Well, we all know there is no such thing; unfortunately, the perfect man went the way of the tooth fairy, Santa Claus, Bill Clinton's fidelity, and Britney Spears' natural breasts ("and virginity" quoth my mother). Since we know he doesn't exist, my friends and I thought, why not make one? So with a pair of scissors and a stack of US Weekly Magazines, we set off to find the essential pieces necessary to build the perfect man. The results? I can't remember absolutely everything, because I was pseudo-intoxicated, but it went a little something like this:

• Nick Lachey's Dimples (he's the guy from 98 degrees who's married to Jessica Simpson)
• John Stamos' Italian Stallion-ness (so what if I had a thing for Uncle Jessie at the ripe old age of ten?)
• Mel Gibson's Australian Accent
• Paul Walker's Eyes
• Mark McGrath's Back
• Ben Affleck's Squeezable Buns
• Matthew McConaughey's Hair
• Jake Gyllenhaal's Smile
• Conan O'Brien's Sense of Humor
• And the Calvin Klien Crave Model's Everything Else (mmm! he's what I crave)!

And the following day, I was explaining the idea of generating our own perfect man to another friend of mine and together we furthered the plan. We came to the conclusion that the perfect man shouldn't be a "man" at all, but a robot. This way, we have more control over him and also, he's less like to turn into an asshole. Also, when he says, "I love you" he means it just as much as any real guy, so there's no problem. But our robot will be much better than a real man. His daily chores will consist of fanning me with palm fronds, feeding me frozen grapes, providing me with full-body massages, and, of course, sex. To better equip him for these tasks, his hands, mouth, and penises will vibrate on command. Yes, that's right, I said penises. The perfect man has a case full of them- big ones, small ones, pierced ones, some as big as your head (allusion to the "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" song... hee hee). Whatever I'm in the mood for- just slap it on and go. And every penis not only vibrates, but also secrets lubrication- the ultimate way to prevent female dryness.

His muscles will be made by using pressure-controlled saline packages, similar to janet jackson's abs, but this way he can flex them on command. And the perfect man will be controlled by voice command, similar to how women try to control men, only this way it will actually work. We're still working the details on what his skin should be made of. I say baby skin, but my friend thinks extracting the skin is "inhumane." Go figure. Well, no matter what his exterior is made of, it will be silky smooth, like a baby's bottom. And forget about being cold on dateless nights, the perfect man will be climate controlled. When it's cold, he generates his own heat and will be a nice, warm, snuggle buddy. When it's time to get down and dirty, the perfect man will get hot just like a real guy, only with more ability to please us ladies. With that being said, I am going to go snuggle up next to my perfect man.

Where can I get my very own perfect man?

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