This is my application to become a card-carrying Heartless Bitch. Does this sound like something you'd be interested in? Go to the site and fill out an application!

"I'm a Heartless Bitch because..." (Tell us in detail about your Heartless Bitch qualities.)

First of all, my webpage most definitely expresses Heartlessly Bitchy qualities and sentiments; however, the url is rather lengthy and did not fit in the box above, so I shall post it here: https://www.angelfire.com/creep/riddledwithsarcasm/index.html (i recommend the "delightful revision of an essay I wrote last year" and "the idiot's guide to..." as heartlessly bitchy reads). I know in my heart (or a lack thereof by this site's standards) I am really and truly am a heartless bitch. I can't define the "reasons," but I'll try my best to provide examples.

1. Everytime I watch a romantic commedy (read: get forced into viewing them) I feel that a small part of me dies. It takes every single ounce of my being not to stand up in the middle of the theatre and scream, "YOU LYING SACK OF SHIT! [yeah, I tend to yell at inanimate objects] YOU SCREENWRITER IS UNORIGINAL, YOUR DIRECTOR CARES MORE ABOUT PROFIT THAN THE OVERALL QUALITY OF THIS PIECE OF SHIT, AND YOUR PRODUCER IS A WHORE! YOU ALL ARE NOTHING BUT SHEEP FOR WATCHING THIS MOVIE! SHEEP I TELL YOU!"
2. I get pissed at people who think that feminist are all psycho raging-lesbians. Granted, I do not have a problem with psychos, or raging-lesbians, psycho raging-lesbians, or even raging-lesbian psychos. But just because I am a liberal feminst (definition: I want all rights and privileges that men have, granted to women as well- equal work for equal pay and such), doesn't mean that I view marriage as a horrible form of slavery becauses it forces women into housework and sex (can't remember the author's name, but I did have to read some feminist literary work that was that extreme in a composition class).
3. I have helped my friends out of terrible situations. My best example is my friend, M-. She had been dating the same loser for a pretty good while and since he was away at school, most of us hadn't seen how shitty he had been to her. The one day, I was at her house. We had planned to go to a concert a few weeks in advance and said loser boyfriend decided that the two of them were doing something alone (read: booty call). So he throws a temper tantrum over the phone. She goes ballistic and starts sobbing (understandably). I can actually hear this asshole yelling at her, "You are not allowed to see me. Don't ever call this number again." And I knew this loser would get mad and say things he never actually meant, for the mere enjoyment of upsetting her. So I instanteously get pissed off. Knowing perfectly well that this dipshit can here me, I start screaming, "WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS!? GIVE ME THE GODDAMNED PHONE M-!" She wouldn't (pity, it would have been fun ripping him a new one), but I did get her to hang up on him. So off we went to the concert, where I set her up with the guitarist she had the hots for. He came over and started chatting with us, and I informed (read: made up on the spot) of our plans for after the concert, inviting him along, of course. He came, and they left together. Not even four hours after her asshole boyfriend of a couple years went ape shit, I get her to fool around with a new guy she'd be crushing on for a while. She's a hero in my eyes. ::sigh::
4. I have no problem standing up for myself, or anything else I believe in. A prime example of this would have been how I dealt with my high school. The alma mater was quite the fascist regime. It was an oligarchy as well, run a few socially-accepted folks who felt the need to insult and ridicule those they deemed "beneath them." I was one of those "beneath" folks, I feel because I did what I want and said what I felt; furthermore, I didn't (and still don't) care too much about what people think of me. And I feel this was intimidating to said socially-accepted fascists. I had befriended a majority of these people, before I realized they were belittling and backstabbing me. So off Lauren went on a little Lauren tangent. These people were confronted and told never to speak to me again. This led to constant criticism of yours truly whenever a group of them were together, in classes. Faculty would have to stop teaching so the little brats could discuss me: what was wrong with me, what makes me tick, etc. Finally, I had enough. One of my friends had written down a few quotations said during the discussion. Wrote a nice little letter, refuting every quote I had recieved. Copies of the letter swarmed around the halls, but I just laughed. Looking back, it's almost flattering how much time, attention, and money (making the copies) they spent on me.

   Lastly, I would like to say I never classified myself as "heartless" or "bitchy." It almost makes it seem like being content without having some guy to "complete" you is a bad thing. However, after reading this site, I realized that in doctorine, I am indeed a "heartless bitch," whether or not I get to be the few and proud who are indeed card-carrying members. Either way you decide, thank you for your time.

   What one (or two) line(s) best sums up your Heartless Bitchiness? (Whatever you do, AVOID using things you've seen on keychains or bumper-stickers. BE ORIGINAL!)

   "Remember, even Prince Charming was a jerk. He pimped out Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, and Cinderella." -LG (me)

   "Men are merely puppets controlled by intelligent beings called 'testicles'." -MB (my friend's sister... I'm literally jealous I didn't think of it first.)

   "You're not really a heartless bitch, though. You're just sassy, ever-so-sassy" -mike