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Amish Erotica
I'm sure that, if you hadn't already asked this, by now you probably are asking: "What the hell are you smoking!" Well, first of all, I'll never tell, and secondly, this idea of Amish smut wasn't my idea at all, in fact, I was asked to write it. One of the websites I frequent (the link has been on this site since the beginning), Modified Living, asked for anyone interested in helping write a particular type of erotica to email the webmaster, Noah. So, I offered my smut-writing services, and this is the email I received:

The theme is Amish erotica. Anything barnyard amish related... nothing like really really vulgar.. but do what you like.

I just about peed myself at the mere idea of writing Amish erotica. So, here's what I sent him back, posted here for your enjoyment:

my dearest noah,

i took a stab at amish erotica-- it ended up being a lot of BAD puns and stereotypes --both amish stereotypes, and trashy romance stereotypes-- but a few of my minions (yes, i have minions) found them pretty entertaining. i didn't really write one whole story, but bits and pieces of different interesting senarios that came into my head. i don't think i was "too vulgar," but i also had a hard time discerning what would be "too vulgar" for an article that would be along side great wonders such as the blow-up doll on the frat house and a theory that to be cool, one must get high, to then in turn get A.I.D.S. okay, i'll stop rambling... onto the amish smut:

Before dawn, I snuck into the loft of the barn so I could watch Nathaniel from afar. I saw him there as he milked the cows. Grasping each utter with his strong hands, Nathaniel teased each utter with the greatest care to ensure all the milk reached his pail. The cows hesitantly mooed as if they savored his gentle touch with every ounce of their being. “Oh” I thought to myself. “If only I were as lucky as those cows. If only he would squeeze my breasts and milk me.”


Jeremiah watched Mary as she churned butter for her sister’s wedding the next day. Her strong arms moved up and down, slowly and gracefully, like a delicate flower, but also strong and firm, like a woman who would know how to have her way with her man. He then noticed her supple, round breasts, bouncing roundabout with each powerful thrust she pushed down forcefully onto the butter in the churn below. He then became aroused and tried to hide his throbbing member from Mary. Her eyes met his. "Is something wrong?" she asked innocently. The noon-time sun that shone through the window reflected in her sky blue eyes. "N-n-n-n-n-nothing" was all Jeremiah was able to stammer out. She shashayed over to the counter-top that Jeremiah was leaning against, her long, powder blue skirt flowing behind her, swishing left and right with each sway of her hip. "Wow" she remarked surprisingly. "What!?" Jermiah questioned nervously, for he know that if she would notice the bulge in his trousers, he could be banished from the town for offending her. "The zucchini sure are big and ripe this time of year" she commented. Jeremiah peered out of the kitchen window, and squinted towards the feild. "I didn't mean those zucchini," she remarked slyly as she ran her hand over his pulsating manhood. Jeremiah threw his head back in a fit of passion and groaned loudly as Mary unfastened the clasps holding his trousers.

(this one is dedicated to my mom, because she actually helped me.. i'm serious-- calling it a "pulsating manhood" was all her idea.)


Amos lusted for Elizabeth from afar since she had grown from a fragile, young girl and into a strong, beautiful woman. His wife, Rebecca, had grown distant over the years and he craved the passion that the two once shared. It was very late in the evening, about 7:30 p.m., and Amos was returning from a business venture. The wind blew through his hair as he bounced in the buggy while the horse trotted at a steady pace. Amos was almost home when he saw a woman walking along the dirt road. He pulled the reigns and his black stallion slowed to a stop. The mysterious woman kept on walking-- all Amos could see was the back of her bonnet and a few wisps of strawberry blonde hair tickling the nape of her neck. Amos asked, "Can I take you where you're going, Miss; it's not proper for a lady to be walking alone this late at night." The woman turned her head. Amos' heart sunk: it was Elizabeth. Even with only the faint moonlight peering through the clouds, he immediately recognized her bright green eyes glowing on her porcelain face, with freckles dotting her face like the stars in the sky. "I don't mind the walk, honestly," Elizabeth replied as she tried to hide the tears drenching her face in the darkness. "Miss, I beg for the pleasure of your company. It's growing colder and a lady should not be out walking the streets at this hour." She forced a smiled and climbed into the buggy. Amos pulled his handkerchief and gave it to Elizabeth. "Please, dry your pretty eyes," the words stumbled from his mouth. Elizabeth graciously wiped her eyes. Amos then pulled the reigns and the horse began trotting again. Despite how beautiful the summer evening was, with the sky full of stars, the fresh smell of honeysuckle filling the air, and the crickets chirping harmoniously with the soft plodding of the horses' hooves against the dirt road, Elizabeth's quiet tears turned the wonderful evening cold and chilling. After several moments, the silence was broken from Amos' voice: "If you don't mind me asking, would you please tell me what's troubling you." "Oh," she sighed, "it's just the idea of courting. There aren't any boys that I like. They just seem so immature; I need a real man." Amos sat speechless as Elizabeth continued. "I guess you don't have to worry about that anymore, being married and all." For a moment, Amos regretted that Amish customs forbid him to shave his beard, so that Elizabeth would never know of his wedlock [i'm not shitting here, i did my research]. Amos paused, "Marriage isn't all that it's cracked up to be. My wife seems to want nothing do to with me anymore" Amos explained as he hung his head low, shamefully. Elizabeth pulled the handkerchief from her eyes and turned to look at him sympathetically. Another awkward silence ensued. Amos watched the road ahead, while biting on his lower lip while Elizabeth turned and watched him. "Maybe you two just aren't right together" she mumbled. Elizabeth yawned as she began to nod off to sleep. The next thing she remembered, she awoke to find her head resting on Amos shoulder. The buggy had stopped in an empty feild. She lifted her head and gazed at the sky. All the coulds had vanished, and the sky was full of stars. "Amos, it's beautiful!" she remarked. "This is where I go whenever I want to think." Amos shyly stated. He looked like he had something on his mind he wanted to say. Elizabeth smiled as if to encourage Amos to speak. "You know," He started, "If I could do it all over again, I would have waited for you. I don't care that you are seven years my minor." He immediately regretted what he had said. "I guess I better take you home now." "No, let's stay out a little longer" and with that remark, Elizabeth leaned in to Amos' embrace. The whiskers of Amos' cheek brushed against hers, and tickled her nose. The two gazed into each others' eyes and kissed. Amos, cupped his hands over her warm, supple breasts as Elizabeth removed his shirt. She then twirled her fingers around his chest hair. It was there, that night, that Amos did Elizabeth doggy style in the buggy.

well, i hope this is something close to what you were looking for. use whatever you like, or use nothing at all. i offered to help you because i enjoy writing satire, not because i enjoy hardcore noah ass-kissing. in fact, i also have a satirical website and i've promoted your site on it since the beginning. i would be flattered if you would take a look at it.

hope you like my scribblings and thank you in advance for looking at my site (if you do at all)



UPDATE! Apparently the my little writings made the cut and will be posted onto in an upcoming update! Just look for the Amish Erotica pen names: Sindy Juggs, Elizabeth Randy, and Rebecca Sin... they're all me.

UPDATE UPDATE! Amish Porn Site is up and running! Check it out now or be banished from the community.