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By John Rider Recently, when word got out that I was desperate for a story idea, I was approached by Satan who want ed me to do a feature on him for the Chronicle. Satan felt confused and misunderstood by Christians around the world and wanted me to clear up the fact that there is more to Satan then just soul-eating and fire-starting. John: Mister Satan, I think I speak for all of us when I say that we've had enough of being teased. Last year we were told the world was going to end because it was the beginning of the new millennium. Then we were reminded that the new millennium didn't really start until January 1, 2001, but I still didn't see any of your skeleton boys knocking on my front door. Stop jerking our chain, man! Satan: I...I admit, I was grounded. God told me I had had enough fun messing with the recount and that he didn't want to see me walking out of the Gates of Hell for at least another four years. John: Now theoretically speaking, if you were going to pour big sweaty spoonfuls of death on, say, the United States, how would you do it? Satan: Well, first I'd eliminate study hall from every school system in the country so that the student population would die out from overcrowded class room conditions. Secondly, I would get rid of all the senior citizens by heating McDonalds coffee really hot so that when it inevitably spilled they would get third-degree burns. Finally, I'd knock off the rest of the country by perpetuating the rumor that Spanish is the official language of the southwestern United States, which would lead to chaos and confusion within the country. John: But Satan, all those things are already true. Satan: Insolent! (he slaps me in the face). John: So what do you like to do in your free time? Satan: Well, when I'm not giving angels wet willies, I'm usually giving priests gas during sermons (he giggles). What do you like to do? John: When I'm not eating angel food cake, I like to catch up on my Bible. Satan: Insolent! (he slaps me across the other cheek). I bet you're a real minister's pet. A real choir boy! John: (sobbing furiously) Am not! Satan: Oh, so Captain Church here doesn't take name calling too well does he? You looking for trouble? Bring it, Bible Boy!! (A brawl ensues where I get the stuffing kicked out of me, thus ending our interview.) By Gerome Melaet Since 1997 many girls at H-K have been working hard to establish a girls' lacrosse team. Ms. Kamercia and Mr. Cavrell have been volunteering for the girls' lacrosse club at H-K. Approximately 15 girls comprise the team, with a majority of fresh men and sophomores playing. Team members are responsible for their own supplies and equipment. Last year, the team played nine of 16 scheduled games because seven were cancelled due to bad weather conditions. The record established was 2-7. If this club continues to exist, it will likely be on its own, as the school never paid any of the team's costs. Last year the girls bought a set of goals with an H-K Cougar Club donation. A set of nets to go with them was purchased by another donation. In addition, the girls did a good deal of fundraising and earned $340 that has paid for all of the goalie equipment. Another challenge for the team is finding a field to practice on. Due to the current field construction, the varsity softball and the JV baseball teams will use the football field. Recently, Ron Griffith, father of student Jessie Griffith, has been trying to find a solution for the lacrosse Club's problems. His idea was to practice with Morgan. Apparently, this idea has met with some option from the superintendent. The status of lacrosse team is, therefore, still in question. |
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