Today was like any other day at school. I had just given my Seuss Speech and I was feeling pretty damn happy. (Because I am a nerd and I don't get out much, scholastic achievement excites me.) I go to microwave up my packed dinner, because I'm too poor to buy food at school everyday, when I see some of my friends sitting at a table, so I join them. My friend Ed is in my public speaking class and had apparently told the group about my speech before I had gotten there. One of the kids, I have seen around campus, but I don't exactly know his name or anything, starts telling me about how much he loves Seuss' literary works. Naturally, I comment that one of my favorite authors is Geisel as well, and how much funnier the reactions are when you tell people you love Geisel's literary achievements, mainly because they cannot deduce that Ted Geisel is Dr. Seuss. I then remember that I have a typed copy of my speech on hand, so I let him have a read at it. Meanwhile, he is reading this speech and the entire table is bustling with chatter. One of his friends asks him, "Hey, what is your screenname? I think I have it misspelled in my buddy list." He responds, "Jack-i-tus... you know, like a disease." "::sigh of relief:: ahhh, this guy's name is Jack, make note of that, Lauren." I think to myself. Unfortunately for poor Jack, before he can finish reading my literary achievement, he has to leave, so I just write down the url to this website and he goes off on his merry way. So tonight, I recieve this email:

Subj: Dating Application

From: jackitus@hotmail.com

To: runaroundnekked@aol.com

[I figure Jack's read *the*dating*application and is being cutesy and filled it out. I've had a couple guys do it before, no big deal.]

A dating application? Surely you jest. [In a website who's url reads RiddledWithSarcasm, the kid asks if I jest?? Moron.] I need no application...mayhaps [define mayhaps??] an introduction...eventually ;') [modest, ain't he?]

For the moment you may refer to me using a pseudonym of my choice, J.R. Scotland [Oh GEEPERS, Scooby-Doo, who could it possibly be!?!?!]. I must say[needs a comma here... Boy, I am such a nerd] however, you intrigue me [Well, what can I say, I have that affect on creepy, pseudo-Internet stalkers]. The application idea is a novel one, however i think you could have definitely put more thought into the questions you asked [I did it for shits-and-giggles, I think the application works fine for its intended purpose]. Is a man only the collection of his past relationships? Is a woman? I think not. A person is so much more than any of these trivial things. For example, what of goals, happiest moments, most painful moments? Do these not carry more weight than the opinions of ex-girlfriends and flings? [Oh yes, you have shown me the error of my ways! Now when I redo my dating application, it will be so efficient I won't even have to "get to know the person" I can just tell if they are my sole mate from my dating application! What a life saver!!!] Do i not annoy you [now we're talking] with my persistent questions without any answers of my own [oh]. To tell you the truth i'm just too lazy to fill the damn thing out, BUT you do intrigue me... just a little [Just a little?? Don't hurt yourself there, kiddo.]

As for: [the following is taken directly from *the*dating*application]

Spending quality time with me

Appreciating and Cherishing me

Listening to my problems

Occasionally Showering me with affection

Providing me with plenty of hugs, kisses, and other little nookies

Finding creative ways to make me smile

Being considerate of my wants, needs, and emotions

Having an innate desire to please me physically, emotionally, mentally, and sexually ["Even this one I have where Jesus Christ is jackhammering Mickey Mouse in the doo-doo hole with a lawn dart as Garth Brooks gives birth to something resemblin' a cheddar cheese log with almonds on Santa Claus' tummy tum?" -Bloodhound Gang (i couldn't resist)]

Respecting my morals, decisions, and life choices

Fulfilling promises on a regular basis (e.g. I'll call you tomorrow, I'll take you out Friday , etc.)

Eventually Trusting me a side of you most others do not see

Keeping my secrets safe in your heart

...well i suppose only time will tell... [only in your dreams and my nightmares if you keep this shit up, Mr. J.R. Scotland]

[Yes, the way to my heart is a few flowery words and being treated no better than a sex object. You've figured me out. I need you. I want you. Take me now.]

"you know... that guy is like one of those geeks who tries to impress you with witty, long-winded, one-sided banter and multisyllabic gibberish. he fails, and i believe he's off the team." -rich

there's a reason why i stay single