This page has a lot of jokes, and I add new ones all the time. After the huge jokes part, there are several links. All of the newest jokes added would be at the bottom of the list. Email me any suggestions, comments, complaints, compliments, JOKES, or anything! Email to: Rex130431_@yahoo.com
Also... Lots of Thanks to Joe's Jokes, Geoffrey's Jokes, Barking Spider, Welcome Back Kotter, Ryan, Katie, John, Comedy Central, Jerry Seinfeld, and many, many others! This page is dedicated to EVERYBODY!! Even YOU!
Well, any ways... My page is a joke. So here are some:
SEQUELS
My friends and I are constantly into the habbit of making up false sequels to already made movies. Here are some of our best and favorite creations!! Enjoy! (I might add to this certain list very often!)
Men in Black............................ Men in Drag
Independence Day........................ Memorial Day
Homeward Bound.......................... Home is Found
The Never Ending Story.................. The End
The Lost World.......................... FOUND IT!!
Titanic................................. Britannic (Titanic's twin sister ship that also sank,for those who do not know already.)
Deep Impact............................. Deeper Impact
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer... I Still Really Do Know What YouDid Last Summer
Uncle Buck.............................. Uncle Duck
Alice in Wonderland..................... Alice Cooper in Wonderland
Water World............................. Disney World
Free Willy.............................. Get Willy Back! He stole my wallet!
As Good As It Gets...................... As Bad As It Gets
The Full Monty.......................... A Half of a Monty
Seven Years in Tibet.................... Seven Years in Hollywood
This Boy's Life......................... This Boy's Death
Liar, Liar.............................. Lying Again?
Cable Guy............................... Return of the Cable Guy
Ad Funnies
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Lost: Small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
For Sale: Antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and largedrawers.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home too!
No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
For Sale: Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
Dog for Sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!Man, honest. Will take anything.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Auto Repair Service: Try us once -- you'll never go anywhere elseagain.
Wanted: Preparer of food. Must like the food business, be dependable, and be willing to get hands dirty.
Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
And now, the Superstore -- unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Services Rendered
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other.
The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.
"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."
"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough."
The groom nodded gently and said, "That may be true, but I can't get over the fact that she gave me $20 change!"
Depression
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
There's this guy on at bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and gulps it down. The poor man starts crying.
The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here,... I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison!!!"
The Preacher's Ass
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in race horses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise the donkey came in third. The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines,
"Preacher's Ass Shows"
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won! The papers said,
"Preacher's Ass Out in Front"
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race. The newspaper printed this headline,
"Bishop Scratches Preacher's Ass"
This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal. The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent. The headlines the next day read,
"Nun Has Best Ass in Town"
The Bishop fainted. He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00. The paper stated,
"Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks"
They buried the Bishop the next day.
Why Ask Why?
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
You know how most packages say "Open here"? What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?
Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
If corn oil comes from corn where does baby oil come from?
How did a fool and his money get together to begin with?
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
What is another word for thesaurus?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream container?
Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
Does fuzzy logic tickle?
Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?
Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
Where do they get the seeds to grow seedless oranges?
If your nose runs and your feet smell, are you built upside down?
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
If cops hang out at donut shops, why don't bakers hang out at police stations?
Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't is a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do a 'practice'?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?
When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?
Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all'?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they report power outages on TV?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?
Is it possible to be totally partial?
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
If the funeral procession is at night, do people drive with their headlights off?
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Why do they call it a TV set if you only get one?
Where can you buy the key to a lock of your hair?
Can your eyes be called an school, because there are pupils there?
Is the crown of your head where jewels are found?
What crosses the bridge of your nose?
Can you beat the drum of your ear?
Can the crook in your elbow be sent to jail?
How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?
If you wanted to shingle the roof of your mouth, would you use the nails on your toes?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do they all drown?
Happy Headlines!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Farmer Bill Dies in House
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000
'84 War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Ban on Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock; Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction
Sex Education Delayed; Teachers Request Training
Include Your Children when Baking Cookies
Get Rid of Bad Dates
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the waiter, who reaches for it.
Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and balance them in a tower on your table.
Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.
Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.
Repeat every third third word you say say.
Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high school yearbook.
Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.
Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.
Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they are talking about.
Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms outstretched, and make airplane sounds.
Order a bucket of lard.
Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier venues that use linen tablecloths.
Howl and whistle at womens' legs, especially if you are female.
Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.
Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking about themselves.
Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.
When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.
Without asking, eat off your date's plate. Eat more from their plate than they do.
Drool.
Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full and spray crumbs.
Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in front of you.
Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What took you so long in the restroom?!?"
Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.
Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.
Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the subject up.
Ask your date how much money they have with them.
Order for your date. Order something nasty.
Communicate in mime the entire evening.
Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows, where you have a you have a good view of all exits, and where you can keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.
Lick your plate. Offer to lick theirs.
Hum. Loudly. In monotone.
Fill your pockets with sugar packets, as well as salt and pepper shakers, silverware, floral arrangements... i.e anything on the table that isn't bolted down.
Hold a debate. Take both sides.
Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.
Auction your date off for silverware.
Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.
Order a baked potato for a side dish. When the waiter brings your food, hide the potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato for you, have the first one back up on the plate. Repeat later in the meal.
Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.
Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and use good judgement in editing to twist their words around.
Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.
Speak in pig latin throughout the meal (Or ubber-dubber language, or just nonsense).
Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table, throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs. Insist that they just need airing out.
If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu. Take one bite.
Bring 20 or so candles with you, and during the meal get up and arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.
Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than actually feeding her.
Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.
Take a thermos along, and hide it under the table. Order coffee, and fill the thermos one cup at a time, taking advantage of the free refills.
Insist that the waiter cuts your food into little pieces. In a simliar vein, insist that he take a bite of everything on the plate, to make sure no one poisoned it.
Accuse your date of espionage.
Make odd allusions to dangerous religious cults.
Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.
Pass the hat in the restaurant. Use the proceeds (if any) to pay the bill.
Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.
Feed imaginary friends, or toy dolls you've brought along.
Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.
Things To Do In An Elevator!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
One word: Flatulence!
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
Play the harmonica.
Shadow box.
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
BUMPER STICKER MANIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."
"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."
"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools"
"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep."
"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."
"When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS."
"Wink, I'll do the rest!"
"I took an IQ test and the results were negative."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"
"Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
"We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse."
"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest."
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."
"Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."
"i souport publik edekasion"
"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."
"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."
"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"
"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock."
"I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles."
Rejected State Mottos...
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
ALABAMA
Literacy ain't everything
Ya want fries with dat?
ALASKA
Come, freeze your butt off
ARIZONA
Winter home to 150,000 snowbirds
ARKANSAS
At least we're not Mississippi
CALIFORNIA
The Granola State
Nobody's actually from here
Fast reloading lanes available
The really long state
COLORADO
Too wimpy to cross the mountains so we stopped here
Official home of the winter ski bunny
CONNECTICUT
Way too close to New York
DELAWARE
You'll need a map to find us
So close to Washington you can smell it
FLORIDA
The Gunshine State
Elephant Graveyard; where the old Republicans go to die
Senior citizen discounts available
Come, enjoy the humidity
The snow capital of the US
GEORGIA
Home of the Rednecks
Gateway to Florida
Confederate money welcome
HAWAII
Sure, we've got Interstates... drive on over
Book 'em Danno
Tom Selik, Jack Lord, Don Ho - Paradise!
Come, get lai-ed
IDAHO
Ain't nothing here
We don't care if you spell potato with an "e"
Land of a billion "eyes"
ILLINOIS
Land of the voting dead
Gateway to Iowa
INDIANA
Home of David Letterman
IOWA
Just east of Omaha
It's easy to spell
KANSAS
Hayfever capital of the Midwest
Dole slept here
There's no place like home
Ya want flat, we got flat
KENTUCKY
Tobacco is a vegetable
We're all related
Gateway to Nashville
LOUISIANA
Swim the beautiful Bayou
Cancer Alley's just a name, and names will never hurt you
MAINE
For Sale
You can spit on Canada from here
MARYLAND
If it weren't for Washington, you couldn't find us
MASSACHUSETTS
Home of the young girls from Nantucket, also the home of Ted Kennedy, hmmmm...
MICHIGAN
Land of the free, home of the Buick
MINNESOTA
Not Sweden, but we try to act like it
Sure beats Canada
MISSISSIPPI
We're lucky we can spell it
Why would you want to come here?
MISSOURI
Gateway to Kansas
Here's mine, Show Me yours
We're better than Illinois
MONTANA
Land of the Big Sky, and very little else
We've got lots of 10'x10' shacks in the woods
It's where you're wanted.
At least our cows are sane.
NEBRASKA
More corn than Kansas
Go to Kansas, turn north
NEVADA
More weirdos than Alaska (warmer too)
2 words - Death Valley
3 to 5 you'll leave broke
We have our own nuclear testing site
NEW HAMPSHIRE
Like Old Hampshire, only newer
About as exciting as Vermont
NEW JERSEY
You have the right to remain silent, You have the right to an attorney...
Tell 'em Guido sent ya
NEW MEXICO
Lizards make excellent pets
We have reservations
Alien Welcome Center - Roswell
NEW YORK
At least we're not New Jersey!
We're more than a big city; we're a state
Like we CARE about a motto
English spoken here; sometimes
NORTH CAROLINA
Five million people; Fifteen last names
We're bigger than South Carolina
NORTH DAKOTA
The OTHER South Dakota
OHIO
Don't judge us by Cleveland
Proud polluters of Lake Erie
We're easy to spell
OKLAHOMA
We're OK, you're NOT!
I don't think we're in Kansas anymore, Toto
OREGON
As pretty as California but not as weird
We're not named after a musical instrument
You can see the sunset from here
PENNSYLVANIA
Cook with coal
Free lub job with oil change
RHODE ISLAND
Size ain't everything
Nobody famous came from Rhode Island
Gays are welcome here.
SOUTH CAROLINA
Just south of North Carolina
SOUTH DAKOTA
Closer than North Dakota
TENNESSEE
The Educashun State
Thank goodness we've still got Elvis
A great fixer-upper
TEXAS
Si Hablo Ingles
See, EVERYTHING is bigger in Texas!
UTAH
Our Jesus is better than your Jesus
At least our sheep can't talk
VERMONT
Bet ya can't name 2 of our towns
VIRGINIA
Please don't confuse us with West Virginia!
WASHINGTON
We like our state, so STAY OUT!
WEST VIRGINIA
Where "family values" has a different meaning
WISCONSIN
Land of funny accents.
Say "Cheeeese"
WYOMING
Where men are lonely and sheep are scared
The THREE Wishes
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the Genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into the Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 miles visibility when his instruments went out. He began circling around looking for a landmark. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with a guy working alone on the fifth floor. He banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey where am I?" to which the man replies, "You're in an airplane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to perform a perfect blind landing on the airport runway 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out. The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Quite easy," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore, that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just five miles due East."
Bill Gates dies and is at the pearly gates talking with Saint Peter. Saint Peter says, "Bill, you've done some wonderful things in your life and have earned the right to choose where you'll spend the rest of eternity. You can choose between Heaven or Hell, but choose wisely." Bill looks over Saint Peter's shoulder between the pearly gates and sees nothing but a lush green meadow. Deciding to heed Saint Peter's words, Bill asks if he could take a look at Hell. Saint Peter agrees and sends Bill to Hell. The Devil greets Bill at the gates of Hell and he is immediately taken aback. Much to his surprise, there's one heck of a party going on. People are dancing, the alcohol is flowing, music is non-stop and everyone is having a blast. Bill returns to Heaven to again discuss his decision with Saint Peter. He again looks over Saint Peter's shoulder and sees only a lush green meadow. Bill says to Saint Peter, "I've put a lot of thought into this decision and it may sound foolish, but I'd like to spend the rest of eternity in Hell." Saint Peter fulfills Bill's request and returns him to Hell. When Bill gets back to Hell there's been a big change. People are writhing in agony, flames are burning, moans of pain and despair are everywhere. Bill, being quite shocked at the sight asks the Devil, "What happened?? I was just down here a little while ago and everyone was having a great time!" The Devil says, "Oh that... That was just the demo!"
Tommy O'Connor went to confession and said, "Forgive me father for I have sinned." "What have you done Tommy O'Connor?" "I had sex with a girl." "Who was it, Tommy?" "I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin." "Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?" "No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was." "Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?" "No father, please forgive me for my sin." "Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha O'Keefe." "No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was." "Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Mary's and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin." So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. "What did ya get?" asked Joseph. "Well I got 5 hail Mary's, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads."
The local bar was so sure that it's bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000.00 bet for anyone who could squeeze just one more drop of juice from a lemon, after the bartender had finished squeezing a lemon into a glass....Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but to date none was able to win the bet. One day a scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice: "I'd like to try the bet!" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, OK. The bartender grabbed a lemon and squeezed away until only the wrinkled remains of the lemon remained and he handed this to the little man. As the crowd stood and watched in amazement, laughter turning to silence, the little man clenched his fist around the lemon, and to everyone amazement...six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000.00, and asked the little man " what do you do for a living?" Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
At a Texas University, a Professor had been teaching his students human reproduction. For an exam, one of the questions was: "Female humans are born with a limited number of eggs, while males, during their lifetime, produce millions upon millions of sperm. Why are so many sperm produced?" One young woman's answer: "Because they won't ask for directions either."
We have all gotten these, usually when we have just sat down for dinner or are using the bathroom. Well the time has come to fight back! Enough is enough!! Try these the next time some one wants to sell you a set of encyclopedias.
1. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
2. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
3. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
4. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh", "Really" or "How fascinating". Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
5. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer you're busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you'll call them back Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number".; You say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at work, right?" Telemarketer will agree. You say "Now you know how I feel!" Hang-up.
You Know You're An Internet Junkie If...
1. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop to check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
2. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
3. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.
4. You start using smilies in your snail mail.
5. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
Two hunters returned to camp and entered their tent. After a while, one hunter looked out and saw a large bear approaching. He told the other, "There's a large bear coming this way and when he finds out we're in here, we're going to be in trouble. Whereupon the other began taking off his boots and putting on tennis shoes. The first hunter asked, "You don't think you can outrun that bear, do you?" "No!", said the other, "All I have to do is outrun you."
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
Marriage is a three ring circus: an engagement ring, a wedding ring, and suffering
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the "y" becomes silent.
How do most men define marriage? A very expensive way to get your laundry done for free.
A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Love is blind, but marriage is an eye-opener.
Cosmetics: A woman's means to keep a man from reading between the lines.
Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and What They Actually Mean)
10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.)
5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same solar system, much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's the male perspective thing.)
THE FOLLOWING STUFF IS SOME THINGS THAT SEINFELD HAS SAID!!
The proof that we don't understand death is we give dead people a pillow. I mean if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't think there are any bedding accessories that can make the difference. But the suit and the pillow really shows how we have no idea what to get these people ready for. I mean, what situation are you going into with a suit and a pillow? There's no business nap meetings.
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door!
It's tough to do a good deed. Let's look at your professional good-deed doers, your Lone Rangers, your Supermen, your Batmen, your Spidermen. They're all wearing disguises, masks over their faces, secret identities. They don't want people to know who they are. Too much aggravation. "Superman, yeah thanks for saving my life, but did you have to come through my wall? I'm renting here. They've got a security deposit. Now what am I supposed to do?"
I'm on the plane, we left late, and the pilot says, "We're going to be making up some time in the air." I thought, "Isn't that interesting. They just make up time." That's why you have to reset your watch when you land. Of course, when they say they're making up time, obviously they're increasing the speed of the aircraft. Now my question is, if you can go faster, why don't you just go as fast as you can all the time? "Come on, they're no cops up here! Nail it! Give it some gas! We're flying!"
The worst way of flying, I think, is standby. You ever fly standby? It never works. That's why they call it standby. You end up standing there going, "Bye."
Then there's the psychiatrist. Why is that with the psychiatrist every hour is only fifty minutes? What do they do with the ten minutes that they have left? Do they just sit there going, "Boy that guy was crazy. I couldn't believe the things he was saying. What a nut. Who's coming in next? Oh no, another head case."
Sometimes you go to a nice restaurant, they put the check in the little book. What is this, the story of the bill? "Once upon a time somebody ordered a salad." There's a little gold tassel hanging down. Am I graduating from the restaurant? Should I put this on the rearview mirror of my Porsche?
One thing I love about living in New York is it's every different type of person piled one on top of the other. I am for open immigration, but that sign we have in the front of the Statue of Liberty, "Give us your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." Can't we just say, "Hey, the door's open. We'll take whoever you got." Do we have to specify "The wretched refuse?" Why not just say, "Give us the unhappy, the sad, the slow, the ugly, the people that can't drive, people that have trouble merging, if they can't stay in their lane, if they don't signal, they can't parallel park, if they're sneezing, if they're stuffed up, if they have bad penmanship, if they don't return calls, if they have dandruff, food between their teeth, if they have bad credit, if they have no credit, missed a spot shaving...........In other words, any dysfunctional, defective slob that you can somehow cattle prod onto a wagon, send them over. We want them."
PIZZA TIME!!
1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. Use CB lingo where applicable.
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. Give them your address, exclaim, "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the lines about nutrition and ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST, FREE SPIRITED, COST-EFFICIENT, UKRAINIAN, and PUCE.
11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's Master of Puppets CD.
13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Stutter on the letter "p."
16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing. (AM: you knew I'd like this one)
18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask if you would like drinks with that, panic and become disoriented.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
23. Change your accent every three seconds.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere.
26. Start your order with "I'd like..." A little later, slap yourself and say, "No, I don't."
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say, "Okay, that'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Rent, rather than buy a pizza.
29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Say, "Are you sure this is Pizza Place?" When they say yes, say, "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, Pizza Place,start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"
34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
36. Imitate the order taker's voice.
37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
38. When they say, "What would you like?," say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."
39. Play a sitar in the background.
40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
42. Ask to see a menu.
43. Quote Carl Sandberg.
44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
49. Shout, "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"
50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say, "Where was I? Who are you?"
51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.
57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.
58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."
59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
62. Try to talk while drinking something.
63. Start the conversation with "My Call to Pizza Place, Take 1, and... action!"
64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
66. Be vague in your order.
67. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
69. After ordering, say, "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
73. Say, "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.
77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
79. Put them on hold.
80. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say, "I said, 'sauce smothered with meat'."
82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say, "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say, "You just don't get it, do you?"
84. When you're given the price, say, "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
85. Haggle.
86. Order a one-inch pizza.
87. Order term life insurance.
88. When they say, "Will that be all?" snicker and say, "We'll find out, won't we?"
89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.
90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
92. Engage in some serious swapping.
93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say, "Please don't mention that word."
94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.
97. Order a steamed pizza.
Three blondes are walking through the forest. They come upon sometracks. The first blonde says "They're deer tracks." The second blonde says "They're bear tracks." The third blonde says "They're moose tracks." They keep fighting over it until a train hits them.
Here are TWO classic Court transcripts, all recorded by the keepers of the word in various parts of the world...
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LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?WITNESS: No.
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CLERK:Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give.
"CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
WITNESS: Is that all?
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But", "The", "Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.
The Old Accidents Happen Joke
Dear Sir,
I'm writing in response to your request for additional information.
In block #3 of the accident report form I put "Trying to do the job alone" as the cause of the accident. In your letter you said that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details should be sufficient.
I'm a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 3 story building. When I completed my work I discovered I had about 300 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley that was attached to the side of the building at the 3rd floor. Securing the rope at ground level I went to to the roof swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope while holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the three hundred pounds of bricks.
You will note in block #2 of the accident report form that I stated I weighed 165 pounds. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly I lost my presence of mind and did not let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collar bone.
Slowed down only slightly by the barrel I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until my right hand was two knuckles deep into the pulley. Fortunately, I retained conciseness and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain and injuries.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom of the barrel broke out. Devoid of the weight of the bricks the barrel weighed approximately 50 pounds. I refer you again to my weight in box #2. As you might imagine, I began a rather rapid descent down the side of the building. In the middle of the second floor, I again met the barrel coming up. This accounts for my two fractured ankles and lacerations of my legs and lower body. This encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks. Fortunately only three vertebrate were cracked.
I'm sorry to report however as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand or move, I lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope. The empty barrel, weighing more than the rope, came back down and broke both of my legs.
I hope I furnished the information that you need to complete the processing of my claim and that you understand how the accident occurred by trying to do the job alone.
Sincerely,
S. Anderson
Aggie Jokes
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Did you hear that they outlawed "the wave" at Kyle Field?
Two poor Aggies drowned at a game last year.
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Did you hear about the Aggie that drove his pickup into the lake?
His dog drowned while he tried to get the tailgate down.
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Did you hear about the skeleton they just found in an old building at College Station?
It was the 1938 hide and seek champion.
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Did you hear about the Aggie who was tap dancing?
He broke his ankle when he fell into the sink.
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Why don't Aggies eat barbecue beans?
Because they keep falling through the holes in the grill.
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Why don't Aggies use 911 in an emergency?
Because they can't find "eleven" on the phone dial.
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How can you tell an Aggie is on location at a drilling rig?
He's the one throwing bread to the helicopters.
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How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Two. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars.
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Two Aggie builders were working on a house. One Aggie was on a ladder nailing. He'd reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over his shoulder or proceed to nail it into the wood. The other Aggie couldn't stand it any longer and yells up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"
The first Aggie explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"
The second Aggie got real excited and called him all kinds of names, explaining, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"
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An Aggie decides to raise chickens. So, he goes to the feed store and buys some chicks. He takes the chicks home, and plants them with their heads sticking up. He waters them, but they die.
He goes back to the feed store and tells the proprietor that he bought defective chicks, and gets another set. This time he plants them with their heads sticking down. He waters them, but they die.
He then sends a letter to his Alma Mater, describing the problem. They send a letter back asking for a soil sample.
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Ice is no longer available in the drinks at the cafeterias at A&M. The senior who knew the recipe graduated.
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An Aggie happens across a professor who is staring intently into an aquarium. The Aggie, says, "Professor, what are you doing?"
The professor answers, "I'm attempting mental telepathy with this fish. You see, if my mind is stronger than theirs, I can control their thoughts. Umm, why don't you try it!"
The Aggie, certain of his ability to successfully control the fish, stares into the tank for a few seconds. Then, all of the sudden, his eyes start bugging and his mouth makes a little 'o' shape like he's pushing water through his gills.
The Airline Dictionary
The airline industry, like any other, has a specialized dictionary. These are words and phrases that are used commonly by airline employees for which the meanings may not be obvious to outsiders.
At great personal risk on an undercover sting operation, I was able to procure this dictionary. Now I present it to you with no thought to my personal safety in the interest of academic freedom.
Remember folks, "If it ain't Boeing, I ain't going!"
PASSENGER
A herding creature of widely varying intellect, usually found in pairs or small groups. Often will become vicious and violent in simple and easily rectified situations. When frightened or confused these creatures collect into a group called a "line." This "line" has no set pattern and is usually formed in inconvenient places. Passengers are of four known species: Paxus iratus, Paxus latus, Paxus inebriatus, & Paxus ignoramus.
PRE-BOARD
Passenger who arrives at the gate five minutes before departure.
VOLUNTARY OVERSALE
A passenger who arrives at the gate as the jetway is coming off the flight.
NO-RECORD
Any passenger booked through a travel agency.
NON REVENUE POSTITION
Usually can be identified by the fact that these passengers are in first class and are dressed in pilot or flight attendant uniforms. Non-revenue position are permitted to fly first class free of charge to prevent revenue passengers from being able to pay first class passenger charges.
GROUP
A large loud pack of passengers (see passenger) travelling together. The group leader, who has the tickets, usually waits in the bar until the required pre-board time of five minutes before departure, or until there are no seats left together, whichever occurs last. Reservation agents are prohibited form pre-assigning seats to groups as this may convenience them.
SIGN
An airport decoration. Usually unnoticed except by small children. Its primary function is to hide the location of various areas of the airport, i.e., gate numbers, rest rooms, baggage claim, etc.
POSITION CLOSED
This is a sign posted at various counter locations, which when interpreted by the passenger says, "Form line here."
BAGGAGE CLAIM
The most difficult area of the airport to find. It is usually hidden by numerous signs saying, "Baggage Claim Area."
CARRY ON BAG
An item, usually of large dimensions, which somehow managed to fit under the passenger's seat on the inbound flight. Regardless of what the passenger says the following are not acceptable as carry-on items: bicycles, steamer trunks, refrigerators, truck tires, or wide screen projection TVs.
FLIGHT SCHEDULE
An entertaining work of paperback fiction.
ON TIME
An obscure term, meaning unknown.
FOG
A natural weather phenomenon which usually occurs around an airport while the surrounding areas are clear. Fog is controlled by the airlines and is used to delay flights.
AIR TRAFFIC CONTROL
A game played by airline pilots and air traffic controllers. The game has no rules, and neither side knows how it is played, but the goal is to prevent flights from arriving in time for passengers to make connecting flights.
TICKET AGENT
A superhuman with the patience of a saint, the herding ability of an Australian sheepdog, the E.S.P. abilities of Uri Geller, the compassion of a psychoanalysts, and and the tact of a diplomat. They have mysterious abilities to control wind/rain/snow/fog and all other weather phenomenon. They are capable of answering three questions at one time, while talking on the phone, and without stuttering or choking on their tongue. Later in life they sit in parks carrying on mysterious conversations with themselves.
Airline Inertial Guidance Systems
The aircraft knows where it is at all times. It knows this because it knows where it isn't. By subtracting where it is from where it isn't, or where it isn't from where it is (whichever is the greater), it obtains a difference, or deviation.
The Inertial Guidance System uses deviations to generate error signal commands which instruct the aircraft to move from a position where it is to a position where it isn't, arriving at a position where it wasn't, or now is. Consequently, the position where it is, is now the position where it wasn't; thus, it follows logically that the position where it was is the position where it isn't.
In the event that the position where the aircraft now is, is not the position where it wasn't, the Inertial Guidance System has acquired a variation. Variations are caused by external factors, the discussions of which are beyond the scope of this report.
A variation is the difference between where the aircraft is and where the aircraft wasn't. If the variation is considered to be a factor of significant magnitude, a correction may be applied by the use of the autopilot system. However, use of this correction requires that the aircraft now knows where it was because the variation has modified some of the information which the aircraft has, so it is sure where it isn't.
Nevertheless, the aircraft is sure where it isn't (within reason) and it knows where it was. It now subtracts where it should be from where it isn't, where it ought to be from where it wasn't (or vice versa) and integrates the difference with the product of where it shouldn't be and where it was; thus obtaining the difference between its deviation and its variation, which is variable constant called "error".
Annoy Your Roommate
Repeat thoughtfully the last word of everything your roommate says (e.g. Your roommate: "How are you doing today?" You: "Today.... Today......") Continuously refer to your roommate using terms of endearment (sweetcheeks, honeybuns). Slap him/her in the face if s/he ever does the same.
Kill several people. Store the corpses underneath your roommate's bed. Call the police.
Become Forrest Gump.
Incessantly rant about the government's attempts to control our minds by poisoning us with Dihydrous Monoxide. If your roommate tries to explain that Dihydrous Monoxide = H2O = Water, exclaim "HA!! THAT'S WHAT THEY WANT YOU TO THINK!!!!"
Intensely study the complete list of ways to annoy your roommate. Form a discussion group with your roommate. Give tests.
Start a food drive around campus to feed your roommate. Comment often on how fat s/he's getting.
Read nothing but "Human Calculator" books. Consistently make mistake's on simple math (e.g. "2 + 2 = ..3? No, 5! No.......")
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fish tank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Speak in tongues.
Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man, "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arias on a kazoo.
If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ball-point pens.
Smile. All the time.
Burn all your waste paper while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Bye three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Cry a lot.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's Email.
Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed. Do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out. Use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
Follow him/her around on weekends.
Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
Let mice loose in his/her room.
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
Skip to the bathroom.
Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
Burn incense.
Eat moths.
Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
Collect Chia-Pets.
Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
Don't ever flush.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
Lick him/her while they are asleep.
Dress in drag.
Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach everytime your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray!You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for five minutes. Afterwards, keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash the room when your roommate's not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like, THEY, were here again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much "Beavis & Butthead." Do it again. Tell him/her that you're not sorry because this time, they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before you go to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of "Lucky Charms." Pick out all the yellow moons and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every Thursday, pack up everything you own and tell your roommate you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh, no! Where am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading."
Buy a McDonald's "Happy Meal" for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out.
Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon...."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours.
When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her? He/she won't be here much longer."
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come to your room and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Oooh, are you dying?"
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of the tarantula. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here, somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh, yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you're going to be housing a prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch T.V with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich.Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are hungry.
Punch a hole in the T.V. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the poor picture quality.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of an open window for about an hour every day.
Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst!Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bullseye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate "Clyde" by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him "Clyde" all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay, guys, you can come out now."
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then, look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
Talk back to your "Rice Krispies." All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore conquered his/her side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor).
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for some magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of light bulbs.
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for a while, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report that someone has released the genie from the lamp. Blame your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly ("Frank Johnson! Oh, wow! 837-9494! Holy cow!")
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your roommate if you can box with his/her shadow. When you walk into the room, look at your roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh, you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing.
Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then, look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Stupid road runner...."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you'd like to have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate, all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrr!
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoebox. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they're talking about.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your roommate to let you back in. If he/she asks about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe...."
Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
As soon as your roommate turns the light off at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month.
Confide in your roommate that you think the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour.
Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means there's going to be an earthquake soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide in your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
Steal a tire from a fraternity lawn. Bring it to your room. Bathe it. Name it. Sleep in it.
Leave your room and lock the door. Proceed to bang on the door, screaming, "Let me in." Get mad at your roommate for locking you out.
Talk on the phone a lot. Don't pick up the receiver.
Talk to your roommate but don't let any sound come out. Get mad at him/her for not listening to you.
Ask your roommate if Bob, your invisible friend, can stay the night.
Ask your roommate if s/he can turn down the music. Explain that Bob has a headache.
Start a brothel.
Constantly slip and fall -- on your carpet.
Invite the Dean to sleepover.
Invite the school President to sleepover.
Invite your roommate to sleepover.
Let your alarm clock go off and refuse to turn it off. If your roommate comments, pretend not to hear anything.
Walk into walls.
Leave little notes in the shower for him/her.
Every time you take a shower, yell audibly, "I'm melting, I'm melting!"
When your roommate has friends over, get under your covers and stare at them through a little hole in the covers. Use a telescope.
When you leave the room, put on a screensaver that says, "I'm watching you."
Make a care package for your roommate. Leave the room and ride back and forth outside your window saying, "Speedy Delivery!" until s/he comes out.
Move very stiffly and grin. Tell your roommate that you've turned into Gumby.
Study computer science and listen to techno while talking about robots taking over the world.
Sleep with a banana (or lemon) and refuse to throw it out even after it rottens.
Wear a silly hat.
Tell him/her that you're committing suicide, and let him/her find some dynamite under your bed.
Leave lots of pills in your drawer, and walk around like a zombie.
Move your bed around the room once a day, and leave it in a new position every night.
Lock your door every time you go through it. Tell him/her that you're afraid of aliens.
Eat raw pasta for dinner.
Put bricks in the middle of the room, and explain to him/her that you intend to make a fireplace to save electricity.
Write letters to yourself from famous people. Mail them to yourself.
Blonde Jokes
I hope nobody finds these offensive. You shouldn't!!
Another thing, there should not be any dirty jokes in there: I think I got all of them out of the list. I'm sorry if any of the blonde jokes below are repeated in other parts of this page! Thank you!!
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Q: How do blonde brain cells die ?
A: Alone.
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Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A: Blow in her ear.
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Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!
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Q: How do you keep a blonde busy all day?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
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Q: How did the blonde die ice fishing?
A: She was run over by the zamboni machine.
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Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
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Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O
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Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
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Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
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Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
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Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an iq of 125?
A: a foursome.
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Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
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Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
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Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
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Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
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Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.
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Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.
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Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 and a half days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.
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Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
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Q: Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
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Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
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Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
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Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
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Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead
skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.
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Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
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Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
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Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.
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Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.
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Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
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Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
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Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
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Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge!
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Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
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Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.
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Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.
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Q: How do you drown a blond?
A: Leave a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
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Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
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Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.
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Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
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Q: What can save a dying blonde?
A: Hair transplants.
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Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
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Q: What did the blonde say about blonde jokes?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.
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Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
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Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
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Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A: A hundred dollar bill.
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Q: How do you make a blond laugh on Monday mornings ?
A: Tell them a joke on Friday night !
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Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.
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Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.
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Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.
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Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.
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Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.
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Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
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Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)
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Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
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Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.
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Q: What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: "Space. The final frontier......"
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Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.
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Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.
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Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!
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Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.
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Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.
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Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die.
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Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.
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Q: Did you hear about the blonde that almost caused a wreck?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.
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Q: Did you hear bout the blonde who couldn't wait to see "20,000 Leagues Under The Sea"?
A: She said that she loved baseball, and was surprised that there were so many teams.
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Q: Did you hear about the blonde who stood in front of a mirror with her eyes closed?
A: She wanted to see what she looked like asleep.
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Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
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Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
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Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
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Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know what ONE came first...
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Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
A: Divorced.
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Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
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Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
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Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
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Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
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Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
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Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
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Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
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Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
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Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
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Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
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Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
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Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
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Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every month?
A: Because it says right on it "good for up to 20 pounds."
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Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
or A: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work or coming home.
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Q: Why do men like blonde jokes??
A: Because they can understand them.
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Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
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Q: Why do all blondes all have a dimple on their chin and a flat forehead?
A: Finger on chin-I don't know. Hits forehead-Oh I get it!
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Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
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Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
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Q: What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
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Q: Why do blondes drive VW's ?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE!!
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Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
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Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
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Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
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Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
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Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
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Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
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Q: Why don't blondes call 911 in an emergency?
A: They can't remember the number.
or A: She can't find the number 11 on the telephone buttons.
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Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello?
A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.
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Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A: Because they can't get their head in the jar.
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Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: "What's a lightbulb?"
or A: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
or A: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!"
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Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"
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Q: Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $10 bill. Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde! because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
A2: None of them, two don't exist and the dumb blonde thought it was a gum wrapper.
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Q: If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits the ground first?
A: The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.
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Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and Bigfoot?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
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Q: What does a blonde make best for dinner?
A: Reservations.
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Q: What does a blonde say when she gives birth?
A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine?
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Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on?
A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off.
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Q: What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
A: Change.
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Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in his/her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"
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Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last years hide and go seek winner.
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Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.
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Q: What do you call five blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air bubbles.
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Q: What do you call 4 blondes lying on the ground?
A: An air mattress.
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Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A: An Air Bag.
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Q: What do you call a blonde between two brunettes?
A: A mental block.
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Q: What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear?
A: A wind tunnel.
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Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A: A dope ring.
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Q: What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A: Divorcee'
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Q: What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A: Pregnant.
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Q: What do you call a blonde in an institution of higher learning?
A: A visitor.
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Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
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Q: What do you call a brunette with a blonde on either side?
A: An interpreter.
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Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.
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Q: What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A: A Space Invader.
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Q: What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
A: Branch Manager.
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Q: What do you call a smart blond?
A: A golden retriever.
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Q: What do you see when you look into a blonde's eyes?
A: The inside of the back of her head.
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Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a gorilla?
A: Who knows, there is only so much a gorilla can be forced to do...
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Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
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Q: What do you do when a blonde throes a hand grenade at you?
A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
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Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
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Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
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Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
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Q: What do you call a pimple on a blonde's butt?
A: A brain tumor.
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Q: How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
A: 10. One to mix the dough and nine to peel the M&Ms.
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Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
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Q: Why did the blonde cross the road?
A: I don't know.
Q: Neither did she.
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Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
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Q: Why did they stop doing the "WAVE" at BYU?
A: Too many blondes were drowning.
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Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
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Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
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Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
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Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
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Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
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Q: Why did the blonde scale the glass wall?
A: To see what was on the other side.
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Q: Why did the blonde want to become a veteranarian?
A: Because she loved children.
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Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
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Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
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Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
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Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E, between M and W, or at the end?"
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Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the Blonde get on her A.C.T.?
A: Nail polish!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
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Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
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Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
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Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling ?
A: A blond electrician
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are blondes hurt by peoples words?
A: Because people keep hitting them with dictionaries.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why are there no dumb brunettes?
A: Peroxide.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blond's ear?
A: Data transfer.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a grocery cart.
A: A grocery cart has a mind of its own.
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Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
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Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: If an blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, who would die first?
A: The brunette -- because the blonde would have to stop and ask for directions.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
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Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde say to the physicist?
A: "Why, I just love nuclear fission! What do you use for bait?"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in
their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why won't they hire a blonde pharmacist?
A: They keep breaking the prescription bottles in the typewriters.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: A guy asked his blonde wife "how did you get the car in the living room"?
A: She said "I drove it through the kitchen and took a left."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Someone asked if a blonde believed in smoking.
A: She said "Yes, I've seen it done."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the blonde who:
was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean?
took an hour to cook Minute Rice?
got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up?
was an M.D. - Mentally Deficient?
thought nitrates were cheaper than day rates?
after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didn't get taller girls?
brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?
What your car says about you
Does your car make a statement? Probably so. Here's a list of cars and the statements they make about their drivers.
Acura Integra
I have always wanted to own the Buick of sports cars.
Acura Legendary
I'm too bland for German cars.
Acura NSX
I am impotent.
AMC Gremlin
I could only afford three-fourths of a Hornet.
AMC Marlin
My father wouldn' t buy me a Camaro.
Audi 90
I enjoy putting out engine fires
Audi 80
I thought the 4000s was too fast.
Austin-Healey 3000
I can put raw meat on the transmission hump and have a well done steak by the time I arrive anywhere.
Buick Park Avenue
I am older than 34 of the 50 states.
Buick Riviera Convertible
I'm not very smart, and I look like it too.
Buick Electra
Hey, it's 30-year old technology. But it's GOOD 30-year old technology.
Buick Reatta
I like ugly, impractical, boring cars.
Cadillac Cimarron
I am stupid enough to pay extra money for an uglified Chevrolet.
Cadillac Eldorado
I am a very good Mary Kay salesman.
Cadillac Seville
I am a pimp.
Chevrolet Camaro
I enjoy beating up people.
Chevrolet Chevette
I like seeing people's reactions when I tell them I have a 'Vette.
Chevrolet Corvette
I'm in a mid-life crisis.
Chevrolet El Camino
I am leading a militia to overthrow the government.
Chrysler 5th Ave
Did the pushpins come free with the headliner?
Chrysler Cordoba
I dig the rich Corinthian leather.
Datsun 280Z
I have a kilo of cocaine in my wheel well.
Dodge Charger
Reliable is boring. My car is exciting.
Dodge Dart
I teach third grade special education and I voted for Eisenhower.
Dodge Daytona
I delivered pizza for four years to get this car.
Ford Fairmont
(See Dodge Dart)
Ford Mustang
I slow down to 85 in school zones.
Ford Crown Victoria
I enjoy having people slow to 55mph and change lanes when I pull up behind them.
Geo Storm
I will start the 11th grade in the Fall.
Geo Tracker
I will start the 12th grade in the Fall.
Honda del Sol
I have always said, half a convertible is better than no convertible at all.
Honda Civic
I have just graduated and have no credit.
Honda Accord
I lack any originality and am basically a lemming.
Infiniti Q45
I am a physician with 17 malpractice suits pending.
Isuzu Impulse
I do not give a rip about J.D. Power or his reports.
Jaguar XJ6
I am so rich I will pay 60K for a car that is in the shop 280 days per year.
Jeep Wrangler
I am fiercely independent, just like all my friends with Jeeps.
Kia Sephia
I learned nothing from the failure of Daihatsu.
Lotus Esprit
Ever pay $2000 for a tune up? I do.
Lincoln Town Car
I live for bingo and covered dish suppers.
Mercedes 500SL
I will beat you up if you ask me for an autograph.
Mazda Miata
I do not fear being decapitated by an eighteen-wheeler.
MGB
I am dating a mechanic.
Mitsubishi Diamante
I don't know what it means either.
Mitsubishi Eclipse GST
Why accelerate? Because you can!
Nissan 300ZX
I have yet to complete my divorce proceedings.
Oldsmobile Cutlass
I just stole this car and I'm going to make a fortune off the parts.
Peugeot 505 Diesel
I am on the EPA's Ten Most Wanted List.
Plymouth Fury
I like driving an air-conditioned sofa that can carry your car in my trunk as a spare.
Plymouth Neon
I sincerely enjoy doing the Macarena.
Pontiac Trans AM
I have a switchblade in my sock.
Porsche 944
I am dating big haired women that otherwise would be inaccessible to me.
Renault 2CV
I think your car is ugly too.
Rolls Royce Silver Shadow
I think Pat Buchanan is a tad too liberal.
Subaru Legacy
I have always wanted a Japanese car even more inferior than Isuzu.
Triumph TR6
I am an amateur mechanic who enjoys a challenge.
Toyota Camry
I am still in the closet.
Volkswagon Beetle
I still watch Partridge Family reruns.
Volkswagon Cabriolet
I am out of the closet.
VW Rabbit GTi
My mom won't let me buy a Porsche 'til I finish Algebra.
VW Jetta
I stopped smoking pot when I got a real job after college. I swear.
Volkswagon Microbus
I am tripping right now.
Volvo 740 Wagon
I am frightened of my wife.
Volvo 240
Other drivers are unsafe. Let me go ahead and pull out in front of this guy to slow him down.
Church Bulletin Bloopers
This afternoon, there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
Tuesday, at 4pm, there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk come early.
Wednesday the Ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing, "Put Me In My Little Bed," accompanied by the pastor.
Thursday, at 5pm, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be Little Mothers please meet with the pastor in his study.
This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Johnson to come forward and lay an egg at the alter.
The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
One Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the expenses of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet, come forward and get a piece of paper.
The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement on Friday afternoon.
A bean supper will be held on Saturday evening in the church basement. Music will follow.
The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan
Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Belzer.
Tonights sermon: "What is hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
Potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
Don't let worry kill you off--Let the church help.
Overheard At The Las Vegas Computer Convention
"Oh, come on -- Kirk can beat up Picard any day of the week!"
"Empty the trash cans, someone's lost another retainer!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Gates -- this is a $10 minimum table, the $5 minimum tables are over there."
"No, sir, we can't accept Apple stock to cover your gambling debts."
"Just shut up and give me the trinkets, booth weasel!"
"Free Pocket Protectors at Booth 283! Pass it on!"
"Hey, if we all share a limo ride back to the hotel, we can split that dollar tip nine ways."
"Well, the Chicken Ranch was okay - but I liked 'Virtual Monique' better."
"...so Dilbert says to Wally..."
"My dad said if I hacked the Federal Reserve one more time, he'd take away my Nintendo."
"...so I said, 'That's no hexadecimal assembly code, that's my self-modifying subroutine.' But seriously, folks..."
"I don't care if you ARE a CEO, nobody gets in under 21."
"Marc Andreeson to the courtesy desk -- Your mother wants to know what time you'll be home for dinner..."
"They call this a breakfast buffet? Where's the Jolt Cola and Doritos?"
"Hey -- where are all the chicks??"
The Following is some Courtroom Humor!!
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.
The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.
When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? They're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
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It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
"What are you talking about?"
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
"Why are you reading that to me?"
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
"Then get me another doctor."
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."
"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"
"I better check you out first."
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
"What for?"
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
"I'm not going to sue you."
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"
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Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's family, Stu reads the will:
"Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself.
The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?"
The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and keep the rest for yourself."
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In a courtroom, a pursesnatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"
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Matthew P. Dukes, 26, sentenced to 30 days in jail in 1989 following his sixth drunken-driving conviction, tried for 15 months (through December 1990) to get into jail in Ravenna, Ohio, but each time was turned away because the jail was full. In December, Dukes filed a lawsuit in federal court claiming that his constitutional rights are being violated by the jail's refusal to admit him.
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A Norwegian friend of mine told me that a Swedish chainsaw manufacturer began marketing thier product in the US, with an English language manual noticeably larger than the Swedish or Norwegian versions. News commentators explained with great humor in a report that this was because of all the additional warnings, including (they pointed out specifically) "Do not attempt to stop the chainsaw with your hand."
This was made even more humorous a couple of years later, when they were saved a pile of money in a lawsuit brought by a U.S. citizen who was injured stopping the chainsaw with his hand. He was unable to collect, since the manual specifically warned against it.
Rune surmised that the warnings were legally unnecessary in the Scandinavian manuals, since no Scandinavian would publicly admit to doing anything that stupid.
I've always thought the problem could be solved if all products had a label on them stating:
Warning: This product not intended for use by stupid people.
Let this guy try to prove in court that, although he propped the ladder up on a manure heap, he is *not* stupid and didn't violate the instructions.
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A man on trial in the Fourth Judicial district of Tennessee had previously pleaded "not guilty." However, once the jury, eight women and four men, had been seated and the trial was under way, the defendant switched his plea.
"Why the change?" asked the judge, "Were you persuaded to plead 'guilty'?"
"No Sir," the man replied, "When I pleaded 'not guilty', I didn't know women would be on the jury. I can't fool one woman, so I know I can't fool eight of them."
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Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
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The U.S. Attorney in Miami declined to prosecute a drug smuggling case in which the Customs Service had confiscated a half ton of marijuana because the office is overworked and won't touch cases under the 2.5 ton minimum.
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There once was a young fellow who fell prey to a speed trap in a small southern town. The cop wrote him a ticket and then hauled him before the local Justice of the Peace.
The Justice fined the young man $200 and collected the money on the spot. The young fellow turned to go but was called back by the Justice and handed the old ticket.
The speedster said, "Just what am I supposed to do with this? I paid my fine!" Whereupon the old J. P. replied, "Keep it, when you get three, you get a bicycle!"
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From "The Houston Chronicle"
A defense attorney in a Northern California murder case says he believes Max the parrot may hold the answer to who smothered Jane Gill to death in her bedroom two years ago. But an attempt to get the African gray parrot's testimony into evidence last week was blocked by the judge.
Max was found dehydrated and hungry in his cage two days after Gill's murder. After the parrot was coaxed back to health at a pet shop, the shop's owner said the bird began to cry out, "Richard, no, no, no!" The man charged in the case is Gill's business partner, and his name is not Richard. He says he is innocent.
Gary Dixon, a private investigator working on the case, surmised that the bird is now in a witness-protection program. "Max's identity has been changed, and he is now a macaw," he said.
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In December 1993, Atlanta attorney Dennis Scheib stopped by the prosecutor's office on his way to court to represent a new client in a criminal case. Just outside the office, he saw two officers chasing a man down the hall, and he joined in to help. After the three men caught the escapee and handcuffed him, Scheib learned the man was the client he had been on his way to court to represent.
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From the Chicago Tribune, 6/8/90:
Naples, Italy(AP): ...the claim (for damages) involves an accident in March involving a medium-sized Regata and a tiny Panda car. The young man claimed he and his girlfriend were engaged in amorous activity in their car when the large car hit it from behind. The impact momentarily made them lose control, resulting in pregnancy. The suit demands compensation for the cost of repairing the Panda and the cost of the wedding the couple decided to have after discovering the woman was pregnant.
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In February 1994, in Fort Lauderdale, Fla., accused murderer Donald Leroy Evans, 38, filed a pre-trial motion asking permission to wear a Ku Klux Klan robe in the courtroom and to be referred to in legal documents by "the honorable and respected name of Hi Hitler." According to the courthouse employees interviewed by the Associated Press, Evans thought Adolf Hitler's followers were saying "Hi Hitler" rather than "Heil, Hitler."
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Heard through friends: Rumor has it that the state of California, which recently enacted a "Three Strikes" crime bill (three felonies and you're jailed for life), was considering the following amendment:
Three strikes and you're out, unless the judge drops the gavel on the third strike and you can run out of the courtroom before the bailiff grabs you.
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Rachel Barton-Russell petitioned a court in Springfield, Ore., in February 1994 for a ruling on the meaning of the state's law against corpse abuse. Her deceased husband, Donal Eugene Russell, had declared in his will that he wanted his skin used to make book covers for a collection of his poetry, but the state Mortuary and Cemetery Board claims that carrying out that request would subject a funeral home to liability for corpse abuse.
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From the Dallas Morning News:
A prospective juror in a Dallas District Court was surprised by the definition of voluntary manslaughter given the panel:
"an intentional killing that occurs while the defendant is under the immediate influence of sudden passion arising from an adequate cause, such as when a spouse's mate is found in a 'compromising position.'"
"See, I have a problem with that passion business," responded the jury candidate. "During my first marriage, I came in and found my husband in bed with my neighbor. All I did was divorce him. I had no idea that I could have shot him."
She wasn't selected for the jury.
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Columbia, S.C. (AP) - A retired judge drew 1 1/2 years in prison for awarding a woman child support and custody of her child in exchange for sex. The woman's lawyer, who arranged the trysts, got a two-year sentence and a $1,500 fine from by Circuit Judge Thomas Cooper. Former Family Court Judge Sam Mendenhall, who retired in 1992, pleaded guilty Monday to misconduct. The lawyer, Samuel Fewell, pleaded guilty to conspiracy. Mendenhall, 54, and Fewell, 58, are former state legislators.
Dorothy Carpenter said Mendenhall awarded her custody and child support in 1983 and 1984 in exchange for sex. Carpenter said she also had sex with Fewell in exchange for legal services but fired him in 1985 after he and the judge grew too demanding.
Carpenter, who is facing unrelated arson charges, filed a complaint against Mendenhall and Fewell in 1991 with the state Supreme Court, which oversees the judicial system. She said her lawyer in the arson case urged her to file the complaint.
Carpenter is charged with conspiracy in connection with a 1991 fire in her Clover home that killed two people. The case is pending. Fewell's sentence will run concurrently with a 2 1/2-year federal sentence he received in March for cocaine possession and tax evasion.
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THEN THERE'S THE CLASSIC (AND OLD) COURTROOM SKIT
The judge says to the defendant "How do you plead?"
To which the defendant replies, "Like this" and kneels down, folds his hands and looks at the judge as if worshiping him. Then he starts begging, "Please! I didn't do it! I'm innocent! Please, let me go..." etc.
The Darksucker Conspiracy
For years the electrical utility companies have led the public to believe they were in business to supply electricity to the consumer, a service for which they charge a substantial rate. The recent accidental acquisition of secret records from a well known power company has led to a massive research campaign which positively explodes several myths and exposes the massive hoax which has been perpetrated upon the public by the power companies.
The most common hoax promoted the false concept that light bulbs emitted light; in actuality, these 'light' bulbs actually absorb DARK which is then transported back to the power generation stations via wire networks. A more descriptive name has now been coined; the new scientific name for the device is DARKSUCKER.
This newsletter introduces a brief synopsis of the darksucker theory, which proves the existence of dark and establishes the fact that dark has great mass, and further, that dark particle (the anti-photon) is the fastest known particle in the universe. Apparently, even the celebrated Dr. Albert Einstein did not suspect the truth.. that just as COLD is the absence of HEAT, LIGHT is actually the ABSENCE of DARK... scientists have now proven that light does not really exist!
The basis of the darksucker theory is that electric light bulbs suck dark. Take for example, the darksuckers in the room where you are right now. There is much less dark right next to the darksuckers than there is elsewhere, demonstrating their limited range. The larger the darksucker, the greater its capacity to suck dark. Darksuckers in a parking lot or on a football field have a much greater capacity than the ones in used in the home, for example.
It may come as a surprise to learn that darksuckers also operate on a celestial scale; witness the Sun. Our Sun makes use of dense dark, sucking it in from all the planets and intervening dark space. Naturally, the Sun is better able to suck dark from the planets which are situated closer to it, thus explaining why those planets appear brighter than do those which are far distant from the Sun.
Occassionally, the Sun actually oversucks; under those conditions, dark spots appear on the surface of the Sun. Scientists have long studied these 'sunspots' and are only recently beginning to realize that the dark spots represent leaks of high pressure dark because the Sun has oversucked dark to such an extent that some dark actually leaks back into space. This leakage of high pressure dark frequently causes problems with radio communications here on Earth due to collisions between the dark particles as they stream out into space at high velocity via the black 'holes' in the surface of the Sun.
As with all manmade devices, darksuckers have a finite lifetime caused by the fact that they are not 100% efficient at transmitting collected dark back to the power company via the wires from your home, causing dark to build up slowly within the device. Once they are full of accumulated dark, they can no longer suck. This condition can be observed by looking for the black spot on a full darksucker when it has reached maximum capacity of untransmitted dark... you have surely noticed that dark completely surrounds a full darksucker because it no longer has the capacity to suck any dark at all.
A candle is a primitive darksucker. A new candle has a white wick. You will notice that after the first use the wick turns black, representing all the dark which has been sucked into it. If you hold a pencil next to the wick of an operating candle, the tip will turn black because it got in the way of the dark flowing into the candle. It is of no use to plug a candle into an electrical outlet; it can only collect dark.. it has no transmission capabilities. Unfortunately, these primitive darksuckers have a very limited range and are hazardous to operate because of the intense heat produced.
There are also portable darksuckers called flashlights. The bulbs in these devices collect dark which is passed to a dark storage unit called a battery. When the dark storage unit is full, it must be either emptied (a process called 'recharging') or replaced before the portable darksucker can continue to operate. If you break open a battery, you will find dense black dark inside, evidence that it is actually a compact dark storage unit.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and Santa was a wreck.
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged," they were calling themselves;
And labor conditions at the North Pole
Were alleged by the unions to stifle the soul.
The reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced by four pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had all been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the EPA.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Smoke from his pipe had workers quite frightened.
His fur-trimmed suit was called, "unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolph was suing over use of his nose.
He had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, he'd never had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him, and nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim, nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls, or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific,
Nothing that's warlike, or non-pacifistic.
No candy or sweets - they were bad for the tooth
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
They raised the hackles of those psychological,
Who claimed the only good gift was ecological.
No baseball, no football, someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe.
Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, he tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every skin hue;
Everyone, everywhere - even you.
So here is that gift, it's priced beyond worth -
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Deep Thoughts From Supermodels
ON COURAGE "They were doing a full back shot of me in a swimsuit and I thought, Oh my God, I have to be so brave. See, every woman hates herself from behind." -- Cindy Crawford
ON SELF-KNOWLEDGE "Everywhere I went, my cleavage followed. But I learned I am not my cleavage." -- Carole Mallory
ON POVERTY "Everyone should have enough money to get plastic surgery." -- Beverly Johnson
ON FATE "I wish my butt did not go sideways, but I guess I have to face that." -- Christie Brinkley
ON PSYCHOLOGY "I loved making 'Rising Sun'. I got into the psychology of why she liked to get strangled and tied up in plastic bags. It has to do with low self-worth." -- Tatjana Patitz
ON ARRIVING "Because modeling is lucrative, I'm able to save up and be more particular about the acting roles I take." -- Kathy Ireland, star of 'Alien From L.A.' and 'Danger Island'
ON CAREER CHOICES "My boyfriend thinks I lost my true calling to be a librarian." -- Paulina Porizkova
ON PRIORITIES "I would rather exercise than read a newspaper." -- Kim Alexis
ON GEOPOLITICS "Mick Jagger and I just really liked each other a lot. We talked all night. We had the same views on nuclear disarmament." -- Jerry Hall
ON INNER STRENGTH "I love the confidence that makeup gives me." -- Tyra Banks
ON DEATH "Richard doesn't really like me to kill bugs, but sometimes I can't help it." -- Cindy Crawford
ON TRAVEL "I haven't seen the Eiffel Tower, Notre Dame, the Louvre. I haven't seen anything. I don't really care." -- Tyra Banks
ON BREAKTHROUGHS "Once I got past my anger toward my mother, I began to excel in volleyball and modeling." -- Gabrielle Reece
ON EPIPHANY "I just found out that I'm one inch taller than I thought." -- Christie Brinkley
ON HEREDITY "My husband was just OK looking. I was in labor and I said to him, 'What if she's ugly? You're ugly.'" -- Beverly Johnson
ON THE BASICS "It's very important to have the right clothing to exercise in. If you throw on an old T-shirt or sweats, it's not inspiring for your workout." -- Cheryl Tiegs
ON INTRODUCTIONS "I think most people are curious about what it would be like to be able to meet yourself -- it's eerie." -- Christy Turlington
ON COURTSHIP "The soundtrack to 'Indecent Exposure' is a romantic mix of music that I know most women love to hear, so I never keep it far from me when women are nearby." -- Fabio
ON PARADOX "Sometimes I get lonely, but it's nice to be alone." -- Tatjana Patitz
College Degrees
And What They Really Mean
Sometimes it seems that what we study in college doesn't have much relation to what we end up doing for a living. Following is a list of various degrees, as well as what graduates actually end up doing after earning them.
Computer Science:
College
Spend most of your time in a dimly lit lab, playing XTrek and drinking Jolt. Interact only with other CS majors, and only via the 'net if you can manage it. Become passionately involved only in the continuing IBM/Commodore/Macintosh debate.
Real Life
Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning.
Psychology:
College
Spend most of your time in a dimly-lit lab, playing with rats and other vermin. Drink Jolt by the six-pack to stay up all night with the rodents. Interact only with other Psychos, but only to analyze their behavior in non-lab situations. Become involved in the continuing debate over whether a trained rat could succeed as a comp sci major.
Real Life
Spend most of your time in an unemployment line and living in a cardboard box with other vermin, wishing you'd changed to CS instead of the rat. Continue to consider yourself superior to social work majors.
Economics:
College
Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit room full of charts and graphs. Learn about supply and demand, GNP, supply and demand, prime rates, supply and demand, inflation, and supply and demand.
Real Life
Spend most of your time in a brightly-lit government office with people who look just like you. Issue reports you wrote in college because you're too lazy to write a new one. Watch newscaster explain your report to unsuspecting viewers. Listen to President explain that the economy sucks because of unemployed psychologists.
Philosophy:
College
Read books by dead guys. Debate whether a tree falling alone in a forest will say, "Oh, crud! Not again!" Consider the ethical problems in the killing of annoying street mimes. Get failed by prof for not liking correct dead guy.
Real Life
Spend most of your time in a dimly lit office, playing Flight Simulator and drinking gourmet coffee...at least five cups an hour. Interact only with your own project team, and then only via e-mail. Become passionately involved in the continuing debate over who pays when the schedule slips, which wasn't your fault because you told them to take DOOM-playing into account from the beginning. Be thankful you switched to comp sci, which pays better than being a dead philosopher.
Math:
College
Spend your time in a cramped office, thinking about polydimensional shapes and arguing their properties with other mathematicians. Scream when they steal your work. Steal their work. Be a social outcast.
Real Life See above. You work for the university.
Diary Of A Young Couple
Aug. 12
Moved to our new home in South Dakota. It is so beautiful here. The grasslands and hills are so serene and picturesque. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them. God's Country... I love it here.
Oct. 14
South Dakota is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are turning all different colors. I love the shades of red, yellow, and orange. I went for a ride through some beautiful river bottoms and spotted some deer. They are so graceful, certainly they are the most peaceful animals on earth. This must be paradise... I love it here.
Nov. 11
Deer season will start soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such an elegant creature. The very symbol of peace and tranquillity. Hope it will snow soon... I love it here.
Dec. 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won), and when the plow came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. Mother Nature in perfect harmony... I love South Dakota.
Dec. 12
More snow last night. I love it. The snow plow did his trick again (that rascal). A winter wonderland... I love it here.
Dec. 19
More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work this time. I'm exhausted from shoveling. Stupid snow plow.
Dec. 22
More of that white crap fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think the snow plow man hides around the curve and waits until I'm done shoveling this driveway, the butthead!
Dec. 25
"White Christmas" my butt! More stupid snow. If I ever get my hands on that idiot who drives that snow plow, I swear I'll castrate him! Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the stupid ice.
Dec. 28
More white crap last night. Been inside since Christmas Day except for shoveling out the driveway after "snow plow Harry" comes by every time. Can't go anywhere, car's buried in a mountain of white crap. The weatherman says expect another 10 inches of the crap tonight. Do you know how many shovels-full of snow 10 inches is?
Jan. 1
Happy Flipping New Year. The weatherman was wrong (again). We got 34 inches of the white crap this time. At this rate it won't melt before the 4th of July. The snow plow got stuck up the road, and the butthead had the gall to come to the door and ask to borrow my shovel. After I told him I've broken 6 shovels already, shoveling all the snow he pushed into the driveway, I broke my last one over his head.
Jan. 4
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on the way back a stupid deer ran in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
Apr. 3
Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rotting out from all the salt they keep dumping all over the road? Car looks like a piece of crap.
Apr. 10
Moved to Texas. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in God-Forsaken state of South Dakota.
EDUCATION HUMOR
Local College Offers Star Trek Anthropology Course
An article in the Thursday, February 7 Free Lance-Star (Fredericksburg, VA) by Michael Zitz was about an undergraduate anthropology course examining episodes of Star Trek (TOS) for their anthropological relevance. The instructor, Professor Margaret Huber, had noticed that students who seemed bored and listless during a review session for physical anthropology perked up when she referred to an old Star Trek episode to make a point.
The course Anthropology 472: Anthology of Star Trek analyzes Star Trek as a mirror of contemporary American culture and American attitudes about other cultures. There is no dramatic criticism, film criticism, or literary criticism involved, the focus is to teach the class to look at the episodes with an anthropologist's eye. The 22 episodes chosen for this class all demonstrate how American popular culture has led to a mixture of fact and fiction. One example used is "The Paradise Syndrome", in which Captain Kirk is stranded on an Earth-like planet that has produced a civilization similar to that of Native Americans before the intrusion of the white man.
The anthropological point of this episode is that American popular culture portrays all Native Americans as Plains Indians, and that has resulted in a mish-mash of dwellings, dress, rites, and symbols in the Star Trek episode.
The instructor cautions that this is not a course for those students looking for an easy A but a real anthropology course that uses material that many of today's college students are already familiar with to examine anthropological theory.
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These are actual excerpts from student science exam papers:
Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species.
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers.
The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.
To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.
The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.
To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.
A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.
The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.
The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader.
An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.
We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.
English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.
By self-pollination, the farmer may get a flock of long-haired sheep.
If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.
Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.
A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.
The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.
When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.
It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.
Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions.
For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles.
When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.
When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
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Things (Not) To Do Or Say At Or For Your Thesis Defense
"Ladies and Gentlemen, please rise for the singing of our National Anthem."
Charge 25 cents a cup for coffee.
"Charge the mound" when a professor beans you with a high fast question.
Describe parts of your thesis using interpretive dance.
"Musical accompaniment provided by..."
Stage your own death/suicide.
Lead the specators in a Wave.
Have a sing-a-long.
"You call THAT a question? How did they make you a professor?"
"Ladies and Gentlemen, as I dim the lights, please hold hands and
concentrate so that we may channel the spirit of Lord Kelvin..."
Have bodyguards outside the room to "discourage" certain professors from sitting in.
Puppet show.
Group prayer.
Animal sacrifice to the god of the Underworld.
Sell T-shirts to recoup the cost of copying, binding, etc.
"I'm sorry, I can't hear you - there's a banana in my ear!"
Imitate Groucho Marx.
Mime.
Hold a Tupperware party.
Have a bikini-clad model be in charge of changing the overheads.
"Everybody rhumba!!"
"And it would have worked if it weren't for those meddling kids..."
Charge a cover and check for ID.
"In protest of our government's systematic and brutal opression of minorities..."
"Anybody else as drunk as I am?"
Smoke machines, dramatic lighting, pyrotechnics...
Use a Super Soaker to point at people.
Surreptitioulsy fill the room with laughing gas.
Door prizes and a raffle.
"Please phrase your question in the form of an answer..."
"And now, a word from our sponsor..."
Present your entire talk in iambic pentameter.
Whine piteously, beg, cry...
Switch halfway through your talk to Pig Latin. Or Finnish Pig Latin.
The Emperor's New Slides ("only fools can't see the writing...")
Table dance (you or an exotic dancer).
Fashion show.
"Yo, a smooth shout out to my homies..."
"I'd like to thank the Academy..."
Minstrel show (blackface, etc.).
Previews, cartoons, and the Jimmy Fund.
Pass the collection basket.
Two-drink minimum.
Black tie only.
"Which reminds me of a story - A Black guy, a Chinese guy, and a Jew walked into a bar..."
Incite a revolt.
Hire the Goodyear Blimp to circle the building.
Release a flock of doves.
Defense by proxy.
"And now a reading from the Book of Mormon..."
Leave Jehovah's Witness pamphlets scattered about.
"There will be a short quiz after my presentation..."
"Professor Robinson, will you marry me?"
Bring your pet boa.
Tell ghost stories.
Do a "show and tell".
Food fight.
Challenge a professor to a duel. Slapping him with a glove is optional.
Halftime show.
"Duck, duck, duck, duck... GOOSE!"
"OK - which one of you farted?"
Sell those big foam "We're number #1 (sic)" hands.
Pass out souvenier matchbooks.
3-ring defense.
"Tag - you're it!"
Circulate a vicious rumor that the Dead will be opening, making sure that it gets on the radio stations, and escape during all the commotion.
Post signs: "Due to a computer error at the Registrar's Office, the original room is not available, and the defense has been relocated to (made-up non-existent room number)"
Hang a pinata over the table and have a strolling mariachi band.
Make each professor remove an item of clothing for each question he asks.
Rent a billboard on the highway proclaiming "Thanks for passing me Professors X,Y, and Z" - BEFORE your defense happens.
Have a make-your-own-sundae table during the defense.
Make committee members wear silly hats.
Simulate your experiment with a virtual reality system for the spectators.
Do a soft-shoe routine.
Throw a masquerade defense, complete with bobbing for apples and pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey.
Use a Greek Chorus to highlight important points.
"The responsorial psalm can be found on page 124 of the thesis..."
Tap dance.
Vaudeville.
"I'm sorry Professor Smith, I didn't say 'SIMON SAYS any questions?'. You're out."
Flex and show off those massive pecs.
Dress in top hat and tails.
Hold a pre-defense pep rally, complete with cheerleaders, pep band, and a bonfire.
Detonate a small nuclear device in the room. Or threaten to.
Shadow puppets.
Show slides of your last vacation.
Put your overheads on a film strip. Designate a professor to be in charge of turning the strip when the tape recording beeps.
Same as above, but instead of a tape recorder, go around the room making a different person read the pre-written text for each picture.
"OK, everybody - heads down on the desk until you show me you can behave."
Call your advisor "sweetie".
Have everyone pose for a group photo.
Instant replay.
Laugh maniacally.
Talk with your mouth full.
Start speaking in tongues.
Explode.
Implode.
Spontaneously combust.
Answer every question with a question.
Moon everyone in the room after you are done.
"Laugh, will you? Well, they laughed at Galileo, they laughed at Einstein."
Hand out 3-D glasses.
"I'm rubber, you're glue..."
Go into labor (especially for men).
Give your entire speech in a "Marvin Martian" accent.
"I don't know - I didn't write this."
Before your defense, build trapdoors underneath all the seats.
Swing in through the window, yelling a la Tarzan.
Lock the department head and his secretary out of the defense room. And the coffee lounge, the department office, the copy room, and the mail room. Heck, lock them out of the building. And refuse to sell them stamps.
Roll credits at the end. Include a "key grip", and a "best boy".
Hang a disco ball in the center of the room. John Travolta pose optional.
Invite the homeless.
"I could answer that, but then I'd have to kill you"
Hide.
Get a friend to ask the first question. Draw a blank-loaded gun and "shoot" him. Have him make a great scene of dying (fake blood helps). Turn to the stunned audience and ask "any other comments?"
Same as above, except use real bullets.
"Well, I saw it on the internet, so I figured it might be a good idea..."
Wear clown makeup, a clown wig, clown shoes, and a clown nose. And nothing else.
Use the words "marginalized", "empowerment", and "patriarchy".
Play Thesis Mad Libs.
Try to use normal printed paper on the overhead projector.
Do your entire defense operatically.
Invite your parents. Especially if they are fond of fawning over you. ("We always knew he was such an intelligent child")
Flash "APPLAUSE" and "LAUGHTER" signs.
Mosh pit.
Have cheerleaders. ("Gimme an 'A'!!")
Bring Howard Cosell out of retirement to do color commentary.
"I say Hallelujah, brothers and sisters!"
Claim political asylum.
Traffic reports every 10 minutes on the 1's.
Introduce the "Eyewitness Thesis Team". Near the end of your talk, cut to Jim with sports and Alison with the weather.
Live radio and TV coverage.
Hang a sign that says "Thank you for not asking questions"
Bring a microphone. Point it at the questioner, talk-show style.
Use a TelePromTer
"Take my wife - please!"
Refuse to answer questions unless they phrase the question as a limerick.
Have everyone bring wine glasses. When they clink the glasses with a spoon, you have to kiss your thesis. Or your advisor.
Offer a toast.
Firewalk.
Start giving your presentation 15 minutes early.
Play drinking thesis games. Drink for each overhead. Drink for each question.
Chug for each awkward pause. This goes for the audience as well.
Swoop in with a cape and tights, Superman style.
"By the power of Greyskull..."
Use any past or present Saturday Night Live catchphrase. Not.
Stand on the table.
"You think this defense was bad? Let me read this list to show you what I COULD have done..."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dear Fellow Scientist:
This letter has been around the world at least seven times. It has been to many major conferences. Now it has come to you. It will bring you good fortune. This is true even if you don't believe it. But you must follow these instructions:
--include in your next journal article the citations below.
--remove the first citation from the list and add a citation to your journal article at the bottom.
--make ten copies and send them to colleagues.
Within one year, you will be cited up to 10,000 times! This will amaze your fellow faculty, assure your promotion and improve your sex life. In addition, you will bring joy to many colleagues. Do not break the reference loop, but send this letter on today.
Dr. H. received this letter and within a year after passing it on she was elected to the National Academy of Sciences. Prof. M. threw this letter away and was denied tenure. In Japan, Dr. I. received this letter and put it aside. His article for Trans. on Nephrology was rejected. He found the letter and passed it on, and his article was published that year in the New England Journal of Medicine. In the Midwest, Prof. K. failed to pass on the letter, and in a budget cutback his entire department was eliminated. This could happen to you if you break the chain of citations.
1. Miller, J. (1992).
Post-modern neo-cubism and the wave theory of light.
Journal of Cognitive Artifacts, 8, 113-117.
2. Johnson, S. (1991).
Micturition in the canid family: the irresistable pull of the hydrant.
Physics Quarterly, 33, 203-220.
3. Anderson, R. (1990). Your place or mine?:
An empirical comparison of two models of human mating behavior. Psychology Yesterday 12, 63-77.
4. David, E. (1994).
Modern Approaches to Chaotic Heuristic Optimization:
Means of Analyzing Non-Linear Intelligent Networks with Emergent Symbolic Structure.
(doctoral dissertation, University of California at Santa Royale El Camino del Rey Mar Vista by-the-sea).
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Marvin Moss, a Hollywood agent, started off poor and made it big. When he died 2-3 years ago, he left several million dollars to the college he attended to be used for fun. No academics, they have to spend the money on recreation and other things that are fun for the students.
What a way to go. And it's tax deductible.
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A "small college story" going around here (at least three people have told me this story, each one claiming it was them):
A student, working on a rather long math homework assignment, discovered that one problem fairly easy to solve, except that it required about three pages of fairly simple proof after the one or two difficult steps. It being rather late at night, he did the difficult steps and left the proof undone, along with a note:
This proof is left as an exercise for the grader.
Next week, he received his homework back. He noted that several extra pages had been stapled to the back of it. Examining the extra pages, he was surprised to find the entire proof written down step-by step. At the end, in red pen, the grader had written:
I made a minor math error. Minus 2.
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Back when I was attending the University of Utah, the school newspaper ran a joke ad for a debate between Phil Donahue and Whiskers the Lamb. Over 30 people showed up. (What they were expecting, God only knows.)
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My brother went to the University of Chicago which has a terrible football team. They were in a league against intellectually third-rate colleges, and the U of C cheer was: That's all right, That's okay, You're going to work for us someday!
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At an Oxford college, they were debating what to do with all their money. The concensus was to buy land, since "for the past thousand years, land has proven to be a very wise investment for the college." The crusty old patriarch piped in, "True, but the past thousand years have been atypical."
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Dean: I hate to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but your son is a moron. Jones: What?! Where is that young good-for-nothing? I'll teach him not to join a fraternity without consulting me!
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Grad-Student Emotion Check List
6:30am Wake up and lie awake in bed.
6:31 Realize you spent $18 on last night's dinner, which means no eating out for the next 6 weeks
6:32 Hit snooze button. Go back to sleep.
7:00 Wake up suddenly with heart in mouth when you realize you didn't hit the snooze button; you turned it off.
7:01 Fall asleep again.
7:44 Wake up with heart in mouth again.
7:45 Ready to go to school, will shave tommorrow, will eat early brunch at (Denny's/Penny's/Lenny's/Dinko's/whatever cafeteria).
8:03 Arrive at school. Realize your foreign officemate arrived earlier today. Must have got more work done.
8:04 Pass by advisor's office, chat with secretary to find out if he is coming in today. He is, darn. Need to start work on the draft due this afternoon.
8:15 Read electronic mail.
8:20 Delete mail from students taking CMPSC201 regarding questions about the class. Hate your TA job. Depression: too much work to do today
9:00 For jumpstart, go to Pepsi machine.
9:05 Kick Pepsi machine; promise yourself to call up the company and ask for your money back. Wonder why they would beleive you.
9:33 Start printing out loads of stuff that may be vaguely related to your work.
9:41 Early morning stupefaction. Mutter racist comments to yourself about your officemate.
9:43 Curse your officemate in a low tone he would not comprehend. Feel good about him not grasping English well.
9:58 Finger everyone in the department and most people half way around the world (using the "finger" command, of course)
10:19 Feel sleepy, should not have stayed late playing tetris last night.
10:31 Momentary panic attack!!!!!!!!!!!!
10:43 Edit .plan file. Write a shell program to edit .plan more easily.
10:59 Drop in at advisor's office and borrow something you don't need and kinda make him aware you are working hard on your project.
11:05 Perverted daydreams.
11:11 Read electronic news. Mid-morning yawn time.
11:34 Start typing junk at a very high key-in rate to pretend you are working hard as your advisor passes by from outside.
11:35 Press the BackSpace key for one and a half minutes until all the garbage you typed in is erased. Realize that you can type more than 256 characters per half minute.
11:41 Flirt with the new girl in the department.
11:47 Print them again, you forgot to change the date from last presentation.
11:49 Print another copy in case this one gets lost.
11:51 Completely forget about sueing the coffee-machine company.
12:15 Hunger pangs.
12:20 BigMac/Fries time. Drink a not-so-cold generic can of cola from your desk. Ch-Ching, you just saved 35 cents by buying bulk cola.
1:00 Group Meeting with advisor
1:14 Sudden awareness of one's shallowness. Resentment towards foriegn officemate for sucking up to your advisor. Get reminded by your advisor that you need to do some more work for your literature survey.
1:51 Advisor hands you the reddened copy of your draft for corrections
1:51:02 The 49 second urge to murder advisor begins!!
1:51:52 Realize that he controls your assistantship/grade/graduation possiblity/ graduation date/all job opportunities/and the rest of your life.
1:52:53 Thank him
1:52:54 Thank yourself for not saying something stupid to your advisor.
1:53:00 Splitting headache #1.
1:59 Check electronic mail, don't reply though, you are too busy to do that.
2:06 More generic cola.
2:17 Oh no, it is my turn to cook tonite :-(
2:30 Sit through the class you were told to sit through.
2:39 Look outside the window make unrealistic plans to quit this degree program and take up a job. Wonder why blonde girls are so pretty.
2:48 More perverted daydreams. Close the office door and open a few .gif files. Sharpen pencil.
3:06 Worry about never graduating. Time to write a letter, NOT! No time for that. Rearrange desk. Call up bank; see if you have any money. Fear of losing aid next fall. Read latex manuals to figure out how to put &$%&% in %$^% format
3:43 Watch the clock. Make plans to do a all-nighter tonite. Vow to watch only 2 TV programs
4:58 Notice advisor leave.
4:58:01 Sudden sense of freedom. Go home for quick, short dinner break.
9:00pm Come into the office.
9:01pm The hard working grad student you are, you have to come to the office late at night to "get the work done".
9:03 Check electronic mail. Decide it would be a good time to attack those FTP sites since network wont be loaded. Run into "since network won't be loaded" traffic and get the pictures into your machine. Compress all unwanted research/class directories to make space. Back up all your pictures
10:11 Admire pictures. Begin work; Realize you need references. Realize it's too late today to go to the library. Sudden feeling of having wasted the day.
10:49 Sudden feeling of possibly having to waste the night. Decide to turn in early and come back very early tommorrow morning. Decide to play a Tetris on the system to put yourself in a good mood.
11:15 Play game after game after game to improve your score and get on the scoreboard. Realize that your officemate is still at number 6, two notches above you on the scoreboard.
12:20 Play until you beat your officemate into the 7th place. A sense of achievment! Yes, today was not wasted! Return home to find your roommate watching David Letterman reruns on NBC. Tell him about the "hard working grad student day you had". Discuss philosophy with roommate.
1:09 Think about becoming a philosopher and dining with 4 others (The Dining Philosophers problem, hee hee :-) (Comp Sci joke) Argue with him about politics, why people prefer Japanese cars and whether it is better to set the heat to "hot" or "cold" to defrost the windshields faster.
1:49 Realize neither of you have bought milk today. Get reminded of the "too much milk problem".
2:04 Forget about getting up early. Turn the phone ringer off and go to sleep.
(repeat)
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From The Seattle Times, Saturday, Dec 17th, 1988: The University of Wisconsin presented nearly 4,000 diplomas to graduates in May, but it took six months for someone to notice that the name of the state was misspelled 'Wisconson'.
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Joseph Hazelwood, convicted of misdemeanor negligence for leaving the bridge of the Exxon Valdez before it ran aground and created the nation's worst oil spill, has been hired to teach students at the Maritime College of the State University of New York how to stand watch!
What's next?
The Leona Helmsley School of Tax Preparation
The Mike Tyson Charm School
The William Kennedy Smith Dating Service
The Saddam Hussein Military Academy
The Charles Keating Chair in Business Ethics
The Daryl Gates/Al Sharpton Study on Race Relations
The Don King Barber College
The Louis Farrakhan School of Diplomacy
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One of my engineering profs was from Egypt. He was an agreeable fellow but his teaching style was vomitorious and his English was unintelligible. One day, he announced an exam for February 2. One guy shouted in an astonished tone, "BUT THAT'S GROUNDHOG DAY!!"
"Vot? Iss zees a releegious holiday?" he asked.
We strung him along for several minutes. He finally caught onto the joke and laughed with us. We were ultimately saved by the outbreak of war between Egypt and Israel; he suddenly quit and went home.
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In one of the smaller towns in Texas, a completely new school board was voted into office in the 1988 election. After taking over, they dutifully issued a budget for FY1990, carefully balanced to projected revenues.
When the state's Board of Education in Austin asked why they planned to spend NO money on foreign language education that year, the answer was, "We don't hold with new-fangled ways. If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, it should be good enough for the children of our town."
Last I heard, no one from Austin has been able to show them the flaw in their logic.
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How To Take Notes
When the professor says:
Probably the greatest quality of the poetry of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the combination of beauty and power. Few have excelled him in the use of the English language, or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest single poem ever written.
You write:
John Milton - born 1608
When the professor says:
When Lafayette first came to this country, he discovered America. The Americans needed his help if their cause was to survive, and this he promptly supplied them.
You write:
Lafayette discovered America
When the professor says:
Current historians have come to doubt the complete advantageousness of some of Roosevelt's policies.
You write:
Most of the problems that now face the United States are directly traceable to the bungling and greed of Roosevelt.
When the professor says:
It is possible that we do not understand the Russian viewpoint.
You write:
The professor is a communist.
When the professor says:
The puissance of hydrochloric acid is incontestable; however, the corrosive residue is inharmonious with metallic persistance.
You write:
Hydrochloric acid eats steel.
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Professor: I'm dismissing you ten minutes earlier today. Please get out quietly not to wake up the other classes.
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This maybe something of a 'college legend', but I heard it as true:
A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?". The student wrote: "This.", signed it, and turned it in.
I never knew what happened to the student, but I hope he got an A.
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Bellevue, WA
There's a story circulating through the Bellevue School District about the woman who called wanting information on home schooling.
Both Lake Washington (Renton, WA) and Bellevue districts are noted for their support of home schoolers, and the Bellevue spokesperson was explaining procedures and what to do to the mother on the telephone.
Among other things, the mother needed to file a declaration of intent, a kind of home school registration. The spokeswoman offered to send out the proper form.
The mother gave a Renton address.
The spokeswoman suggested registering the children in her home district in Renton, the Lake Washington School District.
"No way," said the mother. "Everyone knows Bellevue schools are much better than Renton schools."
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There were three work crews, each with engineers from Stanford, Cornell, and RIT. Each crew were to install as many telephone poles as they could in one day.
At the end of the day, the foreman walks up to the Stanford Engineer. He asks, "How many telephone poles did you put up?"
"Twenty Seven" replies the Stanford Engineer.
"Excellent!" exclaims the foreman, and he goes to the Cornell Engineer and asks the same question.
"Twenty three" replies the Cornell engineer.
"Not bad!" acknowledges the foreman and he goes to the RIT engineer, and again asks the question.
"Three" was the answer.
"You mean," said the surprised foreman, "That the others did twenty seven and twenty three and you only did three?"
"Well, yeah, but look how much they left sticking out!"
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The following wedding announcement appeared in a newspaper about a year ago.
Mr. and Mrs. Adam Ledford of Lincolnton announce the engagement and forthcoming marriage of their daughter, Bridgett Ledford, to John May, both of Boone. Ms. Ledford is an Appalachian State University graduate with a bachelor of science degree in communications. She is a pharmacist technician at Boone Drug on Deerfield road. May is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Bill Tucker of Raleigh. He is also an ASU graduate and has a bachelor of arts degree in philosophy and religion. He is employed by Domino's Pizza.
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Seen in a classified ad:
For sale: One AK-47 machine gun, used to threaten but never fired. 20 rounds per second, adjustable speed, laser scope, tri-pod. $50 obo. Inquire during Miss Johnson's 5th period English class, Berkeley High. Ask for Timmy.
LEAK
Chris was at a foreign hotel and in the middle of the night there was a dripping sound. He realized that there was a leak in the sink in his room. He called management and said "I got a leak in my sink."
The guy said, "Yeah, go ahead."
The Angry Husband
John called home to talk to his wife. The maid answered the phone and John asked for his wife. The maid put him on hold before coming back and saying, "She's in bed with her boyfriend."
John was furious. In his craziness, he said, "There's a shotgun in the closet up stairs. Take it out and shoot them both."
John heard two shots being fired before the maid came back and said, "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the pool."
"What pool?"
"Uhhh... There's a pool behind the house, isn't there?"
"No..."
Shocked, John says, "Oh, I'm sorry. Is this 555-1435?"
YESERDAY!!!!
Yesterday
Yesterday,
All those backups seemed a waste of pay.
Now my database has gone away.
Oh I believe in yesterday.
Suddenly,
There's not half the files there used to be,
And there's a milestone
hanging over me
The system crashed so suddenly.
I pushed something wrong
What it was I could not say.
Now all my data's gone
and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay.
Yesterday,
The need for back-ups seemed so far away.
I knew my data was all here to stay,
Now I believe in yesterday.
How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.
Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has a distorted display.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
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Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
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Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
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Q: How do I create an empty New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do I Exit without Saving?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
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Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has lines that prevent me from doing my art project.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
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Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
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Q: How do I keep from losing my Etch-A-Sketch documents in the middle of my work?
A: Stop shaking it.
Trapezoid
A device for catching zoids.
Cubic
The language spoken in Cuba.
Joan of Arc
Noah's Wife
The Final Exam
Instructions: Read each question thoroughly. Answer all questions. Time limit - four hours. Begin immediately.
History
Describe the history of the Papacy from its origins to the present day, concentrate specifically but not exclusively, on the social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, Asia, America and Africa. Be brief, concise and specific.
Literature
Compose an epic poem based on the events of your own life in which you see and footnote allusions from T.S. Eliot, Keats, Chaucer, Dante, Norse mythology and the Marx brothers. Critique your poem with a full discussion of its metrics.
Music
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate it and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat.
Art
Explain Mona Lisa's smile.
Religion
Assuming the Judeo-Christian moral structure, take the stand for Adam and Eve, and the eating of the forbidden fruit. Explain your position fully to a Chassidic Rabbi, and answer his arguments. An Anglican bishop will moderate this debate.
Logic
Using accepted methodology prove all four of the following That the universe is infinite; that truth is beauty; that there is not a little person who turns off the light in the refrigerator when you close the door, and that you are the person taking this exam. Now disprove all of the above. Be specific; show all work.
Philosophy
Sketch the development of human thought; estimate its significance. Compare with the development of any other kind of thought.
Epistemology
Take a position for or against truth. Prove the validity of your position.
Medicine
You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your own appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have fifteen minutes.
Biology
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed five hundred years earlier, with special attention to the probable effects on the English Parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.
Psychology
Employing principles from the major schools of psychoanalytic thought, successfully subject yourself to analysis. Make appropriate personality changes, bill yourself and fill out all medical insurance forms. Now do the same to the person seated to your immediate left. Also, based on your degree of knowledge of their works, evaluate the emotional stability, degree of adjustment, and repressed frustrations of each of the following Alexander of Aphrodisias, Rameses II, Gregory of Nicea, Hammurabi. Support your evaluations with quotations from each man's work, making appropriate references. It is not necessary to translate.
Sociology
Estimate the sociological problems that might accompany the end of the world. Show how the boy meets girl theory developed. Construct and experiment to test your theory.
Economics
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of you plan in the following areas Cubism, the Donatist controversy, the wave theory of light. Outline a method from all points of view. Point out deficiencies in your argument as demonstrated in your answer to the last question.
Computer Science
Define computer. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all computer decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm, design the communications to interface and all the necessary control programs.
Management Science
Define Management. Define Science. How do they relate? Why? Create a generalized algorithm to optimize all managerial decisions. Assuming an 1130 CPU supporting 50 terminals, each terminal to activate your algorithm; design the communications interface and all necessary control programs.
Public Speaking
2,500 riot-crazed students are storming the classroom. Calm them. You may use any ancient language except Latin or Greek.
Physics
Explain the nature of matter. Include in your answer an evaluation of the impact of the development of mathematics on science.
Modern Physics
Disprove Einstein's Theory of Relativity. Construct an experiment to prove your position.
Engineering
The disassembled parts of a high-powered rifle have been placed in a box on your desk. You will also find an instruction manual, printed in Swahili. In ten minutes a hungry Bengal tiger will be admitted to the room. Take whatever action you feel is appropraite. Be prepared to justify your decision.
Agricultural Science
Outline the steps involved in breeding your own super high yield, all weather hybrid strain of wheat. Describe its chemical and physical properties and estimate its impact on world food supplies. Construct a model for dealing with world-wide surpluses. Write your Nobel Prize acceptance speech.
Comprehension
Three minute time test. Read everything before doing anything. Put your name in the upper right hand corner of this page. Circle the word name in sentence three. Sign your name under the title of this paper, after the title write yes, yes, yes. Put an X in the lower left hand corner of this paper. Draw a triangle around the X you just put down. On the back of this paper multiply 703x668. Loudly call out your name when you get to this point. If you think you have followed directions carefully to this point call out "I have." Punch three small holes in the top of this paper. If you are the first person to get this far, call out "I am the first person to this point, I am leading in following directions." On the reverse side of this paper add 8950 and 9850. Put a circle around your answer and put a square around the circle. Now that you have finished reading carefully, do only sentence two.
Political Science
There is a red telephone on the desk behind you. Start World War III. Report at length on its socio-political effects, if any.
Jurisprudence
In Part 2 of Shakespeare's "Henry VI", Jack Cade, the leader of the Populist revolt, proposes that the first order of business following a successful coup d'e'tat could be to "kill all the lawyers". In light of the present populist mood in the United States, assess the utility and any potential impact of such a policy today.
Foreign Affairs
It has recently been suggested (especially after Black Monday) that only a foreign war can restore America's lost national consensus. Propose the ideal opponent(s) for the US in such a war, and how the conflict might be engineered so that US would seem not to be the aggressor in the situation. Discuss the pros and cons.
Mathematics
Give today's date. In metric.
Chemistry
Transform lead into gold. You will find a tripod and three logs under your seat. Show all work including Feynman diagrams and quantum functions for all steps. You have fifteen minutes.
General Knowledge
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.
Extra Credit
Define the Universe. Give two examples.
Menu Bar
Where menus go for a good time.
Keystroke
When only one side of your keyboard functions.
Megahertz
What you feel when a computer drops on your foot.
Things To Do Instead Of Studying For Final Exams
Have a root canal
Eat dirt
Go to all of your classes
Clean out your bellybutton
Make crank calls
Gamble borrowed money
Sharpen your pencils (all of them)
Talk to yourself
Call 976-anything
Try on all your clothes at one time
Try on all your clothes one at a time
Memorize the phone book
Play your records backwards
Glue money to the floor and watch people try to pick it up
Go to the airport and meet people
Bite the heads off Gummi Bears and take them back to the supermarket
Start new rumors
Hold your breath till you pass out
Rub your eyes till you see stars
Fry ants with a magnfying glass
Set every clock in a building forward
Walk up to a salesperson and ask "May I help you?"
Go Christmas Caroling by yourself
Fun Things To Do In A Final Exam That Does Not Matter
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to)
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up!
For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc..).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
Bring a water pistol with you. Enough said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam.
Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets FOR ANOTHER CLASS (make sure this is obvious... like history notes for a calculus exam... otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you. Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think." Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx Sucks"
Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:
Dept Of Statistics:
All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.
Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.
Dept Of History:
All students get the same grade they got last year.
Dept Of Religion:
Grade is determined by God.
Dept Of Philosophy:
What is a grade?
Law School:
Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.
Dept Of Mathematics:
Grades are variable.
Dept Of Logic:
If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.
Dept Of Computer Science:
Random number generator determines grade.
Music Department:
Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note (+ and - would be sharp and flat respectively).
Dept Of Physical Education:
Everybody gets an A.
Philosophy professor at the front of the classroom with the following final exam question written on the blackboard:
"How do you plan to make a living with a philosophy degree?"
The story around Harvard was that there was a graduate Math course whose final always consisted of "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
Then one year, a student answered as follows:
The exam is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
The answer is: "Make up an appropriate final exam for this course and answer it. You will be graded on both parts."
His reasoning was that since that was the best exam the professor could write, it certainly ought to be good enough for a student. He got an A. The professor specifically prohibited that answer from then on.
While taking a psychology course in college, the teacher had a habit of putting the following questions on an exam:
Ask yourself a question and answer it.
Being a math major, I asked myself "Solve the following differential equation [* equation deleted *] under the following conditions [* conditions deleted *]" and proceeded to solve it.
The next day, I stopped by the math office to see one of the professors. He told me, "Go away, I'm stuck grading your stupid psych exam"
I got full credit, and the psych professor never put that question on an exam again.
Maybe it's a true story... But not mine!
A professor was known for being an easy grader. The grades he gave for a survey course (i. e. the type where you are expected to learn generalities and not specifics) were based entirely on two exams, and the stuff on the exams was entirely covered in the textbook. So showing up for class wasn't a big deal.
However, this started to get out of hand. As word of the course spread, at each semester, there was a larger block of students who would show up infrequently or not at all, except for the exam days. Finally, it got so bad that about half of the students one term never showed before the midterm. On the day of the midterm, everyone came in and a graduate assistant handed out exams, "Prof x. is sick, so he asked me to give you your exams."
There was only one question in the exam booklets: "Which one of the pictures below is of professor x?"
Obviously, the students who never showed up didn't know and had to guess. Many failed, while the students who had been showing up regularly got A's.
I've no idea how true it is or if it's an Urban Legend. This guy was taking an exam in Trinity College here (old college, about 400 years old). In the middle of the exam, he called a porter and requested his pint of ale. The porter, of course, just looked at him.
Our hero then produced a copy of the *old* regulations which stipulated that a gentleman was entitled to this type of refreshment.
The college authorities, fearing more expensive and disruptive episodes in the future, checked the college regulations. They then provided our man with his glass of ale, but promptly fined him for not wearing his ceremonial sword.
Not my story. These are somebody else's words!
This is true, told to me by a chemistry professor at Idaho State University.
The professor had the following as an extra credit question on an exam:
An age-old question is "How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?" Answer that question given the following:
Each angel requires an area equal to a circle with a diameter the size of a gold atom in which to dance.
The pin in question has a head which is a circular plane with a diameter of 0.5 mm.
Make any other assumptions necessary to solve the problem.
The professor was sorry to admit that he had to give full credit to the following answer:
I assume that angels do not exist.
The answer is 0
I LOVE THESE EXCUSES FOR BEING ABSENT!!!!
Dear School: Please eckuse John for been absent January 28, 29, 30, 32, and 33.
Chris has a acre on his side.
Mary could not come to school because she was bothered by very close veins.
John has been absent because he had two teeth taked out of his face.
Please excuse Gloria. She has been sick and under the doctor.
My son is under the doctor's care and should not take PE. Please execute him.
Lily was absent from school yesterday as she had a going over.
Please excuse Joey Friday. He had loose vowels.
Please excuse from Blanche from Jum today. She is administrating.
Please excuse Blanche from PE for a few days. Yesterday she fell out of a tree and misplaced her hip.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football, he was hurt in the growing part.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent the weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
Please excuse Dianna from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
Mary Ann was absent December ll-15 because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upsed stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Stuff Said by Kids (Related to Music)
"J.S. Bach died from 1750 to the present"
"Agnus Dei was a woman composer famous for her church music."
"Refrain means don't do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing."
"Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large."
"Beethove wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good. Beethoved expired in 1827 and later died from this."
"Henry Purcell is a well-known composer few people have ever heard of."
"An opera is a song of bigly size."
"A harp is a nude piano."
"Aaron Copland is one of our most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead."
"A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals."
"Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel."
"I know what a sextet is but I'd rather not say."
"Most authorities agree that music of antiquity was written long ago."
"My favorite composer is opus."
"Probably the most marvelous fugue was between the Hatfields and the McCoys."
"My very best liked piece is the bronze lullaby."
In The Beginning
In the Beginning God created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the cease and desist order for the earthly part.
Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative. Then God said, "Let there be light", and immediately the officials demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire: that he would obtain a building permit; and to conserve energy, would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night". Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed". The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth". Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was fine until God said he wanted to complete the project in Six days. Officials said it would take at least 200 days to review the application and impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
The Laws of Work
Just because most of us aren't told the laws, doesn't mean they don't exist. Ignorance of these laws is no excuse.
The first 90% of project takes 90% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
Following the rules will not get the job done.
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"
No matter how much you do, you never do enough.
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.
Lawyer Jokes
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?"
"3 dollars an ounce."
"How much for
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day, she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
Heard Alan King tell this on an Ed Sullivan retrospective:
The other day my house caught fire. My lawyer said, "Shouldn't be a problem. What kind of coverage do you have?" I said, "Fire and theft." The lawyer frowned. "Uh oh. Wrong kind. Should be fire OR theft."
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk.
The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until the end of time..)
"Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!".
They take flight once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best.
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out, "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replies, "Look here old fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first lawyer to make it up here!!"
The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.
2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.
3) Overcharging fees to many clients.
4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.
And the list goes on for quite awhile.
The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."
St. Peter looks in his book and says, "Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"
The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."
St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them."
At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer removed the cash and placed a check for $3000.
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go first, and the executioner follow."
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question."
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day, Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of mine."
"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?"
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
Definition of a lawyer: a man who helps you get what's coming to him.
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says, "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says, "How can you tell?". George says, "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer".
Product Liability Suit
In The United States District Court, Southwestern District, Tempe, Arizona Case No. B19293, Judge Joan Kujava, Presiding
Wile E. Coyote, Plaintiff vs. Acme Company, Defendant
Opening statement of Mr. Harold Schoff, attorney for Mr. Coyote:
My client, Mr. Wile E. Coyote, a resident of Arizona and contiguous states, does hearby bring suit for damages against the Acme Company, manufacturer and retail distributor of assorted merchandise, incorporated in Delaware and doing business in every state, district, and territory. Mr. Coyote seeks compensation for personal injuries, loss of business income, and mental suffering caused as a direct result of the actions and/or gross negligence of said company, under Title 15 of the United States Code Chapter 47, section 2072, subsection (a), relating to product liability.
Mr. Coyote states that on eighty-five separate occasions, he has purchased of the Acme Company (hereinafter, "Defendant"), through that company's mail order department, certain products which did cause him bodily injury due to defects in manufacture or improper cautionary labelling. Sales slips made out to Mr. Coyote as proof of purchase are at present in the possession of the Court, marked Exhibit A. Such injuries sustained by Mr. Coyote have temporarily restricted his ability to make a living in the profession of predator. Mr. Coyote is self-employed and thus not eligible for Workmen's Compensation.
Mr. Coyote states that on December 13th, he received of Defendant via parcel post one Acme Rocket Sled. The intention of Mr. Coyote was to use the Rocket sled to aid him in pursuit of his prey. Upon receipt of the Rocket Sled, Mr. Coyote removed it from its wooden shipping crate and sighting his prey in the distance, activated the ignition. As Mr. Coyote gripped the handlebars, the Rocket Sled accelerated with such sudden and precipitate force as to stretch Mr. Coyote's forelimbs to a length of fifteen feet. Subsequently, the rest of Mr. Coyote's body shot forward with a violent jolt, causing severe strain to his back and neck and placing him unexpectedly astride the Rocket Sled. Disappearing over the horizon at such speed as to leave a diminishing jet trail along its path, the Rocket Sled soon brought Mr. Coyote abreast of his prey. At that moment, the animal he was pursuing veered sharply to the right. Mr. Coyote vigorously attempted to follow this maneuver but was unable to, due to poor design and engineering on the Rocket Sled and a faulty or nonexistent steering system. Shortly thereafter, the unchecked progress of the Rocket Sled led it and Mr. Coyote into collision with the side of a mesa.
Paragraph One of the Report of Attending Physician (Exhibit B), prepared by Dr. Ernst Grosscup, M.D., D.O., details the multiple fractures, contusions, and tissue damage suffered by Mr. Coyote as a result of this collision. Repair of the injuries required a full bandage around the head (excluding the ears), a neck brace, and full or partial casts on all four legs. Hampered by these injuries, Mr. Coyote was nevertheless obliged to support himself. With this in mind, he purchased of Defendant as an aid to mobility one pair of Acme Rocket Skates. When he attempted to use this product, however, he became involved in an accident remarkably similar to that which occurred with the Rocket Sled. Again, Defendant sold over the counter, without caveat, a product which attached powerful jet engines (in this case, two) to inadequate vehicles, with little or no provision for passenger safety.
Encumbered by his heavy casts, Mr. Coyote lost control of the Rocket Skates soon after strapping them on, and collided with a roadside billboard so violently as to leave a hole in the shape of his full silhouette.
Mr. Coyote states that on occasions too numerous to list in this document he has suffered mishaps with explosives purchased of Defendant: the Acme "Little Giant" Firecracker, the Acme Self-Guided Aerial Bomb, etc. (For a full listing, see the Acme Mail Order Explosives Catalog and attached deposition, entered in evidence as Exhibit C.) Indeed, it is safe to say that not once has an explosive purchased of Defendant by Mr. Coyote performed in an expected manner. To cite just one example: At the expense of much time and personal effort, Mr. Coyote constructed around the outer rim of a butte a wooden trough beginning at the top of the butte and spiralling downward around it to some few feet above a black X painted on the desert floor. The trough was designed in such a way that a spherical explosive of the type sold by Defendant would roll easily and swiftly down to the point of detonation indicated by the X. Mr. Coyote placed a generous pile of birdseed directly on the X, and then, carrying the spherical Acme Bomb (Catalog #78) climbed to the top of the butte. Mr. Coyote's prey, seeing the birdseed, approached, and Mr. Coyote proceeded to light the fuse. In an instant, the fuse burned down to the stem, causing the bomb to detonate.
In addition to reducing all Mr. Coyote's careful preparations to naught, the premature detonation of Defendant's product resulted in the following disfigurements to Mr. Coyote:
Severe singeing of the hair on the head, neck, and muzzle.
Sooty discoloration.
Fracture of the left ear at the stem, causing the ear to dangle in the aftershock with a creaking noise.
Full or partial combustion of whiskers, producing kinking, frazzling, and ashy disintegration.
Radical widening of the eyes, due to brow and lid charring.
We come now to the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes. The remains of a pair of these purchased by Mr. Coyote on June 23rd are Plaintiff's Exhibit D. Selected fragments have been shipped to the metallurgical laboratories of the University of California at Santa Barbara for analysis, but to date, no explanation has been found for this product's sudden and extreme malfunction.
As advertised by Defendant, this product is simplicity itself: two wood-and- metal sandals, each attached to milled-steel springs of high tensile strength and compressed in a tightly coiled position by a cocking device with a lanyard release. Mr. Coyote believed that this product would enable him to pounce upon his prey in the initial moments of the chase, when swift reflexes are at a premium.
To increase the shoes' thrusting power still further, Mr. Coyote affixed them by their bottoms to the side of a large boulder. Adjacent to the boulder was a path which Mr. Coyote's prey was known to frequent. Mr. Coyote put his hind feet in the wood-and-metal sandals and crouched in readiness, his right forepaw holding firmly to the lanyard release. Within a short time, Mr. Coyote's prey did indeed appear on the path coming toward him. Unsuspecting, the prey stopped near Mr. Coyote, well within range of the springs at full extension. Mr. Coyote gauged the distance with care and proceeded to pull the lanyard release. At this point, Defendant's product should have thrust Mr. Coyote forward and away from the boulder. Instead, for reasons yet unknown, the Acme Spring-Powered Shoes thrust the boulder away from Mr. Coyote. As the intended prey looked on unharmed, Mr. Coyote hung suspended in the air. Then the twin springs recoiled, bringing Mr. Coyote to a violent feet-first collision with the boulder, the full weight of his head and forequarters falling upon his lower extremities.
The force of this impact then caused the springs to rebound, whereupon Mr. Coyote was thrust skyward. A second recoil and collision followed. The boulder, meanwhile, which was roughly ovoid in shape, had begun to bounce down a hillside, the coiling and recoiling of the springs adding to its velocity. At each bounce, Mr. Coyote came into contact with the boulder, or the boulder came into contact with Mr. Coyote, or both came into contact with the ground. As the grade was a long one, this process continued for some time. The sequence of collisions resulted in systemic physical damage to Mr. Coyote, viz, flattening of the cranium, sideways displacement of the tongue, reduction of length of legs and upper body, and compression of vertebrae from base of tail to head. Repetition of blows along a vertical axis produced a series of regular horizontal folds in Mr. Coyote's body tissues, a rare and painful condition which caused Mr. Coyote to expand upward and contract downward alternately as he walked, and to emit an offkey, accordion-like wheezing with every step. The distracting and embarrassing nature of this symptom has been a major impediment to Mr. Coyote's pursuit of a normal social life.
As the court is no doubt aware, Defendant has a virtual monopoly of manufacture and sale of goods required by Mr. Coyote's work. It is our contention that Defendant has used its market advantage to the detriment of the consumer of such specialized products as itching powder, giant kites, Burmese tiger traps, anvils, and two-hundred-foot-long rubber bands. Much as he has come to mistrust Defendant's products, Mr. Coyote has no other domestic source of supply to which to turn. One can only wonder what our trading partners in Western Europe and Japan would make of such a situation, where a giant company is allowed to victimize the consumer in the most reckless and wrongful manner over and over again.
Mr. Coyote respectfully requests that the Court regard these larger economic implications and assess punitive damages in the amount of seventeen million dollars. In addition, Mr. Coyote seeks actual damages (missed meals, medical expenses, days lost from professional occupation) of one million dollars; general damages (mental suffering, injury to reputation) of twenty million dollars; and attorney's fees of seven hundred and fifty thousand dollars. By awarding Mr. Coyote the full amount, this Court will censure Defendant, its directors, officers, shareholders, successors, and assigns, in the only language they understand, and reaffirm the right of the individual predator to equal protection under the law.
Lawyers are the only profession where the more there are, the more are needed! - Robert Lucky, IEEE Spectrum
Lawyers in Japan
Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze -
Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail.
What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically debilitating - and permanent.
Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York!
The decline has begun.
Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed.
But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan.
If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our costliest surplus commodity?
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put "here lies an honest lawyer."
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and exclaim, "That's strange!"
It has been discovered that lawyers are the larval stage of politicians.
There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. - Jean Giradoux
A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two.
There are two kinds of lawyers, those who know the law and those who know the judge.
I'll never discuss my lawyer's character in his absence, so let's discuss his absence of character! - Michael Lara
There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary as 'unearned income.' - Michael Lara
Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree.
At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"
"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"
"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings"
Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments? There are more of the lawyers to work with, lab assistants are less likely to feel sympathy for them, they multiply faster, animal rights groups will not object to their torture, and there are some things even a rat won't do.
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great outdoors. Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. The lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in *that* one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would _you_ believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the male?"
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the Lawyer through it...
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 (attorneys don't carry cash; it's too plebeian).
Several days later, the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion!"
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
Two minutes later, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered...
The Lawyer's Motto:
"Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures."
In Other Words: "If it ain't broke, don't fix it."
A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large pile of animal bones.
Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from *animal* bones.
The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. "Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, smarter than his own.
The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. "Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply "Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the bones, buries the other half, and takes the rest of the afternoon off.
Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were supposed to meet...
1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?"
2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.."
1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?"
2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..."
Washington State Attorney Season And Bag Limits
1300.01 General
Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys.
Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited.
Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash.
It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships.
It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals.
If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
Bag Limits
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
6. Cut-throat 2
7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
10. Hairy Civil Libertarian 7
Legal business card: Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe - Attorneys at Law
When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it would be a good idea to just leave them there.
There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he was also an attorney, the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be attorneys too!"
The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his three wishes, but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were granted double of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and decided that something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes.
"My first wish is for 1 million dollars."
The Genie reminded the man that he would grant the wish, but all attorneys would get double that amount. The man agreed and then made his second wish. "My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with blue eyes."
Once again, the Genie granted the wish and also granted all attorneys with two of the blonde eyed babes.
The Genie announced that the man had one more wish and to consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a moment. Suddenly, he drew the Genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pick up that piece of driftwood and beat me _half_ to death!!!"
Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, "What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you."
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall." "Well," she began, "he said "Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun."
A blind rabbit and a blind snake meet each other. Neither one remembers what kind of animal they are, so they decide to feel each other. The rabbit says, "You feel me first."
The snake says okay, and he starts feeling the rabbit. He says, "Well, you have fur all over, and a little cotton tail, and two long ears, and big back feet..."
The rabbit says, "I know! I'm a rabbit! Yippee!"
Then the rabbit feels the snake. He says, "Okay, you're long and thin, and slimy all over, and there's a little forked tongue..."
The snake says, "Oh no, I'm a lawyer."
Man goes goes to lawyer for help.
Man: What is your least expensive fee?
Lawyer: $50 for three questions.
Man: That's pretty expensive isn't it?
Lawyer: Yes. So what's your third question?
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."
The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."
The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."
The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and their tail are interchangeable."
The scene is heaven, with three men standing at the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter says to the first man, "Let's see, you're Mr. Jones, the engineer. We've been expecting you. Please follow me." Saint Peter leads him down a hall to a door marked #101.
"This is where you'll be staying Mr. Jones," says Saint Peter as he opens the door. Inside is a dark, dank, cold, musty room. Water is dripping from the rocklike walls where torture equipment is hanging. Chained to the center of the floor is a growling, fierce-looking dog.
Mr. Jones steps in and a loud voice cries out from above, "Mr.Jones! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the remaining two men waiting at the entrance gate.
"And you are Mr. Smith, the doctor", Saint Peters addresses the second man. "You are in room 102. Please follow me." Once again when the door is opened this room is dark and dank, water dripping down the walls with horrible torture equipment hanging everywhere, and a growling, snarling dog chained to the center of the floor.
As Mr. Smith steps in, a voice from above cries, "Mr. Smith! You have sinned!"
Saint Peter closes the door and returns to the last man waiting at the entrance gate.
"And you must be Mr. Brown, the lawyer. We have been waiting for you. You are in room number 103. Please follow me." When they get to room #103, Saint Peter opens the door to reveal another dark, musty, gloomy room with torture equipment hanging from the water dripping walls.
But in the center of the room stands Bo Derek. As the lawyer steps in the room the voice cries out, "Bo Derek! You have sinned!"
Malborn sat in his attorney's office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary."
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal check for the entire $25,000.
A great line by Danny de Vito in Other People's Money:
Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they mess everything up.
"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.
Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case."
A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My Beamer. My poor Beamer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out "Sir, your arm has been torn off". The lawyer looks at where his left arm used to be and screams "My Rolex!!!"
Harry Bender: Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, if lawyers had written 'The Ten Commandments'
Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods?
Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.
In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess blame for the accident on either however.
They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes.
It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers the doctor a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it back to the lawyer, who puts it away.
"Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says.
"After the police get here." replies the lawyer.
The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times.
As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years.
A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO.
I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO statutes.
From the "Around New York" column of the New York Times, April 3, 1991:
Court Says Legal Aid Lawyers Had Right To Wear Buttons
A state appeals court ruled yesterday that Legal Aid Society lawyers had a constitutional right to wear "Ready to Strike" buttons in October, when they argued their cases in court.
The lawyers were wearing the buttons to signify their support of a threatened strike. But Justice George Roberts of State Supreme Court ordered them to remove their buttons in his Manhattan courtroom on the ground they could prejudice the court and upset their clients.
The Apellate division of the State Supreme Court said "the mere act of wearing a button" was protected by the Constitution's guarantee of free speech.
Justice Richard W. Wallach pointed out in a concurring opinion that Justice Roberts had said he would have allowed non-political buttons such as those that said "Save the Whales". But Justice Wallach issued a caution to all lawyers:
"If the choice had to be made between saving the lives of lawyers or saving whales, there is little doubt that the overwhelming majority of Americans would come down on the side of the whales"
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely enjoyable to the truck driver.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."
With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck driver continued down the road.
Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD".
Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, Father. I almost hit that lawyer."
"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind, "Do I tell my partner?"
About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance papers when he came to the question: "If your father is dead, state the cause." Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: "He died while taking part in a public ceremony when the platform gave way."
After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had arrived to see him.
"Show him right in!" our lawyer replied.
As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks up the phone and shouts into it "And you tell them that we won't accept less then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that amount!"
Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. Jones, what can I do for you?"
"I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your phone."
Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along learning more and more about less and less until they know practically everything about nothing.
Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically nothing about everything.
Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with experts and lawyers.
A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate.
"Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you may enter heaven."
"Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what kind of other people are here?"
"Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, some," said St. Peter.
"Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man.
"Yes, there are," replied St. Peter.
"Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man.
"Just a few," said St. Peter.
"Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man.
St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?"
A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison.
Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off."
"I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit him!"
Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:
George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years."
Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days."
George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days???"
Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer."
A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyers
The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue."
On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down here. And besides, how can I fix it when you have all the good engineers?"
Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped inside the damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency crews to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones! Do you think you're alright? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn it, Jim! How should I know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!"
A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.
The Attorney asked "May I help you?".
The Farmer said "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The Attorney said "Do you have any grounds?"
The Farmer said "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The Attorney said "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The Farmer said "No, I got a John Deere."
The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The Attorney said "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church ever' Sunday."
The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together."
The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?"
The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger and that's why I want this Dayvorce!"
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Augustine's Laws
Bulls do not win bull fights; people do.
People do not win people fights; lawyers do.
The exact date that professional attorneys came into existence is unknown, although the first complaints about them were recorded in the twelfth century.
Two thirds of the world's lawyers are located right here in the United States. This has led, in some quarters, to occasional suggestions for a new export product.
Why are there more flies in Cairo than lawyers in Washington?
Answer: Cairo got first choice.
Almost 37 percent of the U. S. House of Representatives and 53 percent of the U. S. Senate are comprised of lawyers. It's like buying chicken wire from the fox - a Full Employment Act for lawyers.
Forbes magazine recently reported an incident whereby a man attempted to kill himself by jumping in front of a subway car in New York; however, having failed, he won a $650,000 judgement from New York City because the train hit him.
The Denver Post may have been on to more than it realized when it reported, "... the former Deputy Attorney General said the bar has never been so successful in serving the poor.
Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in March by the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986 from her daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund.
Talk is cheap...until lawyers get involved.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? - Calvin Trillin
4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic car accident ended their lives.
When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have to wait.
It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They were married in a simple ceremony.
So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, that eternity was best not spent together.
They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we can get divorced?"
"Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!"
On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just laid off 3 judges.
A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of having a wife or a mistress.
The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems.
The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security lowers your stress and is good for your health.
The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do some mathematics.
"My daddy is a movie actor, and sometimes he plays the good guy, and sometimes he plays the lawyer." - Malcolm Ford, to his preschool classmates on what his father, actor Harrison Ford, does for a living.
Tax Laws Caught In A Time Warp
"The provisions of the preceding sentence shall not be applicable with respect to the taxable year beginning January 1, 1975, or any succeeding taxable year which begins before January 1, 1980; and, for purposes of such sentence, January 1, 1980, shall be deemed to be the first January 1 occurring after January 1, 1974, and consecutive taxable years in the period commencing January 1, 1980, shall be determined as if the taxable year which begins on January 1, 1980, were the taxable year immediately succeeding the taxable year which began on January 1, 1974." - Internal Revenue Code 3302(c)(2)(C)
Sesquipedality Award For Most Splendiferous Display Of Highfalutin' Vocabulary
"The evidentiary record consisting of a four (4) day trial is gargantuan, elephantine, and Brobdingnagian... It would be hebetudinous and obtuse to fail to be cognizant of the adverse consequences of a ruling in this case. However, a decision by the court should not be infected with pusillanimity and timidity. The karma of this case must not be aleatory or adventitious, but a pellucid and transpicuous analysis of the law and facts... With certitude and intrepidity and hopefully, with some degree of sagacity, sapience, and perspicaciousness, this court disposes of the relevant and germane issues. Autochthonously, this court bifurcates the issues for decisional purposes. The primigenial issue is whether a new trial should be granted. The court comes to this infrangible, ineluctable, and adamantine conclusion that defendant's motion for a new trial absolutely must be denied. The French phrase 'pas du tout' is applied in rejecting the defendant's argument... I find defendant's degree of culpability to be magnitudinous and megatherine." - Circuit Judge Ralph Anderson, of South Carolina.
From "The Exploits of the Incomparable Mullah Nasrudin" by Indries Shah, The Octagon Press Ltd., London, 1983 as quoted in "Qualitative Evaluation and Research Methods" by Michael Quinn Patton, Sage Publications, 1990. Reprinted without permission.
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. "Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up. Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the amazed bystanders. "Never ask a tax man to give you anything, you fools."
When I worked for the Infernal Revenue (Dis)Service (about 15 years ago), a bunch of us pooled our paychecks (after withholding) and bought a money order for $1.49. Then we wrote up an *obviously* phony AMENDED return in the name of "Hu Flung Dung, #2 Cresent Moon Drive, Pottyville, NY" and submitted it with a letter saying that the "taxpayer" had found an error in his calculations and was making amends. As if that weren't funny enough, when the IRS receives an amended return *with money*, they are required, by their own rules, to continue searching *until they find the original*. Forever. Across the entire country. (They're probably still looking.)
This was printed in the San Francisco Examiner, April 16, 1989. The poet is anonymous because, to quote the IRS spokesman, "anything that's sent to the IRS is classified as confidential".
I think that I shall never see
a tax form plain e-nough for me.
A form that I can understand
without a lawyer near at hand
to guide this poor benighted me
so I won't owe a pen-al-ty.
A form that I will not detest
or take as more than awful jest.
A form with pages I can read
and fill out ea-si-ly with speed.
Such forms weren't made for fools like me
Nor even God, who made a tree.
An in-house IRS study revealed in February that the agency loses two million tax returns and related documents annually. One employee said that when preparing for audits, he routinely requests taxpayers' files from the state agencies because they are more likely to have the documents.
A recent addition to the IRS employee manual makes clear that the agency would continue to operate and to collect taxes immediately after any national emergency - "especially resulting from nuclear attack."
From the Miami Herald:
Depending on your profession, it appears that breasts can qualify as business assets - and depreciable ones at that.
Indiana exotic dancer Cynthia S. Hess, aka "Chesty Love", claimed a $2,088 deduction in 1988 for depreciation on the surgical implants that enlarged her bust to size 56FF.
Special Trial Judge Joan Seitz Pate of U.S. Tax Court has allowed the deduction, ruling that the implants did indeed increase Hess' income and that the breasts are so large and cumbersome, about 10 pounds each, that they make her appear "freakish" and she couldn't derive personal benefit from them.
From the television show "Frasier," a dialogue between Frasier and Niles, brothers and fellow psychiatrists:
Frasier: I hate lawyers.
Niles: I do too, but they make wonderful patients. They have excellent health insurance and they never get better.
My accountant recently sent me a thick wad of photocopied pages about the IRS's position on home offices, in which I (really, truly) found the following startling bit.
From _Federal Tax Coordinator_ 2d, 2/18/93-73, pp. 34,052B - 34,053,
Section L-1311, "Residence Used for Business" [footnotes omitted]:
Even though a taxpayer may have to do part of her work at home, if another location was her principal place of business, a deduction will be denied. Thus, where taxpayer who ran a hot dog stand had to prepare meats, stews, and soups at home because the stand wasn't big enough, the Tax Court denied a deduction because sales, which produced her income, and final packaging for consumption, took place at the hot dog stand.
A pharmacist whose rented premises couldn't be expanded to include an office couldn't get a deduction for his home office.
A nurse-anesthetist who rendered service to patients only at hospitals couldn't get a deduction, even though he had to do his record keeping, billing, and professional reading at home.
An emergency room doctor who treated patient at a hospital 35 hours a week was denied deductions for a home office where he performed related tasks 5 hours a week.
[In the next 8 paragraphs, home office deductions are denied to a housing court judge, a professional actor, a contractor, someone with muffler repair and airplane leasing businesses, an office worker whose employer supplied her with home office equipment, airline pilots, an engineer, and a licensed real estate person. We finally come to our lone success...]
A drug dealer was entitled to a home office deduction with respect to a portion of his apartment where it was his only place of business and he made substantial use of it in his dealings in amphetamines, cocaine, and marijuana.
Perhaps I'm in the wrong business? - Lauren Ruth Wiener, writer
Courthouse officials in Durham,N.C., suspect that in February 1994, a disgruntled lawyer or lawyers stole a big stack of brochures that explained how battered women could obtain court orders against their husbands without resorting to a lawyer.
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client, reading: "Justice has triumphed!" The client wired back: "Appeal at once!"
A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. "What a ripoff," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting Satan snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"
A lawyer was asked if he like to become a Jehovah's Witness. He declined, as he hadn't seen the accident, but would still be interested in taking the case.
The lawyer wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The lawyer replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
Lawyer Riddles
What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50?
Your honor.
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What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
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In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you shoot?
Use all three bullets on the lawyer.
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What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start!
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How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
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What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.
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What's the difference between a dead lawyer and a squished skunk in the road?
The vultures will eat the skunk.
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What do you do if you run over a lawyer?
Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel.
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How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.
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Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
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What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
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When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!
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How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
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Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.
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How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
Shoot him before he hits the water.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of poop?
The bucket.
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What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
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What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
There was an empty seat.
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How do you kill 2000 lawyers?
You build a new Titanic and declare it cannot sink.
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What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin?
Politicians and lawyers. Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species?
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If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
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How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.
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Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.
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What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
An offer you can't understand.
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What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A lobotomy.
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What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish.
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How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly?
When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies.
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What's the difference between baseball and law?
In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
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Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?
He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
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Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse?
He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs.
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What's the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish?
One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water.
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What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being.
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Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
From chasing parked ambulances.
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Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
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What do lawyers use as contraceptives?
Their personalities.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.
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What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon?
He was disbarred.
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What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A vampire only sucks blood at night.
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If a vampire bites a lawyer, isn't that cannabalism?
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What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer?
A doberman.
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
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What's the difference between yogurt and the American Bar Association?
Yogurt has culture.
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How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
It might be your bicycle.
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Why does California have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?
New Jersey got to pick first.
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Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers?
It's called, Sosumi.
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Did you hear that the post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People couldn't decide which side to spit on.
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Did you hear about the two Indian lawyers who formed a partnership, Cachem and Sioux?
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Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures.
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How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being non-negotiable.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
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What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?
About three pounds, including the urn.
Loony Laws
Against the law to ride an "ugly horse"? Illegal for a fireman to rescue a woman wearing a nightgown? Prohibited from walking around with an ice-cream cone in your pocket? Author Samuel Johnson once said, "The law is the last result of human wisdom acting upon human experience for the benefit of the public." A noble philosophy, perhaps, but Johnson's opinion is debatable at best.
Officials who wrote some of the L.A. area's old laws appear to have acted for no greater purpose than a good belly laugh. But there are real reasons for some of these laws. For instance, those regarding horses were largely passed to favor and protect the horse in the late 1800s and early 1900s, when horses were still the primary mode of transportation. An old ordinance won't allow acrobats to perform on any city sidewalk in L.A. because the city fathers decreed acrobatics might frighten some of the local horses.
Clothing laws, by and large, originated around the same time period. Laws dealing with women were always designed by men who were often quite prejudiced by today's standards in their thinking toward "the weaker sex."
The extremely fundamentalistic attitudes of many small-town religious leaders often prevailed - hence, we find laws governing the wearing of corsets, nightgowns, shoes, and hats. Doctors practicing in Long Beach, for example, seem to have a special social responsibility. An unusual piece of loony legislation says every woman must "be found to be wearing a corset" when attending any public dance. A physician is required to inspect each female at the dance. The doctor must ascertain that the woman is, in fact, complying with this archaic law.
Any laws having to do with Sunday were usually written and passed as the need arose with the intent of keeping the Sabbath holy. The church has enormous influence on laws pertaining to gambling, curfews for young women, women drinking alcoholic beverages, flirting, and even eating ice cream. In Bonsall, no one is allowed to read the Sunday paper while sitting in a rocking chair on their front porch while church services are in session.
There's a strange ordinance in Covina where "A husband is not guilty of desertion when his wife rents his room to a boarder and crowds him out of the house."
Drivers in Hemet should be aware that the driver of "any vehicle involved in an accident resulting in death...shall immediately stop...and give his name and address to the person struck."
A true dog lover, according to City Manager Doug Weiford, might enjoy living in Riverside. An old piece of legislation stops local citizens from "sticking out a tongue in the direction of a dog." Nor can people living in Ventura make "ugly faces" at dogs who are found to be "freely roaming" the community. Animals appear to be treated fairly in Upland but pity the poor owner: "It shall be unlawful for the owner or keeper of horses, mules, cattle, sheep, goats, and hogs to run at large." And don't bother duck hunting at night in Apple Valley. Ducks aren't allowed to be heard quacking after 10:00 p.m.
Do you have difficulty flirting? You can't, according to the municipal code in Inglewood: "It is unlawful for any male person, within the corporate limits of the city of Inglewood, to wink at any female person with whom he is unacquainted." Beverly Hills also has an anti-flirting law. City Manager Ed Kreins quotes this ordinance: "No male person shall make remarks to or concerning, or cough or whistle at, or do any other act to attract the attention of any woman upon or traveling along any of the sidewalks."
Males in Buena Park have an even more difficult time in this regard. They are specifically prohibited from "turning and looking at a woman in that way" on the Sabbath. If he's caught a second time, the violator has to "wear horse blinders" for a 24-hour period in public.
Community lawmakers do sometimes have a sense of humor. According to City Manager Ralph Webb, Baldwin Park politicos once decreed that "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any street within this community unless she is escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club." An amendment to the original ordinance reads "The provisions of this status shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds or exceeding 200 pounds nor shall it apply to female horses."
You probably don't know that Santa Monica has a "bean snapper" law. City Manager John Jalili declares: "Any person who shall in the city of Santa Monica use or carry concealed or unconcealed any bean snapper or like article, shall, upon conviction, be fined."
Drivers beware when going through Los Angeles County. An early speed law was worded: "Speed upon county roads will be limited to 10 miles an hour unless the motorist sees a baliff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, then the driver will be permitted to make what he can." And "Whoever operates an automobile on any public way - laid out under the authority of law recklessly or while under the influence of liquor shall be punished; thereby imposing upon the motorist the duty of finding out at his peril whether certain highways had been laid out recklessly or while under the influence of liquor before driving his car over them." You figure it out. In the same vein, there's a beauty from Whittier that says "Two vehicles which are passing each other in opposite directions shall have the right of way." Uh huh.
An old-fashioned piece of legislation in Hesperia outlaws dueling under certain circumstances: no one is allowed to duel when the opponents select water pistols for use as the weapons.
Monrovia has a unique old wedding law. No young man can marry the girl of his dreams until he has "proven his manhood." How? It's quite simple; all the poor fellow is required to do is go out and shoot six blackbirds or three crows which must then be brought to his prospective father-in-law.
Stay away from Compton while wearing slacks with hip pockets. The city fathers long ago passed an ordinance banning hip pockets in all men's pants it was considered to be a perfect place to hide a pint of liquor. Let's hope thirst doesn't become a major problem if you're a woman in Ojai. No female can expect to walk into a tavern and be graciously served. It's illegal for a woman to stand within five feet of a bar when she takes a drink in any public establishment serving alcoholic beverages. She's in violation of this law even if she only wants a glass of water!
A thirsty married man, according to the law in Camarillo, could have serious problems. He can't purchase any form of liquor without first having the written consent of his loving spouse. And an old law in Gardena, according to City Manager Ken Landau, prohibits a woman from chewing tobacco without first having permission from her husband.
You could be breaking the law when you're just trying to have an innocent night out. Boisterous adults and children can be penalized in Mailbu should they "laugh out loud" in a movie theater. And in Costa Mesa, citizens aren't allowed to enter a movie theater within four hours of eating garlic.
Don't even think of playing cards with a pregnant woman or a child on the curb of any street in Temecula. And according to the revised ordinances in Pomona, "No person shall hallo, shout, bawl, scream, use profane language, dance, sing, whoop, quarrel, or make any unusual noise or sound in any house in such a manner as to disturb the peace and quiet of the neighborhood."
Fashion can be dangerous. In Norwalk, "Any person who shall wear in a public place any device or thing attached to her head, hair, headgear or hat, which device or thing is capable or lacerating the flesh of any other person with whom it may come in contact and which is not sufficiently guarded against the possibility of so doing, shall be adjudged a disorderly person." Watch out, fashion victims.
If you've been out on the trail a bit too long and your horse is weary, be sure you don't let it fall asleep within the city limits of El Monte. They have an antiquated law in them parts then prohibits a horse from falling asleep in a bathtub, unless the rider is also sleeping with the horse. And if you own a horse in Pico Rivera, it's strictly forbidden - if you're a woman, attired in shorts, and you weigh over 200 pounds - to ride your horse in public. In Santa Ana, it's illegal to let a horse sleep in a bakery.
You've got to be careful even when you're hungry. If you can't find a can opener, whatever you do, don't try to shoot your canned foods open with a revolver in Victorville. And if you're a barber in Valencia, don't dare eat onions between the hours of 7:00 a.m. and 7:00 p.m.
Ice cream crops up quite a few times in the various cities' law books. In Chino, citizens are prohibited from carrying an ice-cream cone in their pocket, and in Rosemead, it's against the law to eat an ice cream in public with a fork.
Try to stay away from Arcadia if you're planning to take your date for a late cup of coffee. An old ordinance prohibits "young women" from drinking a delicious cup of brew after 6:00 p.m. Speaking of drinking, a law in Bellflower actually offers a degree of protection to drunks: "A drunken man had as good a right to a perfect sidewalk as a sober man since he needs one a good deal more."
Have to pay a visit to a dentist in the near future? In Irvine a patient is not allowed to pull a dentist's tooth. Those who partake of such frivolous activities can be jailed. But in Castaic, fairness seems to govern the thinking of former lawmakers. A dentist had better not accidentally pull the wrong tooth. Should this happen, the patient has the right to pull one of the dentist's teeth in return.
These are merely a few of the unusual situations covered by ludicrous laws throughout the Los Angeles area. Most of these decrees were written and then forgotten with the swift passage of time. Relevant or ridiculous, most are still around today. Clergyman Henry Ward Beecher said it all when he summed up his view on the art of lawmaking: "We bury men when they are dead, but we try to embalm the dead body of laws, keeping the corpse in sight long after the vitality has gone. It usually takes a hundred years to make a law; and then, after the law had done its work, it usually takes another hundred years to get rid of it."
Letter From A West Virginia Mother
Dear Louanne Ellie Mae:
I'm writing this letter slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last West Virginia family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning; but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother....
Uncle Ted fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off playfully and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.
Love, Mom
P.S. I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.
Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
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Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
A: Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that powers it.
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Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None 'o yo' business!
A: 50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
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Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
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Q: How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
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Q: How many software people does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. Thats a hardware problem.
A: One, but if he changes it, the whole building will probably fall down.
A: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
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Q: How many hardware folks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a software problem.
A: None. They just have marketing portray the dead bulb as a feature.
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Q. How many Windows programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. 472. One to write WinGetLightBulbHandle, one to write WinQueryStatusLightBulb, one to write WinGetLightSwitchHandle...
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Q. How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and figure out what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
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Q. How many MIS guys does it take to change a light bulb?
A. MIS has received your request concerning your hardware problem, and has assigned your request Service Number 39712. Please use this number for any future reference to this light bulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
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Q. How many WordPerfect support technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Ok. Now, exactly how dark is it? Ok, there could be four or five things wrong . . . have you tried the light switch?
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Q. How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Three: two holding the ladder and one to screw the bulb into a faucet.
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Q. How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Eight: one to work the bulb and seven to make sure Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
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Q. How many testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We just noticed the room was dark; we don't actually fix the problems.
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Q. How many developers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The light bulb works fine on the system in my office . . .
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Q. How many C++ programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. You're still thinking procedurally. A properly designed light bulb object would inherit a change method from a generic light bulb class, so all you'd have to do is send a light bulb change message.
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Q. How many shipping dept. personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A. We can change the bulb in 7-10 working days; if you call before 2pm and pay an extra $15 we can get the bulb changed overnight.
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Q. How long does it take a DEC repairman to change a light bulb?
A. It depends on how many burnt-out lightbulbs he brought with him.
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Q. How many Windows users does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. One, but s/he'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy for him as it would be for a Macintosh user.
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Q. How many Newtons does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Foux! There to eat lemons, axe gravy soup.
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Q. How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(tm) as the new industry standard.
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Q: How many gas fitters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to turn up the day before when you're out; One to change the switch; One to bring along the wrong sort of light bulb.
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Q: How many gay-rights activists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. "The light bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it."
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Q: What if you have *two* dead bulbs?
A: They replace your fuse box.
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Q: How many Unix hacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as you want; they're all virtual, anyway.
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Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee (binary only).
A: Nearly unanswerable, since the one who tries to change it usually drops it, and the others call for a planning session.
A: Three. One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number of one of their subordinates to actually change it.
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Q: How many graduate students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it may take upwards of five years for him to get it done.
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Q: How many `Real Men' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: `Real Men' aren't afraid of the dark.
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Q: How many `Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of real men around to do it.
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Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. ("Thats all right...I'll just sit here in the dark...")
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Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
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Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
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Q: How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
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Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, because people who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
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Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
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Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Seven. One to install the new bulb and six to figure out what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
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Q: How many pre-med students does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder out from under him.
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Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really only one.
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Q: How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, but it takes at least one to sit and pray for the old one to go back on.
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Q: How many jugglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it takes at least three light bulbs.
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Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's not funny!!!
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Q: How many 'Cliffie girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It's "Radcliffe Women" and that's not funny!
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Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
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Q: How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
A: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
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Q: How many Valley Girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Oooh, like, manual labor? Gag me with a spoon! For sure.
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Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure nobody else tries to change the light bulb at the same time.
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Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
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Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
A: Two: one to change the bulb and one not to change it.
A: One to change and one not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A: None. Zen masters carry their own light.
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Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
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Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
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Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
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Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a lot of light bulbs!
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Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
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Q: How many [IBM] Technical Writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:...... consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
A: Just one, provided there's an engineer around to explain how to do it.
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Q: How many Bratzlaver Chassidim does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They will never find one that burned as brightly as the first one.
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Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
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Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
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Q: How many does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10. One to hold the bulb and nine to rotate the ladder.
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Q: How many strong does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 115. One to hold the bulb and 114 to rotate the house.
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Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
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Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
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Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
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Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
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Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
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Q: How many Federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item has been cut from the budget!
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Q: How many psychics does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: ---- You should have hit "n"!
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Q: How many sorority sisters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 51. One to change the bulb, and fifty to sing about the bulb being changed.
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Q: How many frat guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and the other two to help him down off the keg.
A: Five: One to hold the bulb, and four to guzzle beer until the room spins.
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Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He grabs the bulb and waits for the world to revolve around him.
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Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to assure the everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
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Q: How many board meetings does it take to get a light bulb changed?
A: This topic was resumed from last week's discussion, but is incomplete pending resolution of some action items. It will be continued next week. Meanwhile...
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Q: How many brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: About one third less than for a regular bulb.
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Q: How many WASP Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. One to get a Tab and one to call Daddy.
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Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
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Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
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Q: How many junkies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Oh wow, is it like dark, man?
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Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
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Q: How many U.S marines does it take to screw in a light bulb ?
A: 50. One to screw in the light bulb and the remaining 49 to guard him .
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Q: "How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A: "151, one to screw the light-bulb in, and 150 to self-destruct the ship out of disgrace."
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Q: How many editors of Poor Richard's Almanac does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: Many hands make light work.
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Q: How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "Approximately 1.00000000000000000000001"
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Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 7. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission.
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Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to replace a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
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Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
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Q: How many Chinese Red Guards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 10,000 - to give the bulb a cultural revolution.
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Q: How many anarchists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: All of them.
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Q: Do you know how many jazz musicians it takes to change a light bulb?
A: No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it.
A: Twenty. One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and seventeen in on the guest list.
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Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
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Q: How many bikers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It takes two. One to change the bulb, and the other to kick the switch.
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Q: How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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Q: How many referral agents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw you out of a fee, and the other to send you to a store where they ran out of bulbs weeks ago.
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Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
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Q: How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: one.
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Q: How many big black monoliths does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Sorry, light bulbs are an evolutionary dead end.
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Q: How many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, if it knows its own Goedel number.
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Q: How many dadaists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: To get to the other side.
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Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It's left to the reader as an exercise.
A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A: One. He gives it to five Oregonians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke.
A: In an earlier article, zeus!bobr writes:
"Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
"A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem to an earlier joke..."
In earlier work, Wiener [1] has shown that one mathematician can change a light bulb.
If k mathematicians can change a light bulb, and if one more simply watches them do it, then k+1 mathematicians will have changed the light bulb.
Therefore, by induction, for all n in the positive integers, n mathematicians can change a light bulb.
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Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.
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Q: How many poets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to curse the darkness, one to light a candle... ... and one to change the bulb.
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Q: How many stock brokers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to take out the bulb and drop it, and the other to try and sell it before it crashes (knowing that it's already burned out).
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Q: How many aides does it take to change President Clinton's light bulb?
A: None, they like to keep him in the dark.
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Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
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Q: How many missionaries does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 101. One to change it and 100 to convince everyone else to change light bulbs too.
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Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Microsoft, Southern Style
What would life be like if Microsoft was headquarted in Redmond, Mississippi, instead of Redmond, Washington?
Their #1 product would be Micr'sawft Winders
Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a hefty bag
Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right" or " Naw"
Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
The "Recycling Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk redneck yelling "Freebird!'
Peripheral products would include a beer tap
Powerpoint would be named "ParPawnt"
Interconnectivity would be a goal at a family reunion
Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
Micr'sawft Word would be just that: one word
Instead of latte carts we'd have grit carts
New Shutdown sound: "Y'all come back now, Yah hear?!"
Instead of VP, Micr'sawft big shots would be called "Cuz"
Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old TranS Am
Micr'sawft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
Four words: Daisy Duke screen saver
Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire
Spreadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in your front yard
Flight simulator upgraded to Tractor Pull Simulator
Micr'sawft CEO: Bubba Gates
MLAs
Multi-Letter Acronyms
So you think you know what most computer acronyms really mean? Think again.
CD-ROM
Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
IBM
I Blame Microsoft, I Bought Macintosh
PCMCIA
People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN
It Still Does Nothing
APPLE
Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity
DEC
Do Expect Cuts
CA
Constant Acquisitions
OS/2
Obsolete Soon Too,
SCSI
System Can't See It
DOS
Defunct Operating System
BASIC
Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
WWW
World Wide Wait
No Arms, No Legs
What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs...
...hanging on a wall? Art
...under a car? Axel
...who used to be a boxer? Big Ears
...in a mailbox? Bill
...in a pool? Bob
...in a bank? Buck
...on your shoulder? Chip
...and his friend hanging around a window? Curt 'n Rod
...covered with oil? Derrick
...with a spade? Doug
...without a spade? Douglas
...flying over the fence? Homer
...in a GMC? Jimmy
...in the bathroom? John
...impaled on a stick? Lance
...on a porch? Mat
...laying on a piece of paper? Mark
...on a stage? Mike
...in a hole? Phil
...on a hill? Roland
...under a bush? Russell
...waterskiing? Skip
...in a hot tub? Stew
...with a pet rabbit? Warren
What do you call a gal with no arms and no legs...
...floating on a pond? Lily
...hanging on a clothes line? Peg
...between two slices of bread? Patty
What do you call a gal with one...
...leg? Eileen
...leg who is asian? Irene
Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as "mother", although she didn't mean to imply by this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional households, although she was sorry if this was the impression conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have struggled for years to earn the right to carry all packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and gotten a special compassionate mission exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to oppress each other, since all womyn were equally oppressed until all womyn were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place, but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and wandered off the path, in order to examine some flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she was confident in taking control of her own budding sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme, but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develp and alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside of society had freed him from slavish adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of his nature as predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes, and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role as wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goddess! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You must request my permission before proceeding in a new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on her.
At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her grandmother lured me in here. I though I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you have any aspirin?"
"Sure" said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, giving a little belch, and said "Do you have any Maalox?"
USELESS INVENTIONS!!
A freezer for Eskimos.
AC adapter for solar calculators.
Air-Bag Motorcycle jacket.
Anklet wristwatches for contortionists.
Avalanche prevention goggles.
Battery powered battery charger.
Battery-operated nuclear power plants.
Blinker Fluid.
Braille Drivers' Manual
Braille toilet paper.
Braille tv guide.
Braille tv remote control.
Brake oil.
Breathable space suit.
Brown undershorts.
Cabin pressurization system for the Cessna 150.
Caffeine-free Diet Coke.
Camcorder with braille-encoded buttons.
Candy bars with stannous fluoride added.
Car steering triangles -- doubles as anti-theft device.
Cast iron wire.
Cat flap for the fridge.
Checkered paint.
Combs for bald-heads.
Cordless plumb line.
Dehydrated water.
Diet celery.
Digital clock-winder.
Digital computer.
Double-sided playing cards.
Downhill stairmaster.
Ejector seats for helicopters.
Electric banana straightener.
Electric dog polisher.
Extra-large bicycle clips, for use when cycling in shorts.
Fat-free Twinkies.
Felt Jumper cables.
Fine glass-crystal castanets.
Fireproof cigarettes.
Fireproof kindling.
Fireproof matches.
Flame-retardant gasoline.
Flashbulb tester.
Flavoured suppositories.
Foam rubber toothpicks.
Freeze Dried Water.
Frictionless Sandpaper.
Fur sink.
Hand-powered chainsaw.
How-to cassettes for the deaf.
Ice skate sandals, for use in hot climates.
Inflatable anchor.
Inflatable darts-board.
Inflatable PC -- The Ultimate Laptop!
Kickstand for a tank.
Laundromat in a nudist colony.
Leather cutlery.
Lie detectors for politicians.
Low salt brine.
Low-calorie PowerBar.
Luminous sun-dial, for use at night.
Matte finish floor wax.
Mesh raincoat.
Micro-miniature personal vibrator.
Money with negative face value.
Motorcycle seat-belts.
Muffler Bearings.
Non-intrusive alarm clock (raises a flag instead of ringing a bell).
Non-stick Cellotape.
Open Toed Safety Shoes.
Papier mache step ladder.
Parachute that opens automatically, upon impact.
Particle board tent stakes.
Reduced calorie water.
Remote control for a computer.
Remote control for a Watchman.
Reversible garbage disposal.
Rollerblade skates for peglegs.
Rubber Kleenex.
Screen door on a submarine.
Second-hand fireworks.
Self stick frying pan.
Soap Dissolver.
Solar powered flashlight.
Solar powered night light.
Solar-powered pacemakers for elderly sunbathers.
Steel-belted radial rubber bands.
Strap-on portable chairs.
Sugar coated insulin.
Sundial with glow in the dark markings.
Tire chains for motorcycles.
Trailer hitch for the Honda CVCC.
Training wheels for timid sports car drivers.
Umbrella with a skylight.
Unsinkable submarine.
Waterproof sponge.
Waterproof teabags.
Waterproof toilet paper.
Redneck Jokes
If twenty or more of the following apply, you should seek professional help.
You might be a redneck if...
More than one living relative is named after a southern civil war general.
Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
Your home has more miles on it than your car.
You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
There is a stuffed opossum anywhere in your house.
You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.
Fewer than half of your cars run.
Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her butt.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue- Ellen to walk by.
Your family tree doesn't fork.
Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event.
You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the shade.
The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size bottle of ketchup.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front ones.
You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to help him remove the wheels and skirt.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
Redman sends you a Christmas card.
You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to "Georgia on My Mind".
You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.
You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
You mow your lawn and find a car.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift.
You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the South will rise again.
You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in your truck.
You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon. The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is if you can lose them or not.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three of the primary colors.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her house
The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get grandma a new plug of tobacco
Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against it.
You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a tornado,
You fish in your above-ground pool.
When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up your jeans.
Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of the wheels off his doublewide.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your home town.
You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.
Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it).
You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with Alan Jackson.
You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!
You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
You bring your dog to work with you.
Redneck Computer Dictionary
This here is the Redneck Guide to Computer Lingo.
Log on
Makin the woodstove hotter
Log off
Don't add no more wood
Monitor
Keepin an eye on that there woodstove
Download
Gettin the farwood ofn the truk
Megahertz
When yer not keerful gettin that farwood downloaded
Floppy disk
Wharcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood
RAM
That thar thang whut splits th farwood
ROM
Whut tastes grait when ya mix it with Coca-cola
Hard drive
Tryin to climb a steep hill in th winter taim
Prompt
Whut th mail ain't in th winter taim
Windows
Whut to shut when its cold outside
Screen
Whut to shut when its blak fly season
Bit
A wager, as in "I bit you cain't spit that watermelon seed across th porch longways"
Byte
Whut them dang flys do
Chip
Munchies fer th TV
Microchip
Whuts left in th munchie bag
Cursor
Wharcha do when yer mad at yer sister
Infrared
Whur th left over munchies go, Fred eats em
Modem
Wharcha did to the hay fields
Dot matrix
Ol Dan Matrix's wife
Laptop
Whur th kitty sleeps
Keyboard
Whur ya hang th dang keys
Hardware
Sunday clothes
Software
Them dang plastik forks and knifs
Mouse
Whut eats th grain in th barn
Mainframe
Holds up th barn ruf
Port
Fancy Flatlander Wine
Enter
Northern fer c'mon in y'all
Random access memory
When ya caint member whut ya paid for yer new rifle when yore wife asks.
Network
How ya git the fish in th boat after ya hook it
LAN
To borrow, as in "Hey Delbert, LAN me yore truck!"
Packet
Wharcha do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag afore a trip
Reboot
Wharcha do when yer first pair a boots gits all muddy
Signatures Seen On The Net
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Pentiums melt in your PC, not in your hand.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Did anyone see my lost carrier?
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
There's too much blood in my caffeine system.
Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.
Double your drive space - delete Windows!
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Oops. My brain just hit a bad sector.
I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
When there's a will, I want to be in it.
Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
All generalizations are false, including this one.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.
It's All About Your Mama, Not Mine!! :)
PLEASE NOTE THAT ALL OF THESE YO MAMA JOKES HAVE BEEN CONTRIBUTED BY A MALE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! also, do not take them offensively and sorry for any bad language, etc.
I went into your house, took a booger off the wall, and yo mama told me not to touch the family portrait.
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Yo mama's doctor diagnosed her with a rapid flesh eating disease. Now she's got only 36 more years to live!
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Yo mama's so fat, she's the main ingredient in Ding Dongs.
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Did you know flies were given wings so that they could beat yo mama to the dump?
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Heard yo mama fills up the bathtub ... THEN puts the water in.
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Yo Mama so FAT, when she goes to the shoe-shiner, she has to take his word that he's done.
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If Ugliness were bricks, yo mama would have her own projects.
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Know how they made the movie, "Speed"?
They dressed your mama up and drove her while they dangled a Hostess Cupcake in front of her.
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Hey, I got nothing to say about Yo Mama cuz she's a saint ... a Saint Bernard.
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What's the difference between yo mama and a water buffalo?
About 25 pounds.
How do you even it up?
Either force-feed the buffalo, or shave yo mama.
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Yo mama's so FAT:
smaller fat people orbit around her
yo daddy bathes in her belly button
her belt size is equator
she fell in the grand canyon... and got stuck.
she was mistaken for God's bowling ball.
when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
her favorite dress is a tent.
she left home with high heels, she came back with flip-flops.
she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
she needs a building permit for her girdle.
she needs a hula hoop for a belly button ring.
she puts on her belt with a boomerang.
she puts on tampons with a bazooka.
she has to put on lipstick with a paint-roller.
she needed her ears pierced with a harpoon.
she sat on a rainbow and Skittles popped out.
she sat on a quarter and got two dimes and a nickel.
she rolled over four quarters and made it a dollar.
when she sat on a dollar bill, blood came out of George Washington's nose.
the Department of Transportation makes her wear a "Caution, Wide Turn" sign.
when she steps on a scale, it reads "One at a time, please".
when she steps on a scale, it says "To be continued..."
when she steps on a scale, it says "I don't do livestock".
the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
she eats Wheat THICKS.
when she bends over we lose an hour of daylight.
she has her own zip code.
the phone company gave her two area codes.
she walked past the TV and I missed 3 commercials.
people jog around her for exercise.
when she puts on her clothes, they beg for mercy.
when she wears a yellow raincoat, folks run after her yelling "TAXI!"
when she wears a red dress, kids run after her cuz they think it's the Kool Aid Man.
when she wears a Malcom X shirt, helicopters try to land on her.
she shows up on radar.
when she auditioned for Indiana Jones, she got the part of the big rolling ball.
she couldn't star in Forrest Gump because she kept eating the box of chocolates.
they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping ... and they still hit the ground.
she looks at a menu and goes, "Okay!"
when she goes to a restaurant, she even orders the "Thank You, Come Again."
when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
when she brought her dress to the cleaners, they said "Sorry, we don't do curtains."
when the police showed her a picture of her feet, she couldn't identify them.
when she goes to the beach, the kids yell, "Free Willy!"
Willy freed her.
she makes Free Willy look like a Tic Tac.
the difference between her and Moby Dick is about three pounds.
when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun.
when she sits at the beach, Greenpeace tries to tow her back into the ocean.
when she sits in front of the "Hollywood" sign, you can only see the "H" and the "D".
she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big!
she was Miss Arizona -- class battleship.
she doesn't wear Dazzey Dukes; she wears Boss Hoggs.
she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book.
her senior picture had to be an aerial view.
she has to fly cargo class.
when she puts on a pair of BVD's, it stretches to "BouleVarD".
she has to wear a sock on each toe.
she's got shock absorbers on her toilet seat.
the AIDS quilt can't cover her.
the National Weather Agency assigns names to her farts.
she qualifies for group insurance.
when she steps on gum, she can tell you what flavor it is.
the shadow of her ass weighs 50 lbs.
she needs to put a bookmark in her folds to find her belly button.
her navel gets home 15 minutes before she does.
when I swerved to avoid her on the road, I ran out of gas.
you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
even God can't lift her spirits.
God said "Let there be Light", and moved her fat ass.
her nickname is "DAAAMN!".
she sells shade in the summer.
cows graze by her for the shade.
when she went to the zoo, the elephants threw peanuts at her.
she got on an airplane and only the wings took off.
when she told the airport she needed to fly right away, they stamped "GoodYear" on her ass and put her on the runway!
the airport categorizes her ass as carry-on luggage.
when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
she lost at Hide and Seek when I spotted her behind the Himalayas.
she could be the eighth continent.
she farted and put herself into orbit.
I have to roll her over twice to get her on her back.
I gotta ride a bus and two trains to get on her good side.
when your family wants to watch home movies, they dress her in white and seat her in front.
when she eats at McDonald's, they have to go outside and double the number on the sign that says amount of people served.
her ass has got more meat than a freezer at Price-Costco.
her ass looks like two pigs fighting over a Milk Dud.
I got rich by making her sit on coal.
her cereal bowl comes with its own lifeguard.
she masturbates while looking at pictures in a cookbook.
the only thing attracted to her is gravity.
small objects tend to orbit her.
she's got tan lines from the refridgerator light.
her belly button's got an echo.
I'm jealous of yo daddy. He's got TWICE the woman anyone else has!
I've known her all my life ... and I still haven't seen ALL of her!
Yo mama's so STUPID:
I caught her looking over a glass wall to see what was on the other side.
it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
it took her half an hour to make minute rice.
she thought a hot meal was stolen food.
she looks for the Sunday paper on Tuesdays.
she put your puppy in the oven to make a hot dog.
she bought a solar-powered flashlight.
she invented glow-in-the-dark sunglasses/water-proof teabag/condom with sweatholes/wheelchair with pedals.
she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's.
if you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get back change.
she took the Pepsi Challenge and chose Jif.
she thought Taco Bell was a phone company in Mexico.
she spent twenty minutes staring at the orange juice carton because it said "Concentrate".
I told her it was chilly outside, so she went and got a bowl.
I told her the drinks were on the house, she went and got a ladder.
she thought Beirut was a famous home run hitter.
she calls pagers collect.
tried to strangle herself with a cordless phone.
she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
she went to drug rehab because she thought she was Hooked on Phonics.
they had to burn her school down just to get her out of 2nd grade.
that on her job application, under Education, she put, "Hooked on Phonics".
she asked me what kind of jeans I had on, I said "Guess", and she said "uh, Levi's?".
she stands up on an empty bus.
when you were born, she looked at the umbilical cord and said, "Hey, it comes with cable."
she thought hamburger helper came with another person.
she sold her car for gas money.
that she hops the turnstyle when she gets OFF the train.
she checked the Lost and Found when she missed her period.
she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
when I asked her to buy me a color TV, she asked me what color.
when she saw the "NC-17 (Under 17 Not Admitted)" sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
she saw a "Wet Floor" sign, so she took a piss.
she got fired from a blow-job.
she went to a 24-hr store and asked what time they closed.
she broke into a furniture store and slept on the floor.
I saw her in the frozen food section with a fishing rod.
she thought Cheerios were donut seeds.
she thought Meow Mix was a dance album for cats.
I asked her to go to Subway's for two heroes and she came back with Batman and Robin.
I taught her how to do the "Running Man", and I haven't seen her since.
she only has one toe on each foot, but she bought a pair of flip flops.
someone told her to take out the trash, so she moved out of the house.
she writes "Thank You" notes for her bills.
she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house!
she married your daddy.
she cooks with Old Spice.
I know she's been using my computer when I see the White-Out on my screen.
Yo mama's so UGLY:
your daddy takes her to work so he doesn't need to kiss her goodbye.
she looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.
when she tried joining an ugly contest, they said, "Sorry, no professionals!"
Rice Krispies won't talk to her.
she makes blind kids cry.
she makes onions cry.
Someone can have sex with her in any position and its still doggy style.
when she threw a boomerang, it wouldn't come back.
the last time she heard a whistle was when she got hit by a train.
the psychiatrist makes her lie face-down.
when she looks in the mirror, her pimples popped back in.
when she gets up, the sun goes down.
the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
on Halloween, people go as her.
she has to "Trick or Treat" over the phone.
instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.
when she walked into a haunted house, she came out with a paycheck.
when she was born, the doctor slapped her mother.
when she was born, her mom said, "What a treasure!"; and your dad replied, "Yeah, let's go bury it."
when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.
they push her face into the dough to make gorilla cookies.
when I took her to the zoo, a guy at the door said, "Thanks for bringing her back."
they put her in the zoo to keep the monkeys from jerking off.
they filmed "Gorillas in the Mist" in her shower.
the prince would rather live as a frog than kiss her.
she's got little circles all over her body from people touching her with 10-foot poles.
her mom had to be drunk to breastfeed her.
her mom had to tie a steak around her neck so the dogs would play with her.
her mom had to feed her with a slingshot.
her picture is on the inside of a Roach Motel.
her American Express card left home without her.
they put her face on box of Ex-Lax and sold it empty.
when she passes by your bathroom, the toilet flushes.
when she was born, they put her in an incubator with tinted windows.
her parents first named her "Accident".
they knew what time she was born, because her face stopped the clock!
she must've been born on the freeway -- that's where most accidents happen.
when I see her, she reminds me of Taco Bell -- Run for the Border!
she took your dog to the Canine Show and won ... your dog came in second.
I saved her life by killing a shit-eating dog on the way over.
condom advocates wanted to use her as a poster child.
she makes me wish birth control is retroactive.
Yo mama's so POOR:
she can't pay attention.
when I seen her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said, "Moving."
when I ring the doorbell, she has to say, "DING!"
burglars break into house so they can leave money.
she can only afford the "Wel" on the "Welcome" mat.
she waves around a popscicle stick and calls it air-conditioning.
she's trying to get married so she can get the rice at the wedding.
I asked her what was for dinner and she popped ME in the oven.
your TV's got two channels: on and off.
she eats cereal with a fork so she can save milk.
when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers.
they put her face on a foodstamp.
she used a tumbleweed for a Christmas tree.
she hangs the toilet paper to dry.
I saw her trying to put a food stamp into a gumball machine.
I saw her wrestle a squirrel for a peanut.
you can't kill the roaches in your house, cause they pay half the rent.
Yo mama's so OLD:
she remembers the Grand Canyon when it was a ditch.
you gotta call the fire department when you light her birthday candles.
she's the only one who can get a senior citizens' discount at the old folks home.
her zip code is 00001.
her birth certificate was in Roman numerals.
her social security number is zero-zero-one.
I told her to act her own age and the bitch died.
she's older than anything in the local antique store.
the key on Ben Franklin's kite was to her apartment.
when she ran track in high school, they timed her with a sundial.
she got hired to baby-sit Cain and Abel.
she was a waitress at the Last Supper.
she's got Jesus' pager number.
when Moses parted the Red Sea, she was on the other side fishin'.
when she reads the bible she reminisces.
she co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments.
she has a picture of Moses in her yearbook.
she left her purse on Noah's Ark.
her birth certificate says, "Expired!" on it.
when you ask for her ID, she hands you a rock.
she farts out dust.
she squirts powdered milk out her nipples.
the milk in her breasts is stale.
I slapped her on the back and her tits fell off.
when she gave birth, YOU came out with dentures.
she knew the Garden of Eden when it was a plant.
I found cave drawings of her.
she used a brontasaurus to get her drivers' license.
Jurassic Park brought back memories.
When God said "Let there be light" he asked her to flick to switch.
Yo mama's (ETC):
butt so big, she's taller when she sits down.
chest so flat, she's every pirates dream ... a sunken chest.
so hairy, Bigfoot takes pictures of her!
so hairy, when you came out, you got rugburn.
so hairy, she shaves with a weedwacker.
so hairy, when she asked for a trim at the beauty salon, the stylist opened up her shirt.
so hairy, she's got afros on her nipples.
so hairy, she's got a gotee growin' around her belly button.
nose so big, she picks it with a boxing glove.
nose so big, you can go bowling with her boogers.
nosehairs so long, she can have them braided.
armpits so hairy, she looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock.
armpits so stink, the teacher gave her an A' so she wouldn't need to raise her hand.
so bald, you can see what's on her mind.
so bald, she looks like an overgrown testicle.
feet so big, they need license plates.
house so small, you ordered a large pizza and had to eat it outside.
house so small, I threw a rock through your window and it hit everybody.
house so small, the front and back doors are on the same hinge.
house so dirty, I have to wipe my feet before I go outside.
house must be made of toilet paper -- cause your whole family's full of shit.
so nasty, she had to cut the strings from her tampons to stop her crabs from bungee jumping.
so stink, she has to creep up on bathwater.
so stink, she sweats Black Flag.
ears so big, she can't hold cigarettes behind them.
ears so big, she gets satellite reception.
teeth so bad, her dentures' got cavities.
teeth so yellow, I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
teeth so yellow, traffic slows down when she smiles.
teeth so yellow, she'd put the sun out of business.
teeth so yellow, you never needed a crayon to color the sun.
teeth so yellow, when she smiles, people start singing, "I got sunshine, on a cloudy day...".
breath so bad, when she yawns, her teeth yell, "DUCK!"
breath so bad, when she stuck out her tougue, it was on a stretcher.
breath so bad, her gums went on strike.
breath so bad, she needs a Tic Tac with batteries in it.
breath so bad, people look forward to her farts.
lips so big, Chapstick had to invent a spray.
so skinny, her nipples touch.
so skinny, if she had a big toe, she'd look like a golf club.
so skinny, she can peep through the keyhole with both eyes.
twice the man you are.
strong ... then again, smell ain't everything.
arms so short, she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
missing a finger and can't count past nine.
got a head so small, she uses a teabag for a pillow.
got one leg shorter than the other and they call her Hip-Hop.
in a wheelchair, screaming, "I AIN'T STANDING FOR THIS!"
only got one leg and telling everyone to get off on the right foot.
got one leg and a bicycle.
got one hand and a Clapper.
got no fingers and a banjo.
got no ears, but she still says, "I hear ya!".
got green hair and thinks she's a tree.
got a bald head with a part and sideburns.
has no neck and they call her Head and Shoulders.
has only two fingers and she's asking people to "gimme five".
has an afro with a chinstrap.
has three teeth; one in her mouth and two in her pocket.
has one ear and has to take off her hat to hear what you're saying.
has one short leg and walks in circles.
has one short arm and can't applaud.
has everything a man can want: muscles, a big chest, and a beard.
like a potato chip -- Fri-to Lay.
like a screen door -- the more I bang her, the looser she gets.
like the Pillsbury Dough Boy -- everyone gets a poke.
like peanut butter -- smooth, creamy, and easy to spread.
makes a great golf course, everyone gets a hole in one.
like shotgun: one cock and she blows.
like a rifle: four cocks and she's loaded.
like a hardware store: four cents a screw.
like Domino's Pizza -- "Something for Nothing".
like a refridgerator, everyone puts their meat in her.
like a bus -- guys climb on and off her all day long.
like a Toyota: "Oh, what a feeling".
like Chinese food -- sweet, sour, and cheap.
like a bowling ball -- you pick her up, shove your fingers into her, throw her in the gutter and she still comes back for more.
like a casino: licker in the front, poker in the back.
so slutty, she could suck-start a Harley.
so slutty, her legs are like a 7-11, open 24 hours a day.
so slutty, she held a "Hands Across My Ass" charity drive.
so slutty, when she heard Santa Claus say, "HO, HO, HO!", she brought two of her friends.
so slutty, I could have been your daddy, but the guy in line behind me had the correct change.
so slutty, I could have been your daddy, but the dog beat me upstairs.
so slutty, her vibrator runs off a DieHard battery.
so slutty, I don't need a mama, me and my daddy just use yours.
So nasty, her crap is glad to escape.
so nasty, the bath water hides
Top Ten Ways McDonalds Is MoreHealth Conscious
10) Ronald McDonald no longer spends night sleeping in salad bar.
9) Happy Meals no longer include a pack of Luckies
8) When out of Shamrock Shakes, will no longer substitute mop water
7) Decorative bowls of Mercury removed from table
6) From now on, counter person will ask: "Would you like the name of a good heart
specialist with that?"
5) Discontinuing "Find a Rusty Nail in your Big Mac" promotional game.
4) New combination salad dressing/sunblock
3) Employees must wash hands after patting down choking victims for wallet and jewelry
2) Mayor McCheese removed from duty at fry machine due to wet hacking cough.
1) Decided to drop Porksicles
Top Ten Least Popular Brands Of Cigarettes
10) Hint o' Lint 100s
9) Sleepy's Mattress Flashers
8) Gee, Your Lungs Smell Terrific
7) Benson & Hedges Trimmings
6) Die-Before-Your-Kid-Goes-To-College Lights
5) L&M Turkish Prison Standards
4) Ozark Eddie's Mentholated Skeeter Chasers
3) Marion Barry "Extras"
2) Mr. Butt
1) Oscar Meyer Smokable Weenies
COMING SOON (VERY SOON: Like, in 2 or 3 DAYS!!)
CONFUCIOUS JOKES
and
WELCOME BACK KOTTER JOKES!!!!!
and
MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PLEASE COME BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS SITE!!
My Shopping List (What am I supposed to put in here, yo?!)
Some links. They're not necessarily my favorites, though.
I got this site here.
Find whatever you want here. Katie introduced me to this.
Ryan said this is better than yahoo.
You don't want to know!
This is Katie's site. Email the complaints to _blackfire_@yahoo.com. j/k
Umm.. Do YOU like Petz?
I haven't gone here for a gazillion years. (maybe a week) Celebrities.