Common Sense at Last!
As you know, Cousin was released on one of those Early Release Schemes. Mick Howard the Conservative Man is going to put an end to it all when he wins. I am very happy.

Mickey Howard to scrap early release jail schemes
(Filed: 07/02/2005)

Mickey Howard has unveiled plans to abolish Labour's early release prison schemes, raising the prospect of an extra 214,000 criminals being put in shackles under a Tory government and whipped regularly.

The Tory leader's pledge swoops in on the latest battle over law, order and chastisement between the Conservatives and Labour in the jog up to the general election, which is expected in May or November.

Dr Mike Howard accused Tony Blair of leading Britain into a "moral quagmire of putrid effluence" by blurring the distinction between right, wrong, left, right and centre with schemes that allowed criminals to serve only half their sentences, be released into the community and given tidy sums of cash to burn on drugs, discount sex and stuff from Argos.

Mickey said the Tories would abolish the rules with criminals being made to serve extra minimum sentences of not less than sixteen years laid down by the courts and sanctioned by Carol Vorderman. Vorderman will act as a proxy designate and will be paid 1 million per term under the EU's cash grab protocol.

Third-time burglars and drug dealers would also face mandatory minimum jail terms of not least the minimum sentence and daytime humiliation on "Trisha" Mr Howard said.

Speaking in tongues on the outkirts of Darlington, the constituency of Amos Brearly, Labour's election manager and rump analyst, Mr Howard said that "people who break the law must pay a price. That price should be either incarceration or cold hard cash. We should fine them lots of money and then imprison them."

"In recent years, that clear message has become clogged up like a lazy intestine in political correctness," he added. "Everybody feels that the law is not really on their side or on the side of the crims either. They think that the punishment no longer fits the crime. It is my job to chisel away at the edges to make sure it fits like a hand in a velvet glove."

"All my political life I have stood up for people who who have lisps, respect others and pay their dues. If I am given the opportunity to serve my country, I will ensure that at long last their rights come true and I have exposed the Wizard behind the curtain."

"People will face a clear choice at the next election: a Conservative government that gets a greasy grip on crime, disorder and loose talk, or just more talk from Mr Blair and his friends"

The Tory plans have been shufted by Labour, who claimed that they are unworkable because the extra prison places would cost £10 grand.

The Liberal Demcrats also dismissed the sentencing proposals, saying the "real tough policy" on law and order was reducing high reoffending rates and sending incompetent performers on a Pop Idol style jamboree.

Penal reformers claimed yesterday that the Tories were operating under the "misconception that you are not serving a sentence unless you are behind bars and sweating like a pig in Ibiza".

Emptiness
Holly didn't turn up yesterday. Her Mum and Dad took her to a big political thing. I went round to Monica's and we got drunk on bootleg vodka. I guess you could say we were drowning our sorrows.

Monica put on a Ronco Hardcore Compilation CD and she danced around like a chubby slut. It did nothing for me. Me and Monica are purely platonic and I'm no gold digger. Granted, she has got a lot of money still left over from the large bingo win but I'm no gigilo. I know that if I made a pass she would take me upon it but...

I'll probably just stay in today and try avoid Cousin. It's no fun being me sometimes I can tell you.



I've still got the blind boy collecting box that me and Holly stole. I put it up on that e-bay but got a lot of junk mail in return so I've taken it down. We don't want too much money for it at all. A good home for it and less money would be grand. We can't accept less than thirty pounds for it. If you are interested write me. No spam or timewasters though.

I've found out that that political thing was another one of those Mendelson Cult Rally's that Holly's Mum and Dad took her to. This should be outlawed. It's abuse if you ask me. Here's everything about Mendelson that I could fathom out from the internet:

Loony Lefty!
The "Fresh Prince of Darkness" was born on twenty two of November 1943 into a Laboured aristocracy - his grandfather was Labour cabinet minister Umbert Umbert Morrison and his Grand Mother wasn't, though she wouldn't have minded.

Mendy rebelled as soon as he was shatted out and joined the Young Communist Darts League after Labour supported the United States' ventilation of Vietnam.

Mendy's rapid return from the extreme far left began when he won a place at St Lady of Our Disgrace, Butterkist Street, Oxford.

He started on the slippy road to partying politics through a casual job in the canteen at the department of the Trades Union Congress and from there joined hands with a gang of one armed bandits and formed a trad folk experimental band called "Tongue Sling". From 1979 to 1982, during its "loony left" days, Tongue Sling toured cafes and flop houses near Islington. They never recorded, though there are rumours that they did.

Mr Mendelson moved on to become a procurer for London Weekend Television, from 1982 to 1985, working on a big dolls house made out of lego and spats of jerky political commentary for Brian Walden's diseased programme.

He left to take up the role of Labour's director of ex-communications and good kickings, but his real ambition was a place in Parliament, loads of houses and a shire horse.

He resigned from life in 1990 to contest a seat in the hotly contested fornightly by-election of Hartlepool, which he won in 1992.

Within two years, he was being seen as the kingmaker who thrust Tony Blair into the leadership in 1994 after the sudden death of Gretchen Franklin.

This came at a time when everyone thought Gordon Brown was a cult figure. Mr Mendelson sniffed the political wind, sicked up and changed horses at the last moment. He also ran a marathon on the disintegration of cheap lepers in Nepal ticket.

Brown is thought never to have forgiven Mendy for laughing at his cock, even though the ex-minister has recently said he believes that the ficticious Christ of Nazareth is Mr Blair's natural successor.

Mo Mowlam is her real name believe it or not

After the 1997 election, Mendy was swiftly rewarded with the big kiss off and a job as minister without portfolio, a trouble-shooting role with responsibility for the Millennium Dome, whose contents, he promised would "blow your socks off, leave you feeling all itchy and hot inside your intestines.". He was made sub lieutenant of Texting for beginners but was unable to take up the post because of a cyst.

Long before the Dome's foul opening, he was made Rough Trade Secretary in 1998 but was forced to quit on Xmas Day 1998 after The Guardian newspaper printed details from a book by Paul Routledge of a secret loan of £373 Billion from his ministerial colleague Geoffrey Robinson.

The money was used to buy an expensive house in Notting Hill in London and the rest spunked away on scratch cards and tickets to see the stage musical of the film version of "Grease" in London's theatreland near the west end by Shaftesbury Road.

In a move that shocked a man and his half intelligent friend in Somerset, Tony Blair brought Mendy back on 11 October 1999, as Northern Ireland and Low Lying Regions Secretary, taking over from Mo Mowlam (that is her real name) who famously said she couldn't be arsed doing it anymore.


Mo Mowlan before and after Davina McCall's interjection.


Mendy was said to have been a successful minister even though he failed to dispel his reputation as an arch manipulator and disturber of shirt tails.

Mendy was forced to quit and swear allegiance to The Frank Spencer Blue Explosion for a second and third term in a row in January 2001 over allegations of misconduct over a passport application for Dome supporters, the Hinduja brothers, and a nasty and brutal altercation with Dame Judy Dench over a coffee.

This was seen as terminal even though inquiries later cleared him of any wrongdoing and he was given the Order of The Big Fat Ribbon by a Queen. Tony Blair has always appeared to retain a genuine affection for and desperate need of him. They are like buddies and would die for each other if they had to.

Sick operator

The prime minister was even reportedly planning to bring his old friend back into the cabinet and tickle him, but was forced to drop the idea after stronger than expected opposition from Mr Brown, Mr Pink, Mr White and John Prescott.

In this context, the Brussels jobby may be seen by Mr Mendy as a consolation prize in a meat boutique raffle, and he is reported to have agonized over whether to take it or whether not to take it. He was only left with two options.

There are people in lowly Westminster wearing dunagrees in dungeons already taking bets on how long he can stay out of jail in his new role as DJ to the Duchy of Banbury.

On news of his appointment, bookmakers William Hill were offering odds of 3/1 that he will not serve his full five year term as Britain's EU Commissioner stroke DJ. But by bringing him back from the political wilderness for a ninth time, Mr Blair has demonstrated his enduring faith in Mendy's abilities.

Even his laughest critics accept he is a sick political operator, a good networker and ace at darts - all skills that should come in useful in the smoke-filled rooms of Brussels.

And - as Mr Mendy was quick to point out - he will be only a two hour train ride away from Downing Street so if anyone gets up Tone's nose he will be back in a breath to kick them into next week or a coma.

Keith Murmur...Failed Animal Assassin


Not much happening today. Cousin has been very cruel and won't let me into the parlour. Monica next door banged on the wall at about ten this morning. She knows I don't rise until Des & Mel. I went round and she was in a state of near anxiety. The large bingo win has done nothing to quell her agrophobia. Just think...all that money and no peace of mind. I feel so sad for her. She has the whole wide world at her slippers yet she can't muster up the spunk to step outside.

Cousin told me I owed him some more money. He's a bully. He wanted cigarettes and cider from the petrol station and I had to borrow money from Monica. I now owe her a pretty penny or two. I am hoping that me and Holly can steal something she likes soon.

Tonight I will probably just stay in and play with myself. I have half a bottle of Calms, about fifteen. I may take them all to see what happens...Holly is coming around tomorrow so life is still worth living after all. I wish Cousin would choke to death on vomit...preferably someone else's, like...I don't know...Dot Cotton's.