Disclaimer: This is STILL not meant to be “hot” or “sexy”. It’s meant to be amusing and entertaining. If you don’t know these people, then by all means, imagine them so. If you do know them, then… this is a fictitious portrayal of said people. They are all very happy with whoever they are with. And it’s NOT SUPPOSED TO BE OFFENSIVE! It’s also meant to show that fandom can be scary. Now, prepare to be even more shocked and amazed.
MORE NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT
The Sequel to the Very Disturbing End-all to Bad Yaoi Fan Fiction:
And you thought the last one was bad…
Steve Parrish was a decent man. He was a teacher, a father and a husband. Sure in his younger years he'd had a few brushes with the law involving the band Kiss, but other than that, he was a decent guy. However, today he didn't feel like he was.
He had just slept with one of his co-workers.
Getting up that morning was harder than ever. He was overcome with guilt and a million questions were racing through his head. Should I get a sub? What if the children found out? What if MY children found out? But even if the questions weren’t keeping him in bed, it was the fact that he couldn't walk that did.
His wife was out of town with his children, which was a bad thing, considering that he couldn't walk. What had they done last night? That was something that he didn't want to think about. Mustering up all of his strength, he staggered to his feet. It was probably better to face the music. In a few more minutes.
"You getting up?" asked a voice.
"What..? Who are you?" He said as he rubbed his eyes and looked towards his window. It was all ready light out and he saw what appeared to be a girl with long black hair perched by his window sill.
"You can't be late for school! Think of all the children you would disappoint!"
Parrish strained his eyes. Who the hell was that girl? She was just... sitting there. Was she one of his students? After a moment, he realized who it was.
"Valerie? Is that you?" he asked.
The girl began waving and motioning for him to come to the window so Parrish stumbled out of bed towards her but by the time that he was stabilized on his feet, the girl appeared to be gone. Since he was already up though, he thought it would be good to forget the queer event of the morning and try to start the day with a clean slate.
After a tedious and uneventful time getting ready, Parrish got into his car and started listening to Kiss' Greatest Hits. Unfortunately, the song "I was made for loving you baby" began playing. He turned the radio off. It reminded him too much of both his wife and HIM.
Everything went smoothly until he pulled into his parking spot in front of the school and he was approached by one of his students as he released himself from the seatbelt.
That student was Mark Le Dain, one of the top students in the school. He appeared to be of a calm demeanor, though he could see that there might be something wrong.
"Mr. Parrish, what happened in between you and Mr. Patterson last night? Mi... A student told me it was something big... and can I talk to you?"
Parish's face went completely blank. He couldn't utter anything except for "Well, I don't know..." as he pulled his jacket away from his neck. How could Mark know? What if... what if anyone else was catching on to what had happened. He tried to advance closer to the school but his attempts to not confront his problem were cut off by Mark.
"A likely story!"
Much to Parrish's shock as dismay, two more students came approaching him. One of them was Valerie, and the other was Robo.
"Hi MARK! HI MR. PARRISH! CAN VAL AND I ASK YOU A QUESTION?" he asked, for some unknown reason always speaking loudly.
Robo poked Val in the kidney.
"Gaaaaccckk! My bad kidney! How coukld you do such a horable th-"
"Bkkkkeeeeeeedddddzzzzttthhhhhhh!"
To Parish's irrational glee, Val had bought him some time.
"Look Val, I can talk to you in class since I have all of you first period anyway..."
"But Mr. Parrish! Mika, Scott and Cur-" however, Mark was unable to finish his sentence as Parrish ran down the hallway, trying to avoid the curious children. Unfortunately for him, he found himself colliding into two teachers deep in conversation.
"Gwyah! Oh Steve, don't let the children chase you. Show them who is in control!" Mrs. Schneider said as she bent over to pick up her coffee mug. Luckily nothing has spilled out due to centurial force and whatnot. Mrs. Chapman snickered but was able to contain her laughter. "Yeah Steve, take control!" Both teachers broke out in laughter but Parrish tried to brush it off as he continued to run down the hall to his classroom.
He sighed. Chapman and Schneider were two of the youngest teachers in the school and sometimes acted so juvenile. Perhaps his classroom would provide him some solace. However, that wasn't so, as it appeared that a certain math and social teacher were also inside his room, along with a mixture of students from various classes.
"What the hell? ANOTHER mixed day? How much time off are the kids going to get?"
Mr. Patterson smirked and brought himself closer to Parrish.
"While the kiddies are at play, the teachers can be away..."
Mr. Parrish stood completely still. Even after yesterday he still wanted more? Mrs.Slen brought herself into the conversation as well.
"Yes, but we all know that free time for a teacher just means more photo copying!!"
Parrish twitched. However, Mrs. Slen's attention was distracted for a moment by the students drawing on the whiteboard.
"NEIL! CONNOR! MIKE! STOP WRITING THAT ABOUT DENISE AND... WHAT?" she yelled. It still surprised Parrish how much such a normally kind woman could yell. Then, she turned back to Parrish and Patterson.
"Mind if I have a word with you two?" She asked.
"Um yeah..." Parrish was preying inside that it didn't have to do with yesterday's events.
"Well yesterday I came back to school around 7:30 to make some photocopies and well, the machine was totally jammed up! There was no more ink left, the flexi glass was dented and the paper was wet."
"And?" interrupted Patterson.
"And since you two seemed to be the only people left in the building when I if you knew who or what was responsible for the damage."
"Um... Well... You see..." Began Parrish.
"There was a lot..." Continued Patterson
"Of Business to take care of." finished Mrs. Slen. "I knew you'd say that. But Patticakes... you know, I know what you don't know... Well, I'd better be off to look after the younger kids!" she said, leaving both men alone.
Both Patterson and Parrish were left facing a class full of maniacal children who had most likely over heard the entire conversation. So Parrish tried to change the pace a bit by "casually" pacing around the room seeing what the children were up to.
On one end of the room Mark, Mike, Curtis and Scott (and assorted other boys) appeared to all be playing spoons. A group of giggling girls was watching them and... giggling. One girl appeared to have been dragged away from the group by Robo.
"Come on MIKA LET'S TALK!" yelled Robo.
"But... I want to stay with my friends!" Mika replied.
"Mika, Mika, Mika!" chanted Robo as he was bouncing up and down with excess glee.
"Look," said Mika as she took his palm off her shoulder," if you're going to bother someone. Go bother someone like Val, she look's like she could use some cheering up!"
"But VAL is always happy! It's not Val-rated for her not to be!" replied Robo.
Just as Parrish was about to intervene, it appeared that Patterson beat him to it, hitting Robo, allowing Mika to go back to her group of giggling girls. Turning his attention from one side of the room, Parrish walked over to Val, the girl who had made astonishing revelations the day before and was rather... odd.
"Anything wrong Valerie? Do you still think I... love someone?" He asked the girl who was just sitting there.
Val perked up from her drawings and made a popping sound with her mouth.
"What are you drawing Valerie?" Parrish wanted to make a positive connection with the girl. She knew stuff. But Val plopped her body over her art and moaned, "I don't want anybody to see it! Especially not you!"
"Ho, ho Valerie, it can’t be that bad! Let me have a look!" Val sat upwards and let Parrish have a look at the girl's
creation.
It was an anime picture. Of course... all those kids were into that these days; better than Frankenstein, but it couldn't hold its own against King. Upon closer observation, it appeared to be of Mike, the rather oblivious child.
“It sucks... doesn’t it?” asked Val. “MJ can draw way better, but she likes... LEVEL C!”
Parrish read the lyrics scattered across the page "Just another night, another dream, another vision of love with me, I'm here to set you free
I am your lover, your brother, hey sister let me cover your body with my love, as with my love in just another..." Parish stopped reading. This child was clearly disturbed. In attempt to keep Val from exposing his secret, he tried to get an explanation for the drawing.
“Valerie, do you like...” He began, before he had been cut off by two individuals, Jordan, and MJ, who had suggested the photocopier idea in the first place.
“Hello Gay Romance Writer!” smiled MJ.
Mr. Parrish shot his head into the smiling MJ's direction. Oh no, not this kid again.
"If you're implying me, I absolutely do not write gay roman-"
"Listen, I just wanted your attention... Nothing else, I just was wondering if you would sign something for me." And from her binder, MJ pulled out his latest book. "Yeah, Scott said it had lots of steamy man on man moments so it was just natural to. get your autograph, oh and you should bribe Val with candy because she knows things and she is dieing to spread it around!"
Parrish paused. “What? I don’t get-” Yet once again, he was cut off by yelling across the room.
“ROBO! WHAT’S YOUR PROBLEM? WHY CAN’T I STAY WITH MY FRIENDS?”
“BECAUSE MIKA! I NEED TO TALK TO YOU!” yelled Robo.
Parrish quickly signed MJ’s book with a flourish and ran over, unfortunately he never made it to the two children, because he fell on top of Patterson.
"Ah! I’m so... sorry!" Small dots began to appear on the floor and the source was Parrish's nose.
Intrigued by their position, Val once again did something very un-Valish. Looking up, she began an outburst.
"LOOK AT THAT POSITION! THEYRE GONNA SCREW EACHOTHER'S BRAINS OUT! I LOVE YAOI BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I LOVE MIKE! HE TURNS ME ON IN SO MANY WAYS!" and with that, Val ran out of the class flailing.
Everyone started twitching.
"That kid needs to have those outbursts checked out" remarked Curtis as he brushed his hands through Scott's hair in his lap.
“Curtis baby?” asked the flamboyant, but straight Quinn, “why are you stroking Scott?” Mark eyed both of them cautiously.
“VAL! I’m COMING!” yelled Mike, who for once in his life, wasn’t being oblivious.
“SO AM I!” yelled MJ, as she ran after her. Mika stayed in place with Robo, both of whom were even more shocked then they were the previous day.
Parrish and Patterson gathered themselves up, and soon they too were on the rampage out of the classroom.
"You only stroke the one's you love!" said Curtis as he momentarily let himself off guard.
"AAURG! Mark?! What are you doing to me?" Mark began working his fingers into Quinn's hair. "Two can play at this game Curtis! I want you... err..." Mark paused. "I WANT YOU TO WANT ME!"
“What the HELL?! BUT...” stuttered one of their friends, Connor who was too shocked to talk.
“...ERIC BONES MEN!” said Curtis, trying to build up his guard again.
“NO! ERIC LOVES ME!” cried a girl named Susan.
“CHILDHOOD FRIENDS!” yelled Mark.
“WHY?” yelled Scott.
“YES! MY FRIENDS ARE GAY! I’M LIKE GRACE!” yelled two girls in unison.
It was pure insanity.
MJ popped back into the room.
"I LOVE THAT SHOW!"
"SHUT UP!"
Now was not the time for MJ's fangirling about homosexuals. There was enough tension in the room already. Mark dug his fingers deeper into Quinn’s scalp, who up until that moment seemed to be enjoying it.
"So Curtis, who are you going to pick? Me, or Scott?" nobody had seen Mark THIS in rage before. Mark had never been angry in his fifteen years on this planet.
Curtis paused a moment, before crying out “ERIC BONES MEN!” Scott sighed.
“That threesome should have never been Mark. I’m sorry.”
Mean while, Patterson and Parrish stood isolated in the Library blankly looking at the Photocopier.
"Well..." said Patterson who for once wasn't filling ears with his extremist points of view.
"Rick... I’ve been meaning to ask you something..."
“Was there anything going on between you and Gail?” asked Parrish.
“Why do you want to know? Does it really matter all that much?”
“Actually it does. I mean, this is one thing, but she’s entirely different. What about your wife? What would she think? What about your kids? What about her family?” asked Parrish.
“That’s a left-wing view Steve, a left-wing view.”
“I want to know! Do you love her? Did you EVER love her? And most of all I... I..."
Patterson leaned up against the photo copier in the most intimidating pose possible.
"What happened last afternoon? Did you mean that or was that just a pity fuck?"
"Steve, how did I make you feel?"
Parrish looked up from his shoes with a rejected look plastered across his face. "Out of..." he sighed, "Out of this world."
"Then. If I didn't love you I wouldn't have done it. Just like Gail. She loved me but the feeling wasn't mutual so we never went anywhere."
“Really? Are you sure? Not even at the staff…” began Parrish.
“Steve, at the staff party nothing happened. We just sat in a circle and talked. No one did anything,” the other man interrupted.
“That’s not true… We all did lots…” said a voice.
“Who’s there?” asked both men turning around.
It was Mr. Sveen! He stood there with his arms crossed taping his foot in an almost animated way.
"We did plenty! You should know Rick!"
Parish turned to his "lover" and got red in the face. "You... YOU LIED TO ME RICK!" Everyone in the library could hear the conversation at that volume.
“Keep it down! I’m trying to look at my Playboy in peace!” complained one teacher.
“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING! YOU WISH WE DID SOMETHING SVEEN! MEN WHO USE VIAGRA JUST DON’T TURN ME ON!” And with that comment, the entire library, which included Mrs. Slen, Ms. Schneider and Mrs. Chapman all stared at him… shocked.
Even some the people in Parrish’s classroom stepped outside to take a look.
Mr. Sveen's face dropped, so he decided to go with his last instinct. All of a sudden the crinkles of an oncoming announcement filled the school and then a familiar track was played:
"Good morning! Good morning!" Mr. Sveen hoped out of the library at top speed, all eyes on the seemingly delusional man.
“That was… odd…” sighed Parrish.
“I agree!” replied Patterson.
Unfortunately for Patterson, many people herd his outburst and began to swarm him, asking various questions.
“Do any men turn you on?” asked Mrs. Slen.
“Does this mean no dirty dancing?” asked Mrs. Chapman.
“Do I look fat?” asked Ms. Schneider.
"No! No! And NO Jenny! You are beautiful for who you are! Go knit yourself a sweater!" he commented.
"This has nothing to do with him!" Perrish protested. "This is all that horrible Mr.Sveen's fault, this has everything to do with-" He was interrupted by the screaming coming from the other class. It sounded like Mark's voice.
"I LOVE..."
“Mika!” He finished.
“ALL RIGHT ALLRIGHT ALLRIGHTALLRGIHT!” came the squeals of Robo whose dream seemed to come true. Through the door they could see Mika still being clung to by him, with a very surprised look on her face.
“What?” she mouthed.
"Mark... Mark loves me?" It was clear that Mika was shocked. She didn't know what to say until Mark approached her.
"Mika... I... I..." He bent down on one knee and bulled a purple velvet box from his pocket. "Will... You marry me?"
"Yes..." Mika bent over and reached into the box only to find that on the ring the words said: JENNY + DRAKE 4EVA.
“What the shit?” she asked.
“I jacked it off Drake, it was just so sudden. Besides, it looks like Scott and Curtis are going to be together?” smiled Mark.
“But… Don’t they hate each other?” she asked, perhaps the only logical thing in this whole mess.
“Well… I was gay and now I’m bi, so… anything can happen!” He laughed.
“I guess” she said before they started making out.
Robo wet himself.
It was a good thing that Val wasn't around to witness the incident. She was crouched over in a corner by the water fountain sobbing.
"Oh look what I have done! Now everybody knows! It was just a teeny weenie crush but I blew it all out of proportion! I’ll never be able to clean up this mess-" Val looked up to see a pink bunny puppet on a boy's hand.
"Don't be so sad Valerie! Mik- er, Tam Tam the bunny is here to make all your troubles go away!”
Val looked up.
“But Tam Tam, I promised myself that I’d never fall in love and I’d die alone well not alone because I’d have my bunnies and… now I like Mike! It’s not fair, and besides! He probably hates me because… He does! And we hang out with different people!” she began sobbing.
Tam Tam began sucking on Val's fingers.
"That shouldn't matter!" The voice continued, "If pages and pages of dirty hard core man smut has taught me anything, it's that you can't help who you fall in love with!" Val looked up to see who was holding the puppet who's voice went back to normal "And I for one am in love with a sweet girl named Valerie! And nothing will ever change that!"
“Mike? You like ya er… man smut too? You won’t treat me like I’m a naďve little girl who knows nothing will you?” she asked.
“Nope!” said Mike, giving her the thumbs up, before hugging her as tight as possible.
“Just don’t tell Tina,” he whispered into her ear.
Tension had settled in the library. They were now at the "Sit down and talk about" phase.
"You see," said Mr. Patterson, "Mr. Sveen was giving a presentation at the last staff meeting which was only for humanities teachers and it was all about the many uses of Viagra. He even had a power point presentation that made the little 'voiiiipppp' sound, but anyway, everything went wrong when he lost the samples he was going to give us so now he is bent up in eternal rage! HE SEEKS REVENGE!" Patterson was now standing on the table.
Everyone stared at him in shock.
“So Rick? What you suggest we do? Terrify him with Mouland?” asked Mrs. Chapman.
“Rip out his guts?” asked Mr. Parrish.
“Bore him to death with pointless Math?” asked Mrs. Slen.
“Gregory?” asked Ms. Schneider.
Patterson could scarcely believe his ears at the horrible suggestions that were being passed to him.
"For some reason, I highly doubt that any of your ideas could work on Sveen. He loves everything, thanks to that Viagra of his..."
"Why don't we take the Viagra then Patticakes?" asked Mrs. Chapman.
"Ah yes!" replied Patterson who was only slightly brushed by his cutesy nick name, "if we can take away the source of his evil, then maybe he will return to normal or even leave the school all together!"
"Isn't that a bit brash though?" asked Mrs. Slen "and how would we do that anyway? He loves his Viagra more than anything in the world!"
Patterson smirked.
“Gail, dear Gail, have you not forgotten what Sveen has done to your family? And do you not know that there is still something that he loves more than Viagra?”
“What is that?” all the teachers asked.
“Gay men,” he said before bursting into a maniacal laugh.
"Exactly," MJ approached them with a suitcase in hand. "And that is exactly why you will be requiring my services."
"But..." Started Parrish. "You aren't gay, nor are you a man. What do you have in mind?" MJ unbuckled the suitcase to reveal a secret stash of clothing.
"You! Patterson!" She exclaimed "I have a black cocktail dress and fishnet stockings that are just your size and I know for a fact that Mr. Gregory has a pair of size 12 stiletto heals in the back of his class!"
Ms. Schneider gave MJ a shocked look.
“But… this makes no sense… Patticakes isn’t gay. He has a wife and kids, you know? And the only reason Gregory has those stilettos is for his foot cancer. God MJ, you really need to stop being such a pervert.”
"Let me continue JENIFER!' MJ seemed inpatient with the staff "I know you might not be gay Patterson, but all we need to do is trigger the evil Sveen's gayness. Just make a date with him, eat supper, and then steal all his Viagra and his subscription to Viagra Munchers Monthly and then zap him with a magic memory erasing, err wait. I left that at home, but you get the idea! Just take away all the pills damn it!"
Parrish couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He certainly didn’t want Patterson to brave Sveen, after all there were better people. So he did something that he occasionally did, he spoke up.
“First of all, why are we listening to the instructions of a fourteen year old girl? And secondly, I don’t want Rick to be the one undercover because… I LOVE HIM!”
Everyone at the table gasped except for MJ who ruined the moment by drooling on the table.
"I do, I love Rick! Sure, I love my wife and kids and my dog, but I love Rick too! He is special to me and I don't want to lose him... EVER!" Patterson was shocked at what had just come out of the usually laid back teacher but was relieved at the same time that he was saved from wearing MJ's sleazy outfit.
“Maybe we should…” began Mrs. Slen.
“…get going so that…” continued Mrs. Chapman.
“…you two can be alone!” finished Ms. Schneider.
“But… what about the GAYNESS that is-” began MJ, who was cut off however, as the three women attempted to drag her out of the library by the hair (though the three of them remained close enough to hear the conversation).
“So… um… here we are again…” murmured Parrish.
"Im sorry for telling them that, I know you must really be embarassed because well..." Parrish was cut off.
"No. That was really brave of you and now, I really don't care who knows because I really do love you too and that wasn't a one time thing..." Parrish then cut off Patterson.
"But what about our wives? If the staff doesn't tell, it will be that horrible MJ! I just know it!"
"We can duct tape her to a wall if it would make you feel better."
“You know, I almost think that would. And about our wives, I’m sure that we can trust the staff.”
(“Damn straight!” muttered the women from their hiding place.)
“But first…” Parrish said grabbing Patterson’s shirt collar.
"I think you need to profess your love to me just one more time..."
And then they had sex. On the photocopier. Again!
THE END (or is it?)
