So, you decided to see what's up with this, huh? Okay, I'll humour you. In a nutshell, I am going to finally do the right thing and rid the world of this vile beast of myself. I'm not sure when exactly, but I know how and I know where.

You might be asking yourself, "Why?" Or, more importantly, "So fuckin' what? Why don't you just do it? Why make a website?" But questions are valid, I think. So, I will try to answer them both. Second one first.

I made this stupid site in hopes that maybe someone else who has the same mental disorder I have will see this and seek help. Or, if someone you know is as fucked up as I am, you will try to help them. Me? I have no one and that's a good thing. If I did have someone, I don't know if I would be able to make this decision.

Now, for the first question. In 1988, I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder as well as schizophrenia. My parents refused to accept this and were also so wound-up in their own drama that I went untreated. My condition worsened as a result. For the next four years I ate LSD lke it was candy and actually felt somewhat normal. I mean, I felt like I was a normal person while I was on it. I was happy, socialible, had rational coherant thoughts and goals. Something has to be wrong if you eat LSD to feel like a "regular guy", don't you think?

In 1992 I met the love of my life, but after nearly six years, she could no longer deal with me. By this time, I had even convinced myself that there was nothing wrong with me, it was everyone else that was fucked up. Sure, for awhile I tried to hold it together. I held down a jobn I hated for three years and even tried going back to school. But in late 1997, things really started going to shit. I was becoming increasingly more delusional. I was becoming an alcoholic to drown out the noise in my head. Everything was rapidly spinning out of control all around me. I was unable to hold down a job, was evicted from my apartment and lost the love of my life.

Since I am poor, I turned to one of thse state deals to help me get some sort of head meds to try and at least get me leveled out. I was experiencing extreme anxiety abd paranoia. I was homeless, jobless and eating out of restaurant dumpsters. The state determined that since I was "an able bodied white man", I would get no help from them. No food stamps, no disability, no medical help. And since I had no fixed address, I couldn't even collect unemployment. The state mental health caseworker I had simply referred me to AA. That and Jesus would sort me out in no time.

But it didn't.