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My Rental Car: What Better Way to Offend Your Nostrils?

As you probably read or heard me bitch about, my car was involved in an attack that left her with $2,366.58 worth of damage. The Lil' Hoe'bile, as I affectionately call her, is in the shop. I am throughly amused, however, by the fact that ninteen-year-old me gets my very own rental car for the duration of the Hoe'bile-repairing procedure. It is a 2003 black ext/black int Dodge Neon. It's your basic rental in most ways: no added features, speakers all blasted out, radio stations programmed to crap, crap, and more crap... you know, the usual. I didn't notice anything out of the ordinary until the second day I had it that I realized anything was wrong with the car. It sat out in the sun for a while and when I got back in it and took a breath of air, it hit me: the car has a strange and terrible smell. On my commute home, I analyzed the odor. It has three main components:

Morbidly Obese Person Smell: If you have never experienced this for yourself, be grateful. This is the smell of someone who is too large to reach into all their nooks and crannies when washing and smells foul because of it. My Home Economics teacher in 8th grade had this "fat smell." I remember that if she ever touched our food in class, I wouldn't eat it.
Dirty Cooch: I know what your thinking, "How do I know what dirty cooch smells like?" I went to White Trash High School, I know these things.
Sweat: no explanations there. It's sweat; of course you've smelled it.

Inductive reasoning has led to me to believe that this combination of odors can be caused by one thing: fat sex. Yup, two heavyweights had to have fucked in my rental. It's only a Neon, I don't know how the morbidly obese people were able to get into it, let alone bump uglies in it, but they found a way, and they sure as hell got some workout while doing it, cuz they sure did work up a sweat.

Needless to say, the "fat sex" smell is the most horrid odor I have ever experienced. It's by far worse than cigarettes and skunks and weed and beer farts and shit combined. I grabbled (yes, grabbled) a can of vanilla air freshener and sprayed the hell out of the rental. Then my friend Michele Febrezed the shit out of it. The sweat and dirty cooch smells have been mostly eliminated, but traces of that pesky "fat smell" still remain. Add to that, the vanilla air freshener remains quite strong and it was pretty old and quazi-nasty, but at the time I thought, "Hey, I'd rather smell that then fat sex." So I just hopped in the car and sprayed away. So, now the car smells like a cheap fatty prostitute.

Febreze: Cleans Fat Sex Smells Out of Your Way.