First and foremost, throw out all notions of breaking up with any girl face- to-face. Why would you want to do that? I mean, sure, you get to see that priceless, "oh, my heart is broken" face, but then she'll cry, and you'll probably get put on consolation duty. Who wants to hug, pat, and reassure a sobbing, hysterical ex-girlfriend? Simply follow this guide and in no time, you'll be dumping girls like the cold-blooded, lame excuse for a human being that you really are.

Now, since the dread face-to-face break up is no longer an option, how are you supposed to go about it? There are several approaches that are easy, convient, and not to mention heartless enough that you're sure to look like the complete and total bastard that you've always aspired to be. These approaches are the phone break up, the internet break up, the email break up, and the just-leave-her-hanging break up.

The telephone break up, if done incorrectly, may still leave you with a shread of respect from the ex- girlfriend, so this would be the trickiest of the three break ups. Listen carefully: never call from your own phone line. We recommend you calling from a buddy's house. This works especially well if the girl has Caller I.D. because then she'll know that you have no intention of giving her your undivided attention. If she still doesn't notice that your obviously not sitting in your room or someplace private so that you can concentrate on her, speak up. Make her hold on a sec while you instruct your buddy to turn the game up. Or better yet, just blurt out how it's not working out between the two of you and then explain how you have to go because your over so-and-so's house and the game's about to begin. Voila! Instant Asshole-Status.

The internet break up has many advantages, including that you can premeditate what your going to say, you can talk to your friends at the same time, and you can be completely impersonal. The only problem you may incur is that, because the girl knows you are obviously located somewhere with a phone near by. She may beg you to call her. If she requests you to call her, you can simply ignore it, tell her your in a computer lab, or straight up tell her you don't want to deal with her bullshit. The possibilities are virtually endless. If she gets annoying, simply sign offline, or better yet, block her ass. It's not like you want to deal with her shit in the future.

The email break-up: the epitome of cold-heartedness. Not everyone is enough of a complete and total bastard to intentionally hurt a girl like this. But if you can pull it off, you are definitely the man. The email break-up works best if you stop all communication with the girl for a couple weeks before springing some type of convoluted "explanation" on her. That way, she's much less likely to respond. I recommend you screen all telephone calls for a couple of days following the email break-up, because if she does want to respond to it, watch out. No heartless bastard wants to deal with the raging esterogen that you've unleashed onto the planet, so stay away from her and everything will be okay.

The just leave her hanging is the simplest way out. If your a true-blue pussy: this technique's for you. The approach is very simple: just stop communicating with her. If she tries to contact you, either ignore it, or talk for .4 milliseconds and then suddenly have to leave. Eventually she'll get the hint. If it takes her too long, then the next time she contacts you, start telling her about your new girlfriend. Even the thickest girl's will give up after that.

And don't forget the friendship clause. Everytime you actively initiate a break-up (just-leave-her-hanging approach not included), you must end the conversation in "I still want to be friends." That is the final nail in the coffin. Without the friendship clause, you aren't officially broken up. Don't worry, it's not like you actually have to be friends with her. Only if she's a stupid ass will she actually believe it. I mean, it's not like either one of you would treat your friends as inconsiderately as you have just treated her. Any self-respecting female will stay the fuck away from you after one of these break ups, or egg your car, same difference.