Blog

10/25/03

Hmm, well. I just got back from the library. I talked to Mary and Akop. Akop told me that Micah thinks I dumped him. I still love him though, and miss him a lot. Anyone that reads this will know. *sigh* I miss him. Oh, something else... Maddy said that Scott liked me the other day in gen music, he was right there, talking to me when she said it. Eh, I neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeed Micah. I was told I was gothic on thursday. Oh, and I was also told that everyone thinks I'm a stoner. AWESOME DUDE! lol, okay. I almost cried though, when we where driving away from the libary. I saw Sixteen Candles. And... I don't think I mentioned the fact that I saw Matrix Reloaded in Jumper's Theater this past weekend. :/ Tomorrow's my birthday. Another day, one more helping me go insane. I'm on Zoloft now. Akop wished me a happy birthday, that was nice. I heard new Offspring on the radio, that was cool. God, I feel really depressed. I saw Girl, Interuped the other night though. How come Winnonna always has some sort of relationship with as spycopath? I mean, in Heathers, it was her boyfriend, JP.. I think was his name. And in Girl, Interupeted, it was her friend, Lilly. I think I might need to go to an insane instuition. Something else about Winnona Ryder's roles, someone always seems to hang themeselves. She fake hung herself in Heathers and then in G I, Dolly (I think was her name) hung herself. I've thought I was worthless too many times today. And as I typed that, Jennifer Lost The War comes on. "Jennifer lost the war today. They'll find her burned and raped. Through it all she must have what have wondered 'What have I done?' But no one really cares today, the world's a busy place. Guess she must have really sinned" How up-lifting this is. "Morality won't help her, she lies silent in a morgue. All our sorrows don't count at all. But will the morining headlines even say that it's a shame? What are we headin' for? Jennifer lost the war." :/ Do people care about me?

10/16/03

Hmm, I just finished watching Heathers. So many emotions, wow. I wonder if I'm in a relationship like that, or if... Nevermind. That movie freaks me out though... The way it came to Veronica having to fake hang herself to get he ex to stop stalking her. She ends up shooting him and she walks out of the school, he walks out, bleeding. He blows himself up infront of her. (Green Day- Armatage Shanks) Mom said I remind her of Veronica, how nice. I'm numb. Uh, dad's at an AA meating. That's good, I guess. It's hot and stuff. (Garbage- Stupid Girl) God, I'm so fucked up, and no, I'm not high or anything...I don't do drugs. Update on stolen table: Well, we got it back, but no one was siting there so, no one got pissed. Actually, the people at the old table I think where glad we weren't there anymore. That movie kinda scares me. I go to the eye doctors tomorrow, I don't want glasses, might need them. That movie, man. Dad's home. Yeah, well... Fuck, I keep thinking about that movie... (Offspring- She's Got Issues) That whole movie kinda scares me, the alienation thing... :/ I'm just insane, I wonder if I'll come to the point of sucide to end things. I feel like a complete idiot, I'm still trying to understand myself. I just wonder... Nevermind. Some things can NEVER escape my mind, or, if they did, I would. (A Perfect Circle- Weak And Powerless) I guess I'm just depressed. Brian Byrd said I had cool hair yesterday. Some girl in PE said I have cool eyes. O.o I am not cool. Oh, the one that said I have cool eyes also told me how pale I was. I'm an odd child, also... I found my mom's reciept from her birthday shoping for me. Yeah, I'm just gonna go sleep or cry 'cause I miss Micah, or space out. Maybe all of the above.

10/9/03

Heh. Wonderfull day's I've been having. D in History. lol, found out Joe Strummer was a girl. I did actually kinda have fun in school. O.o Yeah. Melissa, Becca and I wanted to 'abduct' a table, but the teacher stole it from us. General Music yesterday was fun. We where soposed to face the chalk board and there's a wall where the overhead was. Scott faced the wall, wich is exact oppisite of the chalk board. Heh, I played Bad Religion and did my report. Someone else did one on Green Day's song Basket Case. That made my day. A wigger joined in Scott, Emma and I singing along. My brother's birthday suckerd. (lol, I didn't mean to do that) I'm happy but I still think I need Prozac. Or atleast Micah. lol, I got the PM5K cd, "Tonight The Stars Revolt!" mom hates them already, she's 'too old for that' heh. Oh well, over and out. Blah.

10/4/03

Well, I had a weird dream last night. Micah was there, he was standing behind me, I reached over to hug him, but... I hugged the back of the chair. I think more happened but that's all I can rember. I know it was in my basement, but it was weird. I felt like an idiot for hugging the back of the chair I was sitting in. I felt like he was laughing at me for being so stupid. I'm obsessed with this. Oh, something else, I was walking to the school bus stop and I saw someone walking down the street, they seemed tall, they where wearing a grey jacket up to their neck and the hood was up. They seemed to smile at me, as though they knew me. I didn't feel scared, at all. But I have no idea who they where. The way they smiled, made me think of Micah. For some reason, it comforted me, contrary to what you'd think. I'm still a bit confused with myself. Oh, I had three previous dreams about Micah. Here's the first: Okay, we where siting on a bench that was near a pond/lake. Micah had his arm around my shoulder. An airplane came down from the sky, flaming, and went into the water. We sat there, almost as if it was the entertainment for the evening, I think he comented on how beatuifull it was. The plane coming down was kinda like a sunset. Second dream: He was Marilyn Manson (yeah, lol, I know) and we where on the ege of water, he was talking about how he wanted to kill everyone. I asked him something like 'are you going to kill me?' and he said no. There where other people there too, I think Mary was, Akop I think was, and Katie, I dun know though. Third Dream: now, this was my first dream about him. I was over at what seemed his house, he had two friends over there, one had kinda long, straight, bright blode hair. I don't rember what the other one looked like. Micah's mom was real nice to me. I rember being nervous to how Micah would react to how I looked. But, he came in, and we cuddled and stuff. So, yeah, I have some weird dreams. Muha, I just got back from the pet store, we got two twin brother/sister cats. My brother got the girl, I came up with the name Venus for her. I had a few ideas for mine; The Artist Formaly Known As Prince, Sid Vicious, Dexter, Noodles, Billie Joe Strumer, Twinkie, and mom said no to all the names. But I finaly chose Joe Strummer. I like my finial desesion.

"Starin' out of my window, watchin' cars go rollin' by. My friends are gone. I've got nothing to do, so I sit here patiently, watchin' the clock tick so slowly. Gotta get away, or my brains will explode. Give me something to do to kill some time, take me to that place that I call home. Take away the strains of being lonely. Take me to the tracks at Cristie Road"- Green Day, Cristie Road, 1039 Smoothed Out Slappy Hour

s10/3/03

Last night, dad was drunk. Really drunk. Mom went outside to smoke, she said he yelled at her and called her an "asshole" among others. She ended up calling the cops at like, 1:00 AM. I've been up all night, and I'm tired. It's just not fair that I don't have anyone to comfort me through all this...

10/2/03

Well, wonderfull day so far. Parents fighting at the top of their lungs, school going to hell, brother being an ass, no Micah to keep me from going insane. Eh, Amy said she talked to Micah last night, she told me about how he typed like he was smart and stuff. She said he asked about my hair color, I thought that that was weird. She said he also told her to tell me that everyone will miss me, I don't think she knew who he meant by 'everyone'. But I sure know, Akop, Mary, Mel, himself...ect. Gen Music was fine, Scott kept calling my name and stuff. We laughed a lot. And no, I'm NOT crushing on him, I still love Micah. Brian (Swendel) wanted to take my Offspring CD in English. Brian (Byrd) sat next to Krissy and I in English. Uh, I don't think I mentioned what Nick said th other day, 'Green Day will be presedent, kick Good Charlotte out of the country' I gave him a highfive, I felt pretty dumb about that. And now that I think about it, it almost seems like he's trying to impress me, which, I know he's not. Seeing he's got a girlfriend (Sarah) who's a lot 'better-looking' then I am. Something that still bugs me, eariler in the year, I was siting next to him, I heard Sarah's friend (Sarah was siting next to her) say " Nick, I bet you'd rather kiss Jen then kiss Sarah," I don't get some people. I just wish I had someone to keep me from going insane...

9/28/03

Today? Well, I just cut myself, my left thumb, above the knuckle... Right below the nail, like one CM long. And no, I did not do it on purpuse. But man, it hurts. I like to watch it bleed. What else happened today... Mom and I went out to look for a gituar for me. And, we went to a hardware store, some guy touched my back... Ehh. Oh, we also went to the grocrey store. An African-American girl said she liked my hair. I went to get a magizine, this kid kept staring at me. I swear, in my head I was like; "Stop looking at me!" Oh, and I got some candles (green apple, lemon grass, and multi; lavander, lemon and, lime), insense (sticks and pyrmaids), two insense burners and a candle holder. Mom told me about how bad huffing is, I guess she thinks I do drugs. And no, I don't. Finger hurts like hell. Nothing else left to write.

9/25/02

Eh, I am proud of myself for making this new lawout. But pissed that I won't be able to go online again for four fucking months. No Micah. :'( No AIM. No uploading this web page. Worst of all, no Micah. I have a dentist's apointment on Monday, but I might ask my mom is she'll take me in late, 'cause It's Chris's last day before she moves. :( My whole world is falling apart. Dad's gonna move out. Or, so he's told us. I hope Micah hasn't gotten himself a new girlfriend. I don't know.. He is so nice and sweet and funny and stuff that he's bound to have some girl just waiting for him to dump me. Oh well.... I really can't do squat without internet. Uh. I got two CDs today, Bad Religon- Generator, and Offspring- Ixnay On The Hombre, yeah... I had the Offspring one before, but I kinda lost it. I went out shoping with dad, we went to Blockbuster (I got 'Monty Python's Flying Circus- And Now For Something Completly Different) then we stoped at Radioshack. Later, I was draged to Kohls with mom, to help her pick out pants for my brother. Then, we went to Record And Tape Traders, where, I got the CDs. After that... We went to 7-11. There was this hot guy. He was a skater and his hair was all shaggy in his face. Ah, *slaps self* I fell preppy now. I heard Green Day on the radio. Well, part of Welcome To Paradise anyway. Oh well, off to work on meh site...

9/25/03

Well, I'm home alone. Heh, no internet for a week 'cause I locked myself out of my own house. Mom and dad know about Micah now... They asked me like, 40 questions. But, yay, they said I can still talk to him. They're 'worried' about everyone else though. (Powerman 5000- Operate Annihlate). How I got off school you ask? Took a nap at 4, on the couch downstairs...They woke me up at 8, told me that I'm gonna get off school. I didn't even tell them I felt sick... 'Cause I really don't. I miss Micah and stuff. Oh, the thing about the internet being taken away forever, well, we're not sure yet. Oh, ugh, I think mom read one of the convos that I had with Micah. Shit. She said that maybe, when I get my internet back, someone has to be in the fucking room with me. READING MY FUCKING CONVERASTIONS. Ugh... I have no rights in this house. (Screaching Weasel- Cool Kids) Ehhh... In PE, this girl Megan, she asks to me "Are you soposed to be a freak?" and I just shrug. Then, she goes "Then why don't you dress cool, like Krissy does?" How am I soposed to respond to that? "Sorry, I'm not trendy" ? I just ignored it and stuff. (Hole- Miss World) It's only 10:06. I'm gonna go see if there's anything to eat... Back, got meh a PB&J. Heh, it's 12:47 now. I worked on my band shrine, about 3'x3' of band pictures, if you care, these are the bands: Sex Pistols, Jane's Addiction, KoRn, Nirvana, NOFX, The Unseen, Seether, Powerman 5000, Finch, Pennywise, Anti-Flag, SOAD, AFI, Audioslave, Linkin Park, Bad Religon, the Used, Green Day and the Clash... Like anyone cares. (Green Day- 2000 Light Years Away) I read some Harry Potter today, the new one, yeah, it's actually a good book. I bet I bore you guys to death. I messed with a knife, but I didn't cut myself. (Offspring- Denial, Revisited) Dude, I had a weird dream last night... I was in some car wreck, these black people took me to their house, I had no idea where my parents where. I rember that there where these biteing bugs that they like, hexed on me. I ran to the bathroom, that was small as hell, there was this tub, it was painted and curved up at one end, to be taller then I was... The tub was painted bright colors, seemed like it was forgin or something. I rember *something* that had to do with the drain. I think I might have went down the drain and drowned. Could anyone tell me what that might mean? (Offspring- Tehran) School was cool yesterday, I guess. Someone played GC in gen. music. lmao, and, someone else played Vinalla Ice.. Scott, Chris, and I all craked up when he went "Word to your mother." This girl, Emma, she seems kinda cool. Scott kept looking at me all peroid, that was kinda weird, and no, I know he doesn't like me or anything, nor do I like him. (Powerman 5000- The Meaning Of Life) I'm working on something in Adobe, it kinda sucks though. I feel like I'm walking on air. I guess. Melissa periced her finger, she gave herself a hicky, stabed it and stuck her eyebrow ring through it. (No, she doesn't have her eyebrow peirced, *yet*) Man, I'm bored. I tried to plug in the cable motem and stuff, no luck. (AFI- The Boy Who Destroyed The World) I watched something on Fred Drust, man, I hate that guy. I say 'man' too much. Oh well. I gotta shit. Back. (Offspring- The Kids Aren't Right) Uh, I want my copy of IOTH back. Bleh.. I'm gonna go see if my dad has a copy. Nope, dammit. I do feel sick now. (Pinhead Gunpowder- Life Durring Wartime) Back, I was reading HP downstairs... It's 2:03 now. Today was boring as hell.. Oh well. Fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk... I'm SO pissed. I can't talk to Micah anymore. It's really not fair. I just hung up the phone on my mom when she called me. I hate her. I really FUCKING do. I might as well go kill myself..

9/19/03

Off school for the hurricane, bored as hell. I'm typing this up in dreamweaver because internet's down, ugh. I miss Micah so much. Nothing's really happened today, seeing it's only 12:17pm. I think I'm sick 'cause I keep sneezing and my nose is stuffed up. *sniffle* *cough* I'm watching the news... Heh. All they're doing is the stupid hurricane. (Pinhead Gunpowder- Big Yellow Taxi) Hmm, let's see what's on VH1 for the hell of it. Commertials, figures. I'm cold and stuff. (Dead Kennedys- MTV Get Off The Air) Uhh.. Stomach hurts. My brother woke me up by shoving a fucking pop tart in my face. I hate him. Power never went out for more then five minutes last night, that's cool. South Park thing is on VH1. (Good Riddance- Fire Engine Red) God, I'm so bored. Uh, mom says *someone* got 50 something dollars off her credit card at Hot Topic, and, of course, she blames me. I swear, dude, it wasn't. (Green Day- Castaway) I see why she blames me though. :/ We went shoping that day, I think.. But it was at a surf shop down in NC. Another reason it can't be me was the fact that I was with her all that day. And I had no computer, seeing no one would let me take it. (Osker- Lucky) I'm watching 'Driven- Benoce' or however the fuck you spell her name. I'm so bored. I wish the internet would load, I want to kill it now. (REM- It's The End Of The World As We Know It) I am craving to play Sims, but I can't find the CD. Dammit. It's 2:59pm now, I went downsairs and layed down and watched tv. Well, I just got screamed at. Some person in Veneswevual (however you spell it) got hold of her credit card number and ordered like, 500$ worth of shit off it. They got it because I wanted a Green Day hoodie, she ordered it for me off the phone. I see why everyone's pissed at me. But, my brother needs to shut up, he's pissed at me because he thinks he might not get birthday gifts, his birthday is 10/8. Ugh, I don't know how I feel, I really don't. I'm sweating to death and nervus about what's gonna happen when dad gets home. Mom's on the phone with him now. (Bush- Machinehead) Using blue dye spiking glue, I 'glued' a bottom of an Altoids container to the side of my TV. God damn, motherfucking, shit head, ass of an internet still wont load. Well... UGH, I'm crying now, the internet might be taken away forever. No one knows how much this means to me. No one. I want to kill people now, fucking serously. I want to stab them and laugh at their bleeding dieing bodys', that's how pissed I am. This might not be posted, mom and James might move out. I'm sobing so much, and shaking. I told mom that my friends online are the only people who don't judge me on how I look, only on my personailty, and all she fucking says to me is 'Well, get friends at school'. Well, what the fuck am I soposed to do the rest of the time? Sit in my room and fucking cut myself? I need something to esape to, I have nothing. TV only depresses me. Games are pointless. Music might work, but that's only me listening. I have no fucking outlet for anything. I'm jumping to conculsions though, mom said that I might win. Part of the reasion mom wants it off is because she's 'sick and tired of John (dad) and his porn' Ugh. *sniffle* She told him I've been online all day, wich was a fucking lie. I almost wish that I had ordered it, so I would only get grounded and not get the fucking net taken away. I hope I'll wake up tomorrow, be able to just say that today was a "bad day" and just forget about it. I say 'fucking' a lot when I'm pissed. Ugh.. I'm gonna go cry or lay down or something.. I am pathetic. Well, I'm back, it's 6:22 pm. Uh, mom like, hates me now. Even though none of this was my fault, at all.