Living With Madness(pt 5 )cont'd
Current mood: complacent
why do you put a kid's pet frog in a blender?...to watch the expression on its face! -from the book Truly Tasteless Jokes
ok, ok so i changed the joke a little, i'm not a monster. so anyways the summer was winding down, it was better than bobby had predicted. we were a two-man wrecking crew. we took an entourage of maniacs wherever we went. life was one big ha-ha. people at work couldn't wait to hear what insanity we had participated in the night before. business had actually gotten better with the new arrangement with hippy ben and my cousin deron taking over the nickel and dimers which gave us more time for our insane adventures.
some punks who lived up above pangaea, a restaurant on the north side of town, were throwing a party and due to the whole springer-esque bobby/amy/brain love triangle, we were asked not to come.well i wasn't even invited, bobby was suggested that it would be better if he didn't show. the person that had given the advice should never have done that. rising to bobby's defense, i suggested to him that we show up and totally ruin the party. his eyes grew wide, like a child on christmas eve being told of santa's impending arrival. "nnnnice!" he smiled all day. it made me happy to see the miserable bastard actually smile.
we started off the night the usual way, 5:15 happy hour at micawbers. then we hit mahogany grill, simeon's and finally coming to rest at the good ol' chanticleer, or the chanty for all you regulars out there. bretton met us around 9:30, beer o'clock for bretton, and we proceeded to get shit-faced, as they saying goes. which reminds me of another joke from the book; what did one condom say to the other while standing in front of the gay bar?... hey! what do ya say we go in here and get shit-faced?! yeah i know, i know it's a bad joke, oops ya got me.
the chanty was pretty dead for a friday night, everyone was at the fucking party. damn those fucks, they should have just let bobby come to the party. as the night went on, bobby grew more and more depressed. saying shit like, "man i should just kill myself." or " ...if i had any friends." and the classic, yeah i remember the last time i got laid,.... back in '89..". all the usual miserable bobby madness self-depreciating comments he likes to make. it's so sad the guy doesn't realize how money he actually is. if he were to get semi-successful he'd become unstoppable. but i guess that's they way it is for most people that use massive amounts of alcohol and drugs.
around midnight, a couple friends of mine, big jim k, not to be confused with the other jim k , and clint, walked into the chanty. the usual greetings and salutations went around. then i got a bright idea to invite big jim k and clint to the party with us. these two are long-haired, leather-clad, biker lookin' mofos and jim is huge.no one would dare fuck with these guys, at that party anyway. so after last call, two double shots of jager and a few pounded down pints later, we were an awesome party wrecking crew on a mission. i was pretty well lit as we headed for the party. it had rained a bit earlier and everything was coated with water. i managed to enrage bretton when, after body-checking him into the rain-soaked bushes, he couldn't catch me as he chased me down the street. i guess i didn't help matters much by laughing at him like a maniac and slowing down just enough to let him think he had a chance of catching me.
the party was in full swing when we got there. a couple of punks leaving told us they had just tapped a new keg. it was raging! people laughing, yelling, making out, the usual punk rock party scene, any party for that matter. mark z, an old schooler from back in the day, now wealthy computer guru, sees us walking in and screams, "bobby madness! tony suisidle! bretton! what's up?!" and this wave of silence , like those old e.f. hutton commercials, falls onto the party. everyone stopped what they were doing and looked at us as if we had three heads. having a good buzz on , the two mohawk chick, walked up to us and gave us some cups , "the kegs' in the kitchen" and she gave bobby and i a hug.
apparently , the party was for some chick's 23rd birthday, i didn't know who she was by name. eased by our plastic cups from one of the occupants of the house , the partiers went back to what they were doing. friends came up and greeted us, i introduced big jim and clint to anyone who approached. and the whole idea of wrecking the party seemed to just... melt away. damn, i thought, we should have just shown up, we would have probably saved ourselves at least fifty bucks in bar service. oh well , say la vee and all that. in one room, was a gravity bong. i hadn't done one of those in years. i sat patiently and awaited my turn in the circle, twice. feeling great and noticing my beer was empty i headed for the keg.
i bumped into brian on my way, when he noticed me, he added a little bounce to his walk as if he was a tough guy, or that he had gotten the best of bobby. i don't know, maybe i was just stoned. i remembered something amy had told me that brian had said about me. something like, 'oh he's a junkie', which i was for a while, i hadn't done it in a few years, 'don't hang out with him, he'll get you strung out on heroin on purpose, like he did laura.' something i had never done in my life, and actually , when people asked me for heroin that didn't do it, i wouldn't get ti for them, i'd tell them, go get drunk, you don't want to do this. or something else, but, i would NOT get anyone strung out on heroin, especially on purpose. the person that turned laura on, on the other hand , is just the kind of scumbag who would.
so, as brian was smiling his big, dumb, i'm joe cool smile, and walking his big, dumb , i'm joe cool walk, i let him have it. i said, " yeah brian, you think it's pretty funny, that you got the last laugh on bobby when you sucker punched him in the eye in micawbers for fucking amy , huh." smiling the whole time. my smile threw him off. he agreed with me, yeah he thought it was pretty funny. so i kept right on smiling with him. i leaned real close and asked, "do you want to know what's funnier than that?" he was still smiling but its glow was fading. i continued, " about a week after punching him in the eye for fucking amy, he fucked her again." he was still sort of smiling, but his eyes weren't, but i kept right on smiling at him. "do you want to know what's even funnier than that? i watched him fuck her, so did my friend , rich." now i had his attention, he was no longer smiling at all, in fact, he looked pretty shocked. i could see his brain working out the scenario in his head. i must be truthful, i was loving every tiny bit of this meltdown.
i continued my little speech, i was having fun, like a cat does with a bird or mouse. " do you want to know what's even funnier than that, it gets even better. she knew we were watching her, she looked me right in the eyes while she screamed out her pleasure. she said, 'oh bobby.. hit it.. right there...'" i imitated her as if someone was fucking me from behind." oh, by the way this is the best part." i had to grab ahold of his arm because he was in a hurry to get away from me. he knew it was true, he wanted to confront amy about this immediately.i landed my knockout punch, " when she was done, she was late to pick you up. she didn't even have time to take a shower! she drove off in YOUR car as fast as she could to pick you up. isn't that fuckin' hilarious? so , brian, tell me, again. do you think it's still funny that YOU got the last laugh on HIM?" he looked at me like he was going to cry and he asked, "tony, why do you have to be such an asshole?" to which i replied, " 'cause i think it's funny!" he growled and stormed away, i headed for the keg.
meanwhile, bobby was in the other room talking to some one when brian stormed in and grabbed amy by the arm. later on after we left, bobby told me that brian said, " you said you wouldn't do this to me anymore. you said it was over" when she asked brian what he was talking about, he told her he knew she was still fucking bobby. from the keg i heard amy screeching, "bobby madness, you're such an asshole!" to which he replied, "fuck you , ya whore!" i looked up from the keg at some girl pouring her beer as i waited for the tap, it turned out later to be the birthday girl. i smiled at her and said . "i guess the honeymoon's over." she fake smiled back, you know the all lip no eye smile, and handed me the tap. bretton, big jim, clint and i were huddled together talking in the kitchen , i informed them to get ready for the fireworks.
from the other room, brain yelled to bobby, "man, you need to control your boys bobby," bobby told him that we were not HIS boys. that we were separate identities. amy was still screeching at bobby, "you don't even belong here, you're old, no one even likes you you should ju-" bobby had shut her up with a faceful of beer. the next thing we heard was a loud crash. we headed for the main room of the party. bobby was practically crowd surfing on top of people as they were trying to grab him. brian was jockeying for position to get to bobby. suddenly bobby grabbed a shelf, a six foot long board and swing it around, brian had picked up a hammer and broke the cheap wood into pieces with one swing of the hammer. bobby picked up a half-full bottle of whiskey and hurled it at brian with the tenacity of a "rocket" clemens bean ball at mike piazza. the bottle struck brian square in the forehead and bounced off, after realizing it was plastic bobby screamed, "what the fuck? you cheap fucks!" there was now nothing between brian and bobby and it looked like brian was going to use the hammer on bobby's head, i decided it was now time to intervene.
"hey brian!!" i screamed as loud as i could, getting the attention of all the people in the room, including brain. " you think you're such a tough guy, why do you need the hammer?" i had picked up a glass bottle of beer that was almost full. i got brian to finally put the hammer down with the skill of a police hostage negotiator. i was actually a little proud of myself. i asked all the people that had been trying to grab bobby, if they still wanted to jump into his and brian's fight, telling anyone who did was going to get to fight me. i told them they were all a bunch of pussies and that i could clear the room by myself. most people in the room were there the night at the chanty, when i knocked out the six people in front of it. nobody wanted to fight anymore. amy began to screech at me , and i just looked at her. she shut right up. i went to get another beer,mine had been spilled and the beer in my hand was piss warm, and it wasn't mine in the first place.
when i got to the keg, the birthday girl was standing there. when i picked up the tap, she said that i should leave. that this was her birthday party and these were her friends.then, to cover her ass, she turned to big jim and clint and said "you guys can stay, but they," pointing at bobby bretton and i, "have to go." i was completely sure there was no one there who was going to kick me out, and i told her so. she then told me she would call the cops,and i then reminded her that this was her party, that there were under aged kids drinking from her keg. she became infuriated screeching profanities and slandering accusations at me. i quietly told her that maybe she should have been born a man. she exploded, screaming about two inches from my face. i stepped back and looked at her boyfriend, "excuse me, dude, but if you don't shut her the fuck up, i am gonna bust your fuckin' jaw." the poor fuck shrugged , and demanded,"what the fuck did I do?" i told him that i wasn't gonna hit a girl and that he just happened to be unfortunate enough to be her boyfriend. he then asked her to be quiet, and she turned her venomous rant onto him. poor guy, i know he probably didn't get laid for a few days from that. i later apologized, quite recently actually, to the both of them.
bored , tired and extremely drunk, i said to the crew, "man, let's get the fuck out of here." i opened the fridge and saw a twelve pack of icehouse and took it.we gathered in the parking lot and smoked a joint. big jim and clint were heading back downtown and we were going to the west side towards home so i smoked the guys up for their walk. as we smoked in the parking lot, the party sent out two delegates. one was a kid wearing a patch, he only has one eye having lost it to some youthful trauma i can't recall at this time. the other was a fifteen year-old scrawny little kid. they told us thew people at the party were worried we were going to fuck with the cars or beat people up as they left. we laughed. we told the kids that the people upstairs weren't their friends, sending them out here to get their asses kicked. we also told them we were just smoking a joint we weren't even thinking about fucking with anyone's car. then jokingly i said, "but, now that you mention it," and headed for a car pretending to go fuck with one and i laughed and turned around. it really isn't funny sober and in retrospect, well maybe a little, then the skinny kid asked, real sad-like, "uhhh , can i have my beer back." i smiled and pulled out two, telling him just cause he had the balls to come out and ask for it. i told him he could come to the house with us if he wanted to drink it but he refused. we finished the joint without further incident, said our goodbyes with hand slaps and back pats and went our separate ways. laughing as we rehashed the last hour or so.