THE THING ABOUT ME
As odd as it may seem to some, I do believe, or rather I am a homosexual. Surprise, surprise! Didn't see that coming did you. There, finally I've said it (or as people in the community like to say “come out of the closet”). Now before you judge me or say anything let me indulge you in a little known fact. I've been a homosexual or precisely a bisexual (I'm 70% Homo. I still like women… sometimes) since the age of 15! However, it wasn't until recently (that being the past two to three years) that I've actually come to terms with it. Was I afraid to admit it? Am I just confused? Well, for the former, yes. And as for the latter? Yes! So as you can see, most of you who's known me ever since I was younger should not be shocked at this sudden exclamation. Didn't you see it coming? It was written all over my face. Alas, we sometimes tend to fear what we don't know or even worse, don't want to know. I am who you've always known me to be. I've never changed.
The only reason I'm writing this is because I think its high time I come to terms with myself and love myself for who I am. For what I am. What would others think? How would others react? Would they accept me for who I am inside? These were some of the questions that arose before I decided to write this (and I'm sure it goes through the minds of all struggling youths that have to go through homosexuality). I've grown tired of having to hide myself, my feelings simply because I have to give in to the perception of others and that of society, not to mention the general taboo that we have towards homosexuals in this country. Only those whom I truly trust I reveal this side of me. But doesn't that mean I'm not completely out of the closet? Technically no, but I consider myself out when the people I care about the most, my friends know and understand and can accept me for what I am. It is a hard pill to swallow but only then will I know who my true friends are.
To be completely honest, this isn't the first time I've told anybody about me . There have been the occasional ‘privileged' few whom I've told before, but although they may be the first few who knew based upon my level of trust for them, not all could readily accept what I had to say. It hurts to see the ones you care about the most turn in disgust and hate you for what you are and even more when they pretend to understand and accept. I'm not asking for anybody's acceptance here but as I said, it's amazing what you learn when you tell the truth. Hate me? What can I do? I can only hope that as time goes by I can once again be accepted and not unjustly prejudged upon. After all, I am still the same person.
Some might ask me, why a homosexual? There is no one single reason (and I don't believe there ever is) in the makings of a person. Social and emotional events are what I think contribute to my current state. I guess I've just been frustrated with the dealings of previous love affairs with women in my life. Now although that may not seem a good enough reason (because all guys go through that), I still think it was the most integral factor of all. Other than that, my personal belief that love has no boundary is also a major factor. I know it sounds crappy, but hey, I really do believe in that. And I strongly believe that's what God summarized message to man is. Love is the greatest gift He's given to us. What is there to govern what is right and wrong when one is truly in love?
I know it's a rather touchy subject and I wouldn't be surprised if most of you frowned at my comments. In fact, I think the major reason people can't accept homosexuality is due to religious say in that issue. Who am I to argue with the word of God? Nobody. But I do believe that if your heart is pure and true, and that love is ultimately the answer to all of mans ills and plagues, then I am in the right path. Religion was the most difficult factor, which often halted me or made me decide not to tell others and hide behind a wall. Being a Muslim and living in Malaysia , being a homosexual is not an easy thing. Religious views burdened upon homosexuals labeling them as evil and outcasts of society greatly hurt and poison the hearts and souls of homosexuals which sometimes may even result in extreme acts of depression (i.e. suicides) due to emotional instability.
I recently read somewhere that the results of a study done about teen suicides shows that the majority of suicides involved homosexual teens that among other things have had problems with acceptance by society, their peers and/or family. Hard to believe, but let me reveal the scary truth to that fact. It is true! And unfortunately, I had to experience it firsthand. After reading this, some of you might even think I belong in a mental asylum or require serious medical attention, but many a times have I played or experimented with the idea of suicide. Even more frightening is that I have come as close to having actually go through with the idea a few times before! What provokes a person to take his life away you might ask. My heart has been broken many times until I have lost count. Truer now that I am a homosexual and have to deal with hatred and prejudice each day from society and even worse, from the people I love and care about the most. It probably isn't worth taking your life away, but in moments of total depression, it seems like the only option out and the cure to your pains. I guess I'm lucky in a way that I'm a coward because I've never really had the guts to slash my wrists or inhale exhaust fumes, but that's the reality that's faced by thousands of youths around the world each day. And all because of what? Society couldn't accept them.
This brings me back to the reason why I'm writing this. The need to let it all out has become greater now that I realize the only way I can have a clear conscience and hopefully make things better is by telling people, and trying to make them understand instead of locking it up inside and waiting for it to blow in my face, which could lead to a dangerous situation. I strongly urge that should any of you or if you know anyone who is a homosexual or is still confused, to let somebody know. If you have nobody to turn to, I will always be here. There is no need to be shy. It's ok. I've been through it too. But please let somebody know before it's too late! After all, what are friends for. Yes, we all dream of one day finding the perfect women and settling down and starting a family. So do I! But for now this is what I am, and I have to accept the challenges I have to face in life. Just by writing this in itself has put a load off my chest. I might never actually reveal this to anyone and end up deleting it right after this, but nonetheless this is my attempt to set things straight. To introduce the REAL me to you. My friend.
Mazhar
(8th January 2003)