The Many Uses of Coffee Mugs
This article was written by:FlaminCow4@aol.com
Coffee mugs…we all drink from them, we all buy them as gifts for people we don't like, we all throw them through windows when no one's looking, but do we ever use them for anything else, anything more creative? The answer is no. However, after you read this essay, I hope the answer is yes. So without further ado… "The Many Uses of Coffee Mugs"
The average coffee mug is made of porcelain, named after John Porcelain, which is very sharp when broken. Therefore, much like the beer bottles in Western movies, make great weapons when smashed against a bar or table. Of course, coffee mugs don't appear very often in Westerns, so they'll have to be used elsewhere. I suggest office buildings where coffee is always brewing and there's always someone slowly losing their mind trapped within a four-walled cubicle… On a related note, coffee cups in poetry houses also make good weapons in beatnik gang fights.
In the cold weather, we all need to keep warm by wearing hats. And you can't find a much more versatile hat than a coffee mug. Once in the warm weather, one can remove his or her hat and fill it with hot, steaming coffee to further warm oneself. A word of caution, however, as replacing the hat can be incredibly painful if the coffee remains in the hat-mug. Also, the average person will look like a shmuck while wearing their hat, so only hobos and other various poor and senile people can get away with such a fashion statement outside of LA.
When it rains, no one wants their floor to be soaked if there's a leak in the ceiling, so coffee mugs are an excellent choice for catching the water. In addition, when the apocalypse is upon us, they are an excellent choice for catching the blood raining down upon us through the leaks in the ceiling.
Since the average person who has nothing better to do than read this probably can't afford a telephone, a string can be stretched between the bottoms of two mugs to act as a communication device, much like when you see a string stretched between to cups. However, this doesn't work with coffee mugs, so you'll just have to find something better to do with all those extra coffee cups lying around.
When travelling in an airplane, pets aren't allowed on board the flight with you. But for those of you who can't bear to be away from your pet, coffee mugs are your answer. You may be asking how a lowly coffee mug can keep you and your pet together for that extra couple of hours… well, the answer is simple: simply fold your cat or dog or whatever the hell you keep as pets you sick, twisted freak…anyway, simply fold your pet in half, in half again, and in half again until you have folded your pet small enough to fit inside your coffee mug, then cram it in there carefully, so you don't break any bones or poke out any eyes or whatever. That way, you can say that you just love coffee, that's all. But don't ask for a refill, of course.
