Cuts. Too many cuts. Too many bleeding cuts. Pain. Too much pain. Too much emotional pain. Unanswered questions swirling in my head. Why does the person I love show fake care? Why does she even bother? People say it's my fault that I'm so cold. No, it's not. It's people. I try to talk. I try to get help. No one will help me. Tim, Chadd, Alexia, Aleks. The people I loved the most. All the people I would do anything for.
Tim, my best friend. The person who whipped more ass for me than anyone even thought of. My first friend during my "prep phase". The person that paid two thousand dollars to bail me out of Juvie, where I would've been for three years. He killed himself. When I found out, I cried for two hours.
Chadd, my other best friend. The person that talked me out of murdering someone. My first friend during my "punk phase". The person that went to Juvie for punching a cop and telling him to fuck off when he was harrasing me. He over-dosed. When I found out, I cried for two hours.
Alexia. My dear Alexia. Ther only person along with me who knows what it's like to have no one to love. My girlfriend during my "gothic phase". My last girlfriend. The one that introduced me to the world of sodomy. The person I lost my virginity to. The person that told my mom to fuck herself and burn in hell when she called her a skank. People say that when you're gothic, you can't love. If that were true, would we have exchanged genital piercings? People say that they love each other. They're stupid. They don't know what love is. Love is when you care so much about someone that when you think that they're moving, you want to die. You cut yourself. You cry. You can't stop thinking about that person at all. When Alexia killed herself, I cried like a baby for six hours, got hooked on drugs and cut myself to the bone.
Aleks. The only living person that I still love. The person I've been locked up twice for. Once for breaking a kids arm because he called her a slut, and once for getting caught with 'I love Aleks' cut into my leg. Deeply. The person I refuse to see die. I hope before I die, I can atleast get a hug from her. She knows more about me than anyone on this planet. She says she believes me. She says she cares. But, for some reason, I don't think she really means it. I think she knows I love her, but I don't think she knows how much. I had once written to her "Terrance had no reason for wanting to die". I wrote that because anyone who is going out with Aleks and wants to die is the most stupid motherfucker in the world. I had also written to her "I only know one thing that would make a difference". That one thing was getting Aleks to be more than a friend to me. Having one last person to say I love you to. I've told her how much everyone hates me. That I have no one to love and no one to love me in return. But I soon will, once I join Tim, Chadd and Alexia. Aleks is still alive and I hope she remains that way for another forty or fifty years.
I used to think, 'When I die, no one will shed a single tear'. I learned that I was wrong. People will shed tears, but of joy, not sorrow. No one will care that I'm dead. No one will look back and say 'Why?'. I've tried telling people my story, but no one ever believes me. They call me a liar. They spread it all around and they say that I need a psychiatrist. They're no better. I've tried to get help of every kind. You know how to tell if someone is crazy? If they cut themselves and drink their own blood.
I am alone in this world. My brother, Mom, and Dad all hate me and they're the only family I have. I always did my best to stay away from them, but after Tim killed himself, I had no where to go so I was stuck in this cursed house. But not for long. When I kill myself, I will finally be free. Free from this fucked up world. Free from all of this pain. Painful memories. Memories of how I realized I loved them. Tim, when he bailed me out of Juvie. Chadd, when he punched that cop. Alexia, when she told my mom to fuck herself. Aleks, when she was crying and I cut myself in class just to see if she was okay.
This all hurts too much. Too long and too much for me to wait for things to get better. Every time I see someone kiss or hug, it infuriates me and yet, at the same time, it makes me want to cry knowing that I don't have anyone. No one understands what it's like. What it's like not o be loved. What it's like to not have your own mother love you.
I wonder if suicide is a crime? I wonder is in death, there's a special place for people that kill themselves? If there is, then I'm going there. It's ironic because I enjoy physical pain, but emotional pain kills me. I've tried every escape. Talk, drugs, music, video games, TV. None of it worked. Talk helped, but you can only say so much between friends.
Death. The end. Or is it the beginnig? I will soon find out.
Death. Die. Dead. Kill me. Tears. Blood. Sadness. Why is it all in my head? I don't know, but I do care. The pain is unbareable. I wish I had a gun. Then with one pul of the trigger, I would finally be dead. I don't care. There is a 99.9% chance I will kill myself. Fuck life. It hurts too damn much.
That is not dead that can eternal lie, and with strange aeons even death may die.