed

(11/2/01)

8> Taking your girlfriend in your arms for a leisurely moonlight flight around the city? Very romantic. Giving her a piggyback ride around the block a few thousand times at 500 MPH? Not so romantic.

7> "Fastest Man Alive" title is not going to score points with the ladies.

6> When's the last time you saw someone trip on a banana peel at 20,000 feet?

5> "I can see my house from here" not normally heard from runners of any speed.

4> Vibrations from running on cobblestone have a tendency to knock dental fillings loose.

3> You know those times when you get high and think you can fly? Superspeed won't help you there.

2> Superspeed makes Spandex tights chafe super-fast!

And the Number 1 Reason Flight is Better Than Superspeed...

1> Those birds are right - nothing beats leaving a nice present on a freshly washed car!

The Top 8 Reasons Superspeed is Better Than Flight

(10/26/01)

8> With superspeed, you tell your sidekick trainee to run, he runs. With flying you have to spend the first 6 weeks convincing him NOT to flap his arms.

7> You know that Brady Bunch episode where Peter accidentally lined up two dates on the same night? What good would flight have done him?

6> Super speed helps you avoid the slap that inevitably follows the words, "Back off, Chester!"

5> Never late for an important meeting - heck, even if you are, reverse the spin of the earth and still be on time.

4> Anyone can buy an airplane ticket. With superspeed, I can vibrate invisibly in the girls’ shower room all day.

 3> Avoids that whole ugly air rage incident with the fat guy and his reindeer every year.

2> Both powers suck in comparison to X-ray vision. All naked babes, all the time! Boo-yah!

And the Number 1 Reason Superspeed is Better Than Flight...

1> Hey, if you think picking squashed bugs out of your teeth is a drag, try slamming face first into a Canadian goose!

The Top 9 Superhero Fashion Tips

(October 5th, 2001)

9.   Replacing last year's hand with this year's trendy new hook/harpoon combo will really turn heads!

8.  It doesn't really matter what you wear in your book, when they make your movie, you'll be wearing black.

 7.  Repair or replace your costume after every major battle; the torn-up look went out with Chaka Khan!

6.  Judicious use of color-coordinated ammo packs will spice up the blandest uniform.

5.  Unless you're Bullseye, having a big target on your chest is just asking for trouble.

4.  Add a colorful plaid to your ensemble for autumn; it'll give your costume a kicky panache *and* distract your enemies during combat!

3.  Insignia belong on the chest, head or belt buckle. Putting your logo on your codpiece is just trouble waiting to happen.

2.  A full head cowl means never having a bad hair day.

And the Number 1 Superhero Fashion Tip...

1.   Heat vision and contact lenses do NOT mix!

Bucky, Robin, Kid Flash, Wonder Girl -- sure you it's nice to have a youthful sidekick to help combat the forces of evil. But there are a few downsides...

The Top 9 Problems With Having a Kid Sidekick
(September 28th, 2001)

9.  They grow so darned fast that you have to buy them a new Kevlar-lined costume every spring and fall -- and if it doesn't have the right designer label on it, they refuse to wear it!

8.  You know in your heart that one day he'll grow up -- and kick your ass.

7.  It's just a little ego-deflating when he hops out of his mom's minivan to save you from a fiendish deathtrap.

 6.  You're just not getting a lot of crime fighting done between checking his homework, driving him to soccer practice and still having to get him in by 9 o'clock on school nights (11 PM on weekends).

5.  It's impossible to get him to come out on patrol while Dragonball Z is on.

4.  Since they don't want to be seen beating up a little kid, all of the villains concentrate their attacks on you.

3.  He's not really "youthful" anymore but still insists he's a "ward." Translation: no job.

2.  He keeps taking stuff out of your utility belt for Show & Tell.

And the Number 1 Problem With Having a Kid Sidekick...

1.  The same thing every single night: before you head out on patrol, he swears that he doesn't have to -- but 15 minutes later, you're driving around looking for a gas station.

But you know, it's no picnic being the junior partner...

The Top 7 Drawbacks of Being a Kid Sidekick
(October 1st)

7.   We almost get killed saving the world. He gets babes falling all over him. I get three days of homework to make up.

6.  School bullies don't understand the difference between superhero tights and ballet tights.

 5.  Having to wear your old Pokemon underwear outside your pants.

4.  Chasing crooks across the country requires a permission slip from your parents.

3.  It never fails: the villain captures the big heroes and gloats about his plans over dinner, and the sidekicks have to sit at a card table.

2.  What good is X-ray vision if "Captain Morality" won't let me use it on the school cheerleaders?

And the Number 1 Drawback of Being a Kid Sidekick...

1.  Do you really think all those Bat-vehicles wax themselves?

Not everyone gets the super strength, flight or invulnerable hide.
In fact, some abilities beyond those of mortal men are just not impressive...

The Top 9 Least Useful Super Powers
(September 14, 2001)

9. The ability to control Dodo birds to do your evil bidding.
8. The ability to breathe in butter.
7. Three words: Prehensile Nose Hair
6. "This is to inform you that a Cease and Desist Order has been filed against this list on behalf of our client Arthur Curry, also known as Aquaman, on the grounds that its subject matter can be construed as a direct insult with intent to cause public ridicule." ((note: I *love* this one!))
5. The uncanny ability to see through salt water taffy.
4. The ability to look about 15 lbs. overweight in spandex.
3. Able to leap really tall people in a single day.
2. The power to cloud your own mind.

And the Number 1 Least Useful Super Power...

Granted, you once had your own comic book title. You even did a cameo in Howard the Duck. But something's changed. Your book was canceled. Your merchandise is strictly bargain bin. Even guest appearances are hard to come by. It's time to face the bitter truth...

The Top 9 Signs You've Become a Second String Character
in the Comic Book World

9. Spiderman? Tobey Maguire. Wolverine? Hugh Jackman.  You? Negotiations for Tom Arnold after Bob Saget turned it down.
8. In all the promos for the big summer crossover, they keep showing your picture near the phrase "Somebody Will Die!"
7. Your assistance on a case was just refused -- by Aqualad and the Star Spangled Kid.
6. In a poll to see whether your sidekick lives or dies, 68% of the voters wanted to keep the sidekick and kill you off.
5. The only time you see any action is when your copyright is about to expire.
4. They took your action figure off the shelf at the toy store to make room for the "Carrot Top" doll.
3. Even Cave Carson and Congorilla won't return your calls. 2. At the last JLA business meeting, you had to sit at the card table with Zan and Jayna.

And the Number 1 Sign You've Become a Second String Character in the Comic Book World...

1. Although you're constantly hearing speculation that you're about to get killed off, you haven't heard a single rumor about how you'll be brought back to life.

Granted, East Podunk is not noted for super criminal activity, but that's not the only reason all the happening Crime Fighters hang their capes in the Big Apple... 9. It's the city that never sleeps! Where else can you catch a Broadway show, a Mafia boss, and the latest strain of flu in one night -- and get your tights dry-cleaned while you wait at 3:00 AM?

The Top 9 Reasons NYC is Where All the Superheroes Hang Out
(August 24, 2001)

8. Even if they wanted to, NYPD just doesn't have the manpower to arrest everyone trying to use a phone booth as a dressing room.
7. For a quick meal on the run while fighting the evil hordes of the universe, nothing beats a slice of authentic NY-style pizza, easy on the garlic, heavy on the deutronium.
6. Actually, there are numerous superheroes in the suburbs. It's just that no one wants to read about Captain Tort of the Oak Hills Tenant Association and his relentless war against clothes lines.
5. It's the only place where no one seems surprised to see a grown man wearing tights and a cape.
4. That subway sure comes in handy for those of us who can't afford our own Batplane, Batcar, Batcycle, Batrollerblades...
3. Where else can you walk into an all-night deli, cape in tatters, covered in green slime, and get a nice post-combat nosh without anyone so much as batting an eye?
2. Four words: Six Million Grateful Women!

And the Number 1 Reason NYC is Where All the Superheroes Hang Out...

"I'll wrap these punks up -- you go after Mr. Big." This is a good thing to hear in combat. You want to hear your partner say things like "I've got your back covered." On the other hand...

Top 7 Things You Don't Want to Hear from your Partner in Battle
(August 10, 2001)

7. "Just in case we don't make it out of this, I think you should know -- I've been nailing your wife."
6. "As your youthful ward, I inherit everything if you croak, right?"
5. "Do you ever get that "not so heroic" feeling?"
4. "You know, I'm really getting to dig the feel of these tights."
3. "I've really been seriously rethinking this whole vigilante thing."
2. "Great bluff!!! He has no idea you're powerless against his new weapon... uh... er... oops.."

And the Number 1 Thing You Don't Want to Hear from your Partner in Battle...

1. "Holy soiled bat-tights!"

The Top 9 Signs Your Secret Identity Isn't a Secret Anymore
(August 3ed, 2001)

9. All your neighbors are suddenly renovating their bathrooms with lead-lined tile.
8. For the past few days your friends have all been coming up to you with little black masks covering their eyes and pretending they don't know you, then walking away in hysterics.
7. As you leap a tall building, one of its tenants calls out the window, "Hi, Clark! Working on a story?"
6. Your editor still sends you to cover the all big overseas stories, but all of your airfare expense reports are returned with the words "Nice try, Cape-boy!" scrawled across them.
5. Complete strangers stop you on the street to ask if you know a good place to get capes dry-cleaned.
4. Your work as a window washer might be a better cover if you actually used the platform.
3. Frantic "I need your help" calls at midnight on your home phone from the President -- and you're not Dick Cheney.
2. "Good Morning, Mrs. Rosencranz. Can the Cosmic Avenger come out to play?"

And the Number 1 Sign Your Secret Identity Isn't a Secret...

1. Utility belt? Check! Spandex uniform? Check! Cape? Check! Mask? D'oh!