Lost in Paradise
To everyone back home, greetings. It's me Johnny, somewhere in the mountains of Colorado for the summer. Don't worry Ma, I'm looking after Jack for you. He's gotten fat since the last time you saw him.
March
I arrive in Colorado to cool weather and tons of snow on the passes. Gorgeous mountains all around me....I could grow to like this pretty well.
The first people my brother introduces me to are a couple who own a local bar. The place seems to be "the" spot and everyone there acts like there's nowhere else they'd rather be on earth. James seems very cool but there's no way I'd cross him. I'm betting he could send me to hell with a smile. Anna is awesome, a tiny little redhead with a killer grin and a great sense of humor. She's obviously a lot younger than James. I wonder what brought those two together.
There seems to be a rotating staff of bartenders, consisting mainly of two Irish brothers who look like their mama must be hiding something. Ian's tall and dark and menacing and Keiran is shorter and blonder and all-around less unnerving. In fact he seems really cool. Ian does too, but there's something about him that I instantly didn't trust. I dunno, maybe he looks too much like the head vampire from that John Carpenter movie. Valek. He acts like he's always trying to make Anna laugh, but she just ignores him. Must be something there that might be interesting to watch. The other guy is a loudmouth named Chuck whom Anna seems to reserve a special hatred for. Can't say I'm real fond of him myself after only one meeting.
Monday
I find out Anna is Jack's star player, but she refuses to play. Looks like part of my job for the summer will be to talk her into changing her mind, though it doesn't look like that will be an easy task. Jack says she's "difficult". I can see that. I watch the videotapes of the last two seasons and can see instantly why he wants her back. Little thing is fast. The first season tapes show her taking a lot of hits and nobody covering her, almost like she's playing alone. She still manages to score 42 goals and that's just the second half of the season. Wonder what her record would have been if she'd played the whole season.
Tuesday
Jack gets me on at the steel mill temporarily, till I find something else I'd rather do. He never told me he was foreman. He promotes me on day one and I'm moved from the backbreaker shit to a cushier position in the crating division. I could do this for a while. Leave it to big brother to look after me.
Wednesday
Lunch at the pub with James and Anna. I find out they're not married, just lifelong friends. Seems a little strange, but I can deal with that. She's cute. The vampire guy launches a bottle from behind the bar and James reaches up with one hand and picks it out of the air. I swear to god he wasn't even looking, his back was to the bar. He plonks it down and pops the cork and tells us to help ourselves, he's got duties to attend to. He leaves. The bottle is Dom Perignon. Anna pours everyone a glass and before she's done James is up on the stage strapping on a vintage Strat that's seen better days. Anna tells me that guitar is famous, but she doesn't elaborate. Then James starts to play and I can understand why this young girl would stick so close to him. Hell, if he played like that for me I'd stay with him forever too. He plays and she gets this whole different look on her face. If I've ever seen true unkillable love before, that's what I was looking at right then. It was a beauty thing to see.
Week 2
Training starts with our reluctant star out of the picture. Anna refuses to take any part in preseason prep. Jack begs, pleads, and finally threatens her. She's got his number; she ignores him completely. I've never seen anyone ignore as good as she does. You don't just get the feeling you're being ignored; you know it. We have first night warmups and she doesn't show. Jack is pissed but he says he expected as much.
Sunday
I break into Anna's house with keys provided by James and try to roust her out of bed. A grizzly coming out of hibernation early isn't as surly as that girl in the morning. She refuses to get up and orders me out of her house with words I don't expect from a sweet-looking petite little thing such as herself. I give a halfhearted attempt at force and my jaw is quickly introduced to the sole of her left foot. She's surprisingly tough for something so small. So much for the scheduled morning run. She finally sits up, glares at me, and informs me she doesn't run. I ask her why. She shoots daggers through my head with her eyes and says "I'm 35 years old, 5'1 and a 34D. Do the math yourself on your way out." There's nothing left for me to do but join Jack on the run with the news that Anna won't be joining us, probably ever.
Sunday night
Cookout at the neighbor's house. Apparently the husband is the local vetrinarian and his wife is a teacher for special needs kids. They have a brand new set of twins who are awesome. There are about 15 people there that I don't know, so I hang with Keiran and he gives me the 411 on everyone in his own inimitable manner. He seems to be a peoplereader. I'm amused by him. Braden cooks steaks on the grill while the women coo over the babies and the men talk about manly stuff. An hour or so into the party James throws a rock across the driveway at his house. Anna comes out a few minutes later and joins us. God she's cute. Nice tan, long legs, shorts and a halter top and sandals. Ian's in charge of drinks so he fixes her a margarita, winking at me as he adds the liquor. I figure he's going to overload it, but he doesn't. I find out an hour later that overloading Anna's drink isn't necessary. By the time she starts her second margarita she can hardly keep from falling off her chair and her speech is so slurred she actually stops mid-sentence and spells words out because she seems to know she isn't going to be able to say them. James walks her home shortly thereafter.
Week 3
Monday
After work Jack rounds up his key players and we hit the mountainbike trails. Anna actually joins us this time. So does this guy from the bar named Chuck, a lout whom no one seems to particuarly enjoy the company of. He zips out of one of the houses as we ride past and starts being his usual loutish self with the girls. I take it upon myself to kiss tires with him and he winds up in the river. I earn quite a few points with the girls.
Saturday
Big mountainbike trek on a killer trail in Glenwood Canyon. Jack goes hard on Anna, adjusting her bike till it's almost impossible to ride and then making her go 6 miles further than the rest. I go with her for the last leg and she bitches a lot about Jack. I get the feeling she'd shoot him if she had a sidearm. She doesn't seem to realize he's harder on her than the rest because he's got plans for her. Her endurance surprises me.
Sunday
I was gonna sleep in, but Jack drags my ass out of bed with an announcement that we're going to church. Sunday meetin' is always a good place to meet nice godfearing women, so I go even though I'm pretty much nondenominational. We sit in this back area with James and Anna. She starts crying halfway through the session when this little older guy with a cane takes the stage. Jack tells me the old guy looks like her dad, who died a few months ago. She hangs tough for a while then finally gets up to go in the ladies room. Jack whispers something to James and James digs through Anna's purse and pulls out her pictures. Jack shows me a picture of her dad. The guy on the stage does look just like him. Poor kid.
Sunday afternoon
We go out to lunch with James. Anna goes on home by herself. James tells me what happened to Anna's dad and brothers. God, I'd kill myself if that much tragedy fell on me that fast. When Pop died that was bad enough, but we all knew he had a bad heart. We got to say our goodbyes and were almost glad when he finally went. These guys kissed their wives and kids goodbye and left for work and didn't make it three miles down the road. Shit. It actually made me tear up and I didn't even know them.
Friday
James and Keiran were in a car wreck today. Jack leaves work to get Anna and takes her to the hospital. He's really freaked about how she's going to react. James has a gash on his face that probably should have been stitched, but he walked out of the emergency room and nobody was brave enough to go after him. Keiran was apparently trying to get his seatbelt on and wound up taking out the windshield with his skull. Should be interesting to see him with a concussion; he's pretty damn funny without head injuries. They were lucky. Jack tells me Anna is a good luck charm, despite what she thinks herself.
Week 4
Tuesday
I'm starting to really like this place. Actually that's not true, I liked it from the start. Hard not to. Sunshine in the valley, snow in the mountains, and a 20 minute drive between the two. The people are cool too. Jack has this awesome circle of friends and hardly ever spends a night sitting home. If he's sitting home, it's at Anna's home with the gang. Movies and good food are in ready supply over there; Anna's a hell of a fantastic cook. A couple of single guys could really get addicted to those kinds of perks. Actually thats an understatement---we already have. Jack stops at the store for steaks and we head over there for the evening and she cooks them for us. Keiran lives in the camper outside so he's always there too. People just seem to be attracted to this particular spot in the universe.
Thursday
Movies and drinks at Anna & James's house. Anna fixes us up with vanilla coke and Makers Mark. They only drink the good stuff in that house. I'm yakking away talking to her while she mixes the drinks, but she doesn't respond and I start to get my feelings hurt, thinking she's ignoring me for some reason. I catch Jack out of the corner of my eye shaking his head at me. I excuse myself and go back to the livingroom. Jack tells me Anna is mostly deaf and can't hear me unless she's looking at me. God I feel stupid. I've been gabbing away like a dork at this girl for nearly a month now without realizing her lack of response at times was due to something more than just a lack of response. Now I know why she always seems to be staring at people's mouths when they talk. I thought she just had a lip fetish or something. Chalk one up for the retard. I think I'm gonna be all cool after that and try some of the sign language cousin Terry taught us, but it seems to embarass her. Jack tells me later that she doesn't know sign language. Another dumb shit move on my part. I'm gonna quit making a jackass out of myself one of these days.
Week 5
Wednesday
I run into Anna in the store and she invites me over for dinner. I ask if James will be there and she just looks at me like I've grown a second head. Okay, dumb question. Dinner alone with Anna isn't a remote possibility in this lifetime. I wonder what kind of gauntlet a guy would have to run through to get a stab at her? With the almost constant presence of her bodyguards, even getting in line for the gauntlet seems pretty unlikely. She's got James on one side and my brother on the other. These guys are like frigging pit bulls if anyone gets near her. If I wanted to get in line for a shot at her, I'd be 9000 years old before my turn even came around. If those guys aren't standing nearby snarling at anyone who glances her way, she's got Keiran skulking around somewhere taking notes. I could take him, but he seems to be a direct line to James, who I don't want to mess with. What is the deal here? Why are these guys so fiercely protective of her? From what I've seen and experienced, she can more than take care of herself. She's damn cute though, it would almost be worth it to make a headlong dash and see what happens.
Friday
I actually manage to get some time alone to talk with Anna. She tells me about her dad and brothers and shows me album after album of pictures. I feel so sickeningly sad for her. She talks like her dad was her best friend in the world. I get brave and ask her why she's attached to James at the hip. She shrugs and seems to think about it for a while, then pulls out another album and flips to a picture of James and her dad standing next to a race car. They look like brothers. It kinda makes twisted sense in a way. I'm sure there's more to it than the resemblance, otherwise she'd have old Pete living with her too. I don't dare ask though. Something tells me I might not want to know too much about them.
She hurries past some pictures of her and Ian. I don't ask any questions but I see enough to realize they were together at some point.
May
Little Miss Dangerous and I are getting to be friends. My brother's in love with her so who better than me to protect her from him? Jack might be stronger but I can outrun him. Actually I think his problem is Caroline and the listening ear of a sympathetic female is an alluring thing at a time such as this. They've been talking a lot. She says she likes to talk to him because his voice is easy to hear. My voice unfortunately sucks and she has to stare at my mouth when I speak. Always makes me think I have something stuck in my teeth.
Friday
James calls me and asks me to go pick Anna up in Orchard Mesa and bring her to the pub. We're navigating down that clusterfuck they call 1st Avenue when some old guy in a white Camry decides to park across two lanes of traffic. He's not moving and obviously has no clue what he's doing, so I swing around him and start to cut in in front of him so we can be on our way. He immediately floorboards it and heads straight at us, beating the shit out of his horn like we're the ones about to crash into him. I maneuver out of his way and we're forced to get into the center lane, which is gonna take us a couple of miles out of our way before we'll be able to turn off and get going back in the direction we needed to go. The light changes before we can go anywhere, so we're left sitting there next to the brainiac that almost hit us.
Before I know what's happening Anna is out of the car. She stomps around to the other lane and kicks the shit out of the Camry's passenger door with the old man sitting there blaring his horn at her. She yells at him to shut the fuck up and kicks his door again for good measure. She leaves a dent the size of Kansas and stomps back to my car and gets in. Ho-ly shit. This girl is NOT to be messed with.
Saturday
Jack and I go dirtbiking on the Grand Mesa. We meet James and Anna already up there; Anna's tracking this weird storm that came up from behind Blue Mesa. She seems to think there's something really unusual about it, but I of course know very little about Colorado weather other than the fact that it snows in the mountains and shines in the valley. We're all talking when Ian and a couple others go blasting past us on the coolest bikes I've ever seen. I saddle up and chase them down and they take me to the greatest dirt trails a biker could hope for. I hang with them for a while and meet everybody. They're some sort of local biker gang, the High Plains Drifters. Someone asks me if I want to pledge into the group. I respectfully decline for now.
When I get back to where I left Jack James and Anna, I find James gone and Jack & Anna investigating some little purple flowers off the road by a creek. We're supposed to take Anna home when we leave, which is cool with us. We saddle up again and she rides behind Jack. They keep giggling till we stop at nearly the top to let Jack's bike acclimate. I ask what's so funny and Anna mumbles something about clitoral stimulation and goes off to stomp around in the snow. I notice Jack loosening the springs under his seat while she's out of sight. Ma, your oldest son is a reprobate.
Halfway back down the mountain the Drifters catch up to us and tell us something weird is going on up at the top. We keep hearing thunder, which Anna and Jack say is about as unlikely in Colorado as a tan in Wisconsin. Ian tells Anna to get on with him so he can get her off the mountain quicker, but she declines and stays with us. Jack tells her to get on with me because my bike is faster in case of emergency. She climbs on with me and instantly we hear this freakass rumbling that sounds like it's right on top of us. Ian refuses to leave Anna, but she tells him to go on, so he finally does. The ground starts vibrating and we take off down the mountain like our asses are on fire. I can feel Anna behind me turning around to look behind us. Over the wind and the motorcycle engines I can hear her saying HOLY SHIT!!
Once we clear the top range we stop for a second to get a good look at what we just left. The road had been clear on our way up. Now it was covered in snow. I ask if we just outran a blizzard, and they both say no, what we just outran was an avalanche. But it appears I jinxed us more, because right about then a blizzard kicks up on the road in front of us, and we drive for nearly an hour through a total white-out before we finally reach where we left the truck
James is there waiting for us. He came back to get Anna once he heard there was storm activity hitting the Mesa, but the park rangers had the entrance to the ranges blocked off and wouldn't let anyone go beyond the recreation area. Anna climbs off my bike and leaps into his arms like a little kid and tells him all about the avalanche. I still haven't figured those two out.
Sunday
I agree to sign up for kickboxing at High Desert Martial Arts against my best judgement. The class is taught by Ian the vampire and he seems to be a personage of great respect among the martial arts community. After lesson #1 I can see why. If it's not a respect thing, it's definitely a fear thing. I watch him kick a guy's head into the wall and realize there are at least a dozen better things I can be doing with my Sunday.
Sunday night
Block party in Palisade thrown by some guy who delivers booze to the Blue Moon. I meet a lot of people and have a nice time. It's starting to be obvious that being friends with James and Anna has a lot of perks. I get invited everywhere even though I don't know any of the people throwing the parties.
I spend an hour or so chunking horseshoes with my brother, Chuck Norris, and Billy Bob Thornton. My mind is kinda of blown by that, but nobody seems to think it's anything out of the ordinary. Norris is a bit of a chauvanist. Before the game officially begins, Anna and I are tossing the horseshoes and she's hitting near ringers. Norris comes over and yells to her "Can you even get the ring to the pit?" Anna nods. Norris laughs sorta demeaningly and says "That's pretty far....for a girl." Anna stares at him for a second, then aims and throws. She hits not only the pit, but the pole as well. The host of the party announces that it's a 75-foot throw. Norris shrugs and says "That's not TOO bad". Anna drops the horseshoe and goes to sit by James in the yard. She doesn't play anymore for the rest of the night, which is too bad. I enjoy her company. Jack and I make it a point to beat the shit out of Norris in the game, and we wind up winning by a few points.
That guy from one of those crime series, I can't think of his name, does the cooking. After we eat James kicks off the live music and people start to be very drunk, with the exception of Anna, who sits in one corner of the patio nodding and being polite even though I imagine she's not hearing much over the noise. She spends a while rebuffing the drunken advances of Chuck Norris's brother in law until Jack goes and rescues her to dance. James plays electric and two other guys play acoustic while a fourth guy plays drums with two beer bottles on the rail of the porch steps. They sound awesome even though they've never played together before tonight. I'd say this was a weird place, but it all fits together in a strange, ethereal sort of way. Seems celebrities around here are just normal folk who throw backyard cookouts and play horseshoes.
Monday
Private party at the Blue Moon followed by an all-night poker game. James seems to know some pretty high rollers and this whole party was funded in the four figures, but I guess moneyfolk have to play sometimes just like the rest of us. Anna shows up looking tired but charms everyone despite having pulled several allnighters in the past week. James provides the music and lets me come onstage and play, which is a rush. I even sang, Ma.. you'd have been proud.
The poker game after the party lasts until 4 a.m. Anna gets sick around 3 and we can hear her in the other room throwing up. Kinda puts a damper on the festivities and James calls Keiran to come get her and take her home. By the time he wakes up and gets there, she's feeling better so they stick around a while longer and dance to the jukebox while we finish playing poker. Keiran claims he's not in love with Anna but something about the way he holds her says different. I think everybody's in love with her to some extent whether they know it or not.
Tuesday
My new favorite word is geezus. That's how it's pronounced too, with a long G. Everybody here says it when they don't want to get struck by lightning from god for blasphemy. All except for James, who doesn't seem to be scared of God. Come to think of it I can't think of anyone right offhand that he would be scared of.
Testing my new word. Geezus Anna can take a fall. Yeah, that works nicely. Because after all, who needs a lightningbolt from God in the head?
Jack and I got off work early today and stopped by Anna's to get the stat sheet she drew up for the season. She was just about to leave for the pub and was carrying a big basket of Keiran's laundry. She took one step down the stairs and I dunno what happened but she wound up face-down in the basket of clothes at the bottom of the steps with her feet still on the second stair. It was one of those things that happens so fast that you're not really sure it even happened. Jack and I just stood there for about 15 seconds till it sunk into our thick skulls that she just took a face-first dive down the steps and probably would have killed herself if she hadn't landed with her face in the laundry basket. By the time we woke up and raced over to her, she was sitting up laughing and crying. She blew her bad knee again, which is sucky news. She didn't want to go to the doctor so we all went to the pub instead. Yeah I know Ma, we find any excuse to go to the pub. Actually she had to go to work, so it was a valid excuse.
Wednesday
Geezus that girl is accident prone. Yeah, I like this word. I feel less like an irredeemable blasphemer this way. Anyway, I'm at the pub tonight drinking alone and suddenly hear over the deafening roar of the evening crowd a half-pained half-furious proclamation of "FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!" Anna is upstairs getting the private party room ready for some sort of shindig and that's where it came from, so James is up the stairs in about two seconds and the whole place goes dead silent. All eyes are intent on the upstairs railing when James looks down and announces that it's an "Anna Typical" and everyone goes back to drinking and making noise. I'm curious so I go upstairs to see what happened. I find out that an "Anna Typical" is any variety of minor accident that absolutely in no way could ever happen to anyone but Anna. She was sweeping the floor barefooted and somehow managed to drive a toothpick halfway through the bottom of her right foot. Geezus it looks painful. James is sitting on her trying to pull it out and she's beating him on the back with a beer mug. She cracks him on the skull and he yanks the toothick out of her foot, which was stuck in about an inch. I get shudders just thinking about it. So now she's got a blown out knee and a foot that's going to be sore for a while. The odds against her playing hockey this season just went way up.
Monday
Weekend in Denver with James, Anna, and Keiran. Denver is an awesome awesome city, I loved it. Hanging out with these people is a trip even though I had to sleep in the same bed with Keiran, who is a cuddler. Nothing worse than sharing a hotel room bed with a cuddler of the same sex as you. I couldn't get lucky enough to win a spot in the other bed. There's never even a coin toss, James is just the undisputed winner of whatever spot is next to Anna.
We saw the sites and had some fun in the city. The convention was cool too.
Tuesday
Don't panic Ma, I'm alive. I went to Utah for a few days to see cousin Frank. You remember Frank, don't you? The one with the insane idea about harvesting peyote for medicinal purposes? Well Ma, he was right about one thing. Cook up a batch of that stuff and you forget about what ails ya. Now I know why he lives out in the middle of the desert---if he grew that stuff in the city limits he'd be in leg irons.
Tuesday night
Guess who I met tonight Ma? Mr. Barefoot Executive himself, Dexter, The World's Strongest Man, Elvis. And I must say he is very cool! Anna knows him from a long time ago when she lived somewhere up in the mountains and he hunted around there. He sure seemed happy to see her and it seemed to be pretty mutual on her part too. He walked up and she ran out to him and jumped into his arms. I think there is a history there that nobody is talking about.
He's at the pub doing fubar shots with James right now, and I came home so I can go pick up Jack in a while. He's teaching a class at the college tonight but James said to bring him by the pub when he gets off and we'll all play some poker---Kurt is supposed to be an ace. We'll see if he can outbluff the master. If I win, I'll send you the deck we play with Ma. I know you think Mr. Russell is a cutiepatootie so it'll give you something to keep under your pillow :-)
Wednesday
Last night was very cool. We played some serious poker for about 6 hours and drank ourselves into oblivion. Anna wiped us all out as far as the most hands won in a row, but she got bored and quit after the first dozen or so rounds. Fortunate for us. Kurt's not bad but he couldn't beat James as far as poker faces go. He and Anna went off and talked for a while and he seemed really concerned about her hearing. Obviously he didn't know she was deaf till yesterday.
I guess he's staying for a few days. He's in a hotel in town but is coming back to Anna's house in the evening. I'm invited to come over every night, which is again very cool. These people really know how to have a great time.
Thursday
Trouble in paradise! Anna puked on Elvis. Poor kid's been sick as a dog for the last couple of days and all the noise and smoke at the bar just proved too much of an oral elimination provocation. It was priceless. The guy didn't even bat an eye, further proving my theory that Mr. Russell is one cool character. Jack sat with her overnight while James worked, then today Anna came looking for anyone who might know what went on during the course of the evening. Everyone else was on a trip up the local mountain and me & Keiran didn't know anything. I think Jack's in trouble, Ma. I'm lovin this.
Monday
Sorry to skip a few days Ma, but not to worry, I'm alive. We talked on the phone so I won't go into detail here about the trek up the mountain and the subsequent search party. Let's just suffice to say it wasn't as bad as Jack made it sound, lol
Had a cool day with Anna. I had the day off so I went to her place to see if she wanted to go to the pool or something. She was on her way out to run errands, so I tagged along. We did her usual post office stops and grocery shopping gig, and in WalMart she spotted these psychadelic cupcakes with neon icing. No matter what I said about toxic food coloring and entire-system shutdown, she had to have them. So we're driving through town eating these scary cupcakes and now I'm going to be pissing blue for a week. It'll take longer than that for the dye to wear off my teeth and lips. She ate the orange one and I kept expecting her eyes to go halloween any minute with the massive dose of orange #12 she ingested.
After that we stopped at this cool house-decorating place to find a lamp for her new digs. On the way in we were accosted by one of those former-street-kids-who-found-Jesus-and-wants-to-tell-you-all-about-it-and-sell-you-a-candybar-to-benefit-his-youth-group-while-he's-at-it. Anna stood staring at him as he went through his endless spiel, then when he was finally finished talking she kept staring at him blankly. Then she pulled the coolest stunt I've ever seen... I had to bite my blue tongue to keep from cracking up. She pointed to her hearing aid, pointed to her mouth, then shrugged and shook her head. It wouldn't have been any clearer if she had pulled out a notebook and pen and written "I'M DEAF YOU RETARD!!! YOU JUST WASTED 5 MINUTES OF YOUR TIME AND MINE TOO!! NOW BUGGER OFF!!"
The reformed thug kid stammered around for a minute and then started trying to gesture his way through the embarassment. Anna just smiled and shook her head again, and we walked off. Okay, so it wasn't entirely honest, but it was the funniest thing I've seen in a long time. Anna is cool.
Thursday
Been helping little miss can't be still move to another house. I took her truck in to be serviced yesterday and since Braden needed to go to Wal-Mart, he rode in with me. By the time we got there the passenger side door had seized again and he had to climb out the driver's side after me like he was my bitch. Funny because he's easily twice my size.
